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I said accept, not because I think it's right or ok but because I think in my panic and knowing people were watching, I know myself well enough that that's probably what I'd do :) In private I hope I'd say "I'll think about it" which I think would be the nicer, more honest thing to do. A friend of mine was proposed to and accepted, the engagement didn't last very long and I think she knew from the start it was a bad idea, since the relationship was already wrong. But she wanted to get married young and didn't want to ruin her proposal, so accepted. Luckily she came to her senses and is now married to a wonderful man who she did not hesitate to say "yes" to :)
I would answer honestly. If my answer is no, I would very gently say no (like, try my best not to cause a scene, but still say no). I don't think it's right to say yes and then later say no, personally. First of all, that's pretty hard on his feelings, (I would be pretty upset if I proposed to someone and they said yes and faked being excited and then later said no. Much more upset than if they had just said no to begin with. I'd be crushed infact.), and plus if he knows any of the people he proposed infront of, I think it's way more embarrassing to have to go back to those people and explain the engagement isn't happening after they already started celebrating for him. Bottom line, if the answer is no, say no. If you honestly aren't sure, say that. Don't string someone along with a yes (unless you mean it)... I think that's pretty mean, no matter the circumstances.
If he is proposing in front of a crowd, than he should be prepared for the possibility of her saying no and be mentally ready for that. This is why marriage should be discussed before hand, and decisions should be made together. The guy shouldn't just propose without knowing how his girl feels about that, imo. Especially if he is planning a big elaborate public proposal.
I really don't understand how someone can be so out of touch in their relationship where they think it is leading to mariage but the other partner is not ready. I don't say this to offend any waiting bees it is just a foreign concept to me. Before you plan an elaborat TV proposal, I would assume you at least talked about the possibility of getting married.
If someone proposed to me and I was not ready, I think I would say no out of instinct. I can imagine I would be shocked and honesty would be the only opten when put on the spot.
This actually happened to me, right after high school so I was about 18. It wasn't in front of anyone else, thankfully. It was a guy I'd been friends with and very casually dated for a few months. I knew his feelings were stronger and for some reason his parents ADORED me (that was NOT usually the reaction I got from parents, lol)... anyway I tried very hard to not lead him on and keep it casual. We had a lot of fun together and he was a super nice guy but I really wanted to make it clear that we weren't serious... I guess his hopes lied elsewhere.
Anyway he proposed to me while we were sitting in the tree swing in my mom's front yard. It wasn't an on the knee thing and he had no ring. Thank goodness! It was more "casual"... but still freaked me out.
I said no right away. I was very gentle about it and I was very flattered and told him so but I didn't see any point in getting his hopes up. We didn't see each other much after that. Years later he found me on classmates.com and we chatted and he was divorced with a couple kids.
Sadly I remember his sister more often than I remember him. (she was GORGEOUS).. so what does that tell ya?
Anyway that's how I handled it. I hope I handled it gracefully but I was 18 and it totally took me by surprise!
I put accept in front of others, but I think it depends who the others are. If we're at a restaurant full of strangers or on the jumbotron at a sporting event, I'd say yes to avoid embarrassing him in public. (And tell him as soon as the focus was off of us. Like within 5 minutes.) But if it's in front of friends/family, I'd have to say no outright because I don't think it would be any less embarrassing for him to have to reveal later to these people that the wedding wasn't happening.
I would say no. I couldn't bring myself to let someone get so excited and happy and then to let them down later in private. I would much rather just tell them straight.
I would probably say something ambiguous, like, "Wow, what can I say?" and put the ring on. Then as soon as we weren't with people, the poo would hit the fan.
Poor guy!
I COMPLETELY agree, Slicey! Honestly, he should KNOW the answer before he asks you. Know beyond the shadow of a doubt. If he asks me prematurely (ie i'd say no), well, it happens. I'm not going to lie to him and get his hopes up and say yes, when really, in my heart, i know i'll take it back later and say, "oh by the way....i really meant 'no'".
I would say no straight out. I am not very good at hiding emotions or lying so even if I said yes (which I probably couldn't bring myself to do), it'd be really obvious what I was actually thinking.
I would outright say "No" on the spot.
As a guy, you should not be asking a girl to marry you if you both haven't discussed marriage, proposal, spending the rest of your life together. As a guy, you should already know that she'll say "Yes". So if you're not bright enough to have had these discussions, you kind of deserve the repercussions.
I would have to accept and let him down in private...... I'm not much for a show so it would have to be something I did in private.
I would say no. In my opinion, it's terribly cruel to let the guy THINK you're saying yes when really you're just trying to save face.
How is accepting right then and there then letting him down "gently" after the crowd is gone any better than just saying no? The first option would be worse in my opinion because then he would have to turn around and tell everyone you accpeted then turned around and said no which to me is worse! So, i vote for telling him outright no then letting him take the reprecussions.
