My SO is very hard to argue with. I feel like I'm fighting a wall. He's always right and wants to be proven wrong and a lot of times that's hard.
He's specified too that sometimes I'm right but usually he's more right. I want to make our relationship work but since he got a promotion and has more responsibility and stress at work it's been unbearable. The worst part is he thinks that a lot of our issues are caused by me.
Anyways, I'm trying really hard to make it work. He refuses to get diagnosed and take medication because he thinks it will affect his ability to move up into management as he is doing.
SO's sister is a Nurse Practitioner and told me that she's 10000% sure that he has it, as does their mother. She also said that he can't get meds unless he's diagnosed and that if he is diagnosed and takes meds it WILL affect his ability to move up into management.
Bees, what do I do? I don't think I can take this for the rest of my life -- I keep thinking it will get better when we're less stressed, when we're not living in a shitty apartment with an asshole neighbour downstairs, when we have money and no debt, when I'm done school and able to work.
But then what? There's ALWAYS stress in life! Then what happens?
Also now I don't want to have kids with him! The probability that our kid will have it is ridiculously high. But I can't talk to him about it because he refuses to believe he has anything wrong with himself.
I don't think unfair fighting is a symptom of bipolar disorder. I think you just have an inflexible, jerky SO when it comes to fighting. If he really thinks that most of your problems are caused by you, and you feel that that isn't true, then I'm not sure what going on psych meds will do for him. Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling of manic (not necessarily happy, but more frenzied, active, and impulsive tendencies) and depressive (including sadness, apathy, sleep changes) states. Even with a diagnosis, the meds have to be carefully monitored and tweaked for the rest of his life, and even then not everyone responds well.
You're right that life will never be stress free. I think it's up to you if you want to deal with someone who has such a backwards view of fighting bewteen you, and doesn't handle stress well for the rest of your life.
@kayberry: He is ill and he refuses to accept it. Do you want to live your life like this if he is refusing treatment? I think you know the answer to this question. The only way to stay and be supportive is if he is willing to get some help. I would not not subject myself to a living hell because he wants to be unreasonable about his own health.
Also the PP may have a point as well. He may just be a jerk and has mental illness.
I think you know the answer. Spending your life with someone with a mental illness that he refuses to address is just too much. Your life will be like this unless he decides to get treatment. I know it is hard to leave but it will be better in the long run.
You say you won't have kid with him. Was that a life goal for you? That would be a huge hole in your life that you would probably hold against him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
@kayberry: Also now I don't want to have kids with him!
If you want kids, this is a big deal and you should end it. If you have never planned on having kids and don't want them then this is not a dealbreaker unless he wants kids. Kids are a big deal. You should both want them or both not want them. But if one of you wants them and the other doesn't then that is a big problem.
Ill be honest, me and my FI are going through some really really heavy stuff right now. I know how you feel, I was depressed and we had to live with our parents with our 2 kids, and were broke and in major debt. The past year we were extremely unhappy, always arguring, hated living with my parnts and then the other major thing happened.
But you know, it got better. I got meds, he got an awsome job and for the most part we dont need to worry about money any more. We moved away from my parents, and things have improved 100%.
I dont know what he does for you to think he is bi-polar. I do know alot of people *think* they have it but actually dont. My FI gets very stressed over our situation, and is very cranky some days but I honestly cant blame him. But I made a vow to myself the day I decided to stick beside him, and we are working through it. Albeit, having 2 kids makes it much easier to not get up and leave when things are though.
You shouldnt let that be a deciding factor on having children with him. In the larger picture, having a child with a mental disorder is NOT that bad. Both my children were born with craniosynostosis, and both had to have major surgery on their skull before they turned one. They both are susceptible to have behaviour problems, but I dont care! I would do it again in a heart beat.
The sounds of your post makes me think that its not the bi-polar or whatever that is bothering you. It sounds deeper than that, and I get the feeling that you may be using that as an out. I dont have alot of advice, but I think that you should really try to figure out if you love this man enough to stand by him through EVERYTHING in your life. Marriage is for life, and if you cant see yourself with him forever now....whats going to happen in 5-10 years?
