Post # 1
I thought DH and I had a very good relationship but apparently not.
I have always had 100% trust in DH, he works in a field where I cannot check up on him or anything like that so I’ve always just had to learn to trust him. Also, I’m not a jealous person and am very busy myself so keeping tabs on him would be exhausting.
So DH bartends on Saturday night at a friends bar. He usually gets in around 2am. Well I got a text from him last saturday just saying he was going back to the owners house for a little while, I said thanks for letting me know and went back to bed. When he got home he told me the few people that were there and was just so tired he left. Okay, no big deal. Well, this morning I go on our computer and he left his convo up between him and the owner. He asked the owner what time he got in on sat and if his partner was mad?! If they went to his house then how could he not be home?!
I called DH out on it right away and he just laughed. Said it’s no big deal and it was just easier to lie than tell me he went out with people I didn’t know. He said he’s sorry but I am pissed and heartbroken. Like what else does he lie about??
A few months ago he went out at night and told me he was looking a job, but his email was up and said he had practice for the team he was coaching. Honestly I hated him coaching and he was always gone. But he came home and when I asked him told me he lied because it was easier. So we had a long conversation and it looks like nothing has changed.
Am I crazy for being so upset? How do I handle any of this?
Post # 3
@roxy821: So your husband lied to you, got caught red-handed, and laughed when you confronted him about it? And this isn’t the first time? Yeah I would say that you have every right to be mad!
It sounds like he isn’t taking your concerns seriously enough. I would tell him if lying is so much “easier” for him that you are about to make it much more difficult!
Post # 4
He lies to you and then tells you he does it because it’s easier and laughs about it? That is beyond disrespectful, disgusting and completely immature. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying that you’re a crazy control freak (which you TOTALLY don’t sound like you are), it’s still NOT OK. He needs to talk it out with you and deal with the way you react and fix your reactions if they’re not appropriate, not lie to you. You need to put your foot down and be stronger about this – lying is NOT OK. And he needs to learn that. How can you trust him otherwise? It sounds like he gets away with this and that’s how he’s learned that it’s ok – does he do this to other people, too? (Like, does he lie to his family or friends because it’s “easier” than telling the truth?).
Post # 5
Lieing is lieing.
If it was easier to lie to me before, it sure as hell wouldn’t be anymore. I. Guarantee. It.
Then he laughed about it? Disregarded the fact you were upset ?
Oh, no. We would be having a ” come to Jesus ” talk real soon.
Post # 6
Yes he did laugh but he laughs when he gets nervous, and then proceeded to apologize.
@batwoman- This time and over the summer. How do I make it difficult?
@mrskopp2be- “You need to put your foot down and be stronger about this – lying is NOT OK. And he needs to learn that.” How do I do this? I can be upset and we can fight about it and talk it through but this is the 2nd time.
Post # 7
I agree with you bees that it shouldn’t be easy for him, then how do I make it hard? I’m 8.5 months pregnant, I can’t follow him around all day and verify everything he says. I never had a reason to think he lied before recently. We’ve been together for almost 8 yrs.
Post # 8
I really don’t think your husband is a “bad guy” or intentionally trying to hurt or disrespect you. I think the way men rationalize things sometimes is….dumb. A few years ago before we lived together
My fiance would do the same thing. He would say he was going somewhere, but then I would find out later that he went somewhere else instead. In his mind, it was just easier to tell me he was going to one place instead of giving me a long schedule of what he really did. Was I upset when I found out? Sure. But remember men don’t do details as well as women do, and they rationalize things completely differently.
Post # 9
Grr…I’m mad and annoyed for you. It’s “easier” to lie?
I would sit him down (again) when the two of you aren’t heated (like right after you find out he’s lying) and let him know how hurtful these little white lies are. Tell him that you need to be truthful with him, b/c you trust him. And the little white lies are putting itty bitty cracks in that trust, and then you’re going to full out not trust him anymore and anything he says. And he certainly doesn’t want that. What he’s doing right now is so incredibly disrespectful. Why is it so hard to tell you that he’s going out with the owner of the bar and a few other people rather than say he’s going back to his house? I mean, what’s the difference there? How is it easier? I just think you really need to lay it out there and turn the situation around on him. How would he like it if you started lying about stupid, silly things b/c it was “easier”? I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate being lied to either.
