(Closed) (Pretty Big) Differences in Desire for Affection?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

This relationship never seems good for you, in all of the posts I’ve read. I couldn’t imagine not being able to touch DH, because I might get yelled at or something. That must feel awful.  I would assume that everyone likes affection, and I don’t think it’s because you’re damaged, what you’re describing sounds normal. I dont really have any advice, but I feel for you.

Post # 4
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m going to be honest and it’s not to hurt your feelings so I’m sorry if it comes across that way-

I was in a relationship like this where I was the overtly affectionate one and my bf was NEVER into it.  I did the same thing, I counted time between kisses, I begged him to kiss me before leaving for work and he’d barely brush my lips and roll his eyes =(  It was so terrible, I felt ugly and awful and horrible all the time because surely that’s the only reason he wouldn’t want me! He would go days without so much as touching me! Finally I got the message when he went out to eat with my brother and I and my brother was like ‘really that’s your bf? He didn’t even look at you all night.” and I was humiliated.  I got out of that situation and have since learned that those were his issues not mine!

I don’t know your situation like I knew mine but it seems so much like it- my only advice is to find someone who wants to touch you as much as you want to touch them! Sorry for the harsh advice >.< I really hate sounding like a jerk. I just know what made me happy, and it may very well work for you too!! <hug>

Post # 5
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Sounds to be right off that you two are speaking different love languages…. You obviously need physical touch and he (if he does more in script) probably needs more along othe lines of words of affirmation <— just my thought, wouldn’t be sure until you took the “test” (lol) And he’s depressed… so there goes wanting any affection at all… depression = isolation.

Also, guys need different things than girls…. girls need love, men need respect. You cannot fulfill him in the way that you need to be fulfilled. It will only cause frustration and getting overwhelmed.

Also it sounds like neither of you are in a place of mature emotion to even be considering marriage or “waiting” <sorry I know that’s hard but childhood abuse/issues need to be dealt with BEFORE getting into serious marriage consideration relationships.

Sorry you’re feeling so bad about you. I can assure you that you are not the problem or only factor in this.

You two definitely need some real communication here and not just about your current place of relationship but about the things that have affected ya’ll in how you react and think in your relationship.

Try some counseling….. or get this book Preparing for Marriage. The 1st 2 worksheets will help clear through some of these issues and may help you two grow together… or atleast find some things out about yourselves so maybe you can grow more into who you really are… not who the damage you endured has made you.

Post # 6
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

My DH is the same way – although not to the extreme of your BF.  He really isn’t big on cuddling, hand holding, random touching, PDA, etc.  And there is nothing wrong with that!  He just has a different love language (as a PP mentioned above).

At first it bothered me because I do like those things and he didn’t want to do them as often as I would have liked.  But you know, we’ve both compromised over time.  He’s become more okay with wrapping an arm around me in public, cuddling on the couch (for brief periods), and sneaking a quick kiss when we’re out with friends.  And I’ve become more okay with his other ways of showing me he loves me – through his words, through his constantly thinking of me and what I need, etc.

Relationships are about compromise.  Neither of you can make the other one adopt a different love language.  You both need to recognise that you are different and work on appealing to the others love language on occasion (not all of the time though).

Post # 7
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

@Isilme: i have been having a very similar problem with my bf lately. he seems to think that if i tell him when to kiss me or hug me(i’m actually only telling him i need it after like a whole day of no contact) he feels i’m infringing on his freedom to do it when he wants. my advice is to give him a taste of his own medicine and act like you don’t care or notice the lack of affection. when i do this he almost always intiates hugs and kisses by the end of the night. he may just feel that you’re trying to control him. (which is a huge fear for most guys) when a guy does something i don’t like, i do the same thing back. then he sees how it feels because telling him how i feel would be “being emotional” in his eyes. then he loses the power he got from doing whatever it was that he was doing and stops. i suggest you read why men marry bitches. her advice really works!

Post # 10
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I actually created an account just to reply to your post.  I’m on often but have never commented.  I’ve been following this and your other posts and I just want to say that based on what you have posted in the past and now, this really doesn’t seem like the most healthy situation for you.

