Post # 1
If you had a great relationship and friendship but there were issues in the bedroom, would it be a dealbreaker? I’m engaged to be married for the first time at 37. My fiance is 44 but was married before for 8 years, then single for another 8 before he met me and did not have sex with anyone in that time. (None of us have kids. I think we are late to settle in L.A. ha ha) My fiance is attractive though not my typical type. We had a good rapport right off and it’s just easy (mostly) for us to just be together. Our major issue is sex. At first we had some spark and passion though not what I was used to as I was dating and/or hooking up with younger more virile types before him. He didn’t quite have the initiative or stamina that I was used to. He has never been a play boy or really played the dating game and wasn’t hooking up and playing the field much. At first the sex situation wasn’t that bad, but soon his problem became the rule rather than the exception. He has trouble maintaining his erection. He gets it up but then we start and it deflates. Again and again. I have been kind, I have been patient. I finally got him to see a doctor and among other things low testosterone seems to be a problem. So I try not to blame him for what he can’t help. He’s starting to look for treatment and will probably try hormone replacement and ED prescriptions. But the whole situation turns me off and I can’t help it. I started avoiding even getting intimate with him because I knew that we would just get started and then I would be disappointed. And now he’s mad at me saying that I don’t respond to him or touch him but I’m just not interested in getting going if we aren’t going to finish. Rolling around naked for hours waiting for an erection is not my cup of tea. Stop. Start. Stop. Start. Plus he’s become a bit more out of shape and winds and sweats easily which also turns me off. That sounds bad but it’s true. This is the only thing that makes me have doubts about my impending marriage. Due to logistics we only really see each other once or twice a week, so it is more frustrating that we can’t even get it right when we don’t see each other every day. When we do see each other, I have been less intimate and we have been more friend than lover. Now he’s blaming me that I’m turning him away and not wanting to be intimate but it’s exhausting to have to work so hard just to f***. Sex is really not the most important part of a marriage and I’ve been through enough experience in the dating world to know that the grass is not always greener. Men after 40 tend to have more problems and if we were married at 25 I’d think it was a part of the process and we would naturally wane down in that department. But I’m still a first time bride! And I’m in my late 30’s, sexual prime. I want to have the hot newlywed sex and passion and it just doesn’t seem to be a possibility for us. What would you do? Would lackluster sex, whether by lack of sexual compatibility or just medical/hormonal reasons out of his control be a dealbreaker? I am scared to commit to a life of disappointment in bed (not that I’m a sex fiend, just normal sex where you can make it through intercourse). I don’t know what to do. Now we have two problems. If we get to bed, he can’t perform. Then the issue that most the time I don’t even want to go there because it’s such a disappointment so I rebuff him. I can’t change that his situation turns me off and makes me less want to do it (with him) and he can’t change that he has issues in that department without pharmaceutical intervention. I just don’t see him as a studly, virile passionate lover and I miss that aspect of my previous lovers. I just wish all the pieces were there but the rational part tells me that I can’t have everything. I had good lovers who were not good dudes or who otherwise wouldn’t make a good partner. I have a good man. We could have a good life. But at this point I’d rather not even try to have sex as it hasn’t been working out for us. Vicious circle. We are both frustrated. It really is making me have doubts. Would you end a good relationship because of issues in the sex department?
This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by crzyorchid.
Post # 2
I was in a similar situation once and I had to break it up because of that, because the guy was not open to any alternatives. I was feeling exactly like you do – all the attraction and love I initially felt was gone. So, honestly: yes, if you are sexually incompatible, the only way to resolve the problem is to break up – otherwise, everyone is miserable, as is clear from your post. On the other hand, your guy is looking into treatment, which is a positive signal. Maybe in the meantime, he can try satisfying you in other ways?
Post # 3
Is he using diy treatments or has he actually sought medical tratment? The good news is, sexual problems tend to be quite amenable th therapy.
I’d start with a complete physical exam.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Sex is really important to me. To some people it is, to some people it’s not. It sounds like you’re in the former category as well. A little mismatch (one partner having slightly high libido than the other, one taking the initiative more often) is pretty common, but you should be willing to make reasonable accommodations for each other. In his case, that sounds like him – he needs to talk to a doctor about actual medical options. Luckily, there are plenty out there, and if he’s willing to experiment around, he should be able to find something that works. You, also, might need to adjust your expectations slightly (unfortunately.) That does not mean changing who you are sexually or getting used to not finding pleasure; more like, maybe if you want to have sex 6 nights a week it might only happen 4 times, or changing who takes the initiative sometimes. Stuff like that.
Another option: does all sex NEED to be PIV penetration for you to enjoy it? On days when his erection fails, there are plenty of other ways to be fulfilled. He can use his hands, mouth, or a toy. All those things can be fun experiments as well 😉
If he’s not willing to try and change the situation AND sex is very important to your partnership (which is reasonable), then it might not be a relationship worth continuing. Neither of you will be happy in the long term. Hopefully he’s willing to make at least a little effort!
Post # 5
Sex is more important than people care to admit. I couldn’t marry a man if we did not have a strong sexual connection. I had many partners before my husband and he was my best lover.
ED can be very hard for a woman to handle, especially if your partner is not taking steps to overcome it such as exercise, pills and hormone replacement. My husband had ED for a very short time. He immediately went to see the doctor, who sent my hubby to a lab for bloodwork. The good doctor also told my husband that he thought my hubby’s ED was psychological but he still wrote my husband a prescription for Cialis. My husband only used half a pill twice and then he didn’t need Cialis anymore.
My husband is 40 while I am 32. I have always had a preference for older men and I have seen ED in the past. I didn’t think that ED would become an issue for at least another five years, but my husband is not the first 40 year old I have been with who had that problem.