Good luck!
@relaxedabout it: Yes having kids is a life goal, he wants them too. But only recently have I noticed his behaviours matching with bipolar disorder and it's made me realize that I don't want to have kids with him now!
He does all of these things. He almost never sleeps and is up frequently in the night. He can be very impulsive, he is a reckless driver, he's always either yelling and screaming and freaking out or he's super happy and optimistic.
The arguing is just a related note. He thinks he's the best person, he's always right and that I'm always wrong. Yes part of that is that he's a bit of a jerk sometimes.
Not engaged? I would be out. I couldn't live with those traits (bipolar or not), and he doesn't want to get help. Why sign up for that?
I'm NOT against marrying someone with mental illness. I an against marrying someone who won't get help. And I wouldn't get engaged to them until they were stable in treatment for minimum 18 months.
I'm very practical about love though. You aren't just signing up for the person. Love isn't enough. You are signing up for the type of life you'll have together, their families, etc. I wouldn't knowingly sign up for an unstable life, whatever the reason. Things can change later of course, and I accept that risk, but hoping someone will change for the better before you are even engaged is a losing game.
You described all the manic symptoms, but in order for him to be diagnosed he has to have experienced the depressive symptoms too. It's more often the depressive states that push someone with bipolar disorder to seek help; the opposite is true too, when people are cycling toward mania, that's when they get off their meds because they think everything is going great and they don't need help. Unless he is going to harm himself or others, you cannot force him to seek treatment.
Honestly, he sounds immature, reckless, and unfair to you. You're only 20, you have so, so much time to find someone better than him. You really have to ask yourself, if he never changed at all, and every day of your lives he was like this, would you still marry him? Would you be proud to have a son that turned out like him? If you can't reasonably answer yes to these questions, I really don't think you should get married.
@kayberry: with your last post, not only is he emotionally difficult, quite frankly, he sounds like physical risk with reckless driving. I would NOT be living my life with a person who yells and screams.
I would strongly advise you to get out while it is (relatively) easier. Trying to get someone help against their will is a recipe for a tough life.
WHY, other than "I loooooove him," are you trying to make it work? Be honest. Are you anxious to get married? Do you feel like you won't find another guy? Do you really want kids in the next few years? Are you living together and breaking up would be hard? Are you scared he'll go off the deep end if you break up?
His behavior is his to own, but your choice to stay with him is more about you and what your motivations are.
He has depressive moments too. Sometimes he cries and talks about how all life does is 'shit' on him and that he can't catch a break and that he just wants a break.
None of us- you included- are in a position to make a diagnosis. In the end, if he's not willing to get treated then you have to accept that his behavior today is his behavior going forward. Does it work for you? If not, it's time to move on.
I'm so sorry - I can relate somewhat. My FI goes through very depressive periods and it's so hard to love someone and not be able to fix their mental state. However, he feels really badly that it affects our relationship, and he's very willing to get treatment because I want him to (and he also recognizes the need to address it for himself). If you make it 100% clear to your guy that you NEED him to do this, and he doesn't - I think that's your answer. :(
I wonder what kind of work he does where being treated for a mental condition would affect his career? That should be 100% private between him, his doctor, and whomever else he wants to share it with. Unless he's in the military? But regardless, if the choice comes down to furthering his career or taking care of his health, health should be a priority.
Bipolar is a lifelong disease. It will not magically disappear when the bills are paid or there is no asshole neightbor. If he won't get medicated for it (and stay on the medication for life) he WILL NOT GET BETTER. Part of the disease is denial and refusal to take medication. If you don't like the way he acts because of this and you think you cannot handle it then you need to leave. It's not going to get better and you risk passing down bipolar to your potential children with this man. It''s not a nice to think to say or hear but it runs in my family and it is almost impossible to deal with; the only reason we hang on is because they're family.
@lolot: He is the manager of a medical lab. They would not hire him for a promotion. They do routine drug tests as well.
@beachbride1216: That's why I don't want to have kids with him. We always wanted kids but now that I've realized he probably has bipolar (his sister is a Nurse Practitioner and agrees with me, also his mother has it) now I can't.
