Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been looking at property together for 5 months now. We’ve even put an offer on two places now, but – to my relief – we didn’t get either. Anyway, for a while I was letting my excitement about buying property and having a nice place in suburbia override my feeling that we should be waiting until we’re engaged. As my “cold feet” about this got worse, I talked to him about how I thought we should be engaged first and then buy property. He listened to my concerns, but then said he didn’t want to rush engagement and thought it’s important to live together before making a committment. And so I ended up just continuing to look at property with him because I didn’t want him to feel like I was pressuring him into engagement, or that I was using it as an ultimatum.
I just don’t know what to do. He KNOWS I think we should be engaged before buying property, but still we’re continuing to look at places and I don’t have a ring! What should I do? I’ve already changed my mind about buying property with him twice during the 5 month period (i.e. we were looking, and then around Christmas time I said I wanted to wait, and then we started looking again in January and then in February talked to him about wanting to wait till engagement, but then I stupidly continued to look at places). Now we’ve actually put offers on places and are more serious about it than ever, he’s thinking that I’m not really that serious about waiting until engagement.
What should I do??
Post # 3
Sorry but I really don’t like that line of thinking. Sure, living together first is great but buying a house together so you can live together is a whole other thing. You’re already making a committment by purchasing a property together!
I think if you’re not comfortable with the situation as is that you don’t need to be buying a place together.
Post # 4
Your actions speak for themselves; in his eyes, you say one thing (that you want to wait) but then do another (continue to look at property). You have to decide which one you’re more serious about then stick to your guns!
Post # 5
DON”T DO IT.
Seriously, don’t. It sounds like he wants to play house instead of committing to a marriage. It is one thing if you are OK with that, but if you aren’t then don’t do it.
Please, please don’t do it. Do not buy joint (LARGE) assets before you are married!
Post # 6
If you don’t know what to do, error on the side of caution.
I speak from experience when I say DON’T IGNORE THE FEELING IN YOUR GUT!
Post # 7
I was in the same position although we were renting together when we bought our house. I didn’t necessarily give him an ultimatum but we talked and I explained how I felt and he promised that enagegment would come soon after buying our house. We had to make a decision about buying vs. renting until after we were married as our lease was up and getting even more expensive. It made better financial sense to buy a house and we both knew that we would be married soon. He proposed before a year was up – We were in our house for 10 months before he proposed. It wasn’t necessarily the order I wanted to do things in but financially it was the best move for us.
Post # 8
To clarify (as that may be misinterpreted): My post wasn’t saying buy a house it was saying do what is best for you as a couple.
Post # 9
I would listen to your gut on this and NOT make the most significant purchase of your life before you are at the very least engaged — WITH a firm wedding date, but preferrably not until you are actually married. Darling Husband and I settled on our first home six months after our wedding. If you make this purchase now, and anything goes wrong in your relationship, it will be far, far more complicated to extract yourself — and your equity! — from that type of situation.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t do it— in my experience, living with my then SO contributed to a delayed proposal.
Post # 11
Well, I don’t see why he doesn’t want to rush into engagement but he’s willing to rush you into buying property before you’re ready. Basically, just as he spoke up, you need to speak up and stand by it.
Post # 12
@victoria1990: Why can’t he buy it on his own? That way, he still gets property, but you aren’t stuck in it with him. Engagement is nothing compared to breaking up owning property. I’m not engaged but I own, so I know it wouldn’t be easy. (I own it alone, would never do it with a boyfriend or fiance, no way.)
Post # 13
I come at this from a different perspective… we bought property together 2 and a half years ago and our relationship has grown so much through this experience. I obviously dont have any moral or religious reasons against living together before marriage – but if you do, then voice them now.
But having bought a house together, yes it might have delayed an engagement, but we wouldnt be as sure as we are now that we are meant to be together. For my boyfriend he wanted to feel that he could provide and that we were set up well before we contemplated marriage. So, that is what we have done.
We both feel very happy with our choice and we love our little place!