Post # 1
So last night me and the BF had a good night, he cooked me dinner and cookies! Then we watched a movie and looked at wedding stuff online (venues). I started thinking about my post from yesterday and if I should ask him about the proposal deadline and I couldnt get myself to say anything! So we are just laying there and he asked me what was wrong and I told him my back was hurting, which was true (and the reason I wasnt as close to him) and he waited a few seconds and then asked “what else?” I told him that I was just in a weird mood from looking at the wedding stuff and he asked why. I basically explained my frustration with looking at things and planning stuff and having no idea when he could possibly be proposing and that for all i know it could be 7 plus months away and it just makes me feel crappy. He expressed that he loves planning and that its going to happen….he got worried that I was having second thoughts about marrying him and I explained that it was quite the opposite! Im just sad bc looking at all that stuff gets me excited and that if he would tell me “hey look, its not going to be really soon (end of the year)” I could just relax and kinda put things on the back burner. He didnt like that idea at all. He said I would get upset if he told me that and be grumpy with him and think hes been leading me on. And I was like…well not really, to me it would seem more like leading me on for you to keep talking about it and letting me think it could be any day now and then 6-8 months pass without anything…THAT will make me grumpy. UGH!
We talked about the fact that we want a Fall 2011 wedding. I said that he has a year before we plan to get married and I feel like he is going to take as much of it as he wants to propose to me and it worries me. He said obviously he isnt going to take a year to propose if we are planning to get married in a year. Which I clarified by saying yes, but as of right now its 12 months away….if you wait a while then that cuts down planning time. I told him I didnt understand how a guy (any guy) can talk about getting married all the time, plan stuff with his girlfriend and enjoy doing it but NOT want to get engaged. And he said “Have I said that??” (referring to the not wanting to get engaged) and I said “Do I have a ring on my finger???” and then crickets…and he grabbed my hand and touched the ring thats on my ring finger (which is just an engraved silver ring my mom gave me a long time ago) and I said NOT that one, and we kinda laughed a little.
So I asked what he wanted…and he said he wants to keep looking at stuff and getting ideas and sorta planning and that he likes it, he really wants to keep our eyes out for a venue but said that he does not want to go visit any right now, he wants to save that for when we are engaged. I agreed that I would feel really silly going without having a ring. He said he wants me to go to the bridal shows bc he thinks I could get some really good ideas and know what to expect and have a head start, but that if I feel horrible going and not being engaged that its fine. He thinks I should go though and just tell them we are planning an Oct 2011 wedding and they dont need to know anything else, but that feels fake to me.
I feel horrible, bees!! Last night talking made me feel better and now rehashing it just makes me want to cry. He has dropped too many unintentional hints that it wont be happening soon. I really really dont think hes trying to throw me off either. He didnt give me a proposal timeline…and I dont know what else to do except sit and deal with it. 🙁
Post # 3
I’m sorry he didn’t give you any firm dates. It does sound like he really wants to get married though, so that’s a good thing!
I just don’t understand what’s with guys not wanting to get engaged, but being completely ready for marriage….
Post # 4
Trust me, guys are weird. I was in EXACTLY the same position you were. I had to tell him, if you want to be married by this time next year, and I am not engaged, it ain’t happening. I NEED time to plan something. You just don’t get up and go. That set him up straight. Um, I didn’t get a proposal immidiately after that tho’ 🙁
Post # 5
My FH and I talked for almost 2yrs about getting engaged and married and our wedding before we actually did.. it was SO frustrating. It sounds like you are pretty much engaged and just waiting for the ring, which is ok! It will come, especially since he really seems so gung-ho about getting married and you guys have even picked a potential date. I agree that guys can be incredibly WEIRD when it comes this kind of thing; I think they stress out more about money/taking care of you/providing for you and a future family. Chin up, lady, and I hope it comes soon!
Post # 6
I’m going to see him today during my lunch hour…I’m really thinking of saying “You apparently don’t want to give me a time line for a proposal, but I would like to just let you know that I really would like more than 6 months to plan our wedding…I hope you take that into account.”
I am having a really hard time right now with not getting MAD!
Post # 7
Have you thought about just going ahead and picking a date? When I was waiting for my FI to propose I picked a date (on my own, not telling him, although he knew in a broad sense when) and started stealthily planning from there. That made me a little more secure about the planning thing.
After my FI proposed he told me he’d had the ring for 6 weeks! Those were the worst 6 weeks ever, too. I don’t know what the hell they’re thinking sometimes!
Post # 8
Men like to fix things, or offer solutions to fix things. They love it when they think something is their idea. Give him an ‘issue’ to fix. Say, this is the problem with our preferred wedding date: your vague timeline makes it impossible/improbable for that to happen. Lay it out for him, and tell him how much time it takes to plan a wedding and why. Venues need to be booked with ample time, dresses/tuxes have to be ordered in x amount of time, caterers need x amount of notice, etc etc etc. Tell him that if he wants to be married by such and such time, then the proposal needs to happen by x date. If not, then y’all will have to move your wedding date to futher in the future. I know, it hurts to even think, much less utter those words, but hopefully that reality will spur him to realize he needs to get his butt in gear!
Post # 9
Maybe he really wants the proposal to be special and a surprise? Guys don’t suggest you go look at vendors unless they really want to get married, so you don’t have to doubt his seriousness. I can imagine how incredibly frustrated you are, but try to be patient! In the long run you’ll probably be happy to have the memory of being surprised when he went down on one knee and busted out the ring.
