(Closed) Promoting a Bridemaid and Demoting a Matron of Honor.

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
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  • Post # 3
    Member
    204 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I’m so glad I decided not to have bridesmaids.

    I think the concern about the birth being so close to the wedding is a good approach.  You will probably hurt her feelings no matter what you do, but that seems like the best way to frame it, and it is a really legitimate reason.  Maybe you could word it so it sounds a little more like you are wanting to take the burden off her, too.  Like “I’m concerned about the due date being so close the the wedding, partly because I will need to know 100% that my maid of honor will be there and helping me; and partly because the maid of honor’s role is time consuming adn comes with so many obligations.  You have so many things you need to do to prepare for the baby, and I don’t want my wedding to take away from that time.  So, I think the best solution is to have [homegirl] be my maid of honor and take on all those duties and responsibilities.”

    And do you actually have to demote her in title? can’t you still call her your Matron of Honor without giving her any of the duties?  I know people that had both a Maid and a Matron of Honor.  If this would be ok with you, it would probably hurt her feelings less because she gets to keep the title. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    7794 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    In my opinion, Matron of Honor has done nothing wrong. She is not obliged to travel cross country to a bachelorette party or contribute to it. (If other people want to take you to New Orleans that’s their business but it’s a bit rich expecting someone to pay for it who can’t go). She hasn’t “slacked” … she is not obliged to help with flowers or find things for your wedding. If people do that, that’s wonderful, but it’s not obligatory in my book.

    The only issue is the pregnancy.  I always think it’s best to not be in the bridal party if your due date is within a month of the wedding. Your best bet is to talk to her about whether she’s available for the wedding and whether it’s best that she not be in the bridal party.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I agree with @paula1248. It doesn’t really sound like she’s done anything seriously wrong. There’s nothing wrong with her not going to your bachelorette, especially if she’s pregnant (why would she travel so far just to see other people drink?). As for not helping with wedding planning…well, loads of people just don’t care about weddings! It sounds as though she’s tried to help you out with a few things, despite her being busy, so that doesn’t really seem like a valid reason to demote her.

    Given that she’s due around the time of your wedding, though, I think it’s definitely worth you having a chat with her about her availability and whether she still feels capable of being part of your wedding – in a nice way, of course!

    Post # 6
    Member
    9614 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    I agree with PPs she has not done anything wrong at all. do not demote her, but ask if she is still happy to be in the wedding given that she is due around the time of your wedding. leave it up to her

    Post # 9
    Member
    9614 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    well if you want to demote her there is no way to do it really without hurting feelings, only you know the best way to minimise the hurt

    Post # 10
    Member
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @jussanuthagrl:  I think you can completely disregard the Vegas thing – that was a completely seperate incident NINE YEARS AGO. Perhaps she didn’t tell you her exact due date because she was worried you would panic about whether or not she could be there.

    Your comment about her being 100% there is a little confusing – are you expecting her to come to the wedding, then rush off to give birth? Her availability, unfortunately, will depend entirely upon her pregnancy and her health around the the time of giving birth. If you don’t want a MOH that may not be able to attend, then talk with her about it. I’m sure she’ll be reasonable and understand that you want a MOH that can do xyz in the lead-up to the wedding.

    Post # 11
    Member
    8325 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    If her baby comes on your wedding well then you have your wedding minus her but you take the time to give her a call and say congratulations (or if she is still in labour ring to see how she is going). If she decides to continue with being a BM then you make it as comfortable for her as possible (a seat to sit on etc etc). It is up to her to decide whether she is up to it or not and unfortunately she may not be able to decide that until the day of or the week of the wedding. Pregnancy is a funny thing- one day you can feel great and the next you feel blah.

    I think given that she has a baby on the way you can forgive her not wanting to fly across country for or contributing to your bachelorette. I mean babys cost a bundle and her priorities should be towards her family first. I think you are being a little selfish and ungrateful. As for picking up your dress- OMG is she your personal assistant or your friend? Are you incapable of picking up your own dress?

    So she helped her family with some wedding planning and you think she should help you instead of her own family? Sorry but that is a little entitled don’t you think?