I feel like you are constantly making excuses for his behavior and, while I understand that both he and you have come from difficult situations, there needs to be a time where he grows up and starts to function as the adult that he is.  You are so worried about how your actions affect him, always taking his feelings into account – where do you come into the picture.

As women I think we told not to be selfish, but the happiest people have some but of selfishness in them – not in a bad way.  I know that I do.  I have to worry about how I’m feeling, not in realtion to how my fiance is feeling, but apart from him.

I know you love him – but sometimes loving someone in such a way as this is not helpful to you or them.  From what I remember he is in his early 30s and he sounds to me as if he needs a wake-up call.  Your posts are always so insightful and it is obvious that you are an intelligent and sensitive woman.  Honestly – relationships should not (and most of the time are not) this difficult. 

I really do wish you all the best.

Post # 12
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I know your lives are really entwined, but maybe you’ve out grown this relationship. It’s scary to think that we’d never find someone that wouldn’t judge us or that we’d be alone forever, but you deserve to be with someone who when you are tired or stressed can give you what you need.

Post # 13
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

Ok–I’m all four the Love Languages…they’re fantastic. But this isn’t a “love language” problem.

This guy does not want you to TOUCH HIM.

 

Is any of that acceptable to anyone? No. And if it is–you have a problem. OP–this man is flawed. Perhaps beyond repair. How low does your self-esteem have to be to put up with this BS? How low has has it become by putting up with it? NO one deserves to be with someone who is utterly repulsed by their presence. 🙁

Post # 14
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

@Isilme: I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.  I want to start by telling you that based on all your posts I can tell you are a strong, kind and selfless woman and I believe you deserve the best in life.  I think the question you have to ask yourself is how much is this lack of affection bothering you and is this something you could live with if it never changes?  Personally, affection is very important to me.  I know what you are experiencing because my ex also was not affectionate and it really bothered me, so after 1.5 years I walked away because I just  couldn’t imagine continuing that way, and I knew he wouldn’t change because that was who he was.  My SO is the exact opposite and very affectionate, so I know from firsthand experience that such men do exist.

But based on your post, I know that you want to stay with this man, and I’m not suggesting otherwise. So maybe consider having a serious conversaiton with him, or even counseling? I truly believe that when two peope love each other and are committed to making one another happy, that nearly anything can be fixed.  You’re a good woman and I hope he values you enough to do anything to make the relationship work.  I’m not saying he won’t do it, but it does seem like you put in much more effort.  It’s time to put yourself first hun, and I mean that in the nicest way possible! 🙂

Post # 15
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

Also, just another note: WTF is “girls need love. Men need respect?”

How is wanting to show him physical affection disrespectful? On what planet is the man in the relationship more deserving of respect?!

 

 

Post # 16
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Isilme…. You should read the book Love and Respect… just the respect side NOT the love side…

There was actually a thread started on here on it and I haven’t read the book book but my mom gifted us with the “coffee table” version and it’s SO great!

Like a pp said on the love language… I think that considering he’s depressed and has low/no self-image he’s not going to want to be intimate in ANY way.. not just touch. That’s just the way it goes. You need to educate yourself on handling relationships with someone who is depressed or suffers from depression. Pray… ALOT for him that he could feel love b/c it seems his heart is pretty cut off =(

As for past hurts, and injury to the heart. I have seen girls with things that have happened to them that you probably wouldn’t believe if you heard (I help with my mom’s non-profit home for women)

You CAN be healed from that… and so can your BF…. totally and completely! I have seen Jesus restore hearts that would seem to be beyond repair… but aren’t.

I would highly again suggest that book Preparing for Marriage again along with the Love and Respect book….

I promise it does not deem respect for men as “more deserving” or anything like that. We were simply made differently and in relationship Respect is something we have to give our Men for the mere fact that they need it… plus (after being in a past abusive relationship) I can say that when you can really give respect even when it ISN’T deserved.. you won’t have the same hurts in your heart when it isn’t received as you do now.

Relationships are hard and with heart damage they’re even harder… BUT EVERYTHING is redeemable in Christ and He CAN renew your heart mind AND relationship 😉

*praying for you*

The topic ‘(Pretty Big) Differences in Desire for Affection?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors