Proposing without serious discussion about marriage??

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
  • poll: Before the actual proposal...
    We discussed getting married very thoroughly - details, picked out ring, timeline, etc. : (71 votes)
    44 %
    We discussed that we wanted to get married and created an approximate timeline : (52 votes)
    32 %
    We said something very vague like "Maybe we'll get married one of these days" : (27 votes)
    17 %
    No discussion. Total shock. : (12 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2052 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m not engaged yet….But we’ve discussed marriage, timelines, moving together, what our wedding will be like….It’s just a matter of time. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    6866 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

    @mscuppycake:  I’m a planner, so no, we definitely discussed it and I was very involved. The proposal itself was a surprise in that I didn’t know what was planned or where it would be, but I knew it was coming because we picked the ring together and I was there when he purchased it. He also asked my family’s permission beforehand, and I was there, but not in the room for the discussion.

    Post # 5
    Member
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I bought my dress before I was engaged, we were moving and I wanted to go dress shopping and have a girls day and I couldn’t do that when we moved. 

    So he just told me to plan it, gave me a credit card and that was that. 

    He proposed about a month later.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2562 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I thought we had discussed things before we got engaged, but AFTER we got engaged I realized that I was mistaken – our discussions about marriage, our goals, and our relationship were much more in-depth after we got engaged.
    I guess because things got serious! 😀

    Post # 7
    Member
    1599 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @mscuppycake:  my DH and I discussed wanting to marry eachother but didn’t make a timeline or anything like that. We had spoken many times over the 3 years we were just friends about our goals for the future and kids and those types of things, so we didn’t really need to discuss them in a “real” conversation…we just knew we were on the same page.

    I don’t really think anyone could be completely surprised by a proposal, as in “omg i didnt know he wanted to marry me.”  That makes no sense.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2581 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

    @mscuppycake:  I selected the ‘vague’ option, because whilst we knew we were going to get married, that was a definite, we didn’t have any timeline and we didn’t do any planning or ring shopping together. The ‘when’ of the proposal was very much a surprise, but the fact that we did get engaged wasn’t really because we had always said we would.

    Post # 9
    Member
    111 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    My husband and I had talked many times about what we wanted for the future (kids, etc.) and acknowledged that we weren’t “going anywhere” (i.e. didn’t have any intentions of breaking up), but we never had a conversation specifically about getting married.  He knew I wanted to talk about everything before getting engaged, but I think he worried that I wouldn’t commit to any sort of timeline (I’m terribly indecisive and must reason through every single possibility before making big decisions) so he chose to spring the proposal on me instead.  Part of me wanted to kill him for doing so, but I think he was chastized enough by waiting what felt like ages (probably less than a minute really) for me to say yes (I was in shock!).  All turned out well, but I really wish we had had a real discussion about it in advance.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1400 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    We had a lot of talks about our future together, and a theoretical future “event,” and we looked into choosing rings together, but I was really picky and we decided he would propose with a whimsical, inexpensive ring. But I don’t think we talked about marriage itself that much, because it became clear fairly early on that that’s where we were headed in, and because of the online dating site we met through, we had a really good idea of eachother’s values going in. 

    ETA: We gradually decided it would be during a 9 month window, because when I first realized I was going to marry this man, eventually, I didn’t quite feel ready to be engaged, and at a later point he asked me if I would be disappointed if it didn’t happen by a certain time, and I said yes, and figured out when that was. He proposed less than 3 months into the window. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1287 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    For me, the important conversation I had with my SO – MONTHS before he actually proposed – was ensuring he wanted marriage and a family.  I could not be with someone whom did not share those same dreams/aspirations.  Luckily for me/us, he did, and that is where the conversation sorta kinda began and ended for me.  We lived together, and had a solid idea of one another’s values and finances at that point as well.

    There were times, after 2+ years together I re-invited the conversation about a proposal and marriage,  because I needed to know he was *still on the same page*, and well, I was *ready*, but according to him he still needed more time – which was fine.  Those were the only other conversations we had.  There was no timeline, or a date/year we discussed heavily.  We never really dicussed a wedding day, per se.  We knew we wanted kids, and knew that since I would be in my early-mid 30’s when we wed, we would start trying after marriage….

    The engagement was a complete surprise for me. I thought it would come much later than it did.  Since then, we have had a LOT of discussions about marriage, but they are being had after the proposal. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    644 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    We discussed getting married and having a life together, not the actual details of anything wedding related. The proposal was not a surprise because I knew he’d be asking, it was just the right time in our life.

    Post # 13
    Member
    272 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    We had discussed that we would move in together when my lease was up and that his 5 year plan included getting married and having kids (mine was more like a 2 year plan LOL). His proposal was a total and complete surprise! He picked out the ring all on his own, asked my parents permission and planned a weekend away. If I had of known a proposal was coming, I wouldn’t have drank so much wine before dinner haha!!

    I love that it was unexpected Smile

    Post # 14
    Member
    2962 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Near the beginning of the relationship I did discuss what I wanted out of life and I had a timeline of which I wanted it. I had been scarred by another relative’s relationship where he dated (and lived with) his gf for 8 years. She raised his children he had with someone else and then he just jumps up and marries someone else he met on the internet only after 6 months of knowing her! I told DH (BF at the time) if he doesn’t know whether he wants to be with me after 4 years of being together (we were living together soon after we started dating) then he would never know. He proposed to me a month shy of 4 years.

    Post # 15
    Member
    5421 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @mscuppycake:  I wasn’t sure how to vote, as the options don’t strictly apply to us.

    We never really set a timeline or deadline; we were happy to get married whenever, likely either after I’d completed my studies, or a year or so before, but we didn’t have a specific ‘deadline’ (eg ‘We must get engaged within 2 years/we have to get married before 30’).

    I found a ring I loved (finally!) and showed him, but we didn’t pick it out together/reseach it etc, and when I showed him I had no idea he was planning on proposing so soon (he proposed about 6 weeks later; I’d been thinking he’d propose 6-18 months later).

    Otherwise, I’m not sure we really discussed marriage, other than in vague terms (ie it was something we both wanted).

    For us, future goals/aspirations and marriage do not go hand in hand; we have always discussed our goals and aspirations (both shared and personal), and for me being in agreement on key issues would be just as important even if we never wanted to get married; for me, they aren’t things you should be discussing just because you’re getting married/engaged. So, for us, the two were kind of separate, and the only thing we really needed to discuss in terms of marriage was whether or not it was something we both wanted (it was).

    As for the proposal: as I said it was way sooner than I expect and a complete surprise; but it wasn’t a shock.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    7261 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    We talked about getting married openly, read a book called “101 Questions to ask Before you Get Engaged”, and looked at rings together before we got engaged. There was no question where it was leading, but we did not discuss any sort of timeline.

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