Post # 1
Hi Bees, I’ve been lurking for a while and trying to resist posting my situation so as not to focus on it. But I’m reaching the end of my rope so perhaps sharing with people who are in the same boat will help.
Background: BF and I have been together almost 4.5 years. In addition to dating for over 4 years and were good friends for 8 years before that. We are both 24. The first 3 years of our relationship he always said he would marry me tomorrow if it were socially acceptable (we were still in college).
Suddenly around the 3.5 year mark he stopped talking about us getting married and started saying things “if we break up”. This was also around the same time we started planning to live together the next year(which is now this year). His change of attitude was concerning to me, so I asked him if he had any plans for our relationship in the near future. He said he was not sure. I told him that I could not sign a lease with him unless we were on the same page about where our relationship was going. I also told him I could not stay exclusive with someone who was unsure about me after 4 years. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him but until he could makeup his mind I was going to see other people. I wasn’t saying we could never be together, but I wasn’t going to wait around and try to nag him into proposing. I explained that I was sorry all of this was coming off as pressure but as a woman who wants to have a family I can’t spend forever with someone who might never commit. He said he understood and agreed to see other people.
His revelation: Less than 24 hours later he called me up and said that he had had enough time to think about it and he was certain he wants to marry me. But he wanted the official proposal to be a surprise, not “forced”. I thought that was a reasonable compromise so I agreed to stay in the relationship with the understanding a proposal would be forthcoming. I also told him I don’t care about how much the ring costs. Before we signed a lease I asked him again if he was certain because I didn’t want to be with someone who was wishy washy about me. He said he was sure and he already had a proposal plan, the 1 day was long enough to figure out he doesn’t want to live without me. So we signed the lease and planned to move in together in 4 months. I told him that while I would not put a deadline on him, I wanted him to know that it would make me happier if he did it sooner rather than later, especially once we lived together. After a few drinks one night he told me(without me directly asking) we would be engaged by 2015.
The problem: Fast forward 4 months and we moved in. Things were great, we absolutely loved living together. But still no ring. I told myself I needed to keep being patient by not bringing it up. So for the next 3 months that’s what I did/have been doing. Now here we are, 7 months after our agreement and still no proposal and no evidence of one in the works. He hasn’t asked me anything about rings (I don’t care if I have any part in choosing it but I would feel better if I knew he had one) other than asking me my size 5 months ago. He hasn’t made any romantic plans with me in the future. He hasn’t been to see my parents recently nor has he asked for my dad’s phone number. He wants it to be a surprise so maybe that’s why I see no evidence but it’s driving me insane. He said by 2015, was he pulling my leg?
He’s never broken a promise and he treats me like a queen so I have no reason to doubt him, but why is he dragging this out? I care about his feelings and don’t want him to feel pressured (hence I don’t bring it up) but it’s eating away at my self-esteem that he hasn’t proposed after all this time. I believe that he’s going to do it eventually so it doesn’t make sense that it’s bothering me this much but it is :’( …The first 4 months after the agreement I was fine, but now that we live together I can’t get it out of my head. Right now I feel like shutting him out emotionally to avoid the hurt but I know that will just cause problems. I want him to be happy to propose not do it to stop me from freaking out. I need to wait patiently at least through New Years. But I’m sick of crying all the time, it is totally not like me and I keep having to lie to him about why I’m upset. It’s been like this for two months. Who am I and what did I do with the rational person I usually am? Did any of you bees have an experience like this? How did you stay sane? Did he end up keeping his promise to propose?
TLDR: my boyfriend of 4.5 years promised to propose so I agreed to move in. It’s been 7 months and he still hasn’t. How do I keep my sanity?
This topic was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by lalanono.
Post # 2
Honestly? If it’s eating you up, just ask! My fiancé and I were together for a similar amount of time, and we were always very open in talking about getting engaged. He was just waiting to save up enough, but we still kept an open dialogue about when it would likely happen. Plus, let’s be real here–is an engagement ever really a surprise when you’ve been with someone for such a loooooong time? I think that in the eyes of many people, an engagement becomes sort of expected at a certain point.
Getting engaged involves two people, and you deserve to have some say in it! Just ask him about it in a nonthreatening and encouraging way.
Post # 3
lalanono: I was in a very similar situation. Broke up for a day after 4 years, sudden “revelation” on his part that he wanted to be with me, moved across the country, things went back to normal, broke up with me 6 years in because he still wasn’t sure about me.
