Problems in the bedroom

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
385 posts
Helper bee

I was in a similar situation once and I had to break it up because of that, because the guy was not open to any alternatives. I was feeling exactly like you do – all the attraction and love I initially felt was gone. So, honestly: yes, if you are sexually incompatible, the only way to resolve the problem is to break up – otherwise, everyone is miserable, as is clear from your post. On the other hand, your guy is looking into treatment, which is a positive signal. Maybe in the meantime, he can try satisfying you in other ways?

Post # 3
Member
4894 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Is he using diy treatments or has he actually sought medical tratment?  The good news is, sexual problems tend to be quite amenable th therapy.

I’d start with a complete physical exam.

Post # 4
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Sex is really important to me. To some people it is, to some people it’s not. It sounds like you’re in the former category as well. A little mismatch (one partner having slightly high libido than the other, one taking the initiative more often) is pretty common, but you should be willing to make reasonable accommodations for each other. In his case, that sounds like him – he needs to talk to a doctor about actual medical options. Luckily, there are plenty out there, and if he’s willing to experiment around, he should be able to find something that works. You, also, might need to adjust your expectations slightly (unfortunately.) That does not mean changing who you are sexually or getting used to not finding pleasure; more like, maybe if you want to have sex 6 nights a week it might only happen 4 times, or changing who takes the initiative sometimes. Stuff like that.

Another option: does all sex NEED to be PIV penetration for you to enjoy it? On days when his erection fails, there are plenty of other ways to be fulfilled. He can use his hands, mouth, or a toy. All those things can be fun experiments as well 😉

If he’s not willing to try and change the situation AND sex is very important to your partnership (which is reasonable), then it might not be a relationship worth continuing. Neither of you will be happy in the long term. Hopefully he’s willing to make at least a little effort!

Post # 5
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

crzyorchid:  

Sex is more important than people care to admit. I couldn’t marry a man if we did not have a strong sexual connection. I had many partners before my husband and he was my best lover. 

ED can be very hard for a woman to handle, especially if your partner is not taking steps to overcome it such as exercise, pills and hormone replacement. My husband had ED for a very short time. He immediately went to see the doctor, who sent my hubby to a lab for bloodwork. The good doctor also told my husband that he thought my hubby’s ED was psychological but he still wrote my husband a prescription for Cialis. My husband only used half a pill twice and then he didn’t need Cialis anymore. 

My husband is 40 while I am 32. I have always had a preference for older men and I have seen ED in the past. I didn’t think that ED would become an issue for at least another five years, but my husband is not the first 40 year old I have been with who had that problem. 

Nobody can tell you whether or not sex is worth ending a good relationship over. We all prioritize different things when looking for a mate and if sex is important to you, I would advise you to think twice about this marriage. 

Post # 6
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. It sounds like he is trying, but you don’t seem to want to meet him halfway. I don’t have a good feeling about this situation in the long run.

Post # 7
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

MsW-to-MrsM:  I have the same feeling. 

OP, are you sure it’s just the sex that’s causing you to hesitate? ED can be treated, but your FI doesn’t sound like the lusty type you were used to and maybe still long for, and that won’t necessarily change even if the ED is sorted out.  I’d give it a long long think before marrying him.

Post # 8
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you could both stand to use some sex therapy. No judgement here, sounds like a tough issue to try and work through,  and I can understand the feeling of let down and disappointment. 

Since I am not your SO and can only guess, it sounds like he knows you feel these things towards him, and it causes an enormous amount of pressure to try and perform. Couple that with with a medical condition and hurt pride, and yeah– I can see why y’all aren’t getting anywhere. Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he saw you as unfeminine and sweaty? I’m sure that wouldn’t make you feel to good about it, either. Not saying you’re wrong for having those feelings, just that this sounds more psychological than physical ( for both of you) and if you are open to seeing a sex therapist, I would recommend it.

People aren’t stupid, if you’ve ever had sex with someone who isn’t into it or just going through the motions– you can tell. Do both of you a favor and be open to the idea of both of you seeking treatment since this issue is both of yours to resolve. 

Post # 10
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

crzyorchid:  

I would like to add that for some women, intercourse brings a certain kind of fullfillment that petting or oral cannot. That is how I approach lovemaking. There is a sense of completion and bonding that can only come from having my husband’s member inside me. 

You can say that the pressure of your fiance’s ED is stressful for you, which makes it harder for you to be interested in lovemaking. That way, you aren’t being too harsh and you are making statements only about your own feelings. 

I’m a bit confused…in one breath you say that sex isn’t a dealbreaker. However, you also say that you want a friend and a lover. You are also willing to see a counselor about this issue, which shows that it bothers you a great deal. Is sex a big issue for you or not? 

Post # 12
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Bad sex would be a deal-breaker for me.

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

crzyorchid:  

Who cares if your fiance thinks it is shallow to leave a man over ED? Men leave women all the time for shallow reasons and nobody says anything about it. You are within your rights to leave if this becomes too much for you. Nobody should make you feel bad about your preferences. 

I can understand not wanting sex to be a lot of work. Though I have handled ED in the past very well, it was still very frustrating for me. 

Seeing a counselor is a great idea, as well as being gently honest with your fiance. 

Post # 15
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

I think you two should go to a sex therapist.  Like, now.

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