Post # 1
My FI is doing NOTHING to help plan, and I really want his input. He’s set aside nights to “talk through things” about five different times, and then always decides that we should do something else. Our wedding is almost a year away, BUT we are both very busy during the school year, so I really want to have many our our ducks in a row before the school year starts. The biggest stress for me is finding an officiant, because I am an out of practice Christian (my family is very much practicing, so I would like to include some Christian elements and hopefully find a minister) and he is an agnostic. But given our backgrounds, I know that it will be hard to find someone in rural michigan who is *willing and qualified to marry us. I feel like I can’t even look for an officiant until we have a clear idea of what we want our ceremony to be like (so we can be upfront with potential officiants).
Did any bees find a good way to light the planning fire under their beloved’s tushie?
Post # 3
Some FI’s really seem to be into the planning and others aren’t. I usually narrowed whatever topic down to a few options (like 3) and we decided together from there. I would probably start contacting officiants and set up meetings with them for times that both you and your FI can attend. Your officiant will help you make decisions about what the ceremony will look like to make it “you.” I think at the beginning it’s more important to find someone that you both get along with and your personalities don’t clash. We had a problem with that and actually had to change ministers as a result.
Post # 4
My husband really wasn’t into planning. I only discussed big picture things with him because most guys will never be interested in linen colors or the types of flowers you want.
Post # 5
Those girls said it best–focus on things he is actually interested in (venue, menu, DJ, tuxes, whatever) and narrow his choices. My FI wants to have a nice wedding (which he will not admit out loud) but is overwhelmed with 3,000 pictures of wedding cakes.
Post # 6
My fiance doesn’t care for the details, either. I’ll show stuff to him, but he rarely gives an opinion on anything. I’m just trying to involve him in things he does care about, like our first dance song, what he’s wearing, and holding the scanner gun when we register. 🙂
Post # 7
Definitely narrow it down to a few options and then ask for his opinion. My FI doesn’t care about themes and colors, etc. He just wants to throw a good party. I admit it kinda sucks sometimes because sometimes it comes across as him not caring, but he just not one of those guys who cares about the details.
Post # 8
I would talk with him and find some things that he would like to do and work on. This has worked well for FI and I. He is working on specific things. He is currently primarily planning the honeymoon, working with our officiant, ceremony musician, all communication with our jeweler (setting up appointments) and working with the groomsmen on tuxes (measurements, styles etc). Dividing specific tasks has worked well for us.
I agree that most guys will not care about linens, flowers or little details. I have always had FI go with me to all of our meetings with vendors. I have also tried to always talk to him about decisions I am making and get him involved in fun ways like cake tasting!
Post # 9
If you feel like you cannot start working on things he may be interested in (venue, suit-tux, food, music etc) until you have the ceremony “sketched out” try googling some sample ceremonies, pull a few and when you find one that somewhat appeals to you, show it to him, get him to give you a specific opinion on a specific question; ceremony in general is a bit vague, and may seem overwhelming–or perhaps he assumed there was only one set of “traditional” vows?
Search the forum as well, there are a LOT of vows, readings, links and examples posted both in the ceremony boards & secular.
Post # 10
My fiance isn’t a planner and generally doesn’t have much interest in the minute details that go into a wedding. So, usually if I have an idea or put together a draft of something, I ask for him to look over it or whether he’s OK with us using it . . . when it came to choosing vendors, I’d come up with a few options & ask for his help choosing between them. I want him to be involved but I also have realistic expectations of his involvement, so that is how I’ve figured out how to compromise.
Post # 11
My FI is usually very good at tackling projects (methodically), and after reading your feedback, I realized that I hadn’t *really* been listening to him when he told me that all of the details of weddings overwhelm him (I’d given him an excel list of every little thing we needed to consider and plan, broken down by category, and was like “choose one.” That is a LOT to think about).
So, today I told him that his job was to look at google maps of the churches within 20 miles of our venue (I’m starting with a small radius), and to make me a list of the churches from which he would feel comfortable having a minister. From there, I will send emails to “get to know” the ministers.
He was REALLY enthusiastic about doing this and is working on it right now; he just needed a smaller, more focused goal.
Thank you, Bees, for reminding me to be more patient and understanding of the FI’s aversion to wedding planning 🙂
@emb610–he will love working the scanner gun when we register