Probably just ruined things as I'm sick of waiting. What to do now?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t really have any advice. I can see why you feel how you do, and maybe you just gave him the push he needed. if he doesn’t want to marry you, he won’t. I think you just have to wait It out and see. 

Post # 4
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

DOUBLE POST!

Post # 5
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Squirrelz15:  + 100

@waitiekatie:  Honestly, I am glad you got a bit tipsy and said what was really on your heart. You ruined NOTHING! The truth was simply revealed. I just don’t think you guys are in the same “place” and possibly due to your age difference. I agree completely with PP, you just have to wait it out. Whatever you do don’t get back together with him without a GAME PLAN! I promise his proposal won’t be ruined if he does propose now, only if he doesn’t mean it.! He will see he can take advantage of you and you will resent him. Stand your ground! Hugs! Please keep us updated! 

Where is Thistimeround? She would have some GREAT advice.:)

Post # 6
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m sorry this happened to you.  Like PP said I don’t think this will ruin your proposal.  I think you should call him tomorrow and have the same talk when you are sober and he has now had time to think about what you said.  This man is taking care of you and although you aren’t getting what you want he has given a lot.  I would just straight out ask him again why he hasn’t proprosed, there has to be a reason, not a big one but there has to be one.  You both need to re-evaluate your relationship and see if this is what you BOTH truly want.  But you have to talk to him! The sooner the better, waiting in limbo sucks!  Good luck and you’re in my thoughts.

Post # 7
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You merely revealed what is in your heart and how you feel. You should be able to do that with the man you love. Do not apologize for speaking your mind. If he truly wants to propose, he will do it. You ruined absolutely nothing.

Post # 9
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’d go ahead and call and talk.  Again, telling him what you are really thinking is the “adult” thing to do.  So is callling him up and just talking about normal things, you know?  Keep the phone conversation light (if you can), let him know that you are looking forward to seeing him soon.  Once you are together, have a good talk without alchohol involved, lol!  My DH and I broke up for about 4 months (after a 6 year relationship because I became so anxious over a proposal).  We got back together because we loved each other and we were engaged 10 months later (when I was 30).  Waiting is so rough!!!!  Good luck 🙂 

Post # 10
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@waitiekatie:  

 

I told him not to bother coming home from his parents house after Christmas and that we’re on a break while he thinks about things. We haven’t spoken since.

 

Bravo, girl! Bravo! You did the right thing….

 

 Now I’m at a loss. I don’t know how this is going to pan out. Any proposal I get after this ultimatum will be ruined and I’ll forever feel I had to push him into it.

 

My dear girl.  I’m saying this with love and in the spirit of supporting you. I know that the silence between you two is probably excruciating and you probably don’t want to hear what I’m about to say. But there is a very decent chance that you would be going through NONE of this if you hadn’t moved in with him two years ago, with no engagement or proposal formalized.

 

You have, in my gentle yet humble opinion, taken a very active part in how this has played out. Your b/f probably has gotten very comfortable here. By waiting so long to rock the boat, you’ve sent a message to your b/f … the message being that you’re comfortable waiting for him to take his time. 

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you… a proposal may come or it may not come.

 

If it doesn’t come — DON’T BLAME YOURSELF. A man who really loves you will move heaven and earth to have you. And if your B/F doesn’t love you enough to do that — you do not belong in this relationship one moment longer.

 

And if it does come — DON’T BLAME YOURSELF because you’ve done nothing wrong in putting your cards out on the table and letting him know that you’re no longer willing to wait indefinitely for him to make up his mind.

 

Don’t blame yourself! Speaking up for yourself, your needs, hopes wants and dreams, is not a bad thing. It’s a GOOD thing!

 

If you hadn’t been together for five years, or if you were teen-agers/in college, my advice would be very different. But five years is more than enough time for a grown man to know whether he is ready to commit.  

 

Post # 11
Member
980 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think the fact that you have been living together has ruined anything, nor do I think that you spilling the beans while tipsy has ruined anything! It is very important that you are able to speak openly about all of this. He needs to know that this is important to you and he is nearing the deadline. Just be sure that he knows where you stand and vice versa. Waiting is tough! And I wish I could take my own advice lol. 

 

@luckylady3090:  +1 to everything you said! 

 

Keep us posted, OP.

 

Post # 12
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BelliniChic:  +1000 everything she said

I also yelled at DH for not proposing. I did give him my TTC + wedding timeline as well. Once he understood why I wasn’t happy with waiting, he did propose. And the proposal was not ruined in any way!

 

OP, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, but I really believe you have a say in this! It’s not fair for him to drag things on with you. Maybe he got complacent, lazy, or doesn’t realize how important it is for you. I hope this knocks more sense into him.

Post # 13
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@waitiekatie:  

“But THEN I got a little tipsy and upset on Christmas night and started texting him telling him how I feel about having to wait, and how if he really loved me and wanted to be with me he would have proposed by now…I told him not to bother coming home from his parents house after Christmas and that we’re on a break while he thinks about things. We haven’t spoken since.”

Unlike @BelliniChic and @melonseeds, I don’t think this was the right thing to do, but I can understand why your built up frustration spilled over when you were tipsy. However, this is not an appropriate way to start a mature discussion with your significant other. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I don’t see this as mature or something that should be lauded. 

The reason I say this wasn’t the right thing to do is because I don’t think that it’s ever a good idea to talk about any sort of real issue in your relationship via a tipsy outburst over text. I think things need to be discussed with a calm mind, a sober mind. It doesn’t sound like you said too many things that you didn’t mean from what you wrote here, but maybe you didn’t actually mean that you don’t want him to come home from his parents’ house for Christmas? That sounds like something that could have been said in anger while inhibitions were lowered to me.

Honestly, if I were you, I’d probably contact him and apologize for anything you said out of anger that you now regret and realize you didn’t mean and then ask him whether he can think about these things carefully and whether you can have a calm and rational discussion about this when he gets back from his parents’ house. You definitely deserve to revisit this topic and get answers, which is why it’s good to give him time to think and then have a discussion about it. In the meantime, you can collect your thoughts and figure out whether there is anything else that you want to say to him regarding the subject.

Post # 14
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee

@luckylady3090:  hahaha I always look for her! Great advise from an experienced and nice lady! 

Post # 15
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@waitiekatie:  I think it’s okay for you to remind him how you are feeling. Most people think ultimatums are wrong, but honestly, some dudes need them. Some guys get comfortable with their relationships are and don’t necessarily feel like anything needs to change. I had a timeline for when I felt that a proposal was necessary and my bf at the time (now FI) felt like it was a threat, but for me it was really about how long I was willing to stay his gf. I said that after 4 years he should know which direction he wants our relationship to take and it was up to me whether I wanted to go in the same direction. It could have blown up in my face and he could have not proposed. In that case, I would have exited the relationship (hopefully) gracefull and found someone who did want to marry me. 

With that said, everything happens for a reason. I hope everything works out in your favor. 🙂

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