- 7 years ago
So I know I’ve vented a dozen times on here about my waiting. Part of my frustration has been that my SO is very emotionally guarded — both because he doesn’t like to “show weakness” and because he’s an auditor so that’s just his personality. So getting him to express his emotions or feelings about us and our relationship is practically impossible. Yes, he tells me he loves me everyday, and I know he does. But he is unable to tell me why (which really concerned me until my shrink told me he’s just not wired that way).
Similarly, because he’s an auditor and doesn’t like to show “weakness”, he is scared to over-commit himself emotionally or verbally. So after 2 yrs of dating, when I thought we knew we were the “one” for one another, and I thought it was just a matter of time, I was broken-hearted when he said, “I don’t know if you’re the one yet.” Even 1-2 months ago after 3.5 yrs of dating, he could only muster up the commitment to say, “I’m pretty sure.” It’s much easier to be in that waiting stage when you KNOW it’s coming, and you KNOW your guy is committed. It’s so much harder when your SO is still in that “I still don’t know” stage — even though deep down I think he knows but just isn’t ready yet — but still it would be nice to hear that “you are the one i will marry you” affirmation for the sake of “security”. And whenever we talk about it, 99% of the time he’ll give me “we’ll see” and “i don’t know” answers, half in sarcasm and half serious so as to not “be held to anything” and not “show his hand” but also to “let me down gently”. Ugh.
I’ve been disgruntled about him and our relationship lately. This waiting has a lot to do with it (I’m sure some resentment creeping up). But there are some other things that concern me (e.g. he can be overly critical and I’m particularly sensitive to that…and we’ve talked about it at length). (That being said, no man is perfect, and no relationship is perfect, so I’ve just chalked those concerns up to being some of those things that you love anyway.) But some things about Friday night just reminded me why he is my best friend and why I want him to be my partner in life. And I said that — I said, “and that’s why I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” And he responded: “I want to spend the rest of my life with you too.”
I’m sure he said it in passing and thought nothing of it (men are from Mars and all…). But to me, it signaled PROGRESS!!!!!!!! I’ve known for a while that, deep down, that’s how he felt. But it’s so nice to HEAR IT FOR ONCE!!! And even moreso, it’s nice to hear that he realizes it himself, enough to say it out loud. Sure, he may have had a few beers in him, but he would never say something like that unless he believed it deep down inside. And that’s what counts.
So I am relieved to hear that he knows he wants to spend his life with me. And he knows of certain “due dates” that I have on proposing. So maybe this ultimate procrastinator (as described in my other posts) can get his $h!t together enough to get around to proposing by then. (Now…the next step is getting him to cross from Bachelorland into Husbandville by feeling “ready” to be married.)