Interesting responses….they have definitely given me a different perspective to look at it from. I agree with other posters who think that marriage should have been discussed prior to a proposal. In regards to how to handle the situation, there is no “perfect” solution to an unwanted proposal. Either way, the individual is hurt…maybe the reality of receiving a no in front of everyone is the right way to handle it…...but again, there is no perfect way to handle this. I think it matters who is there. If it is family, I think it’s better to say no. If it is total strangers who you will never see again, does that change the situation? Thanks for the responses from everyone….I like to see other perspectives :-).
Although I don't feel it's right to be less than honest with anyone, I do suspect that I would say yes if asked publically to spare him any humiliation. I could then later tell him that I thought about it and realized for whatever reason that it wasnt the best thing for either of us. That way, he could later tell his friends and family that we mutually broke it off rather than having to be rejected in front of them.
This is a tough one. What kind of situation are you in? Are you dating a sweet guy? Do you share a lot of the same interests? If you say yes in public then tell him no in private, then he has to explain why he isn't planning a wedding. This is a major problem especially for men from Greek families (you've seen the movie LOL).
I think the reality of the situation is this. Coming from a guy, being told No is an incredible emotional shot of personal self destruction. We may not admit it, but that's a major blow to our psyche, and our pride.
That being said. The answer should and always remain no(if you strongly feel that way). If you feel that way, no need to lie. Just come out and say it. I think the biggest thing, is that if you have an idea as to when the proposal is coming, and you don't feel strongly about it, I'm pretty sure a woman's intuition would actually let the guy know that he's entering territory he should steer clear of. Either that, or he's just stupid.
I'd look at it more as a sign of respect from the girls side had I been told no in front of everyone. It looks clear from the get go that she doesn't want it, or isn't ready. While if the man doesn't start breaking down and crying, and has pride about it. Makes him come off even more gentleman like.
@malkamaniac: thank you for your post :-). I was curious what a man thought about this subject.
@BarackObamaSucks: Is this really a major problem with Greek men? Innnneresting.....
@Corykru: It's all good. Everyone usually comes to me for advice anyways. I'm somewhat spectacular.
woooow.... dating only a couple months??? and he propsed on tv?? was he hoping the pressure would make her say yes??? and really? if you watch her expression, she knew what was coming and had a look of horror on her face!!!!
however, I will say that I was proposed to (sorta) not once, but TWICE by my brother's best friend. and by sorta, I mean it wasn't the "down on one knee with ring" proposal. he ALSO didn't expect the "no". big surprise!!!
it was, I kid you not the first time: "If you want a ring, we can go get one"
WOW. what a GREAT proposal! thank you, but no.
the second time was even better. I was already in a relationship with my FI and saw this coming when he called me and asked me to stop by so "we could talk".
He asked if we could try to have a relationship again (high school crush on my part followed by two years of on-off dating) and I gently told him there was NO WAY it would work out between us. He then (gotta LOVE this for romance) said: well, it's a good thing I didn't go get the ring.
AND, he SWEARS he never proposed. Well, of course not, the ass NEVER BOUGHT THE F'ing RING!!!!
(sorry, but that STILL irks me... not just his so-called proposals, but his cheapness AND his execution... not to mention he'd told me his "reasons" for wanting to get married. His main one being so he could "have someone to help around the farm and to have kids" so he could "keep the farm". WOW... romantic, huh?)
oh, and he's now married and during the engagement asked if we could be "friends with benefits" um. NO. He knew I was engaged and I have a daughter with my FI. idiot.
I want to feel bad for the guy, but really... that's sad. I don't understand how someone can be so far off the same page as their partner.
And kudos to her for trying to be as nice as possible - "Can we talk about this later?" I mean, she could have screamed, "EW, NO!" I think I would have reacted much like her.
Now, I can't judge the "dating a few months" as being the problem, because FI and I only dated for one month before he bought the ring, and he proposed a month later. But we knew very early on that we really clicked, and we talked about moving in together and other future events almost immediately. The key words there, of course, being we talked about it!
I find this scenario difficult to consider because I believe that couples should talk about the potential for marriage before the actual proposal. I'm always surprised that girls are "surprised" when their boyfriend proposes. Yes, I believe they should be surprised at when and how, but not that he actually is proposing, if that makes any sense. I'm curious to read what others think about this...
@CapeBoundBride: I have at agree with that. You shouldn't be surprised that he wants to marry you and is asking, but rather the when and how.
Although, speaking from experience, I can honestly say that some men are just oblivious to how the woman feels. (See my above post for reference and the full story on my experience.) So, yeah, I can see how that could happen.
I've also seen stuff on news channels (like GMA) about how guys think that by proposing in public pressures the girl into saying "yes". (Like she couldn't say no and ream him later, lol).
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Hey Bees First post started…. Yay :-D.
So I saw this online the other day and it got me thinking…..
What would I do if someone proposed to me and I did not want to say yes? (Ironic because I am waiting very not so patiently for my BF to “officially” propose LOL)
I have seen women run away or outright reject the guy on the spot….I think I would temporarily say yes and then take him to the side and let him down gently….I would feel cruel saying no in front of everyone and embarrass him.
How would you handle this? I am curious what you all think :-).
Here is the link (LIVE television fail):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJS5tUsZYOg&feature=related