Post # 10
@roxy821: It kind of depends on how you’ve responded before. I was being a bit flippant in my original post, what I was trying to get at is that you should make it clear to him that he’s incentivizing snooping with his behavior.
When he lies over stuff that you wouldn’t really get that upset about in the first place he’s sending the message that the only way you can get the truth out of him is by looking through his stuff. He also is sending the message that when he wants to go out and do something fun you shouldn’t trust him when he says where he’s going. He’s shooting himself in the foot over the long term and I don’t think he gets that.
This sort of thing (to me at least) requires a little foot-stomping and fury on your end to get that point across.
Post # 11
@roxy821: Sit him down and talk to him about it. Tell him if he lies to you one more time, there will be consequences to pay (ask yourself what you’re willing to do and how far you’re willing to go?). Tell him that the trust has been broken and he needs to build that trust again. Ask him to prove his work schedule to you and tell him he’s not allowed to just make plans at the last minute and go. If he wants to lie, he has to suffer the consequences. He clearly thinks that lying avoids fights – well, show him that lying is worse.
I don’t know if this is the BEST advice.. because I’ve never had to deal with this before, maybe there are other bees who have?
Personally, I feel like if you don’t have trust, what do you have? It’s not just that he’s lying to you, but he’s lying to you to avoid listening and respecting how you feel about certain things he does. You didn’t want him coaching (maybe you were right, maybe you were wrong, that’s irrelevant, the relevant part is that you didn’t want him coaching) and then he did it anyway and lied to you about it to avoid hearing it from you.
You should also sit down and ask him what he’s afraid of happening if he tells you the truth. Maybe you can come up with a solution that works – maybe he doesn’t like the way you tell him you don’t like something and maybe that can be changed.
But as long as he acts like a little kid – doing what he wants and lying about it to cover up, like he’s living at home with parents who are overprotective or something – I would certainly treat him like one.
Post # 12
Wow, that is really frustrating and immature. Men in general avoid confrontation, but for him to laugh about it? Let him know how seriously you are taking it, and that you’ll start to question everything he tells you… hopefully he respects you and the fact that you’re trusting (and not jealous!) and will get his $hit together.
Post # 13
I would be pissed because if he lies then laughs about it, it would make me worried if he is lying about bigger issues and not telling me. Also the going out after the bar and lying, big red flag for me, I’d be livid.
I’d tell him you won’t stand for the lying and since you are 8.5 months pregnant he should be home with you, not out partying all night like a 21 year old, I mean will he continue staying out until all hours when the baby arrives? That would be a big hell no in my book!
Post # 14
you should talk to him about this. he says lying is easier but tell him that it is definitely more harmful to your relationship than just telling you the truth from the start. tell him that in the end, it’s easier to accept the truth (even if you don’t like it) than to accept constant lies.
Post # 15
“if you’re going to lie, then I’m not going to trust a single word you say”.
Aka his life will be hell because he keeps lying.
Post # 16
My fiance does this sort of thing where he says he’s gone somewhere and it turns out it was somewhere else but at the very bottom of the foundation of our relationship I trust him so if he’s “lying” about where he’s been I just think it’s just to omit details of the night that aren’t important or because he know’s I’ll be pissed that he stayed out longer than he said he would or didn’t come home like he said he would.
Saying “I’m going back to a mates house” when really he was with said mate and they were out all night, sounds more like they were lying because they didn’t want to get “told off”
You put “so I’ve always just had to learn to trust him” which implies to me that you’ve had trust issues in relationships in the past and this whole issue has rubbed you up the wrong way.
If it bothers you that he’s telling you little white lies you should tell him that and tell him you don’t appreciate a lie, how ever small it is. If however you think he might just lie to avoid confrontation about doing something you don’t like ie, coaching or staying out late and drinking then it might be something you need to work out together as he’s only going to continue “lying” if he think’s it’ll get him in bigger trouble for telling the truth.