Post # 1
I can never tell if I’m being too sensitive or asking for too much…
DH and I had decided it was reasonable to ask people not to visit right away. We are currently in a tiny one bedroom apartment where the only place for guests to sleep is on the love seat. About two weeks after baby comes, we will be moving back to our house which, while still small, has a guest room.
MIL came to visit and kept bringing up how she got to see the other grandbaby 20 min after he was born…they live in the same town and she got up in the middle of the night to go to hospital to visit. She lives 7 hours from us…but, after she left DH tells me that they’ve now discussed that she could come the day after delivery and stay in a hotel and “she’ll just visit for a half hour and that’s all”
Really? All I can think is how they (she will likely bring a sibling or two with her) will keep dropping in, they’ll expect some of DH’s time, I’ll have to be entertaining while they are here (even if it is only a half hour!), etc. My family lives in the same town as she does and they would not come unless I specifically invited them, which I hadn’t planned to do. I would prefer they come for a real visit in our house when we are ready.
My hope was that during that first week I could really relax with baby, focus on learning breastfeeding, have some time to recover, and that DH would be here to support us. Too much to ask? Am I being too selfish and uptight?
Post # 3
@envirobride: I don’t have children, but that’s what I would want. Plus, I don’t think it’s best to bring baby out and about or be around too many people before s/he can get preliminary vaccines/immunity.
I would be okay with a day after half hour if they stayed in a hotel. I think that’s a fair compromise.
Post # 4
Your plan sounds fair to me, and what I want when DS is born. Once you allow one person to visit, other people will think its unfair and guilt you in to letting them visit too.
Plus no one is coming near my baby unless they are fully immunised (whooping cough etc) until bub is old enough to be immunised.. The last thing you want is a heap of people touching your baby and making them sick.
Post # 5
Well I’m not pregnant & I don’t have any kids, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I don’t think a 30 minute visit the day after delivery sounds so bad. Wouldn’t you still be in the hospital the day after anyway, so you wouldn’t have to entertain the way you would if they were just coming to your home. And I’m sure that they’ll probably just fuss over the baby, and not bother you so much anyway.
Post # 6
I think its nice that she wants to see the baby and stay out of your way at the hotel. Moms realize you just gave birth and would not expect you to entertain or cater to them.
Plus you might like some company in the first day or two. I was running on pure adrenaline and all the baby wanted to do is sleep!
Post # 7
@envirobride: I agree with you – its a bit much to ask. As soon as you allow one or two people to visit…others on your side will wonder why they never got an invite! I would just put your foot down and say no to EVERYONE. Stay consistent. Stay strong. All the best!
Post # 8
Every MIL is different, just as every Mother. When I had my babies it was my MIl who came over to help because my Mom lived so far away, but she was amazing.
She was very clear that her role was to help around the house and leave the care of the baby to me. She did laundry, ironing, made meals, did the housekeeping, entertained ny son when my daughter was born, answered the phone and took messages etc.
Her presence made me feel very comfortable taking a nap when the baby was sleeping as not only was there nothing else for me to do, but I knew that she would come and wake me if I was needed for the baby.
She was and still is an amazing source of support in my life, even though I divorced her son long ago.
Post # 9
Since you asked…yes you are being selfish and uptight. I can’t imagine telling family they couldn’t come for 30 min the day after. I have 2 kids and I was excited to share in the joy of my children being born.
I absolutely loved having help afterwards. My parents cooked, cleaned, ran errands, and held the baby so I could eat.
Also, you need to remember that this is your husbands child too. Maybe he wants his mom to be there.
Post # 10
I say yes, I think you are. Some of my favorite memories are seeing my niece and nephew when they were only days old, it’s a special moment. I don’t think a 30 min visit is too much, and you’ll appreciate a tiny break!
Post # 11
Take is as a positive. Let her come by, she can look after bub whilst you have that well deserved shower. If i were MIL i would be highly offende d- but maybe that’s just the way our family operates.
Having people wantign to come by is a much better problem than not having a support network at all.
Post # 12
I honestly prefered visits at the hospital, people usually keep them short and you don’t have to host/entertain.
While I usually say that whatever mom wants should go, I do think it is a little extreme not letting Grandparents visit for 2 weeks, babies change a lot in that time. If there are limits set (x amount of time) I wouldn’t have a problem with it if my DH wanted them to be able to visit.
Post # 13
I think that her staying in a hotel and visiting for 30 minutes is a very reasonable compromise. While it is you and your husband’s baby, she is still the grandmother and excited. It sounds like she understands how you’ll feel and is trying to be respectful of that.
Post # 14
Yes, I think you are asking too much. Your MIL will not expect to be entertained. And if she does, tell your DH to manage it. Most people love having family over to help with the cooking cleaning etc. She just wants to meet her grand baby!
Post # 15
@envirobride: Your request is reasonable. Your husband should put what you want before what his mother wants. He’s started a family with his wife – that’s the priority. She can wait.
Post # 16
Another Older Bee here (like a few others who I see have commented in this topic just above my reply)
Once upon a time, it was very common for a New Mom to get help from either her own Mom or her MIL
It was both “expected” and very much welcomed (altho I will admit that when I was a NEW Mom the first time, I was very much worried about the whole concept… however was I going to establish a routine, bonding, and keep my Mom / MIL occupied at the same time)
My fears were unfounded. I was EXHAUSTED. My MIL spent 2 weeks with us, and my own Mom about 10 Days. It was fabulous. They did as @julies1949: & @mtbikelover: said all the things I truly couldn’t have gotten my head around in those first weeks… and with Hubby at work, there was no way he would have been up to doing them at the end of his long day.
“The Moms” did all the chores. Baby & I bonded… The Moms were quite content just to be in the “presence” of the little one. And I got a lot of much needed rest. Hubby got to come home to great meals (Nothing like Dinner cooked by Mom, eh ?) and he could relax and just bond / snuggle with the little one too.
It was AWESOME
By the time The Moms made their exit… we were well established as a Family Unit (and well rested). It made things a lot easier from then out. Baby was feeding, sleeping on a semblance of a routine. I could get back to the chores, and long days. Hubby wasn’t exhausted either…
When our kids have babies… be I the Mom, Step Mom, or MIL… I plan to offer my help. And I hope that the kids and their spouses can see the benefit in it too.
Having a baby is a huge stressor… until you’ve had one, it is hard to imagine how hard exactly those first few weeks can be as a NEW Mom. I think that if you asked most women they would have loved to have a trusted family member who they didn’t have to “put on a face / act for” be their fairy godmother (fairy grandmother) and be there to help them out with all the mundane crap that still needs to get done around the house that they had zero energy for.
Stuff to think about / consider.