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I understand that you are feeling stagnant right now, but just think, those people that seem to be moving forward are mostly doing it in situations that you consider to be less than ideal. Be patient and things will happen the way you want them to! You will be more financially stable and secure in your careers. As for what you said to your man, it may have been a bit emotional, but in the end he should understand that you have big dreams and that the waiting game is a difficult one! Perhaps you could apologize for assuming something about him, but then explain to him your point of view. Sometimes talking out the real issue helps a lot! Good luck!
@chicagowife: *sigh* I'm glad I'm not the only one left who thinks it isn't okay. No, I don't even want children right now or even soon, I'm just jealous of the fact they have something secure (a baby) and I have....just a boyfriend.
Yeah, I understand. Having a child out of wedlock is a terrible thing to do. It may work out for the best, and it may turn out ok, but the best thing FOR CHILDREN is to be in a two-parent household where their parents have made a formal commitment to each other and to their children. Just remember: you want to build a relationship that is going to be husband and wife. A lifetime commitment. That's a lot more secure than a "baby's Daddy" or "baby's Mommy" relationship. So work on making your relationship strong, making a foundation for a lifetime commitment. Do things in the right order, do them right. In two, five, ten, twenty, and fifty years you'll be happy you did.
Whoa.... I don't know if being a parent out of wedlock it just the end all be all of terrible things to do. There are plenty of happy couples out there who have started off that way and there are even more well rounded happy children that have come out of single parent homes.
But, back to the original post. I see where you are coming from, that it is like some people are rewarded for making brash decisions while you feel like because you are playing by the rules, you feel like you aren't going anywhere. But just remember, if you have this strong basis that you are working on, chances are that you will be happier in the long run. Waiting sucks, there is no doubt about it, but doing what is right now will pay off in the end.
Wow @chicagowife, those are some really harsh words about unmarried partners having children. There isn't one single way to properly live a life. Ouch!
trust me these time are not th eold days having a baby doesnt make things secure.
Sounds like you're just frustrated and tired!! I bet there are people on this board that can relate. You aren't being punished "for doing things right" (p.s. i don't believe there really is a right way 
), BUT you did chose a path that requires a lot of up front hard work with a BIG payoff in the end. The waiting game just sucks as usual!!
@Puggy: Maybe it's just because it seems like so many people are making the brash decisions lately, and while I'm sure it isn't easy or ideal, things work out. It's not like they end up in a pit of misery. I know J and I are buildng a strong foundation and getting our ducks in a row, but it is so hard to watch other people who don't have ANYTHING in order at least know that they have their marriage.
Any ideas on what I should say to him when he gets home? I'm thinking I might follow your lead, ToasterCat, and just tell him that I have so many dreams for us and I get upset that our dreams are on hold while other people in far less stable circumstances are starting their lives...ugh.
@frustratedbird. I don't know about the other people you are comparing yourself to, but this couple at least seems to be in a horrible situation. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to live together or support yourself financially, even without a baby in the picture? In that situation, a baby is an extra difficulty, not a "bundle of joy", no matter how excited they seem to be about it now.
@Girlwitharing: They are in a horrible situation. I think that's what frustrates me even more! They have no money, they live with their parents( and they're 26-27) , with no college education, and yet, they're going to have a family..and all I'll have is a Juris Doctor. I know that sounds stupid but it is incredibly frustrating that they're starting a family while J and I are just making plans. (Once again , though, I do not do not do not want a baby. I just want to start our life together for real.)
I understand what you mean. It's not the ideal situation and they are probably afraid and excited at the same time. I know how you feel about just being the girlfriend too.
I feel the same way!
Don't add turning 29 this year into the mix or I'll go into another tail spin!LMAO
I know EXACTLY where your coming from. My man even talks about wedding stuff constantly which makes it even harder. Just know when your time comes you will be so much better off then most of those people you know.
@TheRen: Thanks. I know that it'll be worth it in the end, but it's just so hard that those people don't have to wait and we do. How do you handle it?
dont worry ... your time will come ... we got school done, started our careers, saved money and just waited while all our friends are on their 2nd or even 3rd kids and we're both just 24!
out of the blue, my fi felt he was ready and now we're engaged!! be patient and while you wait, you can take advantage of the hive and start collecting ideas!
best wishes!
I just try and think of the end result and how worth it is it. There are times I get very frustrated.. I think a couple of night I have cried myself to sleep. I just try and stay positive and think that all of this will be laughable once we are engaged. Feel free to PM me btw if you ever need a listening ear because I feel your pain!
I think that your frustration is really starting to show in your relationship! So I think you just need to just let him know why you are frustrated.
Although your SO's friend is not in an ideal situation to be in...its not exactly "horrible" I dont think...sometimes...$hit happens and you just have to make the best of the situation that you have. You are on the right track...for you...and your SO...but that is not necessarily everyone else's right track if that makes sense.