Not saying that’s what’s going to happen to you, but in my experience, if a guy’s not proposing (or seriously planning a proposal), it’s because he’s not sure that he wants to marry you (yet, or ever).
Post # 4
glitz91: Good point…how can he be upset at me for just asking what’s up. It’d probably relieve a lot of insecurity if I just heard him say hes we are on the same page once again. Thanks 🙂
Post # 5
SithLady: Thanks I appreciate the honest response…Confirms my instinct not to stick around too much longer (although I will at least wait until he said he would do it).
Post # 6
It sounds like he has a plan! Just under 2 months left. Maybe you could slide that into conversation without elaborating. However, the holidays are a popular time to propose! That could be his plan.
Post # 7
Keep your sanity by holding him to his word.
Write down a deadline on a calendar and stick to it. If he doesn’t propose by New Year’s day, or the end of January, if you’re feeling generous, end the relationship. Don’t tell him about the deadline or your plans to end the relationship, because he set the deadline himself by saying that he would propose by 2015.
He’ll either propose like he said he would or he won’t, so just sit back and keep your deadline in mind. You’ve already made it clear what you want in life and what you intend to do if he doesn’t propose, so it’s all up to him now. Hold him to his word, and leave him if he breaks it. Don’t give him anymore chances if he breaks his word, either; end it for good.
A good way to keep your sanity while waiting these next two months, is to write down your thoughts and feelings. Get all your thinking out on paper, and treat yourself to relaxing baths and other things you like that will put your mind at ease. However, if it’s all too much for you and you need to end the relationship or distance yourself before the end of the year, go ahead and do that. Your health and sanity is what’s most important, so do what’s in your best interest.
Post # 8
I was with a guy for three years, we lived together after a few months of dating and after two and a half years (I was about your age at the time) I began to mention it as well. I felt like it should have already happened with so much time passed by and us living together for three years! Honestly, it ruins it. It wasnt as special because it had been discussed. I would just relax, take a deep breath. Whats the big hurry, I mean, you may not realize it now but you’re only 24!!!!! That is so young! Oh well if youve been together for 4.5 years, you started dating young!! I think if you just drop this in your mind, and let fate take the wheel, it will probably happen when you least expect it. If not, you will either implode this relationship with the underlying pressure, or ruin the specialness of it bc its expected!
Post # 9
Christmas and NYE are super popular holidays to propose on, maybe that’s why he made the deadline what it is? I would hold onto hope there, he said he’d do it, so don’t stop trusting him there. My FI didn’t propose until 8 months after we picked out ring styles we liked. He wanted to wait for the perfect moment.
if he doesn’t, you should stick to your guns.
Post # 10
lalanono: I’m confused: he said he would propose by 2015, and by my calculations we are still in 2014 so why are you freaking out and crying all the time? If you wanted something sooner, you should’ve said that at the time. And just because he hasn’t talked to you about any romantic plans doesn’t mean he hasn’t made any. Have you considered he wants it to be a surprise, just like he explicitly said he wants?? I don’t get the panic.
Post # 11
Well, the good news is that the deadline hasn’t passed yet. The even better news is that you have a firm deadline so you know exactly when to draw the line if he hasn’t proposed yet.
If this is really freaking you out, I think it is probably worth having a gentle ‘check-in’ conversation to see where things are at. If you have any strong feelings about the type of rings you like, you could mention that then. Try to be sweet, loving and understanding when you do this (rather than upset/angry). You’ve dropped the subject for months so if he proceeds to starts accusing you of ‘nagging’ or getting defensive or upset, I would see that as a red flag. Then leave it for the next couple of months and see what happens.
Post # 12
i don’t think it would be a bad ida to touch base and confirm he’s still gunning for ‘by 2015’ for your own sanity. you have a right to an understanding of your future. signs are good if he treats you so well and ha asked re: ring but never hurt to nudge 😉
Post # 13
To be honest I would be pretty upset, it seems like hes dragging his feet again after making promises. Why the wait if he had realised he wants to spend his life with you. Talk is cheap. I’d be ready to walk in January.
Post # 14
You’ve still got a couple more months, and December is engagement season! I wouldn’t sweat it too much, but like PP’s said, make a deadline in your head and stick to it!
Post # 15
I’d wait until the new years, that’s such a popular time for people that he might be planning it for then.