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Personally I am not that keen on promise rings mainly because it was big in highschool for boys to give them to their GFs if they had been together for awhile and I don't know ANYONE who still is in those relationships!
I guess everyone is different but I have been fully committed to Mr. M for almost 6 years and we have been living together for 4 of those years and we own a house and a dog together! So I have felt like we are pretty much married for years and we were just waiting for the finances to get in order!
I am kinda worried as to why you want more commitment from him that you think a promise ring would solve? What are you needing from him that you are not getting to feel more of this commitment? If you are worried about him doing something that you don't want him too - do you really think that a promise ring is going to stop him from doing it?
We too have a dog together and are in the process of buying a house together. I'm feeling really impatient knowing that engagement and marriage are so far off even though we very much live as a married couple. I guess my real issues lie with the way others perceive the relationship. I feel as though it's very stable but I'm letting others' comments get to me. When I share the amazingly exciting news that we're buying a house together, I'm met with comments like "But you're not married? Or even engaged?" Or worse, along those lines. I know I already have the promise that a promise ring symbolizes. I guess I just want a concrete symbol of it.
Did you ever have people make comments like that? How does one deal in a situation like that?
I got those comments for years. I dated my now-fiance for two years (long distance) while I was in college. When I graduated, I knew I didn't want to move back with my parents, so we moved in together. I heard everything from why buy the cow, etc. to "what are you waiting for?" We lived together for three years before we got engaged. I felt our relationship was solid and committed and I was never "waiting" for an engagement ring or proposal. We live in a wonderful home, have two great cats, and a happy life together. All this while I ignored what people were saying. Don't let it get to you.
Yeah, I try not to. It just kind of cuts a little deeper when it's from family. The irony of it all is that I know I don't want to get married now. I know that I want to wait at least another year and a half to think about getting engaged and at least three to get married.
Yet, I'm a bit impatient. lol, I'm such a confused person. I guess I just want to hear from him more that he wants to get married after I establish my career, and be reminded that he feels the same way I do. Maybe I should talk to him about it instead of thinking that jewelry will solve it.
My husband and I started dating in high school, and about a year after being in college, he bought me one. I wasn't expecting it, and he really meant it, so I just loved it. I wore it for about 6 years, until we got engaged, and now its on my right hand. I certainly don't think they are necessary, and I would never expect one, but it is a nice gesture on his part if he does it on his own and if you know it'll be quite a while before the engagement.
In your situation, though, isn't buying a house together a huge promise? I wouldn't worry about what other people say, you know where you and your SO stand.
I remember that same feeling but I think it's not something that a piece of metal and a little diamond can fix. For me, it was the word boyfriend. It just sounds so casual and impermanent it doesn't matter how long you've been together, people just don't take you as seriously.
I have a friend whose "boyfriend" was very hurt by his parents divorce and as a result never wants to get married. ("Why fix something that's not broken?") They've been together for 8 years or so, own a house and have started trying to have a baby but technically she is his girlfriend even though they are more married than I will be in a month. Since I've become aware of the situation I've thought that there needs to be a title for those who, for whatever reason, aren't engaged but are far beyond the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Maybe the Bees can coin one? There are enough of us we might be able to make it fairly common! lol
Part of the reason I've been thinking about it is because for our first Christmas together, he got me a heart necklace and I love it. Even when we're arguing or whatever, it reminds me that he does love me.
He isn't one for many words or sweet nothings. I asked him about this early in the relationship and after meeting his family, I really understood it. He told me that his family didn't not ever say "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" or anything like that. And throughout our relationship, he's shown his love more than he's talked about it. He'll help me with my resume or change my oil or do the dishes or buy me flowers, just because. So I guess that's why a promise ring first popped into my head.
But I definitely agree with caitlanc. We need a word for more-than-boyfriend-not-quite-fiance.
I think the key to not letting those comments bother me is that I am confident in what I am doing! I know what me and Mr. M have and really that is all that matters!
Where I live it is very common to get married in your later twenties, live with your SO before marriage for a significant amount of time, and many do not get married at all!
A lot of people use partner or SO here when referring to their life partner - because Mr. M is more than my BF he is my life partner - but I wasn't comfortable saying it because it seems to be a term reserved for same sex couples. So I just say "my SO Mr. M" and then refer to him as Mr. M from there in after - that worked for me!
You have the commitment you want and a little ring is not going to stop the comments. Just be confident in what you have and let them roll of your back!
Thanks! I should have known that all along, but it helps to hear it. :)
Just being honest here... I think they're ridiculous. Either you're engaged or your not. IMO, it's a nice gesture but more of a gift jewelry than an e-ring. But then again, I'm also in my mid 30's. Might feel different if I was younger.