@Ms. Teddy: It is starting to show for sure! And what stinks is that I have been totally fine lately...J talked about asking my mom for permission again yesterday and his LSAT scores are coming soon, so we'll finally be able to nail down some things regarding our futures.
Today's news really caught me off guard more than anything else, I think. That and I hadn't had anything to eat...and I get extremely grouchy when I'm hungry like that. It was a very snide thing to say, but the sentiment behind it stands.
As far as his friend's situation goes...maybe horrible is the wrong word, but it definitely is not idea in any capacity...and it upset me to think that his friend was excited about it, in spite of all the many negative circumstances. I really want to be excited about my situation too( I have a man who loves me and am working towards a great career, have wonderful friends, etc.) but I get so down sometimes.
I don't think what they're doing is starting a family...it's not a family, it's an accidental pregnancy between two people who are not a family in the first place. And again, you don't know that his friend is excited - just because he says he is doesn't mean it. You never know what goes on privately between them and their families, and I think you can imagine what's going on in that situation. Who's going to support the child? Where will they live? I'm sure that figuring these hard questions out will overwhelm any joy they might get.
I'm not trying to be harsh to his friend, but I've felt this way before, and you have to remind yourself what the reality is. It's like someone who can't drive buying a car. Yeah, they have one and you don't. But they're not going to get much joy out of it, so no need to be jealous.
First of all, let me say to the baby out of wedlock is terrible comment. I take offence to that. There is no law about in which order things need to progress. I am a fellow bee that was pregnant out of wedlock. Sadly, we lost our baby. But I'm proud to say we are trying again, and no we are not yet married.
As for the friend who's having a baby, you can't cannonize someone who is excited about having a child. Until you yourself have a baby, you have no idea how it feels to be an expectant mother or father.
I do have to say, I know how easy it is to be envious of other peoples situations. When your time is right, it will happen for you. To push it any faster may end in disaster. I'm sure once you appologize, and explain why you feel how you do, I'm sure your SO will understand.
@Miss Pomeranian: I apologize if anything I said offended you. I don't think that simply the baby being born out of wedlock is why I think it's a bad situation-- rather, it's that that are not in a stable or committed relationship, have no education, both work part-time at low earning jobs with no aspiration or possibility of advancement, live with their parents and are nearing 30....etc. It's that nothing at all is ideal or showing any hope of getting better that makes me think the situation is terrible.
I appologize for not wording that better. It wasn't your comment I was refering to, it was another bee's. I can totally understand your reasoning for getting upset, and the emotions behind it.
You have every right to say how your feeling here, just as much as we all do.
I just think people should watch how the voice their opinions, as what was said (and not by you) could indeed be very offencive to a lot of us here who are parents out of wedlock. So, in saying this, I wish you the best of luck, and can't wait to here when you graduate the waiting boards!
@Girlwitharing: Thank you for the awesome advice...and the analogy!
J and I talked a minute ago...I did apologize for what I said to him and told him that I'm just frustrated at seeing other people move forward...etc. He said that if I were to get pregnant(NOT going to happen, but, speaking hypothetically) that yes, of course we would make it work, but wouldn't I rather start our life out right, without all the added stress that a baby and no money brings?
Well, of course I would. But I did stand up for myself and say that all the talk about us moving for law school, etc. was putting me in an awkward position because it's trying to plan "our life" when there is no "our life". I told him that I didn't want to put the cart before the horse. He seemed a little sad and took that to mean that I wasn't as committed, but I told him that no, I just see commitment differently than he does. I really don't understand why men don't see that there s no substitute for engagement when it comes to commitment(in my opinion)-- nothing(except marriage, of course) is as much a commitment as that.
I hate how insecure I am and how scared I get that he's never going to propose, even though, as he pointed out and I am fully aware, I have no reason to feel that way .
The conversation ended with him telling me again that yes, he plans to marry me.
Thank you so much for your advice and support, bees!
I found this older post, but just wanted to comment.
It is difficult when people are doing things you were taught not to do- or things you don't value, and seemingly getting rewarded for it in some way. FI's parents actually value having children- out of wedlock- at any time. Age 14 and beyond. Needless to say, it was very hard for me that they did not value my education, success, values, morals. I just wanted to say that I know how you feel, and that I think things will work out for us in the long run. To make matters worse, however, I recently found out my first boyfriend, one I thought I would marry- has a baby, out of wedlock, with someone -and it didn't happen that long after we were together. I know I shouldn't care- because I have wonderful FI, but it still disturbs me. I feel like someone moved in right after me and trapped him so he can't get away. Also, my best friend recently had a baby (with her husband of 5 years) so that she wouldn't have to work. It is hard seeing kids born for interesting reasons, and I have known women who have planned pregnancies for terrible reasons. But we gotta stay strong @fraustratedbird- things will work out for us.
