Post # 1
My fiance and I are having a small wedding (roughly 65 guests), made up of immediate family and close friends. He has 3 siblings coming, including his oldest sister, who will be joined by her husband & 3 children (ages 21, 18 and 15). The 18 year old boy is severely autistic – I don’t know the diagnosis details, but he is not very verbal and is prone to outbursts. At the last family gathering, he totally disrupted the event (running around the room singing, interrupting people’s speeches, refusing to sit down, etc).
I am very concerned about having him at our wedding. His mother doesn’t control him as much as I’d like, as she thinks that family should understand and acccomodate this behavior. I, on the other hand, don’t want one out of control person to make everyone else at my wedding feel uncomfortable. Any suggestions on how to handle this without hurting anyone’s feelings?
Post # 2
Yikes… I think you are way overthinking this…
I think this is your FI’s nephew and will soon be your family too…he needs to go to your wedding and I would think that if he is having an outburst during the ceremony or speeches at the reception that someone would have enough sense to take him elsewhere so he can cool down.. I really wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 3
Perhaps your FI can talk to his parents about keeping an eye out and helping sis-in-law. I understand both sides of this, but the boy’s mother really can’t just say “deal with it”. Is there a family member he is more likely to behave with? ie sitting with Grandma?
Post # 4
blynnes : Perhaps suggest that he attends later. After the ceremony and speaches are done. That way you get your moment without outbursts and he still gets to attend a reception when the party is happening so he won’t require as much supervision.
Post # 5
blynnes : Perhaps the boy’s father could take him for a walk while the ceremony is happening?
We had four autistic children at our wedding. One ran wild during the ceremony, two were occupied by their dad, and one sat quietly with her parents. I understand your worries.
Post # 6
Didn’t you already post about this last week and then delete the thread?
Post # 7
Maybe he shouldn’t attend the ceremony if he’s having outbursts. He could come to the reception later if you’re concerned about him interrupting the ceremony. He could stay with a family member during the ceremony and then come to reception.
Sounds like they are not angry outbursts, the singing and running around, so it could be worse, maybe that’s why mom isn’t so concerned.
Post # 8
ARE YOU LITERALLY KIDDING ME????
. I can guarantee you that not one single person at your wedding would be bothered by him other than you, because clearly you’re the only one with the issue.
His mom cannot “control him”, he is 18, all she can do is try to survive day to day.
Might I suggest educating yourself on mental illness before posting something like this.
He is your NEPHEW, and the least you could do is educate yourself to try and understand his illness, perhaps then you might understand how actually ignorant you sound..
Post # 9
Wow. He’s your family. Have some compassion.
Post # 10
Some people are disabled, that’s life. I think he should be welcome at the wedding. And if he has an outburst – that’s life, too. It’s the life FBIL and FSIL deal with every single day.
Post # 11
His mother doesn’t control him as much as I’d like
As the mother of an autistic child I can tell you I can’t control my 17 year-old autistic son as much as I’d like. He’s bigger than I am, and stronger. It’s a challenge every. single. day. For years, and years, and years.
This boy will be your nephew, your family. Compassion??? What does your FI think? Would he rather not have his sister and her family at your wedding?
If that’s not the case–work it out. Most people do understand.
Post # 12
An autistic person is not an out of control person. An out of control person is someone who had too many drinks at the open bar. You would do well to educate yourself a bit more because your ableism is showing.
Post # 13
You realize she can’t “control him” as much as you’d like, right?
Post # 14
If you think that it might be nice for his parents to be able to attend your entire ceremony, is there a support worker of any type he works with that could be hired for part of the day to come and work with him? If you offered to hire someone he works with for a few hours, if he is overwhelmed and needs to step out, take a walk, etc. for a little during the ceremony the worker could take him, make sure he’s comfortable and your sister-in-law can be present for your entire ceremony.
Post # 15
Cheekie0077 : Thanks, I appreciate your optimism.