Post # 1
So I hate that my first post is going to be dramatic but I need advice. My fiancé and I have been in a long distance relationship (13 hours apart) for the last four years. When he finally proposed I was ecstatic and I still am, but I’ve just recently had issues with his mom. Because of the distance I’ve stayed at his parent’s house when visiting and she has always been extremely nice to me and made me feel welcome. I always felt that she liked me, and his whole family seemed very excited when we announced the engagement. She does, however, have a strong personality and likes things to be “just so.”
The problem started when we started discussing the wedding and who would pay for what, groomsmen attire and rehearsal dinner was decided to go to them. She then refused to get suits for anyone but her son, and said that there was no point in an expensive rehearsal dinner, even though I specifically said I didn’t want anything elaborate just the wedding party, and we should just rehearse right before the wedding even though we having an early wedding. She also referred to me as “the little princess” to my mother and stated that the wedding was much too large, and she didn’t understand why we even needed to have bridesmaids and groomsmen. On top of other things she also made seemingly degrading comments about what she assumed my financial status is, whether I would get a job, and many other things. I really felt that she was cutting me down and idk how to handle it or how to talk to my fiancé without seeming like I’m bashing his family or making a big deal out of nothing. it just really hurt me coming from a woman who has always been so nice. Am I over reacting?
Post # 2
Laiklynbug: The problem started when we started discussing the wedding and who would pay for what, groomsmen attire and rehearsal dinner was decided to go to them.Who was involved in the discussion and who made the decision that they would pay for groomsmen attire and the rehearsal dinner? If they did not agree with this, then you and your FI will have to pick up the costs.It is always nice when families want to help young couples with the expenses of a wedding, but it is by no means mandatory.
Post # 3
julies1949: it was his mother, me, and my mom. Originally I said she didn’t have to help, but she “wanted to do whatever she could.” she agreed with what we decided originally. I understand that it’s by no means mandatory, it wasjust the attitude about the whole ceremony that bothered me.
Post # 4
stop telling her details about the wedding if she’s not paying for anything. if she is, then you might need to suck it up.
Post # 5
purrrbaby: I’m ok with sucking it up about finances. I guess I was just more hurt by her attitude toward me
Post # 6
You aren’t overreacting. I have a FMIL that likes things to be a certain way and isn’t particularly fond of my “out of the box” ideas for the wedding. The best thing I’ve found is that I have an ally in one of my FI’s sisters who likes that I want to be different, I’d recommend finding an ally that isn’t your FI or your mom to get her to come around. We went a different route when it came to finances and that was pooling money given to us from both sets of our parents and the money from our own savings instead of having specific things. This way, if she makes a comment, you can say that it wasn’t money from her that went to a specific item if she doesn’t like it.
I’ve been honest with my FI about how I feel about his mom and that it doesn’t feel like she likes anything about me although she’ll seem polite and kind. Be truthful with your FI and tell him you feel frustrated because it seems as though his mom and you don’t agree on things, ask him where he stands on those aspects and as long as you two agree, she should butt out. Sometimes it can be a bit of a cultural difference (which is possible within the same country) where she doesn’t feel you need a bridal party where a bridal party is commonplace for you. On a side note, the name calling is extremely immature and I’d confront her about it. This is a woman who you will be seeing a lot of and is 1/4 of the people who will potentially be called “grandparent”. She needs to have respect for you just as you have respect for her.
Post # 7
Laiklynbug: You’re not overreacting by feeling a little hurt. I do think it’s important however that you find a way to talk to your FI about this. There will be MANY times in your marriage that you need to discuss things that may be uncomfortable or that one of you may get defensive about but it has to be done, there’s no way around it (trust me, i’ve seen what happens in a marriage when the couple avoids issues by not talking and it’s not good!)
Is there any way you guys can pay for these things yourselves? Even if you have to make a few adjustments to your original vision, I think it’s worth it to not have to deal with that sort of ‘input’ from extended family. It’s always tricky in these circumstances because no one really has to help you pay for wedding related things, so even if she’s changed her tune on what she wants to cover, there’s not a lot you can do about it. Her attitude towards you is a different matter though.
It’s important that if you geniunely believe she is being hurtful or overstepping the boundaries, you set a precedence early on and make it clear that you deserve to be treated with respect, and your FI needs to have your back on that. Butting heads or having different opinions is one thing, but if she’s being unnecessarily rude towards you, that’s something you guys should address.
Post # 8
I haven’t seen or talked to my father in 25 years. Last time I saw him was the day after my 1st wedding, which he paid for.
I’m in a long distance relationship with FI, he lives in another city about 3 hours away. When I got engaged to FI, one of the first things FFIL asked my FI (I wasn’t there) was if my father was going to pay for the wedding…which would be 100% my FI’s family…
And FI had already told him my family situation. FFIL has also made pretty judgemental remarks about my family, my childhood and upbringing. I don’t think he likes the fact that my family was wealthy, I was privately educated and went to Oxford. He and FMIL didn’t go to university, in fact FI was one of the first of his extended family to go to university.
Luckily, I’m 46 and the days where I cared about what a inlaw thought about me are more or less long over. I will admit, sometimes it does annoy me, but as at my age there isn’t going to be any children, I don’t have to have a particularly close relationship with them.
In your case I would mention to your FI that his mother’s comments and attitude hurt you. How he deals with that information is then up to him. His mother = his problem.
Post # 9
Despite paying for this and that she has no right to call you names. Even if she insisted on picking up the entire bill, in my HO if someone offers/insists to support you, that’s it. To support you, not to tell you Bridesmaids are not needed nor this or that. It’s not her wedding point blank.
Of course her opinion is valid (to some degree) as it’s her purse strings on some parts.
I would politely ask her if she’s still comfortable with helping out financialy because it sounds to me like she’s regretting her offer, which is why she’s axing at your bridesmaids/groomsmen, making comments about you being a “Princess” asking about your work ect…
Would FI would be willing to have a chat with her? x