(Closed) Problems with sister/bridesmaid

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

That’s a really tough situation and I’m sorry you are having to deal with it.

On one hand, you asked her to be a bridesmaid knowing you were not close and knowing you were doing it to "keep the peace." That in no way gives her the right to act the way she is, but I have a feeling she is acting like that cause she knows why you asked her.

Now you are considering asking her to step down. Do you think that will cause even more problems in the family circle than if you hadn’t invited her in the first place?

I think you should think about this (as I know you are) before you do anything and have a meaningful conversation with someone who you trust and knows a little of the dynamics of the situation. Also, is there any way you could talk to her directly and tell her you would like her to be more involved and that you feel weird that she will be missing the lunch?

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’d say it’s not worth the drama to ask her to step down.  And as much as you want her to be more involved, asking her might just make her sulk and be more negative so it’s probably not worth it.  That said she is your sister and you shouldn’t have to put up with much attitude.  Even if you’re not super close, are  you close enough to tell her that you are feeling unsupported and that many of her comments and actions are coming across as negative.  Be honest and say that you wanted to include her b/c she’s your sister, but you’re getting the sense that she doesn’t really want to be a part of your wedding.  Don’t be accusatory…maybe you really are misinterpreting her comments or maybe she doesn’t realize that they are hurtful.  Just let her know how you’re feeling…hopefully that will cause her to lighten up.

I totally feel you though, I have a close friend that I’ve considered asking to be a BM.  But she’s just really negative (not nec. about the wedding) all the time, and I really don’t want that energy around me on my wedding day.  I hope that just letting your sister know how her actions are impacting you will get her to lighten up. 

Post # 5
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I had the same thing and my sister was in my wedding in the end, and I REALLY wish she wasn’t.  So, honestly, there will be drama with your family if you kick her out, but there’s drama now with her in the wedding.  So, if you really want her out just kick her out. You really don’t want that kind of rain cloud over your head during the planning or on the wedding day.  

I wrote about some of the drama with her HERE and HERE

Post # 6
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I feel your pain…but I opted not to ask my sisters…yes the two of them! We’re not close either, they are invited of coarse…but they are not in my wedding and I don’t see anything wrong with that. My mom asked me the other day why I don’t ask the oldest of my two sisters to be in it…but I said WHY? and that was pretty much the end of it!

Post # 7
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s times like these I am so glad that I don’t have sisters.  I have an easy out with my brothers not being able to be BMs!

Post # 8
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My sister was my maid of honor.  We are close, but she behaved terribly (i won’t get into it).  She was concerned about her dress, and her hair.  Once that was taken care of- I never saw her again.  My brother acted as my maid of honor helping me with everything.

 

  She’s your sister, suck it up.  It’s what you do for family.  Remember when she gets married, you can pay her back.  (When my sister gets married I plan on being MIA for any of the work and at the reception getting drunk and insulting her in laws- not to mention laying on a table and having a tantrum.)

Post # 9
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

You said, you asked her to be a bridesmaid to make your mom happy.  Have you tried talking to your mom about your concerns?  Maybe she can say something to your sister about stepping up.  I wouldn’t necesarily expect a whole lot from your sister, but maybe your mom saying something would at least get her to stop making negative comments. 

It goes without saying, that this is your wedding so even if she doesn’t like the concept, do what you want to do.  You’ll regret it more later if you let her dictate what things do or do not look like.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I talked to my mom about this same kind of thing.

I am not close to my sister. And we are about as different as night and day. But I also have 6 close girlfriends to chose from to be a bridesmaid… And I am having a very small wedding as it is. So it is difficult to choose my friends without them getting irritated- or my sister, who wouldn’t help out with anything. So I talked to my mom who actually said and agreed that it was ok if I didn’t choose my sister.

As of right now she is a bridesmaid, and I was going to try to choose one of my closer friends to be the maid of honor. It is still up in the air. I am having an inner conflict right now too… I think Miss D’orsay talked about this recently in one of her posts. And she said something that was really interesting that I have been reflecting on… ‘Sometimes choices regarding bridesmaids are about the future, not just the past.’

I think I know in my heart, my relationship with my sister will get better as we move on with our lives… So I am trying to keep that in mind.

Post # 11
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You asked her to be a bridesmaid to make your mother happy.  You can keep family harmony by just leaving her in the bridal party and not expecting her to do anything except show up in a bridesmaid dress and walk down the aisle.  If she doesn’t want to come to the bridesmaid luncheon, have it without her (you probably don’t really want her there anyway).  If she criticizes all of your plans, don’t discuss them with her.  Instead ask her to talk about her life (she sounds pretty self-centered, and I’m sure she’ll be happy to talk about herself).  Just think of leaving her as a bridesmaid as a nice thing you are doing for your mother and expect no support from her.

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