- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
hi bees,
this went into the beehive last time, but i meant to put it here. i come to you all for help and support and guidance. i am a regular poster but cannot post under my real username right now :( my DH and i JUST got married, and this weekend i noticed i was 2 days late. i took my first ever pregnancy test and it came back positive. we are religious with our BC (pill taken correctly + condoms about 80% of the time) and are years away from wanting children.
i feel like my world has shattered, and yet there are so many lovely bees who are struggling to get pregnant. we do not own a home, are both in school (and both work full time) and are in no way ready financially or emotionally to start a family. i've always been extremely pro-choice, but i guess that's because i've never thought i'd have to make the choice for myself? my husband and i are both at a loss for which way to turn.
has anyone ever had a similar experience? how did you handle it? any support possible would be greatly appreciated. thank you bees.
@brokenbee: I know a good deal about how this feels... except I was 14 and in high school when it happened to me. It will be okay, I promise :) It is all about moving on with what you have and not dwelling on what could have been. And time management. get everything done that you can before you have the baby so you aren't stressing as much, too much stress+pregnancy=not good. I am here if you ever need to talk :)
SoontobeMrsA was a single mom for several years. While the struggles she faced were probably somewhat different than yours will be, there are probably still some similarities. I know I've seen her say countless times that Annabelle (her daughter) is the best thing to ever happen to her - and was totally unexpected, unplanned, unprepared-for. I am 100% positive she would be happy to PM with you even if she doesn't see this thread.
(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry, I can't offer any pearls of wisdom, as I've not been in your position. All I can say is this isn't a decision you need to make tonight, or even this week. I don't think it's a decision that should be made hastily.
(And remember, pro-choice doesn't mean pro-abortion. It means having the ability to make the choice for what's right for you and your family. I'm very pro-choice as well, andif I had gotten pregnant before DH and I started TTC, I honestly have no idea what I'd have done.)
And if you decide to keep it, you'll make it work. Like abby said on the other post, our mothers and grandmothers did it. It might take a lot of sacrifice and hard work, but it's doable.
Good luck honey.
I discovered I was pregnant 3 weeks after we decided to get married. We weren't living together, had no health insurance and were on the "10 year plan" to having kids. I considered adoption as well as terminating my pregnancy. After much soul searching we decided to have the baby.
I can honestly say, it was not easy but we dealt with it together. There were a lot of tears and sacrifice. It's not the ideal way to begin an already unstable situation, but it can be done. Our daughter has motivated me in ways I never thought possible. She made our life better.
I can only share my personal experience, but for us the struggle was worth it. We aren't perfect but every day we make it work.
Sending you hugs and lots of support for whatever you choose to do. Don't let anyone try to push you into THEIR right decision - do what's right for you and your family, whatever that may be.
I have not been in your position but I wanted to offer my support.
I think this will just need a lot of thought and talking it over with your husband. There is no right decision. I guess you just have to decide who you feel is right for you. Maybe it is unexpected and terrifying but you will decide that you want to take a chance and move ahead with it. Mayve you will realize that the time is wrong and you are just not ready. I am sorry that I don't have any magic words for you........but just know that there is no right awnser and you should ultimatly do what works for you.
I am sorry...I can only imagine how hard this must be.
@brokenbee: I'm so sorry. :( I can't even imagine what you're going through. Finding out your pregnant should be a happy day, not one with stress and grief.
I know a lot of people on here will tell you that you should have the baby. That it's worth it, you'll find out it was a blessing in disguise, etc. And maybe for them is WAS. But this is YOU.
You and your husband need to decide together how to proceed. You're both still in school? Not my ideal situation, either. The good thing is you aren't alone. You have your husband. And he'll be there for you regardless.
And should you choose to terminate this pregnancy--and it is YOUR CHOICE no matter who comes on this thread and says that it isn't--it doesn't make you less of a woman or a future mother. It just means that you want to bring a child into this world in the BEST of circumstances (not that anyone is ever truly ready).
And this goes against everything I just said, but my mother got pregnant with me just a few months after being married. She told me (not when I was little!!) that it was totally unexpected. She said she cried for three days. My parents, or at least my father, are very pro-life, so that has a lot to do with it I'm sure, but they had me. And I think they are occasionally glad they did.
