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I live with my FI and have been paying him a small amount of money ($450) a month to help out with bills or whatever he wants to put it towards. I know this is not a large amount of money to help out but my job currently does not pay me a lot (although I am looking at a promotion soon, which has already been announced but is not a closed deal as of yet). Anyway, I didn't want to live with him for free so $450 was the agreed amount to help out.
Recently, he proposed (joking at first) that I could just pay him $250 a month to save money if I would perform certain sexual favors for him (ok to be blunt . . . swallowing after a bj) when he asked.
I laughed it off and a week or so went by. We were at the grocery store and he brought the subject up again, asking if we were going to make this deal.
So bees. . . how should I feel about this? First reaction is . . . wow am I a prostitute/slut? Second (more joking reaction). . . $1800 in savings before the wedding (totally not serious about that though).
I just don't know how to feel about him even bringing this up. :/
DH used to say stupid stuff like that all the time. Finally I told him how those comments made me feel. He hasn't done it since. I really do think that they think they are being funny, but you just have to take the time to tell them they are being hurtful and not funny and I think it should stop.
I think this is one of the craziest things I've ever heard lol. Not necessarily in a bad way though. My boyfriend and I are all the time making wierd deals that other ppl would probably think are insane. I would say you can't be a prostitute if you are already engaged to be married to the guy, so you might as well learn to contain your gag reflex ;)
That's offensive... :-/
I think you should feel offended...
Nobody should be pressured into doing anything any sexual "favors" that they aren't comfortable with. And they DEFINITELY shouldn't pay for them. I'm shocked that he would even suggest that. Ew.
I'm so sorry if that seems harsh... I'm creeped out on your behalf!
OH my! Although FI knows better than to say anything like that to me (I kind of already do it anyway ;) )I agree with KatNewby on this one! You're already engaged and are going to be married! Maybe this is his way of getting you to do it??? Lol. Has he asked you to do this before without money being involved?
@Firestarter: Are you freakin' kidding me? My honest instant reaction? If my FI seriously meant that, that would be a deal breaker. How dare he reduce your presence in his life, living together, to a matter of you swallowing, and make it seem like he's doing you the favor of paying him less towards rent/utilities. It is belittling, demeaning and downright wrong. I'd tell him I'd found a better deal moving in with a friend - saving money, and my pride.
@jayebaby: I agree. Even if it's not what he intends, it sounds like he is trying to pressure you into something you are not comfortable with, and that is not appropriate.
Meh, I don't think its a big deal. You are getting married to the guy. If it really bothers you, then you should talk to him about it. If it doesn't bother you, then "down the hatch" lol.
The first time I would think it was a joke. The second time he would say it to me I would be insulted. If he's not happy sexually he shouldn't have to bribe you through money and savings; he needs to talk to you about it. Disrespectful IMO.
@KatNewby: I would say you can't be a prostitute if you are already engaged to be married to the guy, so you might as well learn to contain your gag reflex ;)
I would disagree with that. He's asking her to do something and in return she will pay less rent. I also believe that it is rape when a husband forces his wife to have sex when she said no even though they are married. Your relationship status doesn't change that act. She's low on cash, he knows it and he says he'll give her a lower amount to pay every month if she performs a sex act. That's unfair. She doesn't like doing it, but money is tight. I would be so pissed and offended. OP, tell him how you are feeling, if he seriously is joking, he should stop.
I just wanted to add this: How can anyone get sexual satisfaction out of something that disgusts/offends/is not appealing to their partner? Maybe I am reading way too far into this but this but I can't imagine getting any pleasure out of something I had to bribe my man to do. I would feel vaguely sadistic by even suggesting it. I just can't wrap my head around being aroused by something the other party didn't want to do.
It's not that I don't give him oral pleasure. I do every time we are intimate. I just cringe at the thought of finishing in my mouth.
I swear cum is such a disgusting texture. . . like oysters (and I am not a seafood girl) or phlegm when you are sick.
If it bothers you don't do it. It doesn't sound like he's forcing you. But on the other hand, if you didn't mind it- then I would see nothing wrong with it. Couples all have different "agreements"- who am I to judge?
