Post # 1
this went into the beehive last time, but i meant to put it here. i come to you all for help and support and guidance. i am a regular poster but cannot post under my real username right now 🙁 my DH and i JUST got married, and this weekend i noticed i was 2 days late. i took my first ever pregnancy test and it came back positive. we are religious with our BC (pill taken correctly + condoms about 80% of the time) and are years away from wanting children.
i feel like my world has shattered, and yet there are so many lovely bees who are struggling to get pregnant. we do not own a home, are both in school (and both work full time) and are in no way ready financially or emotionally to start a family. i’ve always been extremely pro-choice, but i guess that’s because i’ve never thought i’d have to make the choice for myself? my husband and i are both at a loss for which way to turn.
has anyone ever had a similar experience? how did you handle it? any support possible would be greatly appreciated. thank you bees.
Post # 3
@brokenbee: I know a good deal about how this feels… except I was 14 and in high school when it happened to me. It will be okay, I promise 🙂 It is all about moving on with what you have and not dwelling on what could have been. And time management. get everything done that you can before you have the baby so you aren’t stressing as much, too much stress+pregnancy=not good. I am here if you ever need to talk 🙂
Post # 4
SoontobeMrsA was a single mom for several years. While the struggles she faced were probably somewhat different than yours will be, there are probably still some similarities. I know I’ve seen her say countless times that Annabelle (her daughter) is the best thing to ever happen to her – and was totally unexpected, unplanned, unprepared-for. I am 100% positive she would be happy to PM with you even if she doesn’t see this thread.
Post # 5
I’m sorry, I can’t offer any pearls of wisdom, as I’ve not been in your position. All I can say is this isn’t a decision you need to make tonight, or even this week. I don’t think it’s a decision that should be made hastily.
(And remember, pro-choice doesn’t mean pro-abortion. It means having the ability to make the choice for what’s right for you and your family. I’m very pro-choice as well, andif I had gotten pregnant before DH and I started TTC, I honestly have no idea what I’d have done.)
And if you decide to keep it, you’ll make it work. Like abby said on the other post, our mothers and grandmothers did it. It might take a lot of sacrifice and hard work, but it’s doable.
Good luck honey.
Post # 6
I discovered I was pregnant 3 weeks after we decided to get married. We weren’t living together, had no health insurance and were on the “10 year plan” to having kids. I considered adoption as well as terminating my pregnancy. After much soul searching we decided to have the baby.
I can honestly say, it was not easy but we dealt with it together. There were a lot of tears and sacrifice. It’s not the ideal way to begin an already unstable situation, but it can be done. Our daughter has motivated me in ways I never thought possible. She made our life better.
I can only share my personal experience, but for us the struggle was worth it. We aren’t perfect but every day we make it work.
Post # 7
Sending you hugs and lots of support for whatever you choose to do. Don’t let anyone try to push you into THEIR right decision – do what’s right for you and your family, whatever that may be.
Post # 8
I have not been in your position but I wanted to offer my support.
I think this will just need a lot of thought and talking it over with your husband. There is no right decision. I guess you just have to decide who you feel is right for you. Maybe it is unexpected and terrifying but you will decide that you want to take a chance and move ahead with it. Mayve you will realize that the time is wrong and you are just not ready. I am sorry that I don’t have any magic words for you……..but just know that there is no right awnser and you should ultimatly do what works for you.
I am sorry…I can only imagine how hard this must be.
Post # 9
@brokenbee: I’m so sorry. 🙁 I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Finding out your pregnant should be a happy day, not one with stress and grief.
I know a lot of people on here will tell you that you should have the baby. That it’s worth it, you’ll find out it was a blessing in disguise, etc. And maybe for them is WAS. But this is YOU.
You and your husband need to decide together how to proceed. You’re both still in school? Not my ideal situation, either. The good thing is you aren’t alone. You have your husband. And he’ll be there for you regardless.
And should you choose to terminate this pregnancy–and it is YOUR CHOICE no matter who comes on this thread and says that it isn’t–it doesn’t make you less of a woman or a future mother. It just means that you want to bring a child into this world in the BEST of circumstances (not that anyone is ever truly ready).
And this goes against everything I just said, but my mother got pregnant with me just a few months after being married. She told me (not when I was little!!) that it was totally unexpected. She said she cried for three days. My parents, or at least my father, are very pro-life, so that has a lot to do with it I’m sure, but they had me. And I think they are occasionally glad they did.