@brokenbee: Ah I'm sorry--that is really rough to go through. I can tell you my experience with this...I had an unplanned pregnancy. FI and I had only been dating for a year and knew we wanted to marry each other but still date for a few years before we wanted to get married. Everyone told me I HAD to keep the baby, had to. That I wouldn't have any support if I decided to terminate the pregnancy (which was my mistake to tell people I thought were friends but had never been in my position before). Luckily, I had my sisters who were backing up my idea of getting an abortion. I went to a clinic and luckily that made it clear for me...and FI felt the same. We kept the baby. But the point is you need to my the choice for yourself (same with your husband) no one else can influence you guys...
Just think it over, you have some time. At the time, having him was okay. If it happens again? I don't think we could go through it again...my post partum depression was a nightmare.
@brokenbee: Yup, been there before and after a lot of tears and hell, we went on to have our daughter.
It's difficult and not easy, but if you have support with family and friends, you'll be fine.
However, you AND your husband need to figure out what is best for you both. How you're feel IF you terminate the pregnancy and how you'll deal if you continue with the pregnancy.
Give it time and talk it out. Figure out what this means between you two and what it means for your future.
I'm always of the opinion: everything happens for a reason.
All you have to do, is figure out what that reason is.
good luck and feel free to PM me if you want or need to talk about it. I'm not going to post it on here, but I'm willing to share it with you on a PM. IF you want to talk.
I'm not going to tell you too terminate the pregnancy or keep it or anything like that. I just want to give you my honest story and hope you take something from it.
My DH and I are extremely pro-choice. We are 8 years apart- him being 28 and I being 20. We just got married in December and told ourselves we'd consider abortion if we got pregnant at an "undesired time." We got married on December 18, 2010. We got back from our honeymoon on December 31, 2010 and that was the day I started the last period I've had. In February my period was a week or two late but I was working 80+ hours a week and going to school full time so I figured my body was just reacting to the stress. I took a test and it was positive. I cried. It wasn't what I wanted. I took 7 tests hoping the first one was just old and inaccurate. I got digital ones, hoping the lines I saw were just evap lines. It's hard to look at the word "pregnant" and take it as anything but that. DH was so excited, but I was in this world of "me." "Oh my gosh I won't be able to finish my degree because I'll have a stupid baby bothering me all the time." "Oh my gosh! I'll have to cut back from my full-time job and will probably have to quit my weekend job too!" "Oh man, now I have to stop drinking." Then. Something happened. I can't explain it, but I got this wash over me. It was no longer something that needed to be fixed. It happened that way for various reasons I believe; one being my need to get over myself. Now I can't imagine losing my unborn child and spend countless hours thinking about what he/she will look like and if it will be as stubborn as I am.
I know how hard it is. Don't hesitate to do what you need to do; for yourself and for your husband. PM me if you need to talk.
@brokenbee:I just wanted to lend my support and wish you luck in whatever you deciede. However, a lot of the posts that I've seen so far have just been about having the baby or not and I just wanted to put it out there that there is the option of adoption.
Good luck with that you deciede
I also wanted to lend my support. This is the thing I fear most - becoming pregnant when I'm/we're not ready.
The choice either way will be a difficult one but in the end it is between your husband and you.
Good luck and stay strong, this is tough.
I'm sorry to hear, it's a tough situation.
I became pregnant at 17 and chose to terminate the pregnancy. For me, it was the right thing to do, but everyone has to make their own decisions about what is right for them. In some ways, it was an easier decision for me then as compared to how it might be now. Now I'm capable of being a mother, even if it may not be when or how I want it. Then, I didn't feel as if I had any choice really but one.
My only advice I can offer, is be very careful whom you tell in real life while you struggle with this situation. Most people will try to push you into doing what they think is right, rather than providing support for whatever decision you make. And you can never take it back and unsay those conversations.
PM if you like and have any questions about my experience. This is my alter-ego username, but I am a regular poster.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I agree, don't tell anyone in real life while you deal with this, except your husband. If you decide to terminate, you'll be judged by someone and it's none of their buisness. I've never terminated, as I've only been pregnant once (right now), but I know because I have had a friend who had 2.
