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I'm lucky that my boyfriend is really vocal about his feelings, but sometimes, the basics mean the most. The most emotional my boyfriend has ever been have been the times when he has the least to say. He might also just feel a little blindsided, maybe he truly isn't good with words, and thought that just saying he loves you is saying something nice. This is a good opportunity for you guys to open up the ocmmunication. Maybe he didn't know he had to outline his promise to you.
You're out of line. Pouting is not a good way to respond to a generous gift, regardless of what he said. If he said something like, "You're a b*tch," I could see getting upset. But "Here, I love you" isn't something to complain about. He was honest and said he didn't have time to prepare anything. Your post makes it sound like the ring is more important than the commitment it symbolizes--you said you doted on your ring, but then got all pouty because the whole thing didn't go the way you wanted it to. =/
I do think you're being a little ridiculous also. He got you a lovely gift, and maybe he's a man of few words- I don't know. But it also sounds like you practically pushed him into purchasing the ring to begin with. You picked it out- you went to pick it up- etc, he didn't have a lot to do with this, maybe if he had gotten to do it himself that would of helped?
I would have felt the same way, but the other ladies are mostly right to say you need a reality check. I don't think they're right to say that for you it was mostly about the ring--you wanted a commitment and an experience to go along with that commitment. Don't be surprised if that experience isn't a one-moment thing, but a new mode in your relationship that you only gradually become aware of. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how it worked for me after a proposal that was slightly disappointing for some of the same reasons you cite.
Even the fact that you had to ask him to say something nice when he gave it to you makes me raise my eyebrows... I don't doubt your relationship or anything but I agree with the above posters, if you want it to come from the heart, you can't have him force it. Picking out your own ring, half opening it, then expecting a heartfelt monologue just doesn't connect.
I think, "Here, I love you," is a nice thing to say! He bought it for you because he knew you would like it. If I were in your situation, I might have been a bit disappointed had he thrown it at me instead of handing it to me, however I do think that he meant well!
Do you think the reason why you're disappointed is because you were hoping for an engagement ring instead of a promise ring?
@ariakay: You have the right to feel the way that you do. Talk to him about how you feel and that way he understands how important those things are to you. If you express how you feel now, hopefully his proposal will make up for it!
@snowflake119 and @Statutory Grape: You have no way to tell anyone to feel a certain way.
@des_salazar: We were not. We were saying she was being a tad ungrateful--there's a big difference. Pouting over an outcome that you (shouldn't be controlling in the first place, really) found less than desirable is a bit childish. There are other, more productive, ways to deal with the situation.
The whole thing has kind of lost the whole meaning when you push him into doing everything. Telling him you 'want him' to say something nice when he gives it to you is kind of ridiculous. That's like telling your future husband exactly how you want him to propose to you. That is their one time to plan something all on their own, and being involved in it (with the expception of telling them ring preferences) cheapens the whole experience. He probably felt uncomfortable and like you were putting a lot of pressure on him. You will probably find the more you push him and ask him to do things like that, the less he will do it on his own.
I think the problem is, like the PP's said, that you took too much control over the situation. I know how that is because I'm pretty much a super-planner and like to know about situations in advance (which is a nice way to say control freak I guess?). Right now I am waiting on a proposal and I have to stop myself from telling him "Oh, it would be so nice if your proposed here" or things like that. I've given him some guidance, because it's not like me to totally shut up, and he appreciates the advice.
For your guy it might have been hard because as soon as the ring was home, you wanted to open it and he had to say something on the fly. I think you should just sit down with him and discuss it. If you're hoping for an engagement ring in the near future just let him know how you feel and that you would be so happy if he planned a nice proposal. If you know how he feels about you, cherish that and feel secure in your relationship, even if this didn't go as you hoped.
Also, I want to add: Don't let these responses discourage you from staying on the Bee. I know a year or so ago I was on here and got terrible responses to something I had posted about waiting and "pressuring" my guy. It upset me and I left. Now things have moved on more and I'm trying to keep my skin thick. Every relationship is different and we don't know your whole story.
(I also think some of the engaged bees don't remember how hard waiting can be, but that's just my opinion)
I don't think you are out of line. He could have bought you a card or something after you specifically told him that it was important to you for it to be accompanied by some sort of sentiment. No one is too busy to pick up a birthday card.
But, staying mad doesn't solve anything. I'd just explain how you feel and leave it at that. No pouting. You can use this opportunity to express to your future FI how you feel about these types of things, if he doesn't already know.
I'm at the other extreme- my FI knows that if he got down on one knee and spouted some romantic mumbo-jumbo (especially if it were in public) I would not be impressed. And most women like those sort of things. I do think you have to communicate your expectations, and I disagree that it "cheapens the experience."
Personally i think it all depends on the man himself. YOU know your man and whether he is one who can voice his emotions and how he feels for you or whether he is a man of few words. Now if you were expecting something that was completely opposite of what he is like then yea you might be in the wrong a little about this since you know how he is, but if he good about being open and romantic then sure you have every right to have expected more. Also is this something completely worth being upset about, at least he did have a note attached! But it is up to you how you handle it and then learn from the situations!
So none of these other women have any right to tell you whether it was or wasn't out of line, it is just something you will have to look at yourself and realize. :)
@PinkBubbleGum: Well said!
@PinkBubbleGum: I agree with your comment, "I also think some of the engaged bees don't remember how hard waiting can be..."