Frustrated Bird:
Don't feel bad. I'm cashiering at a grocery store and working in a dirty warehouse job, one year after graduating from college, and still haven't been able to find a decent job. My fiance and I have, after having gotten engaged in December 2008, still not been able to set a date because we wouldn't be able to support a child, should it result from a marriage union. We, because of our personal morals, won't have sex until we're married. Wow. I'm so glad that others have felt the same way as I have; I see so many unmarried people come through with their unruly spawn and pay for ridiculously exorbitant foods (steaks, expensive chocolates--one guy got mad because the government wouldn't buy his BEER) with their government-issued food stamps; the injustice of if makes me want to scream sometimes. Yet. Are they truly happy? ... They will never, never, NEVER be able to get away from their responsibilities as parents. They always look unhappy. They are stuck. Hopeless. Trapped. People like us make choices to create the futures that we want, and although things don't always work out the way we like or expect, we are guaranteed to be better off than people who don't consider the future. 10 years down the road, we will be financially more well-off, less stressed, and have more doors open than those who have hemmed themselves in through...yeah, I'll say it...stupidity. It's a present-day investment for a suh-weet future payoff. AND I'm 27 years old, gonna be 28 in June. So I know what it feels like to be surrounded by folks my age who are much "farther along" in life. Don't worry, Bird. You're not alone. And I'm really glad to be becoming increasingly aware that I'm not, either.
And, I don't think they are moving forward with their lives, more like taking a few steps back. There is nothing glamorous about it. I think it's best to wait...
I don't think its very nice to bash these other peoples situation to make someone else feel better about theirs. Who made the rules? and who says every one has to live by them or that everyone's happiness is based off of them? College degree, marriage then children, it sounds ideal but not everyone who plays by those rules are happy. I know people who want the "American Dream" don't even marry for the right reasons, or marry because it looks good to society. People need to stop being so judgemental. Maybe these people are truly happy with each other, love each other and having a baby with each other brings them great joy despite the fact that they don't have the glorious jobs that other people think they should have. You can't judge your life based on what someone else is doing. Be happy and grateful for where you are, everyone has a different path Frustratedbird be humble and your blessings will come. And for all those bashing unmarried parents take a look at your own life because if you can't be judge on having a child out of wedlock you probably can be judged on something else and if you are wondering I am 26 years old, college educated starting on my Masters in the fall and I have two children (the first unplanned and the second was planned) My wedding is in August, my fiance (who has two degrees and working on his third) both believe that marriage is a mental commitment and we chose not to rush because the wedding is just the formal celebration with family and friends GOD knows our hearts.
Well said TyeJRN. I was on birth control and had an unplanned child and did marry his father after he was born. We are now divorced. I am about to marry my soulmate and plan on having more children. Having a child is a blessing and I have never been so happy since my son was born. Of course we have gone through difficult times, but that doesn't determine whether or not we are happy. Sometimes unexpected things happen and you have to make the best of it rather than wallow in sadness because things didn't go according to plan. So why shouldn't the couple be happy to expect their child?
No one can judge another person. Everyone would do well to keep that in mind. Don't worry about what others are doing with their life. And if you don't have children, you have no idea what it's like, don't kid yourself. Wait until you get there. Mother's are usually sympathetic to each other because they understand. People without kids are sometimes more judgemental.
If you are not happy with your situation, do something to change it. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Wow...this post has generated a lot of really thoughtful comments.
I should've updated this awhile ago though. A little while after I posted this, another man approached J's friend to tell him that the baby was actually his, not the friend's, and that the girl had been cheating with him the entire time the friend had been dating her. So....
So....it still sounds like you are giving a little bit too much thought and emotion into someone else's situation and what happened is really unfortunate for your fiance's friend. I'm just saying you can't go around wanting peoples blessings or what you perceive to be their blessings because you feel like you deserve them more. I'm at a point in my life where I want to buy a house so bad I can taste it, and it seems like every time I turn around one of my friends or coworkers have purchased a new home but I'm not upset I'm truly happy for them because I know when the time is right I will be able to purchase my dream home I just have to keep working towards my goal.
@TyeJRN: Actually, I was just giving an update to let the other bees who had read about this know that the situation no longer existed. It doesn't matter to me at all.
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But I did.
I came home and J told me that one of his friends is having a baby with his new gilrlfriend...both of them work part tme at the grocery story and live separately with their parents. And..yet...J said that his friend was excited about it.
This upset me, because I feel like everyone is moving forward with their lives except us. I know we're making plans and trying to get our careers on track, but we're not engaged yet, we don't have kids(but neither of us wants them right now) and it frustrates me so much because people whose lives are so much less ideal than ours are having babies and getting engaged and I feel like I'm being punished for playing by the rules and getting our educations and careers established so we can have a good life.
And I got upset and asked J why his friend was excited but if I turned up pregnant, that J wouldn't be. Aaaaand he got really upset and said that what I said as out of line, and that it wasn't fair of me to say that to him. Then he went to work. He did kiss me goodbye before he left, but he is not happy with me right now. I feel bad but I am so tired of watching everyone else move forward while we stand still.