Thank you everyone for your support and stories. My husband and i talked last night about what a lot of you have already said....i'm only about 3 weeks along, so we have time to think this through and not make any rushed decisions. we are going to think and talk about it for a week and see how we feel at that point, and then go from there. while our first instinct was to terminate, we are both at age and stage in our lives where we COULD make it work if we really wanted to, even though it's not the "right" time at all.
we have also decided to tell no one about any of this while we make our decision. this is not the time to have others pressure us into a choice that we're not comfortable making.
thank you all again so much, you have no idea how much i appreciate your support! ((hugs))
Life is a bugger bear isn't it?
Well... let's look at the positives here. You're a married woman with the father of your child present in your life and ready to be present in your child's life. Many women don't have that. You have a job and you're in school so you have the means and the smarts to raise a child. Some women don't have that either. Maybe your lives as a family won't begin with a home in the burbs and a nanny to care for the child while you're working on your career. It will begin more modest and more intimate and you won't be able to buy all the high end baby stuff you may have wanted to purchase. You'll have to sacrifice and adjust. So what! You won't be the first nor the last to go through this. I know it seems like this is bad news, but if you change your perspective (I know it won't be easy) this can actually be good news. You are so much more fortunate than a lot of other women in this situation. I agree that it won't be easy, but... this is life.
Ugh, I don't know what i would do in your situation,but i agree with pp's, that you should keep this between you and your hubs until you make a decision, whatever it may be. Only you 2 know what is right for your life, you don't need judgment from others on top of an already stressful situation
I think what to do is such a personal decision, you are smart to keep it to yourselves and take the time you need to absorb how much your lives will change . Many people in less than ideal circumstances get this news and receiving support in whatever form is needed, is really important.
I wish you the best.
(((hugs)))
A wise woman once told me "if you wait until you're 'ready' to have kids, you'll never have them".
If you want it to work, it can. Many of our parents and parents and grandparents got through similar situations.
My sister got pregnant while in college; and she now has 2 beautiful children she wouldn't trade for the world! (And yes, she was scared sh!tless as well.)
My husband and I were just married for 8 months when we got a positive pregnancy test. While we knew we wanted kids, it certainly wasn't now. Each of us went through our own phases of dealing and coming to terms with the fact that it has happened now and we wanted to deal with it now. I was ok with everything at first, but still scared to be pregnant and all the joys that come along with that. My husband didn't really talk much about it at first but I think after our first ultrasound he became more attached to the baby then I was.
@brokenbee:oh i am so sorry to hear this. Please make sure you take the time to make the right decision for you both. If you decide not to have the baby, consider speaking to a therapist to make sure you can handle the decision - I would worry about whether or not something like this could haunt you if you guys aren't totally sure about it. Of course if you do decide to have the baby, you will find a great and supportive group on the bee to guide you through pregnancy and beyond!
Ok *hugs* Breath deeeeeep breaths!!
A simalar situation happened to my FI and I. Except we werent married yet. Its unplanned and scary!! I know. But you gotta keep your head up. Im not going to tell you that its not going to be scary and hard sometimes, but I will tell you that its worth it!! That baby is going to be the one thing that you look at and are just so confused about how you can love something/someone so much!!
Now I know you said your pro choice. It is different when you get there. You are scared right now and thats okay bc you are only human here. Ultamitly its your choice. and Im not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you to think it over completely!
You are in school and working and have alot on your pate right now. If you bring a baby into the world it will change things. You wont just be able to pick up and go whenever you please.. you will need to study and sleep around the babies schedule. But you can do it. Your a woman!! and the strongest people I know are women. and you will just get stronger after that baby is born.
Now you also said that you just took the test. Know that.. Assuming this is your first pregnancy. but even if its not, you could miscarry. My mother did 3 times once in between all of her children!
Now there are a lot of emotions and tears.. but that is countered with happiness and laughs. Its a rough road at times. But at the end of the day you and your hustband need to talk and decide what is best for the both of you!!
