(Closed) Protocol for sis-in-law's autistic son at my wedding?

posted 4 days ago in Guests
Post # 121
Member
7540 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

franklymydearidont :  great point re rough housing! That makes a lot of sense. Yeah I definitely feel like we were presented with one side and that didn’t go over well so then this new info was brought in and is now the main issue causing a lot of fighting. 

I cant sort how her FI is okay with her being choked, either.

Post # 122
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Probably not usually violent. But OP said the wedding is in a loft that doesn’t have any other rooms besides the bathrooms.  Sorry, but if someone said inappropriate things to me and put me in a choke hold then I wouldn’t be issuing an invitation.

I had an uncle with Down Syndrome he was 10 years older than me and we “grew up” together.  I know it’s not the same thing but I have had some experience with people with autism and DS.  My uncle was not able to communicate other than a few words but he did chatter constantly.   In my family we were so used to it that it barely registered and of course he was at my wedding.   My brother was BM and rode his motorcycle to the ceremony.  We got some great pictures of my uncle posing on my brother’s bike.

There was a new pastor at my grandparents church who hinted that my uncle was disruptive and would be better off at home. GM picked a new church. 

He passed away last year and I’ll always miss him. 

I’m not unfeeling but it seems to me that an 18 yr old needs to learn when it’s not OK to put someone into a choke hold. 

Post # 123
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I read all 100+ posts on this thread, and OP, I’m gobsmacked that you’ve received additional flack after explaining just what those outbursts entail. I know this is a difficult situation between you and your FSIL, but in this particular circumstance, other’s safety trumps other’s feelings. I’ve known adult patients who came into my clinic because they’ve suffered grabbing, pulling, hitting, and other traumatic injuries from autistic children/teens. From what you described, I would fear an ambulance visiting the venue.

Post # 124
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

blynnes :  

“At the last family gathering, he totally disrupted the event (running around the room singing, interrupting people’s speeches, refusing to sit down, etc). 

I am very concerned about having him at our wedding. His mother doesn’t control him as much as I’d like, as she thinks that family should understand and acccomodate this behavior.  I, on the other hand, don’t want one out of control person to make everyone else at my wedding feel uncomfortable.”

 

In your original post you failed to even mention his outbursts being violent. And in the section i’ve quoted above, it sure sounds to me like you care more about him making your other guests “unconfortable” than anything else.

So please tell me again how you aren’t putting your other guests comfort first?

But I would be interested for you to elaborate on how bad his violent outbursts can be, i’m interested in this because originally you didn’t even feel the need to mention it. Is it like horrible, like he choked you and you cried, or is it very mild, like you looked at him and said “No no jimmy, we don’t put our hands on other peoples necks”. 

Post # 125
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

I haven’t read all the posts yet. You lost me at ‘protocol’ !!!

Post # 128
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

LittleKBee :  

I don’t know why you would gladly admit that, you missed a lot of information just because you didn’t like the title and felt like attacking op.

Post # 130
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jennmariee : 

It is, in the very first post it says that he put her in a choke hold.

Post # 131
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

blynnes :  Not trying to trap or berate anyone thank you. I have just told you several times I think autism education is the most important thing for you, because you are uneducated on the subject currently. 

I also asked you what his violence looks like, that’s a valid question. If he hits like a toddler hits that is one thing, if hes punching people full force in the face thats very different. You asked for help, but I actually think it is your SIL that needs to be supported. 

You might not like the response I gave you, but I can 100% guarantee you that if you talk to your SIL with the same language you’re using to describe your nephew on here, your relationship will not survive. If this were my child I would be extremely offended. You are offended by my post, and don’t see any fault in yours, perhaps take a second look at yourself before breaching this subject with SIL.

And I actually can’t believe you think anyone with a conflicting opinion is” berating you” , and then you proceed to say that anyone who thinks opposite you must not have faced a difficult thing in their life? Honey, this isn’t a difficult thing you’re dealing with, it is sticky at best, don’t make ignorant assumptions about people just because you got responses you didn’t appreciate.

Post # 132
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

NDTieTheKnot :  

What I don’t understand is why you keep writing her posts off as not understanding autism.

The people posting who have autistic loved ones (myself included) don’t think that asking in advance how to handle someone prone to violent outbursts like hitting and choking people is not understanding autism.

She’s asking how to make it easier for him to be there while protecting her guests from violence.

I don’t understand why you keep telling her to get educated when those of us who ARE educated are giving her advice on how to navigate the situation.

I don’t understand why you are so offended by this.

Post # 133
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

NOT understanding autism would be “my nephew is autistic and will ruin my ceremony, what’s the best way to not invite him”

NOT “how do I talk to my sister in law about my violent autistic nephew so he can be there without putting my guests or venue at risk”.

Post # 134
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

As for pp saying she would repeat how much she loved her nephew while he choked her to death… I just… the fake martyrism is angering.

Post # 135
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

araebo5585 :  totally agree. You can love someone unconditionally, but not accept every single one of their actions. Do you still love them? Yes. Do you have to be passive and accepting to violent attacks? No. 

Why the heck should anyone just ‘accept’ being physically attacked? Whether it’s a playful choke or a painful choke is irrelevant. Avoiding the choking situation is best for everyone. 

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