Post # 10
@brokenbee: Ah I’m sorry–that is really rough to go through. I can tell you my experience with this…I had an unplanned pregnancy. FI and I had only been dating for a year and knew we wanted to marry each other but still date for a few years before we wanted to get married. Everyone told me I HAD to keep the baby, had to. That I wouldn’t have any support if I decided to terminate the pregnancy (which was my mistake to tell people I thought were friends but had never been in my position before). Luckily, I had my sisters who were backing up my idea of getting an abortion. I went to a clinic and luckily that made it clear for me…and FI felt the same. We kept the baby. But the point is you need to my the choice for yourself (same with your husband) no one else can influence you guys…
Just think it over, you have some time. At the time, having him was okay. If it happens again? I don’t think we could go through it again…my post partum depression was a nightmare.
Post # 11
@brokenbee: Yup, been there before and after a lot of tears and hell, we went on to have our daughter.
It’s difficult and not easy, but if you have support with family and friends, you’ll be fine.
However, you AND your husband need to figure out what is best for you both. How you’re feel IF you terminate the pregnancy and how you’ll deal if you continue with the pregnancy.
Give it time and talk it out. Figure out what this means between you two and what it means for your future.
I’m always of the opinion: everything happens for a reason.
All you have to do, is figure out what that reason is.
good luck and feel free to PM me if you want or need to talk about it. I’m not going to post it on here, but I’m willing to share it with you on a PM. IF you want to talk.
Post # 12
I’m not going to tell you too terminate the pregnancy or keep it or anything like that. I just want to give you my honest story and hope you take something from it.
My DH and I are extremely pro-choice. We are 8 years apart- him being 28 and I being 20. We just got married in December and told ourselves we’d consider abortion if we got pregnant at an “undesired time.” We got married on December 18, 2010. We got back from our honeymoon on December 31, 2010 and that was the day I started the last period I’ve had. In February my period was a week or two late but I was working 80+ hours a week and going to school full time so I figured my body was just reacting to the stress. I took a test and it was positive. I cried. It wasn’t what I wanted. I took 7 tests hoping the first one was just old and inaccurate. I got digital ones, hoping the lines I saw were just evap lines. It’s hard to look at the word “pregnant” and take it as anything but that. DH was so excited, but I was in this world of “me.” “Oh my gosh I won’t be able to finish my degree because I’ll have a stupid baby bothering me all the time.” “Oh my gosh! I’ll have to cut back from my full-time job and will probably have to quit my weekend job too!” “Oh man, now I have to stop drinking.” Then. Something happened. I can’t explain it, but I got this wash over me. It was no longer something that needed to be fixed. It happened that way for various reasons I believe; one being my need to get over myself. Now I can’t imagine losing my unborn child and spend countless hours thinking about what he/she will look like and if it will be as stubborn as I am.
I know how hard it is. Don’t hesitate to do what you need to do; for yourself and for your husband. PM me if you need to talk.
Post # 13
@brokenbee:I just wanted to lend my support and wish you luck in whatever you deciede. However, a lot of the posts that I’ve seen so far have just been about having the baby or not and I just wanted to put it out there that there is the option of adoption.
Good luck with that you deciede
Post # 14
I also wanted to lend my support. This is the thing I fear most – becoming pregnant when I’m/we’re not ready.
The choice either way will be a difficult one but in the end it is between your husband and you.
Good luck and stay strong, this is tough.
Post # 15
I’m sorry to hear, it’s a tough situation.
I became pregnant at 17 and chose to terminate the pregnancy. For me, it was the right thing to do, but everyone has to make their own decisions about what is right for them. In some ways, it was an easier decision for me then as compared to how it might be now. Now I’m capable of being a mother, even if it may not be when or how I want it. Then, I didn’t feel as if I had any choice really but one.
My only advice I can offer, is be very careful whom you tell in real life while you struggle with this situation. Most people will try to push you into doing what they think is right, rather than providing support for whatever decision you make. And you can never take it back and unsay those conversations.
PM if you like and have any questions about my experience. This is my alter-ego username, but I am a regular poster.
Post # 16
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I agree, don’t tell anyone in real life while you deal with this, except your husband. If you decide to terminate, you’ll be judged by someone and it’s none of their buisness. I’ve never terminated, as I’ve only been pregnant once (right now), but I know because I have had a friend who had 2.