When I read posts like these, I remember when I was waiting for my FI to pop the question. It was a bit difficult not to pout when he gave me gifts that weren't an engagement ring, to be completely honest! After thanking him profusely, in my mind I would think, "This is beautiful and thoughtful, but he could have put the money he spent on this towards a ring." I don't care if anyone thinks that sounds ungrateful, or wants to tell me that I'm a snob because of it. Because that's what I thought and I'm being honest here. I didn't NEED a ring, but I NEEDED the commitment from him (he was very concerned about finances before he would consider getting married, and it was concerning to me because I was ready for the next step after 4.5 years of dating).
@ariakay: I do understand your disappointment in hoping for an engagement, though still being grateful for the gift you've received is important! Remember that your SO got you such a great gift because he loves you. He might have thought that the ring spoke for itself, since you specifically asked for it.
Wow thanks for all of the replies everyone! I didn't really mean for this to sound like I'm pressuring him into doing anything, I was just mad that the situation didn't pan out the way I wanted it to in my imagination...I was just looking for some pretty words, that's all. Obviously the ring I received isn't more important than the commitment it symbolizes, and I really love it! We kind of picked out together from a bunch of favorites on the internet. HE was the one who said he wanted to buy me a promise ring on my birthday!
Some posts I'd like to address:
@hsaas91- I really thought about this. Thank you.
@helstrong- I should have mentioned that he did pick it out with me. And I picked it up because he said he was busy, but when I got back he was doing fantasy football haha.
@marjojo- Thank you to relating to me and the advice.
@GoldfishPie- I really wasn't trying to force it...more like nudge it. And I love your username.
@PinkBubbleGum-Thank you for the advice! Worse things have happened to me...and I can't leave the Bee now because I'm already addicted. :)
Again, thanks everyone. Maybe next time I'll leash the control freak and let him do it his way.
PS This is my ring. It glows amazingly from the inside. :)
pring.jpg (31.8 KB, 149 downloads) 1 year old
Great ring! I like the etching(?) on the band.
And if you figure out how to reel in the control-freak, let me know! ;)
Did he make it clear it was a promise ring and not just a ring?
It's a pretty ring! :)
ooo that is pretty! What kind of stone is that?
I didn't mean to come off harsh or anything. I totally understand when expectations don't live up and the waiting sucks! I can totally understand the fantasy football thing- what are up with men and their fantasy sports?
@Helstrong: my boy went to a ff draft last wednesday (date day!) and will be going to one this wednesday too! Grrr...
@ariakay: Love the ring!
I feel you. I'm recently engaged and I remember all too vividly how hard it is to wait! I don't think any good could really come from sitting down and telling him how disappointed you are now, if you're over it just let it drop. I love your ring, what kind of stone is that?
I have the same problem. When my husband "proposed" to me, he was in his underwear and he said "I have something for you" and then handed me the ring. So you're not alone!!!
Well, to be somewhat fair, I don't think he had the time to put together anything and so I think if you didn't know about the ring (or he didn't know that you knew) he probably could have said something. It does take romance out of the equation when you hand him the ring and expect something nice to be said.
I don't understand, is it a promise ring?
Considering you went and picked it up yourself because you were being impatient... I think you kind of cut him off at the pass. It was his gift to you. He should have picked it up, or gone with you (I'll give you that)... it's almost as if you went and got your own engagement ring handed it to him and expected him to say something. The ball was totally out of his court, ya know? I don't know, I would think he felt a bit emmasculated. :/
From reading all these replies and then re-reading the post, it sounds to me like his feelings were hurt. He got you this special thing, and he wasn't even able to TRY to give it to you in a special way. You helped him pick it out, went with him to pick it up, opened the box when he didn't want you to, and then handed it to him to give to you. How was he supposed to make that special? If I were him I would have just been like, ok this is stupid. "here you go, if you want it that bad, then take it". Again, PLEASE don't take offense to this because I can completely understand how you're feeling. You wanted it to be special and it wasn't so you're hurt. I would feel the same way. Just please also try to understand your role in it not being special and how you influenced him to act how he did.
I understand dear- if you read one of my most recent post it's about a one year anniversary upset. And because the day didnt go the way I planned, I was upset. But I love him all the same and I know you do too. Chalk this up as a learning experience for both of you. He can learn how to show you love, and you can learn to let him show you love in his own way and not try to control it (like I do ; )
have a nice day
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I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years now, and this year for my birthday he gifted me a beautiful promise ring. He bought it for me on my birthday after I picked it out online, and as he was buying it I asked him if he would say something nice (about what it means to him) when he gave it to me. I very excitedly waited for it, checking the mail first every day, and today (the only day I miss it of course) the postal slip was left at the house. As soon as he came home from school, I jumped in his car so we could go to the post office together before it closed. He said that he had too much to do, and that I could go by myself. That was fine with me, because I wanted my ring! He also asked me not to open the package, but I warned him that I was so excited that I just might.
When I received the package, I felt around and felt that it contained a box. I opened the mailing package, but not the box (only because it was sealed with a sticker...lol). When I got home, I raced inside and handed him the box so that he could give it to me and say something nice. He was mad at me that I opened it, but I obviously hadn't because the box was sealed. The kicker was that he gave me the box and said:
"Here, I love you."
I thought: Ugh, that's it? Here, Ily? That's not even a whole tweet. So naturally I tear open the box and dote on my ring, and then I get pouty. I just wanted him to say something about what he promises, what this ring means to him, anything really. So then I start being pouty and he says that he had no time to prepare anything, that he doesn't know what to say and he's not good at that stuff. Then I say if we ever get married that's what I'm going to engrave inside his ring. Are all guys like this or just mine?? Do I have a right to be pouty and kinda mad??
(Bonus Shrek quote:But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!)