Good luck!!
I am so sorry that you are stressed.
I was a teenage highschool drop out. In an extremely abusive relationship. I had no friends and I had been isolated from my family for some time when I found out I was pregnant.
I decided to keep my baby (I am pro-choice btw). I left the relationship with a backpack of diapers and a few baby clothes (I still regret leaving the few things I had from the hospital like her bracelet and such but whatever lol).
Anyways point of my story is that I am happy with the choice I made, even though it was a tough road for me to get where I am now.
I think take some time to really think about where both of you stand and how you will feel about either of the choices you make. Whatever you choose will be the right choice for both of you and don't let anyone make you feel differently.
I wish you all the best and hope that everything works out! Please keep us updated. We will be here for you!
I guess I can't quite understand because I've never been pregnant and as last May it's impossible for me to get pregnant (and my fiance had himself "fixed" also). But my FI and I talked about what would happen if we got pregnant because we are both in agreement on not wanting kids...and I KNOW I would be one of those mothers who resented her children (even those around me agree I wouldn't be one of those who would miraculously fall in love with kids, even my own. I'm a teacher, but I prefer the older ones who can take care of themselves, even at least partially.) I could tell my fiance was immediately relieved when I told him I would prefer an abortion to having a child - and I know I'm in the minority here, and I may seem cold and heartless when I say that a child would ruin the plans I have more life.
But this doesn't mean my decision is the right one for you either, I just wanted to give you one more that wasn't "even though you didn't want a baby RIGHT now, it will end up being a miracle for you." Which might be the case, for you...who knows...you guys have to decide what's right for you, whether that is having the baby, adoption, or abortion and don't let other's views (bees, family, friends) sway. Take all the advice you can get, but in the end make the decision that's right for you and don't make anyone make you feel like you're "wrong" whatever you decide.
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult decision. I am not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to add another perspective to the mix. Have you considered adoption? As someone who has been trying to get pregnant for over a year now (and would do ANYTHING to see that positive test!) I can tell you that there are many people who would love to give that baby a great home. Being pregnant will not be easy, nor will labor and delivery, so it is a huge sacrifice on your part. But it is another option.
@brokenbee: my situation is not the same but similiar. I found myself pregnanat and unprepared at 21. I had never ever wanted to have children. I was devestated.
It was a rough road. I decided to have an abortion. I made the appointment but was unable to go through with it. I had my daughter and her father and I split two years later. It has been a difficult but truly rewarding journey.
Only you and your husband know what is best for you but if you want to talk you can PM me.
This is one of my biggest fears (behind a terminal illness), so I can kind of understand the emotions you're going through right now. I actually just had a vivid dream that I was pregnant and I was so distraught when I woke up and had already convinced myself to terminate, regardless of the fact that DH and I are almost 30 and have well paying jobs. I was so glad it was just a dream, but one day it might not be. I guess it's never really the 'right' time unless you've both been wanting it.
I think you're doing the right thing by keeping it a secret and taking your time to think about it. That is an extremely mature and smart way of going about it. And everyone will have an opinion about what you should do, but the reality is YOU are the ones who will have to face the consequences of your decision, not everyone else.
I've been through this as well. You need to make a decision that is right for you. Don't let anyone humiliate you or force you into it. If it's not right, it's not right.
I just want to add my support to this thread, brokenbee. I know you're in such a tough spot, right now, trying to figure out the best option for you and your family. Just remember that you have some time to talk things over with your husband. You have time to go over everything a million times and a million different ways until you come up with the decision that best fits you and your situation. And if you need to talk more, or rant and yell, or cry, we're all here to listen and give virtual hugs while you figure things out. Even by PM, I'd be happy to listen and talk more. Hugs. We're here for you.
I am posting under a new name because I know several people on here. PLEASE truly think of everything before you even consider doing anything.
Last year, I found out that I was pregnant 2 weeks after getting engaged. I was so scared... not because I could not afford the child or because I was not old enough. My FI and I are very established but, a baby did not fit in to any of our plans. I wanted to be married and wait a few years before having children. When I saw positive on the stick I wanted to die...I can't even believe I am telling you this... but, I secretly hoped to miscarry the baby. I wanted to erase any part of me getting pregnant.