@kayberry: What do drug tests have to do with it? Is he using?
And they might not promote him because of his BEHAVIOR, not necessarily because of his disease (if he were to get diagnosed). And his behavior right now is going to prevent him from going far in his career; so that's kind of a moot point.
So why do you stay with him? Neither you nor we can do much to change his behavior if he doesn't want to. But we can look at why you are choosing to put up with this.
@NAvery: Drug tests would affect him if he went on medication for bipolar disorder. He is very good at work, he saves it all up for when he gets home.
I've stayed with him because it hasn't been bad until now. And now I've realized these things I'm really trying to decide what to do. His sister thinks he'll go on medication at some point. And I haven't even talked to him yet about how I feel because he's been so crazy at the moment there's NO way to talk to him when he's like this.
@kayberry: I don't think drug tests are marked against you as long as you are on a legal RX and have the documentation to prove it. Laws may be different in Canada, but from what I know for Ontario (we've got employees up there) protections for employees tend to be pretty strong.
good luck with this, it sounds like you are just starting the process of coping with this realization. All I can tell you is I would be out. A few months of a difficult breakup is so much better than decades of a difficult life, particularly given your age, that you aren't engaged, and his resistance to help.
@kayberry: Technically employers can NOT discriminate against people with a medical condition as long as they can still perform their job, under the ADA. If people on medications disclose those medications for drug testing, they can still pass the test just fine.
However, I know that what's *technically* illegal and what employers can get away with can be quite different.
Again, so sorry you have to handle this.
@lolot: I know technically they're not supposed to discriminate but they do anyways.
This is so hard.
The reckless driving alone is reason not to have kids with him.
Untrated bipolar 1 is hell. If he won't get treatment, you'll be stuck in a lifetime of misery. My DH was married to one. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
How long have you been together?
I can't help but think living together and you not working is making this choice much harder. Can you move out (you need space from his behavior) and look at how you are going to support yourself? You don't have to break up immediately but I think you need space to be able to think rationally apart from the logistics of living together and job worries.
@NAvery: He won't let us "take a break". I suggested it once and he said if we do that then it's permanent, there's no getting back together.
And yes I'm a student, no I can't afford to really live anywhere else. If I need to move out I can but it will be very hard.
My ex was diagnosed with bipolar the last year or so of our relationship. Was with him for 9 years. Met him when I was 17, young, dumb, and low self esteem so the thought of being alone terrified me and I always hoped it would get better. It got worse. He wouldn't take his meds and started self medicating with meth. I was living with him and could have lost my career and my freedom because of his drug habit(you live with a guy and the cops bust him for drugs in the home, you get arrested as well,happened to a friend of ours).
Take it from someone who lived through 9 years of walking on eggshells around a guy, RUN. Seriously, there are so many other men in this world that will treat you so much better. Do it now before you wake up and realize you wasted most of your 20s on someone who didn't love or value you enough to get help for himself so he could be a better partner to you.
i was barely into your second paragraph before I wanted to tell you that you just need to walk away. If your SO refuses to accept responsibility for his part, blames you for all ails, and you are constantly feeling like you are trying to "make" it work on hope the next thing will turn it all around well, honey, that is so far from a relationship that is healthy or will ever be what you want it to be. Grasping on to a diagnosis is just another "what if" you are grasping at as the answer that will make him, and this relationship, something they are not.
This just sounds exhausting. Here is something I wished I had truly accepted at your age: you cannot make someone change, you cannot force a square peg relationship into a round hole and if you feel you are doing "all the work" you can expect to be doing "all the work" forever. You are caretaking him. That is not a fulfilling or healthy dynamic. Oh, and while even healthy & happy relationships do require MUTUAL effort it is a big flag if you feel like a lone salmon swimming up a waterfall. The only thing up there is more current and more waterfalls.
Do not settle for a lfe of this. Do not let fear of being on your own keep you with someone who prevents you from the life, love & happiness that would not cause all this struggle, insecurity, work & blame.
