(Closed) Problems with my sister

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did I Overreact?
    Yes : (10 votes)
    30 %
    No : (23 votes)
    70 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9920 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Your overreaction is not in telling her she can’t have a date, but in being so upset.  Was she supposed to be a bridesmaid?  Who cares about her missing an engagement party?  That’s not even a real thing, let’s be honest.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1584 posts
    Bumble bee

    @likewoah:  is that persons cost worth a possible rift forming/widening? I’d use caution w/ her because you don’t want something that will seem petty in hindsight to affect your relationship.

    While it would be nice if she cared more, perhaps theres a reason why she doesn’t.

    Post # 5
    Member
    8044 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @likewoah:  I think you need to have a talk with her and let her know how you’re feeling. I have a sister too so I know how it can be.

    Just lay it all out and explain that you’re hurt because you thought she’d be more excited for you. Hear her side of the story and try to come up with a solution.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7656 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    No, you didn’t. Those seats are reserved for whoever you want. That being said, perhaps she doesn’t want a part in the wedding becuase she doesn’t want to disappoint you if she can’t be there? Maybe she is jealous or something? Or maybe she just isn’t the “wedding” type? That’s ok. There is still some time before your wedding for her to change her mind at least about showing up early for pics and going to a flower arranging party (although me personally I would find that awful boring and probably wouldn’t go either).

    Post # 7
    Member
    248 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I don’t think you overreacted, but there is probably a better way to get what you want than this tit-for-tat arangement. It’s pretty selfish of her to not want to be involved in your wedding and to expect to bring a date when she isn’t putting forth any effort. Still, I’m guessing what you really want from her isn’t that seat back for her date, but her support and involvement in your day. Have you tried talking to her? What is her reasoning for not wanting to do these things? Figuring out what’s causing her behavior might be a better way to get her to change her mind.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3041 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Have she given you a reason for all of this? I can see that you perhaps miss an engagement party, bridal shower or bachelorette party – but to not participate in the ceremony and reception? That’s a strong statement in my book and I would really want to know what brought it on. From what you’ve written – no, I don’t think you over reacted at all, quite the opposite!

    Post # 9
    Member
    9559 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I voted yes, but I want to clarify. I can totally and completely understand why you would be horribly upset by your sister’s decision not to be involved in the wedding. 

    However, the “if she’s not interested in getting ready with me and participating in the ceremony, I’m not interested in giving up one of my venue’s limited seats” sounds like you’re just trying to get back at her for hurting your feelings by finding a way to hurt her back. And I think that is the wrong way to approach this.

    Instead, I would talk to her and try to find out why she doesn’t want to participate and let her know how hurt you are about this. But if this is her final decision then I would try to come to terms with that. I would have an incredibly hard time forgiving a sister that did that, but I would try. And I would try not to make things worse by lashing back out at her.

    Edit: Also, I think the e-party and especially the “flower arranging party” should not be a big deal. What concerns me is why she won’t stand with you? Did she give a reason?

    Post # 11
    Member
    9920 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @likewoah:  If they walk down the aisle, where do they go when they’re done? To their seats? Otherwise I think they’re bridesmaids…  Maybe she is upset because you’re not having a maid of honor or bridesmaids, though.  Have you asked her?

    Post # 12
    Member
    3041 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @likewoah: Think about it until tomorrow at least, then ask her if you could meet up for a chat. Explain to her that you’re hurt and sad that she’s not participating, that it perhaps made you over react and ask if there is any way you can move on from this place. If she’s at all reasonable, she will work with you from there. If not… well, then I hope she realises how awful she behaved in a few years and apologise to you.

    Post # 13
    Member
    732 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I do think you overreacted by trying to bribe her to be more involved. That is definitely not the way to get her to want to be a part of your day. I can’t really give advice for getting your sister to participate as I have no idea the type of relationship you two have. I think you both need to agree to be completely honest with each other. Tell her why you said she couldn’t invite a friend and explain how she is hurting your feelings. Then maybe she will tell you the reason why she doesn’t want to participate. You need to talk to her and I mean face to face. Do not have this conversation through text messages. 

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    2023 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Is your sister engaged, married, or anything?  If not, then I doubt that she realizes how important all of these things are to you… I think that you need to tell her that it would mean a lot of she were participating more in this special day.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @likewoah:  It sounds as though they/your sister may think that you want them to do the bridesmaid “duties” without the actual title of bridesmaid. If you don’t want them to feel obligated to buy a dress or throw you a party but still be honoured on your day, then make them bridesmaids, but specify what you do/don’t want them to do.

    As for your sister not bringing a date – I don’t think people should bring strangers to other people’s weddings, and I really don’t get the whole “plus one” thing if someone isn’t in a relationship, but there are probably better ways to approach this with her than “You’re not doing what I want for the wedding, so you don’t get to bring a friend.”

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