@Firestarter: Then that should be the end of it and he should respect it. You don't like it, end of story. Trying to get you to do it anyways through by way of bribery with money is disrespectful to you. I don't care if you are marrying the guy; it's a level of respect he is clearly missing.
If Danny asked me that SERIOUSLY (not in an actual joking manner) he'd get slapped. Not condoning violence here, but he'd get smacked. He'd never do that, though. I don't do sexual favors for cash.
I think he is trying to communicate his sexual desires without directly opening the subject. If this is something you have protested in the past then maybe he is trying another approach. Either way, if you are uncomfortable doing what he has asked (physically, morally) then you shouldn't. But, maybe you should have a talk about each other's needs in the bedroom in an open and constructive fashion?
As to the money savings, is he contributing to the wedding fund or is it primarily your job? Maybe you two need to restructure the financial contributions and can find a happy middle ground?
And I don't think his intention is to make you feel like a prostitiute. Maybe he thought the proposition would give you both something you wanted?? Good luck, and remember: men aren't always the best communicators.
@Firestarter- You clearly do not like this. Women are so often forced to play the pornstar and swallow(no pun intended) their emotions regarding sex. Painful sex, spanking, swallowing, slapping the clitoris... These are all things I have heard many women saying they put up with and pretend to enjoy. You should only do these things if YOU enjoy them. This is horrible. I'm so tired of this. Sex should be liberating, freeing, and full of fun experimentation that you are COMFORTABLE with. I am so sick of hearing men manipulate and pressure women into accepting this. I am all for stretching your sexual boundaries. If you want it in your mouth, take it in your mouth. But it's YOUR choice, not something to barter with.
Id take the first comment as a joke. If it was brought up again I dont think it is. So, my take, is that he is willing to cover more of the household expenses as long as you swallow. That'd be a deal breaker for me; I honestly cant even imagine my SO doing that. I would find it disrespecful as well as using your lack of funds against you. Money and sex are not weapons.
I'd brush off the first comments as a random idiotic statement. I'd be offended the next time he said something. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him how it makes you feel to hear him say that. It's not OK for him to bribe you into doing things you don't want to. It's really, really wrong and I would feel like he didn't respect my wishes.
I'd brush off the first comments as a random idiotic statement. I'd be offended the next time he said something. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him how it makes you feel to hear him say that. It's not OK for him to bribe you into doing things you don't want to. It's really, really wrong and I would feel like he didn't respect my wishes.
@jayebaby: "Sex should be liberating, freeing, and full of fun experimentation that you are COMFORTABLE with" ....this, and everything else you have said on this topc: I agree!
meh, it depends on your dynamice of a relationship.
I can see how people might get offended but if this was my relationship it was pretty much be a joke.
Maybe he realized that if he asked you to pay less would make you feel incompetant financially he decided to put a spin on it?
Honestly, unless he makes lots of deals like this in other ways don't stress about it. He probably just wants to eas your burden.
There is truth in jest. Though he may have been "only joking" to start, clearly, he seriously wants this to happen. It is one thing to communicate sexual desires to someone, and it is another thing entirely to do it in exchange for money. I agree with PP that their relationship status shouldn't dictate her obeying this particular sexual request, nor is it necessary to bring up their other financial needs or obligations toward their wedding. This is about him asking her to swallow for money, and I strongly encourage her to express to him how she feels about it.
I am talking to him about how it makes me feel tomorrow. (He is working his 24 hour shift at the Firehouse today).
I do not however feel that he was actually serious about the money. I know he would probably like me to "finish him off" that way a little more often and we will sit down and discuss this.
It is not something that is going to make me throw up my hands and move out. We are a very open and happy couple. We talk about everything and work out the kinks if there are any. I truly think he was just using his crude firehouse humor to be funny, but me being me took it differently and I should have talked to him about it right away. (Which is why I plan on doing just that tomorrow).
@Firestarter: Good. Glad to know you will both be having an honest talk about it.
Honestly, if everything else is great and there is and never has been any form of belittling or abuse, he probably was trying to express his desires in a 'joking' fashion in case of being rejected or told he is gross/disgusting. Its never fun being rejected... so maybe the veil of joking 'hey, save your money. you can just swallow instead.' made him feel 'safer' and a chance to backpedal.