Nobody can tell you whether or not sex is worth ending a good relationship over. We all prioritize different things when looking for a mate and if sex is important to you, I would advise you to think twice about this marriage.
Post # 6
It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. It sounds like he is trying, but you don’t seem to want to meet him halfway. I don’t have a good feeling about this situation in the long run.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
MsW-to-MrsM: I have the same feeling.
OP, are you sure it’s just the sex that’s causing you to hesitate? ED can be treated, but your FI doesn’t sound like the lusty type you were used to and maybe still long for, and that won’t necessarily change even if the ED is sorted out. I’d give it a long long think before marrying him.
Post # 8
I think you could both stand to use some sex therapy. No judgement here, sounds like a tough issue to try and work through, and I can understand the feeling of let down and disappointment.
Since I am not your SO and can only guess, it sounds like he knows you feel these things towards him, and it causes an enormous amount of pressure to try and perform. Couple that with with a medical condition and hurt pride, and yeah– I can see why y’all aren’t getting anywhere. Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he saw you as unfeminine and sweaty? I’m sure that wouldn’t make you feel to good about it, either. Not saying you’re wrong for having those feelings, just that this sounds more psychological than physical ( for both of you) and if you are open to seeing a sex therapist, I would recommend it.
People aren’t stupid, if you’ve ever had sex with someone who isn’t into it or just going through the motions– you can tell. Do both of you a favor and be open to the idea of both of you seeking treatment since this issue is both of yours to resolve.
Post # 9
Yeah, I admit that I’m not meeting him half way now. He does try really hard and he wants to please me. I don’t want a lot of sex or crazy sex. If I get started, I want to finish though and lately I don’t want to get started because it’s so much work. I just didn’t count on it being so much work just to make love. I have never thrown it in his face or been mean. I know the more times that he can’t perform, the more it psychologically wears on him and then the anxiety makes it happen more. At least he does still want to do it, many men with ED just give up trying. I just can’t help it that his lack of virility and stamina does turn me off. He did finally get a complete work up after me telling him that it’s usually a symptom of something else. I didn’t want them just to give him a bandaid like viagra and send him on his way.(He has tried other supplements or pills, but they don’t always work or they get it to work but he can’t ejaculate so that’s hard, too). At least now that he had his physical we have something to work with since we know his testosterone is low and hormone replacement will help if he uses it. Attraction is hormonal, too so I imagine that since I’m attracted to men, if his testosterone is so low that diminishes my animalistic attraction towards him because some of the manly essence is gone. I hope the treatment will help. I do need to force myself to initiate and be more proactive to help get him going. I just haven’t really experienced this problem. I’m usually the one that needs the switch turned on to be horny and most men I was with before were more intense sexually and in turn brought it out of me. Sex isn’t a deal breaker for me. Making a life with someone and having a partnership is. We aren’t getting any younger. I’ve sown my wild oats but I would like a friend AND a lover. If sex isn’t frequent that’s fine, I just want to get it done to completion once in a while. Sometimes you don’t have time to be heavy petting and grinding and rolling around for hours. You just want to scratch that itch, you know? I think and he’s said as much, that if we live together then we can have more opportunities to do it when he is more aroused and it’s not a pressure of “date night sex”. If we have a big meal or he’s hot or whatever, it affects his ability to perform so we need more moments that are more casual and relaxed. I do want to see some sort of premarital counselor where we can talk about this in a safe environment. Because I DON’T want to hurt his self esteem it’s hard for me to tell him why I don’t want to be intimate. How do you say “maybe I would if your d*ck worked” in so many words. Yes there are other things you can do, but you don’t know how exhausting it is to rev the engine and get going and then he says he needs to stop and rest and then we try again, and the cycle continues. Both of us end up more frustrated than if we never tried at all.
Post # 10
I would like to add that for some women, intercourse brings a certain kind of fullfillment that petting or oral cannot. That is how I approach lovemaking. There is a sense of completion and bonding that can only come from having my husband’s member inside me.
You can say that the pressure of your fiance’s ED is stressful for you, which makes it harder for you to be interested in lovemaking. That way, you aren’t being too harsh and you are making statements only about your own feelings.
I’m a bit confused…in one breath you say that sex isn’t a dealbreaker. However, you also say that you want a friend and a lover. You are also willing to see a counselor about this issue, which shows that it bothers you a great deal. Is sex a big issue for you or not?
Post # 11
It’s not the most important thing. I don’t think I have a high libido or am very lusty myself. I just want to complete the act if we get there. I want to have some sex, but one poster was talking about mismatched libidos, neither of us want sex 6 times a week. Just when we do have it for it to be satisfying for us both and for it to reach completion. We have had gentle conversations about it and he has said that he thinks it’s shallow for a woman to break up with a man for ED. But it is not just affecting him, it affects us both. Like I said, I’d almost rather not have it at all then have it become such a negative experience because it’s just not working. I don’t want to be shallow but I just want to confirm that it is hard and it is something that affects a relationship. Sex is becoming a big issue because we can’t have it but in general it’s not a big issue. It’s hard to explain. I do want to have sex be a part of our relationship. But I don’t think we are so mismatched in sexuality and libido that it would be an issue at all if things were working. I just don’t want sex to be so much work and that’s hard for me.
Post # 12
Bad sex would be a deal-breaker for me.
Post # 13
Who cares if your fiance thinks it is shallow to leave a man over ED? Men leave women all the time for shallow reasons and nobody says anything about it. You are within your rights to leave if this becomes too much for you. Nobody should make you feel bad about your preferences.
I can understand not wanting sex to be a lot of work. Though I have handled ED in the past very well, it was still very frustrating for me.
Seeing a counselor is a great idea, as well as being gently honest with your fiance.
Post # 15
I think you two should go to a sex therapist. Like, now.