I was given a ring for Christmas, for our 1-year anniversary. It wasn't a promise ring, but an "i love you" ring and was very sweet. I did start wearing it on my left finger because, in my mind, I was permanently taken. Now we are married, and he said it always made him feel good to know that I cared enough about him to show to everyone that I was completely off limits, as judged by the amethyst on my left hand. We were still in college and not ready to become engaged, but were beyond the "we're dating" stage.
It did hurt to be wearing it as I got older and he was deployed and for people to mistake it for an engagement ring (they assumed he was a poor enlisted private I guess!) and then have to explain "no, he's my BF of 3.5 years" but "no we aren't engaged yet" and then explain why "so he is more financially stable and can buy a nicer ring and a not so long engagement". How do you possibly explain that he won't propose until he can buy you something he seems worthy enough?! Oye.
There should be a stage for bf-not-quite-fi, lol. I hear "bf/gf" and I think "not serious"
I'm personally not a fan of them. Idk, I feel like if you are going to make that promise, might as well buy the real thing! Even if that means it has to be a long engagement or a not so great ring that gets upgraded earlier. If he wanted to give you a ring as a gift to show his love to you fine, but calling it a promise ring, imo, is just a little silly. I don't believe in making promises unless you really mean it, and if you really mean it, imo, then just get engaged! But, that's me and my opinion lol I also married quite young though so that probably influences my thoughts.
If you're upset by the comments people are giving you now, then I'd advise against getting a promise ring. To me (and I'm sure a lot of other people) promise rings bring up the image of high school "relationships" - that is to say they are seen as a joke; not to be taken seriously. I guarantee that if you get a promise ring, people will not take you any more seriously than they do now, maybe less so. If you're not going to get engaged now (and from experience I advise against getting engaged if you're not planning to marry within 18 months- people take you even LESS seriously when you're engaged for several years) then I advise you just find a way to ignore people's ideas of you. What matters is that you are committed to each other, you know your relationship is strong, and you will get married when the time is right (and have the satisfaction of knowing you put yourself in a better place because you waited). If you want a pretty piece of jewelry- go for it, but I advise against calling anything a promise ring. Promise rings don't mean anything, engagement rings, and marriage vows aren't rock solid either. You don't need a symbol to prove your commitment.
i still wear my promise ring that my FI gave me when we were in high school. Yes i love my engagement (of course) but my promise ring is still very close to my heart and will ALWAYS wear it.
I may not be in the majority, but my promise ring meant something to us back then and 11 years later it still means something to us. Not silly at all to me, but I realize that high school sweethearts getting married are not that common.
I think its a personal thing! :)
I agree with krissybee. I think it's a personal thing. My fiance gave me a promise right on our first anniversary. We were still in college...but he wanted to let me know he loved me and wanted to marry me once we were both done with college. It meant a lot to me because i obviously felt the same way. It was a wonderful gesture on his part because it let me know just how commited he was. I wore it on my right hand tho because i didn't want it to get confused with an engagement ring. I think if it is something you would like it has to be for YOU and your fiance...not because you don't like what people are saying. Besides don't worry about what other people think...all that matters is what you and your fiance think about each other. :)
I agree that promise rings make the couple seem young, even if their relationship is mature.
I was in your situation so I know how you feel, trust me! But just remember - the money that he would've spent on a promise ring will go towards the E-ring when he's ready to propose!
I kinda liked the idea of a promise ring and I too received a gorgeous one this past Christmas....My FI and I will have been together for 4 years come Nov. At the time he knew how badly I wanted a ring on my finger, but he wanted to do it on his own time. The ring was a promise to me that the engagement could come soon. More or less it was to get me to shut up about the real thing, but it was a gesture of love because he knew how much expressing our commitment ment to me. Funny thing is when I opened it on Christmas in front of my family they all were silent because they thought he was proposing! I knew he wasn't, but they didn't...it was kinda funny. (the ring actually was a lower end engagement ring so I can see the confusion) I also had many people get joyous and asked if he proposed when the saw the ring, until they realized it was on the right hand. Long story short I only had my promise ring for a short few months until he traded it in towards my engagement ring. I find it funny that I waited over 3 years for a promise ring and it only took 6 months more to get the proposal.
I agree with a couple of you- I think that they are ridiculous. I usually don't like being that blunt- but Sorry--
I agree that you are either engaged or you're not-- there isn't a set time on engagement--and if you're serious enough to think you need a promise ring- then you should be prepared to have an engagment ring
In my experience of knowing many many couples who have promise rings-- those rings are so much easily taken off or not taken very seriously
I guess if you believe in them- then wear one- but i think it's funny to tell someone "oh, i got a promise ring" - to me its the same as any other ring your boyfriend might give you as a gift. The meaning behind them is supposed to be strong- but the guys who give girls promise rings- are usually the ones who are freaked out at the words engaged-married-forever....
