Post # 1
I am having a huge fight with my father about inviting his sister (my aunt) to our wedding. She is just so toxic, spreads rumors about me, my brother and my mom. Her husband called my mom a B word sometime ago and they said that my father should have married a Jew and had kids who are Jewish (my mom is not Jewish but my father is). When I was helping my grandmother (my dad’s mom) before she died, my aunt started spreading rumors that I did not do anything and her daughter (my cousin) did everything for the grandma. My father was always attached to his sister, to the point that it became an unhealthy relationship. He never saw her doing anything wrong and when we tried to tell him, he would get defensive and blame us. About a year ago, when my grandmother died, my aunt went to the bank and cleaned all of my grandma’s banking accounts and deposit box (unfortunately, my grandma did not have a will but orally told that everything would be divided between her kids). When my father approached her, she got defensive, told him to F Off and cursed our family. They have not spoken since then and she never apologized. My father however wants me to invite her to our wedding because hhe is worried about what the rest of the family will think. When I said no, he gave me an ultimatum that either I invite her or he is not coming. To make things worse, my father was recently diagnosed with cancer. He said that if I don’t invite her, he would not need my help with the doctors anymore – meaning that he would give up on his treatment. Is this normal? Am I wrong for standing my ground and not wanting her at our wedding?
My question to you is – do I stand my ground and say no? or do I invite her to appease him?? If I invite her, what can I do to avoid an incident or drama at my wedding?
Thank you for all your advice.
Post # 3
Yikes. Your father needs to get his priorities straight. Normally I would say you should stand your ground and not invite her. Basically call your father’s bluff. And if he chooses to pick his horrible sister over you then that’s his loss. BUT… the cancer treatment issue makes this a lot more complicated. If you trule believe he would completely stop treatment just to spite you I think I would give in. I don’t condone his threats at all but if he did stop treatment and passed on.. you would carry a lot of guilt and I would hate that for you.
Post # 4
Your wedding is not the best place for him to try to reconcile with his sister. I would say that, because of the extenuating circumstances you mentioned, I would try to compromise with him. Tell him that you are afraid of drama at the wedding, but if he really wants her there, he needs to try to set up this reconciliation before the invitations go out. IF he is able to meet with her BEFORE the invitations go out, talk things out with her, and he feels good about the relationship, you will consider inviting her. But as things stand at the moment with her not speaking to the family, it wouldn’t be right to invite her. That way this puts the impetus on to him. He needs to do the work of reconciliation himself, he can’t try to get you to use your wedding to do it for him. Plus then if she refuses to meet with him now, you can say “Dad, why should we invite her if she won’t even agree to meet with you?”
I know this is a difficult situation, but I just think it might be worth it to try to consider a compromise for your dad’s sake. However, if she rejects his overtures to reconciliation, and she refuses to admit to him that the way she handled your g-ma’s death was inappropriate, then hopefully he will realize that it is unfortunately a lost cause 🙁
Post # 5
You should request that your father reconcil with her and then you can have dinner together. If that happens (which it most likely won’t), then invite her. Put the responsability on him though.
Post # 6
You father is being immature. Tell him you love him but that you love your siblings, your grandmother, and him MORE than her and that you cannot for the good of the family invite her.
Post # 7
If your father chooses to stop his cancer treatments, it is in NO way your fault at all. SHAME on him for putting you in a guilt-ridden situation like that! It sounds like he is being immature and passive-aggressive.
My fiance wanted someone invited to the wedding who I thought would be a bad idea. We made a compromise that we’d invite him to come out with us and if he showed up sober and put together, we’d invite him to the wedding. It worked for us, and we were able to invite the friend. Maybe you can ask your father to attempt to extend a white flag on his own and see where it goes from there.
Post # 8
Your father is using emotional blackmail. If you can, tell him that you only want people at your wedding who love and support you and your family. This aunt does neither. She has proven that with lies and theft.
I’m sorry your father is fighting cancer, but if he uses your wedding invitation as a bartering tool, that is just not fair and probably won’t help. He needs to reconcile with his sister on his own–an invitation isn’t going to bridge that gap. If your father chooses to end his treatment, that is his choice and has nothing to do with you.
My advice is that you stand your ground. If she is invited, there is no sure way to make sure there is no incident or drama.
Post # 9
tough situation. but i always feel that family should be invited and no matter what the circumstances. whether she shows or not is a different story. but if it means that much to your dad, if it were me id just invite her. you probably wont even notice she’s there!
Post # 10
I invited my psycho aunt and she did just as I thought. She rallied the family against me because we didn’t get to their table (there were 19 tables and I had to eat so we ran out of time) and instead of coming up to us like normal people, they went outside, talked illfully of me and took back their presents. She even brought a blank card to fill it out pending how the night went. Needless to say, it was a nasty card.
Don’t invite her!! They never change.
Post # 11
That’s really awful! I agree with the pp that if you want to find a compromise, then requiring a reconciliation before an invite is a good way to go about it.
Also, Champagne Wishes: she actually brought a blank card? That is crazy!
Post # 11
Poor you, your dad’s being totally unfair. Is he bluffing, do you think?
If you do give in and invite her, is there anyone going who can put manners on her? Or can you ask your planner to chuck her out if she starts upsetting people?!
It’s your wedding, and you’re entitled to not have nasty people at it.
BUT, if your dad’s not bluffing, then I’d invite her, and if possible someone who can calm her down. Or, could you get someone to slip some kind of a sedative into her drink?!
I’m not really messing on that last one!!
Post # 12
Thank you everyone for the support and advice! I really appreciate it – I felt very alone dealing with this situation – my fiancee supports me with whatever I decide to do but it’s not his family so he can’t really get too involved. Your input is very helpful!!! And it helps to hear that other people have/had similar problems, makes me feel sane and normal again…
Aunt Pol – love the idea of sedative! I wish I could 🙂
Post # 13
Hey, surely someone’s got some sleeping tablets or something
Post # 14
… yeah, can’t make this stuff up!! I agree with Aunt Pol… haha!! That slip it in her white zin!
Post # 15
Oh dear, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. The harsh reality however, is that your aunt is manipulating, and has manipulated your family for years now, and unfortunately, instead of realizing this, your dad is manipulating you too. I am going through a similar experience. It’s hard to hear ultimatum’s from parents. But the best you can do is hope he will change his mind. I think you need to talk to your dad and let him know how important it is to be surrounded by people who love and support you on the day of your wedding. Given her track record, your aunt is not one of them. Your dad, however, is your dad. And express to him how much it means for him not only to be in your wedding, but your life. I think dad is just trying to scare you to see if it works. Although it sounds cold, say to your dad, your decisions are your decisions. You should not feel guilty for any of this. Stand your ground. You have done nothing wrong. This is your wedding, and most importantly your life. Don’t let your aunt, or dad control you through manipulation.
thiinking of you!