Well, at 8 weeks I ended up losing my baby. I went through so many emotions and I still have a hard time forgiving myself for wanting to get rid of my child just for my own selfish reasons. I would do anything to have my baby here. Not one part of me was excited for my baby and that kills me every day. I have grown so much this year and
Honey, know that so many of us have been in your shoes. I really just want you to know that no matter what happens you will have to deal with your decision forever. The fact is... terminating the pregnancy will not erase this. You need to really ask yourself if you could live the rest of your life with making that decision. For me... I live every day knowing that I wished for my baby not being here just so I could have the life that I have always dreamed about. Please know that I am praying for you!
i know how your feeling and its really difficult. when i took the test and it came back + i cried and i cried and i cried and it wasnt tears of joy. i took 5 tests that night just to make sure. our wedding was planned i just bought my wedding dress and everything. we live in a one bedroom apartment, and we sure as heck cant afford a child. everything was falling down around me. but there was no way i could abort. this is a part of me and the man i love. and for me that was enough to keep our baby. im now 14 weeks pregnant and i still wonder how we will afford everything and if im going to be a good mom. but i know i made the right choice. just take your time and talk it over with your husband.
I was in a similar situation. I chose to have my son. The only words of advice I can offer are these:
MOST women NEVER regret having their child. But MOST women feel guilty for having an abortion. Even years later. ( At least in my own personal experience from the many women I have known).
Life has a way for working out, though. No matter what you decide to do, everything will be okay.
I was a single mom, and in a bad relationship to start. I truely believe that you can make it work. Money and such always seems to work itself out one way or another, and there are a lot of resources to help families out. Good luck and try to be look at the possitive.
Just wanted to say... you have to do what's right for you in your particular situation.
Any guilt you may feel about terminating a pregnancy when others talk about how much trouble they're having getting pregnant truly should be put to the sidelines. Compassion for others is wonderful, but as insensitive as it might seem, the circumstances of others don't really have any bearing upon your life and your choices.
You aren't them and it isn't your responsibility to have a child just because someone else might not be able to. That doesn't make any sense in the long run.
If you aren't comfortable with the life changes a pregnancy and baby will bring to your life, then make the (difficult) decision to go down another path.
Just know that you have the support and love of those around you. Not everyone is going to approve of your decision, whatever it may be, but those that truly have your best interests at heart will stick by you.
Best of luck :-)
Let me also freely and without fear of being judged add that I was pregnant when I was 18 and decided that I wasn't ready to have a child. I truly have no regrets about it; it was the best decision for everyone at the time.
Sending you hugs and wishing you luck. There has been some great advice on here, so I won't add more except to say that you should let anyone make you feel guilty for considering a termination. I know that when people have difficulty conceiving it seems natural to say that, but I truly don't believe that should come into this equation for you and your husband.
I just wanted to say thank you again, this is honestly such an awesome group of women! I was afraid to post on here for fear of being judged - I know we make the decision to have sex and feel like we should live with the outcomes. Neither of us want a child right now, and thats what worries me the most. I do not want to resent my children or be a bad mother because I had one when I wasn't ready. But I'm also pretty much terrified of any medical procedure :(
Ahhh...decisions, decisions. We're lucky we have a bit of time to work through this.
@beenthere2:i know the feelings you describe exactly. I often feel a miscarriage would take the blame and guilt off of me, so I dont even have to make a decision :( it is the most awful feeling in the world, having thoughts like that.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 66 |
| akp0702 | 41 |
| Mrs.KMM | 40 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 40 |
| beargoose | 39 |
| ndreighton | 38 |
| stardustintheeyes | 32 |
| Gemstone | 31 |
| BetterSherm | 31 |
| MrsPom | 29 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| roxy821 | 3 |
| hergreenapples | 1 |
| Jenn23 | 1 |
| Gabrielle123 | 1 |
| BayStateBride | 1 |
| totheislnds | 1 |
| shimmerofheaven | 1 |
| Mrs Sarah McK | 1 |
| rachiecakes | 1 |
| Running Elley | 1 |