Wow, a lot of different opinions, lol. I've always heard promise rings just called promise rings, not "i love you ring" or anything else but essentially that is what I was thinking about. EJS, the feelings you described, of feeling pemanently taken and wanting to show that. I feel like the engaged ladies get more respect from other people regarding their relationship in terms of seriousness. But when you're just dating, like EJS said, people think "Oh, not serious." And sometimes, "I can still hit on her." And from family and friends, as I've already touched on a little, "Oh, you're living together but not married or engaged?"
But, I'll leave it up to him to decide if that's how he wants to celebrate our one year anniversary and our commitment to each other. I really appreciate the insight and different points of view! I really never thought much about it or considered some of the things you all brought up. :)
Personally, I don't think promise rings are silly at all. I think they're good for people who know they want to get married but aren't quite at that stage of their life yet where get engaged and planning a wedding is right. My fiance gave me my promise ring while we were in high school for Christmas, about nine months into our relationship.. We have now been together for three and a half years, been engaged for a little over one, and are planning a wedding for two years from now, so it was just right for our timeline to go with that route first. I don't think it's necessary to show others that you're committed to each other, because you both know that you are and the people who know you the best know that you are, there's no need to prove it because it's just the two of you in your relationship, but for me it just meant a lot for personal reasons, and it will always mean so much to me. I wore it on my left hand when I first got it as well, and now I wear it every single day on my right hand because it still means just as much, and it reminds me of how lucky I am to be marrying my high school sweetheart and the love of my life, and it reminds me of everything we've been through to get us where we are. So if it's right for the two of you and your timeline, then I say go for it, but don't do it just for other people. Their comments aren't what matters, it's the commitment you KNOW you have for each other that does.
I think that if a promise ring is given without the proper intentions, it can be seen as silly, ridiculous, immature, etc, and that can taint peoples' views of it.
Not everybody is ready for that engagement ring right then and there, but is ready for the committment and future intention of one. personally, I didn't want to have to upgrade mine down the road and show off something small in the meantime.
You don't have to label your ring. I didn't label mine. I always got asked if it was a promise ring, an engagement ring, if he gave it to me, if it was a chastity ring, etc. No, it was just a ring he gave me to tell me he loved me. It was a gift, a pretty jewelry ring. And some day I will pass it on to our daughter and say "look what your dad gave me X years ago". And I wore it on my left hand. But, I will say that a promise ring doesn't necessarily make people take you any more seriously
And when you end up with a sparkly diamond on your finger, people often ask, "so how long have you knmown each other?"as that is often how people judge you.
I think that time period, in general, is how people take you seriously. I know I tend to take couples more seriously if they've been together longer, too (and if they're a little older, sorry i know you're only 18); i've seen a few shorter engagements fall apart, so my views are tainted.
There are a lot of factors, and you are only 18. Just make sure you guys get one, you're on the same page regardimng what it means =]
Yeah. The age thing, age is just a number... I started college at 15 and graduated high school and college (with my Associate's degree) at 17 and immediately started my Bachelor's in Accounting and will graduate at 19. And I currently work for a Fortune 500... So I'm not quite a "normal" 18 year old... Which kind of makes things a little more confusing when it comes to our relationship and engagement/marriage. A lot of our friends are getting married and we don't quite feel ready for engagement, but we do know that's where we want to be, a year or so from now.
You remind me of a friend of mine! She always ceases to amaze me that she JUST turned 21 and yet acts older and more mature than the rest of us!
She has decided to wait it out and just live with her guy and is really content doing that for now, but she has decided to go back to school. They just bought a house, too.
Just keep in mind that if you care what others think, they may not be all "oh a promise ring how sweet!" but frankly, who gives a flying monkey butt? Hardly anyone will ever come up to and ask about it, frankly. I just remember it was a big deal when I started wearing mine on my left hand and my whole sorority noticed, yet I didn't have a candlelight to signify one way or another what it meant.
But honestly since you're almost out fo school, who's even going to bug you about it? if it means osmething to you and he wants to give you one, that's all that matters =]
If you're already buying a house together and have a dog together...why not just get engaged? What would it really change? You would get the REAL level of commitment you want, not just the faux-commitment promise ring.
If you aren't ready to take the big step of committing via engagement, how can you be ready to buy a house together, etc? Maybe you could change your perspective on the situation. Getting engaged doesn't mean rushing to the altar. I, for one, plan on having an extended engagement. Maybe that's the right choice for you and your SO, too?
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What are your takes on promise rings? At this point, I know that engagement is at least a year and a half away... Marriage at least three years away, due to me still being in school and wanting to be established in my career before getting married. Which, we're on the same page about. We've only had a few marriage discussions, and we've agreed that after college, after establishing career. But I would really like a bit more of a commitment... If that even makes sense. Did any of you ever feel this way?