Post # 10
I say this as kindly as I can. I was in exactly your situation. My fiance and I had looked on-line, watched wedding shows together, and had essentially decided on a winter wedding. We looked at venues and narrowed it down to three. And then I started asking “why are we doing all this if we aren’t engaged?” I got frustrated at times and then would keep asking. My best friend (he’s male) says to me stop mentioning it and back off. Pushing him only makes it worse. So I just stopped asking. I didn’t stop “on-line” planning though I figured why not make decisions if I can ahead of time. November passed and then December and I remember getting upset again thinking we will never have time to get all of this stuff done if he wants to get married next winter. I didn’t mention it to him though just complained to my BFF and my sis. Then I thought maybe Valentine’s day and that passed too. I finally thought to myself if he doesn’t propose this year will I break up with him? My answer was no. He was the one I knew that.
One week later on Feb 20th we went to NYC and when we got to grand central station he handed me a card. He claimed he found it in his bag and it was suppose to be for V-day. It was so sweet and I started welling up. I looked over at him and there he was with an open ring box. He then asked “Well what do you say?” and was crying and laughed and said, “You didn’t ask me anything yet”. We giggled and he said “Please do me the honor of being my wife”
He was so nervous and it was so sweet. On our 4th date we went into the city (we’re from CT) and he told me that one day he would make me his wife. I remember thinking he was crazy, but that’s where he proposed, in that same spot.
Needless to say we are getting married this year 12-11-10. We planned the whole thing needing just the 10 months. Because we had decided on so many things already in the “pre-wedding” planning. We had all the majors done i.e. venue, florist, DJ, etc within a month.
We had conversations later about what took him so long and he said because I kept asking he thought that proposing would never be a surprise. He didnt’ want to ring shop together or discuss how to get engaged he wanted to do it all on his own, so that I would have a sweet proposal story. 🙂 Give him time and don’t pressure him. It was the best advice I ever got!
Post # 11
@mwitter80: Thank you for that 🙂 What a sweet story! I think that is great advice for us “Waiting Bees” 🙂 Hopefully we will have the same outcome soon!
Post # 12
I do think that is good advice…I’m trying to let it sink in so I actually use it!
I really dont want to know his proposal date, idea, when, where etc. I want to know his not going to propose date. As in…”I am not planning to propose before 2011″ that way I can relax and not be thinking every little thing we do could possibly be him asking. It would make me feel better!! If he would just come out and say that I would be okay with just not planning anything at all right now…I am not ok with talking about our wedding if he is not wililng to put a ring on my finger right now…but I AM OK with not having a ring on my finger for now. Its not that I have to have it now, its that I dont want to get myself all excited for nothing and be on this rollercoaster. If now is not the time, then its not the time and he should say that and when he is ready to propose we can plan then. If he waits until there isn’t enough time to plan between the proposal and Oct 2011 thats his fault and it will just have to be moved at that point. Cross the bridge when we get to it. Its like I told him before…you dont decorate for Christmas and talk about it all year when its way far off….but a few months before Ive been known to listen to a carol or two to get myself in the spirit, bc its right around the corner. I want to enjoy our relationship as it is without the thoughts of engagement. In order to do that I want him to tell me its not going to happen right now…
Post # 13
And then you’ll feeling will be hurt. It will start a fight and perhaps ruin the relationship. If you are really OK with not having the ring than you wouldn’t be asking for a not proposing date. Be honest with yourself. Knowing won’t make it any better.
Post # 14
@mwitter80: That is a great story! Easier said than done though. I know all of us “waiting bess” will look back and have that encouraging spirit like you do. But right now it SUCKS especially when we know how long it takes to plan a wedding and when we want to get married.
My issue is I want a beach destination wedding (DW) if he proposed today we would have about 8 months. Which is perfect but everyday passes makes it harder to plan for next year and virtually impossible. I’ve pre-plan alot date, colors, venue (almost certain) and just ideas in general. This will be small and intimate but the guests need time and we need to start paying for things. It sounds selfish but I do not want to push the wedding back another year. Because DW for us will have to be in the summer. We’ve been together 3 years already. And it will be 4 by the time the wedding comes (if it happens next summer). So adding another year making our relationship hit the 5 year mark before our wedding is out of the question for me. That’s two years before I can get prego and another year before our baby would arrive. UH UN!
I’ve stressed and stressed that after my birthday (in 2 wks) is toooo late and after the New Year is impossible for me to bear. I don’t think I will be able to go into the New Year without a proposal!
Post # 15
@mwitter80: I honestly think false hope is worse than knowing the truth. I see what you are saying though, but if knowing won’t make it any better…and waiting doesn’t make it better, that doesn’t really leave any other option. So do I keep talking and planning with him when he brings it up but other than that keep my mouth shut and just hurt anyways? Bc I think it hurts being in the complete dark.
Post # 16
I know how you feel. I guess you could call me engaged without the ring. We have a date, we have a place, but I do not have a ring on my finger. I feel a little silly about booking a place without actually being engaged. We knew we wanted a Fall 2011 wedding and there was only one weekend that would work. So after he and my dad had ‘the talk’ we went forward with getting our venue. However the boy is actually pushing to pick other things out, like the band, etc. I’ve put a stop to anything else until there is some kind of hand jewlery 🙂 All we can do is wait. Don’t get me wrong, after some wine I have been known to ask how much longer and pitch a fit like a 5 year old. Usually he just hands me some water and tells me its time to lay down.
I’m pretty sure your boy has it all figured out in his head just like mine. Mine says he wants it to be special. Apparently making is special is a lengthy process…blah! During my wine induced outbursts, I have gotten that the month it will happen in ends in R. I’m pretty sure i then starting complaining about how many ‘R’ months there are.
My point is, if he’s talking about it, he’s ready. It just takes some times for them to get it how they want it. I surprisingly think they are more into the details of the proposal than we give them credit for.