Probably the weirdest wedding situation EVER. Anyone else in my boat??

posted 1 year ago in Legal
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Depending on what state you are in, presenting as being married actually makes you common-law husband and wife. I’d look into that for the state you live in. You may find yourselves legally bound even though you don’t want to be.

I’d say the other thing i’d do is, if you have joint retirement savings, or ever buy a house together, etc etc is to have legal agreements drawn up that dictate what happens to that $$$ in case of a breakup. Since you don’t have marriage laws to help with the division of assets, i’d really recommend that you do that with a lawyer.

Oh, and you’ll have to go to court to legally change your name without getting legally married. So, more $$$ there.

Honestly, a DIY divorce costs about $500. I’d rather have the legal protection and not have to pay for contracts/lawyers every time we purchase a home, open new retirement accounts, etc. Plus, if you aren’t legally family, hosiptals won’t tell you what’s going on or give you input into care. There’s a lot of legal benefits you may not have considered. Marriage isn’t a “piece of paper” to me – it’s a legal status that affords many benefits (above and beyond the financial ones)

Member
6299 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Not really in a similar situation, but just wanted to say one thing: even though things are fine now, I’d worry a little bit more about when the “in sickness” part comes around There neeeds to be some sort of protection for the two of you when dealing with things like end of life decisions, estates, being able to make legal ageements for one another, etc. I am not sure whether these things can be accomplished without being married, but judging by some stories I’ve heard about gay widows and widowers being denied these rights with regard to their partners, even when they had been together for decades, I would guess these aren’t conferred automatically when you’re in a common-law-type situation.

Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@lochnessy:  I’m a little confused… are you getting married? You said he proposed & you’re having a huge wedding… but that its $18k & “faux”.

Member
6025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

It costs money to chang your name … either with the ceremony or with out it.  Why not just wait… have the wedding and change your name then. 

Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think something might be missing from your post. Are you actually getting married? Or only having a party?

Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@crayfish:  +1

Also, I am totally lost on why you are having a “wedding” if you are not being married. Does everyone else know it is “faux”?

Member
4487 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 1966

Getting married or not shouldn’t be about the financial perks.

Are you actually telling guests that it isn’t a wedding? Personally I wouldn’t attend unless it was called a committment ceremony.

Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

i’m confused also. are you having a “pretend” wedding?

Member
3009 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lochnessy:  Marriage is all those things, but here in America it’s also very much a legal thing. Saying it’s “just a piece of paper” devalues the fact that at one point, blacks and whites weren’t legally allowed to get married. Gay people still aren’t fully legally allowed to get married throughout our country. The legality of marriage is very much a strong point of WHY the bond is important and why so many people are fighting for LEGAL marriage equality.

 

I have so many thoughts for how to go about answering your questions but I think I’ll just be rambling if I go any further… so, don’t have a “faux” wedding and not tell your guests it isn’t real. Either get married and have the wedding, or have the big party and call it a commitment ceremony or something. 

Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I honestly don’t care if you want to spend $18k on a party (and I should hope that is enough for a great big party since that exceeds many wedding budgets and even incomes!). I also don’t believe marriage is necessary for a commitment, even a lifelong one. I grew up in a home like that. I am well aware if the history of marriage, too.

What I want to know is are you pretending it is a legal wedding aka do your guests know? I am guessing not. Or else it would be called a “celebration of our life together” and not a “huge wedding” as you both always wanted. Because to some people who may be attending to celebrate and support a legal marriage that distinction IS important. 

Member
1867 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why sign the piece of paper? 

For the ability to make medical decisions for each other. So that we are each others legal heirs in case one of us dies without a will. For survivor’s benefits if one of us predeceases the other. To make the name change process easier. So we can file taxes jointly. So we are each protected if our financial situation changes between marriage and (knock on wood, God forbid) divorce. So that he is legally presumed to be the father of any children we have together. To make it easier to buy a house together or make other large financial decisions together. So I could visit him in the hospital if he is sick. And so that I can call him my husband, and be his wife. 

Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My fiance and I already have most of the same “perks” you do, but we are missing one that we want… visitation rights and end-of-life decisions! Courts can override any drawn-up agreements if the parents or siblings contest them. Also, the ability to inherit anything belonging to the other without estate tax. Yeah, it probably won’t come into play for a long time, but you never know! There are also some nitpicky things like not being called to testify against one’s spouse in court that I imagine I’ll never have to deal with, but want there just in case, because that’s part of what my interpretation of marriage is.

And be careful if you ever move to a state that recognizes common law marriage, because if you become common-law married in that state you will still have to get a real divorce if you separate. Shouldn’t be a problem if you continue living in Missouri though.

In the end though I think it’s silly to call it “marriage” if it’s neither legal nor religious. That’s not marriage – it’s a partnership. I wouldn’t call him your husband, but your life partner. It just seems very silly to me.

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