    You don’t need someone to be there 100%- you want someone to be there 100%. A lot of people get married everyday without having a bridal party so please I think a little perspective is needed here.

    Stop using her pregnancy as an excuse to kick her out of the wedding- I think that is the worst thing about this post.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2620 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Okay, I will give it to you straight:

    1. Pregnancy trumps wedding. I am sorry; that’s the way it is.

    2. But the other end of it is that if she’s going to be 9 months pregnant when you get married, the delivery itself is not the only issue–she might not be able to wear the dress, she might not be able to wear high-heels, she might not be able to do all the standing at the altar etc. etc.

    3. Existing travel plans, like having a trip on the books for Hawaii, trumps helping your friend shop for a wedding dress. Again, I am sorry; that’s the way it is.

    4. BMs do not have to attend bach. parties. Especially if they require extensive travel and/or expenses.

    5. 2003 is a long time ago. If you can’t forgive her, then maybe you should reconsider the whole friendship.

    6. She may have been more apt to help her cousins because she’s closer to them than she is to you (they are family) OR because she knows that YOU have TWO MOHs and her cousins might have only had her.

    7. There’s no nice way to say “I’m demoting you from being my MOH.”

    What you can do, however, is as a PP suggested and tactfully frame it as a legitimate concern over her due-date. Tell her that you love her and really want her to be part of your day, but you don’t want the stress of your wedding to overwhelm her. And then release her of the responsibilities of being a MOH/BM.

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    1963 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Oh geez… OP, you have been on the bee long enOugh to know that you are going to get slammed for this post (yes, I went back to look if you were a newbee)! PPs have pretty much covered all the points I wanted to make, but I just wanted to note that if you want to continue being friends with this girl (and not come across as entitled), do not bring up any points that you have mentioned above other than your concern for her well being as a none month preggers BM. Let her know that you are really worried about the stress of being so pregnant and a MOH, and that while you would still love for her to stand up for you if it worid with her pregnancy, you tink it would be better to have X take on the MOH responsibilities to relieve some of the stress and let her focus on planning for her baby. And puhlease let her have a BM dress that will work for someone 9 months preggers or that just gave birth, even if it doesn’t match the others!

    Post # 14
    Member
    807 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I can’t believe you got your other maid of honour to beg the people who weren’t going to your bachelorette party so they were made to feel obliged to pay for something that you and your attendees should have been paying for! I would be mortified if my maid of honour did that. If I can’t afford to go on a trip I don’t go, expecting other people to pay for something that is an unnecessary added expense to them on top of what they are already going to have to fork out on travel expenses of their own to attend your wedding and gifts for your wedding is just awful on your part. Yes you probably bought them a wedding gift yourself for their weddings or abirthday gift for their birthday but they probably did the same for you on special occasions in your life and I’m sure they didn’t expect you to pay for their parties or weekends away or whatever.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    If you have been holding a grudge against this person for nine years over something that happened at a bachelorette party (not yours, even) then why did you put her in your bridal party?

    She is not obligated to donate to your “travel fund” (nor is anyone else, and your entitlement there is pretty gross) nor is she required to do your flowers or take on anything else 100%. Yes, it’s likey that you’ll need help with your wedding, but I wish that you could be happy for your friend and her new baby rather than being upset that her pregnancy is preventing her from dedicating herself to your wedding.

    You clearly do not like her, and I think that it would be really terrible of you to use the pregnancy as an excuse instead of being up front about why you don’t want her as an MOH.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1335 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

    hun, if she’s having a baby, her priority is the baby, not your wedding. The wedding is your day (and your FI’s of course), but not anyone else’s. Her full attention needs to be on her and the baby’s health. 

    I agree with what PPs said, just ask her if she’s still interested in being part of the wedding because YOU UNDERSTAND there are more important things in her life, that she may not feel well enough to help with the wedding, and that you don’t want her to feel bad for being fully available. 

    Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t expect bridesmaids to contribute AT ALL to the planning phase. It’s MY wedding, and I’m the one that chose to have it, and with that comes the repsonsibility of planning the whole thing.  Anything our bridesmaids do to help is purely at their own will, and I’m ever so grateful. I just expect them to help me on the day. 

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