Post # 1
Hi, I was just hoping for some insight/advice on asking for the parents’ blessing before a proposal..
My BF and I have been together for 2 years, and we have both talked about getting engaged sometime after we finish our degrees next spring (I am 21, he is 24). Now we are discussing whether he should ask for my parents blessing before he proposes. I am not and have never been particularly emotionally close with either of my parents, but we are in regular contact and are definitely not on bad terms.. is it a good idea for him to ask? Just to give some context, we live in MN, we are in our early 20’s obviously, and I wouldn’t say either of us is really traditional (and we are not religious), and I am pretty liberal. Of my friends who have gotten engaged and married, most did not ask, as far as I am aware..is this something that is just not done anymore?
I am not sure what my parents’ take on this is. Some reasons why I don’t want my BF to ask would be: I think it would be more fun for the engagement to be a surprise. I am afraid they would tell the whole family and everyone they know, and it just wouldn’t be an exciting surprise when he actually proposes. On the other hand, I wonder if they would just feel more respected if he asked? I feel like they think I am too young to get married, that we should wait until we graduate, and it’s just too soon… we are not sure what to do.
Post # 3
@forever2emma: My husband asked my moms permission (my father is passed) and I would’ve been very disappointed if he hadnt asked BUT my mother and I are veryyyy close and both my husband and I are very traditional. She felt very respected and proud that he had asked and I think it made them closer, that being said… If neither one of you feels like you care about it then there’s no reason to do it. I think it’s totally up to what feels comfortable for you and your bf.
Post # 4
My SO didn’t ask for my father’s blessing, we actually discussed it beforehand and we both felt that was the way to go for us. I love my father dearly, we’ve always been close and he loves my SO, but I didn’t feel it was neccessary for him to formally ask my father for anything beforehand. I know both my parent’s like him a lot, and are happy we are engaged, and that was all we needed. I think it’s something that is falling out of vogue lately, but if it’s something you want to do, by all means, have him ask!
Post # 5
My FI (both 22 when he asked) called both of our dads the night before he proposed to ask their blessing and share a little man talk/advice. We’re both quite close to our families, and we both have quiet dads, so I thought it was a really nice way to include them in that part of our lives. We were also quite young by our community standards, and they were both very supportive. It was actually a lot easier for me to call them after the proposal, knowing that they already knew. They didn’t have to keep the secret long, either!
Actually, thinking back, it was one of my favorite things about our proposal. Our moms are both so chatty that I’m not sure that either of our dads would have gotten a word in edgewise if he didn’t call them separately. It was nice.
Post # 6
my FH didn’t ask my dad (or my mom) and I was/am a little upset by that. He knows my dad quite well, we visit him often. They run errands together and things, there was opportunity. Can’t change it now.
Post # 7
My FI asked my parents, and he knew it was important to me to follow that tradition. Even though I’m pretty liberal both politically and on social issues, I’m very traditional when it comes to my personal relationships. I’m into doing things “properly” and believe that following traditions imbues events with significance. My parents kept everything a secret from me, although I could tell just from FI’s behavior that the proposal was coming soon. I know my parents appreciated the gesture of FI asking them.
If it’s not an important tradition to you or your family, then don’t worry about. However, I wouldn’t worry about your family ruining the surprise. Also, if you’re on the fence, I think it definitely can’t hurt for your FI to ask them.
Post # 8
@forever2emma: My father definitely expected to be asked for permission.
Post # 9
My FI asked my parents and I expected that he would. It’s just a respect thing. Starting the marriage/engagement off on the right foot is so important and I would have been really hurt if he didn’t ask my parents.
Post # 10
I’m an adult, so, no, no permission sought or received. Does this really still happen???
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2015 - Our church and then at The Garden Room for the reception
My SO asked my parents even though I don’t think either of them probably thought it was necessary. I got the impression that my dad thought it was a nice, respectful gesture though.
Post # 12
Nope! Absolutely did not happen. My parents really didn’t care, and as I had been living on my own for years (and WITH DH for a few), I didn’t really see the point.
Post # 13
DH asked, but I think it was more in a sense of “informing” my parents of the news prior to proposing. Other than his best friend and my best friend, they were the only ones out of the family who knew ahead of time.
My dad gladly gave his blessing, but from DH’s recollection of meeting with them, it seemed more of just confirming “Yes, we’re so excited for you!” than an authoritarian “Yes, you now have *permission* to ask her.”
Post # 14
@forever2emma: I honestly think it depends on your values and your parents. I knew FIs parents wouldn’t care about being asked, but I didn’t feel right proposing to him without their blessing. If I’d been more patient, he knows I would have wanted him to ask my parents. They would have greatly appreciated the consideration. Actually, the tradition in the area I’m from is to send a representative on your behalf to ask the parents’ blessing. My dad had his father and brother speak to my mom’s parents. FI would have done the same. I didn’t because his parents wouldn’t have appreciated it as much not being their culture or tradition.
Post # 15
@forever2emma: My FI spoke with both my parents before asking me. He was nervous about it even though he knew they loved him and would be supportive. It meant the world to my parents that he came to them with an open and sincere heart before asking me.
Post # 16
@forever2emma: I told my FI almost a year before he proposed that I wanted him to ask for my parents blessing, mainly my dad’s. He did 2.5 weeks before he proposed. We are more traditional though…so it is up to you. Do your parents know you are talking seriously about marriage and whatnot? My parents knew we had talked about it before and my mom knew it was going to happen anyways since I wouldn’t have moved in with him if I didn’t know that he would be my future husband….and when my FI and I had only dated a couple months she asked about him and if he had a beard. When I told her he did, she said “You always said you were going to marry your dad……” because I always used to say that when I was little.