- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Ok am i going crazy? I need someone to tell me their honest opinion of this situation.
I am sorry if this is going to be a mile long.
I was raised by my mother in europe and lived with her till aprox 13 then i moved around between my dad, my aunts, grandma until i moved to Canada when i turned 18. Been on my own since and worked hard to get where i am without having family here. I am 32 now and getting married in October.
My mother stayed back home. My father was here for a little bit until i learned of his alcohol problems and decided that it would be better for him to live back in europe where he has more family to help him rather then me at 24 working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet. He has been doing ok since and still lives there.
My mother has always been a materialistic person. Any money my father gave me growing up, she took. She was abusive to me and my half brother. To the point that he moved out before even reaching 18.
When me and my brother were growing up, there was barely any food in the house. She always used me to get money from my dad or grandma. She also treated me like a support group when things were not turning her way and she needed to vent or cry. I can’t even remember how many times she went to visit friends or whomever and left me in the car for 1, 2 or 3 hours waiting for her regardless of the season.
She remarried again. Bought a 3 bedroom condo, A house in the country, has land etc… One time she told me that all she has would be worth 2 million dollars.
Personally we never really got along. I found that I have always had anxiety issues due to the way she raised me. I am gratefull for what she did. But her abusive relationship with me and her husband had a big impact on me even now to adulthood. I even got caught in the middle between them when they were fighting and she pointed a gun at him.
Thats why i ran away as far as i could and would never want to go back. I can only get along with her at a distance.
When she ran into financial troubles few years back i offered to help pay taxes on the land that she claims she bought for me and my brother (but would never sign it to our names) just in case if we ever move back then we can build houses there. She always had a car and more modern things to show off to others.
Her marriage pretty much fell appart in the last 6 years as she is a hoarder and buys crap she doesn’t need, then she needs money and got herself in debt. Always borrows money from people and banks have already denied her any more. She is now in debt and trying to sell her land etc… but due to economy she is unable to get any offeres and because she won’t just give it up for anything (becasue i am sure you could get someon to take it at a cheaper price) She is pretty much being eaten by her posessions which she valued more then any real relationship she ever had… including her children.
Her husband lives in the basement and she upstairs, they don’t trust eachother and he wants nothing to do with her. She doens’t know why but i know its due to her materialistic, controlling self.
My brother doesn’t speak to her anymore.
She has been leaning on me a lot.
I invited her here 5 years ago for a visit. I paid for her ticket. She brought two full suitcases of junk (clothes etc… ) all for me but barely any clothes for herself to wear for a month. I had to spend money to buy her clothes. Also everytime we went shopping, she would see something she liked and asked if she could borrow money to buy it. I knew that i will never ask for that money back but jus let it be to make her happy. The first two weeks are ok but the second two were dragging as i needed her to go back home (i can get along with her only at a distance, she has a pushy personality It doens’t even feel right to me to hug her and it hasn’t felt right since I was a kid). She finally left with two suitcases full of stuff for her and I was left with a 6,000 debt.
In the last 5 years I have been sending her money sporadically and increasing my debt. I got to 20,000 in credit card debt. Not all due to her though but close to half. I also had a relationship where I renovated the house etc…. then ended up just leaving everything behind.
Met my FI and he has been amazing and set me up on my plan to get rid of debt and helped any way he could to the point that I am half way done with my debt and will be debt free by 2014 🙂
We are getting married this October.
I have been calling my mother bi-weekly and sending her 50 – 100 dollars once every two to three months just to help out a little but I am in no position to do more. Even when i do I can’t tell my FI about it because he doesn’t think I should. She is retired (65) and has a lot more then i have. But i know economy is bad so i try here and there.
Now she started asking for money every month. If i tell her i don’t have it she plays the victim role. If that doesn’t work then shy tries to pin point how she raised me and gave me life. If that doens’t work then she points out that i spend more money on my dog and my FI then i care about my own mother…. pretty much trying to effect me any way she can to achieve desired result where i send her money. Once I do then she is the sweetest can be. Until next time, unless i offer to send money myself then there is no issues.
She wants to come here for a month to attend our wedding which means I would have to pay for her ticket and all other things needed. I just don’t have the money to do that. FI agreed to pay for her ticket but he doesn’t want her to come for a month, 2 weeks max. He knows that my anxiety flares up each time i talk to her over the phone and he doens’t want me to be stressed around our wedding time.
Now I got a message from her that she needs me to send her money. I said I can’t now but maybe i can send her a little bit when i get paid next week. She got furious again going through her motions of anger…… Which makes me feel like shit.
I told her that I can’t believe that she is expecting money monthly now. I said if you like I will sne dyou some money monthly but I won’t have any money to get you here for the wedding therefore choose which is more important to you.
Then pointing out that I am having a wedding for 120 people and i don’t have money to invite her own mother etc….
I told her that there is no point of talking now and to have a great week and since she can’t wait a week to figure something out on her own.
I am at a loss and end of my patience with this woman. I can’t believe what I am dealing with.
Is this normal ?
Am i wrong in this ?