@kayberry: You say it would be hard to move out, I remember that feeling. But you should never try to make a relationship work because its more convenient. If I would have never moved in with my ex, I realize now I would have left him YEARS before I finally did.
You are still sooo young and have your whole life ahead of you. Yeah it will be tough to leave, but just imagine how much better your life will be. I used to be jealous of other friends who had awesome relationships. Now I have one myself with my husband.
Bipolar disorder is charaturized by cycles of mania (or hypomania) which is an exhilerating period of time that the person has a lot of energy and can feel like they can do anything. The other side of the disorder is depression. Typically the higher the mania/hypomania goes the lower the depression will be.
I have known many people that have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (not to say that all people with the disorder are the same though) and I can't say that he sounds like he has it. Although I don't understand why him getting the diagnosis and getting on meds would inhibit his ability to go up in management. Typically getting on meds and getting stable helps the person, especially in a work area. (I have a degree in human services and am working on one in vocational rehabilitation now). As long as he has the drug isn't illegal, it shouldn't be a problem. Nor should his workplace need to know why he is on the drug that he is on--only that it was prescribed by a doctor.
Personally, if he isn't willing to accept treatment I wouldn't stay with him. There is no reason you should have to put up with that. If he's willing to get treatment and go to therapy then there might be a chance for you guys. I also don't get the reason why you wouldn't have children. Both my fiance and I have many different mental illnesses that run in our families (including bipolar) and that isn't a reason we won't have children.
I just have to say this- I know you are concerned, but you and your sister are in no position to be diagnosing him. I think saying he has a specific disorder and discussing it with your sister is kind of hurtful to him. Only a doctor should be diagnosing him- or not. This may sound mean, but it doesn't sound like you like him much. "He thinks he's the best person. He is always right and I am always wrong." I think he deserves someone that loves him and can help him through whatever, just like you do. I do not think this is fair to him, or likely to you.
@cbee: technically his sister's job would allow her to diagnose him. I understand where you're coming from though. I do love him but a person cannot be right ALL the time. He won't even give in if he's wrong. Yesterday he thought it would be a good idea to flush a bar of soap down the toilet and now it's broken. He still says he doesn't understand why it didn't work even though OBVIOUSLY it didn't and the toilet is broken.
OP, my mother is bipolar. Yes, it's exhausting. But a lot of her problems stem from a dual diagnosis (she's an alcoholic, too). And a couple doctors have suspected she has a borderline personality as well.
But she has four children and none of us are bipolar. I have an anxiety disorder but so far I'm the only one with any lasting effects. From what I understand your children would have higher odds of developing the disorder, but not hugely high. Most people with bipolar disorder do not pass the genes on. You would have a 70-85% chance of nothing being wrong with the kids.
When you marry someone it's for better or worse, in sickness or in health. You haven't yet made that pledge. So you have to evaluate, are you the kind of person who wants to do this? And not just want to do it, but CAN do it? It's OK if you don't think you can do it. You deserve happiness and fulfillment in your life. And your SO deserves (and will definitely need) someone who will be committed to being fully supportive in all aspects of this.
@Magdalena: I think I can do it but I don't think I can do it if he won't get help. He refuses to see a therapist and will never see one. I can't do it at the moment because I can't even talk to him about anything.
I feel like I'm walking around on eggshells. I can't say anything because I'm wrong. I can't talk.
@kayberry: "I think I can do it but I don't think I can do it if he won't get help. He refuses to see a therapist and will never see one. I can't do it at the moment because I can't even talk to him about anything.
I feel like I'm walking around on eggshells. I can't say anything because I'm wrong. I can't talk."
He's made it clear he won't get help and you are walking on eggshells. This is a broken relationship. I would get my plans to leave in order and have one final conversation with him letting him know that if he doesn't get diagnosed and start taking the meds that I am leaving. But keep in mind that if he won't get help for himself that he is unlikely to do it for anybody else and if he does I would be suspect because he didn't do it for himself.
Bipolar disorder is a hard disorder to diagnose. I realize his sister is an NP, but most NPs I know would never diagnose someone with a mental disorder without sending them to a psychiatrist first. But if he refuses to see anyone about it...that's when you run into issues.