Communication can resolve the emotional, sexual & money issues you face, I'm sure :) And remind him he can speak directly to you instead of suggesting you barter sexual favors with him. Forgive the man if he honestly didn't mean to offend, as we all know men can be silly sometimes.
Honestly, I agree with those who said he was joking and trying to put his desires out there without actually coming out and saying it. I really don't think the comments were meant to make you feel like a slut or like he wants you to be a prostitute. Guys are idiots about this sort of thing most of the time.
I think it's good that you're going to have an honest conversation with him about it. Just let him know how it makes you feel and see what you guys can work out.
I guess it really depends on the situation and the dynamics of your relationship as a whole, which I don't think we can really have informed comments on. Sounds like a good idea talking to him about it - you could just be taking it differently than he intended it.
You should ask him if he's joking or not. If he's not, he's a pig and you should really have some serious conversations before you marry him-- maybe even couples counseling. Just my opinion though!
I hope he was trying to be funny, and I'm fairly appalled that there are bees who actually think it would be okay for her FI to take advantage of her poor financial siituation and offer to help her out financially, but only if she does certain sexual things that she does not want to do. They are going to be married, they should be a team...if he can see that she is struggling he should want to help without treating her like a freaking prostitute. How on earth do any of you think that arrangement or agreement would be okay?!
It sounds like he's joking and thinks it's funny (which it's obviously not if it's making you feel like this). FI and I joke like this sometimes, so this wouldn't bother me. However, you definitely shouldn't feel like a prostitute, and if that's the way these comments make you feel, let him know that, and hopefully that should be the end of it.
ok, haven't read any of the responses yet... but I have to say that FI used to pay his ex wife $40 for a bj... He really likes them and she didn't like to give them, but that sweetened the deal for her... He never mentions it making problems for them...
If you have a problem with it then tell him, otherwise if your fine about it then take the deal. lol
I don't have any problem giving FI what he wants, but for other things like helping him out at work or doing a favor that I really don't want to do (non sexual) he will sometimes sweeten the deal with some cash, I see it as the same thing and don't take offense to it.
Finances and sex should be separate. If he wants something sexual, that needs to be its own conversation. Plus I don't really understand him paying you, but I guess that's because FI and I share money.
@zippylef: I agree with this.
Sometimes, getting your desires/fantasies out there is more easily done in jest than by saying " Hey, I think it would be totally awesome if you swallowed after every BJ.. ok thanks!"
If you're not comfortable with something then you're just not comfortable with it, but I would definitely talk to him and see if you two can come up with something else.
My FI and I play this game where we reward each other with sexual favors for the most mundane things. Like-- if you unload the dishwasher I'll give you a BJ or " if you run to the grocery store and pick me up some Cokes I will service you" or something silly like that.
Definitely TALK about it!
If it bothers you don't do it. If you are ok with it go for it. FI and I play crib and we make bets on a round. If he wins I give him a bj and if I win he takes me to a girly movie lol. It works for us but I don't mind doing that for him and he hates going to girly movies, so win win! Haha.
if you have a problem with it say something. If you don't take the deal. I don't think it is in any way prostitution, as long as you want to do it.
It only sounds like prostitution when you say "1800 in savings before the wecding..." Hope that wasnt serious.
Having a healthy sexual relationship means you can talk to your partner about your needs/wants/desires openly- not BRIBE them. IMO, it sounds like you guys need to have a serious talk about respect levels, money, and sex.
So I read this to me husband, and he said, " Oh, maybe I should lower your rent!". I replied with, " Umm, I don't pay it!".
In all seriousness though, I think if he was serious, its crossing the line. He should have asked you if you would do it, and your answer is no then he should have left it at that. Money should never have come into the equation.
So I read this to me husband, and he said, " Oh, maybe I should lower your rent!". I replied with, " Umm, I don't pay it!".
In all seriousness though, I think if he was serious, its crossing the line. He should have asked you if you would do it, and your answer is no then he should have left it at that. Money should never have come into the equation.
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