I do agree with other posters, however, that nobody should really be diagnosing him without a psych degree. It doesn't sound like bipolar to me, either, but then I don't personally know him, and I never finished my psych degree. So. Anyway, manic episodes, as well as depressive episodes, last for more than a day. If he's all over the place IN ONE DAY it's not necessarily BP. It could be something like BPD, or, honestly, he could just be an asshole. Sorry for the language. Some people are just natuarally more heated than others.
I do think that you really need to consider whether you want to leave or not. It is an INCREDIBLY difficult thing to stay with someone that you believe is mentally ill but refuses to get help and it often ends in heartache. I would leave if I were you, so think about it.
Also, any meds he's on won't affect his drug test if he brings in his prescription. They don't even have to know why he's on them. You would be shocked with how many people are on anti-depressants/mood stabilizers/anti psychotics. It's a shockingly large part of the population, chances are they won't judge him at all based on that, because chances are they already have at least one person working in a management position on those type of meds.
I have a mom who is bi-polar and border personality disorder. Let me tell you how fun wedding planning what with that. She flipped out, pretty much ruined my wedding and two years later still has not acknowledged she did anything wrong... I feel your pain.
But it also doesn't necessary mean he has it or that treatment/meds will help him. He could just be an Asshole.
Marriage on it's own is hard hard hard. Adding a kid or kids to that is the most stressful thing you can put yourself through. It's worth it if you have the right kind of partnership, and that is really what it comes down to. Even if you do fight do you feel like he is your partner? Take love out of the equation. Do you feel that no matter what he will put you and your relationship first?
because of my mom I dated a string of "bad" guys because I felt that all love came from people yelling at you. Until I met my hubby, that is, and now have a pretty drama free life minus my mom's melt downs which happen a couple of times a year. She still refuses to belive there is anything wrong with her and it's everyone around her who is the problem. We live on opposite sides of the country.
I personally wouldn't want to live the rest of my life like that. You only get one shot at it and I don't want to end up in my 70s looking back feeling like I wasted my best years on someone who didn't deserve all that I have to offer.
Making a huge change in your life is hard, standing up for yourself is hard but once you get through it you end up stronger. I'm not saying you should leave him, but you really only have two choices - stay and "hope" he realizes he has a problem and gets treatment or leave and find someone who will give you the things you need. There is a small chance that leaving will make him realize there is a problem, but only a very small chance so be sure that you are ready to move on if that is the direction you are going. Don't use it as a manipulation tool.
If he really is bipolar and won't take meds, then you have no choice but to leave. I have bipolar II and if I don't take my meds, all Hell will break loose. It's hard enough to deal with stres and other life problems when you are medicated, let alone without.
You can't "fix" him and he seems very stubborn and unwilling to go to P-doc for a diagnosis. I couldn't WAIT for someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I was miserable and the toll it took on my life...better left unsaid.
It IS possible to live a somewhat normal life with bipolar but only if you stay on your meds. I have two children and they grew up healthy, happy and with no signs of MI. I re-married and my husband is my rock. Even so, life is a struggle. Every day. My husband has to deal with a lot (I gave him an out, believe me. He obviously didn't take it when he had the chance:)
That all said, don't stay if he continues to refuse help. It will ruin your life. I speak from experience. Good luck and don't be afraid-take care of yourself first.
I don't understand why he can't move up in management if he takes medication? He would be more stable, make important diecisions, responsible... I certatinly wouldn't want him IN management without meds! If he refuses help or meds to his problem, I would leave.
Looked up borderline personality disorder -- sounds more like him to be honest. Very unstable, has a very black/white way of thinking, if I do something wrong suddenly I always do things wrong and I'm terrible at ____, if I do something right he's 'so lucky' and 'proud' and I'm 'awesome' but it's either good or bad.
He's very impulsive and used to have drug addiction/alcohol addiction issues however he has since had NO drug issues and we drink maybe once every other week or so, only at home with each other.
He is very manipulative and controlling too
He's very manipulative and controlling? It doesn't sound like this is the kind of relationship that you want.
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