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((HUGS)) i have no advice at all but i'm sure some of these brilliant bees will know exactly what to say.
Do you think he would be up for talking with a therapist or something? I don't know that much about PTSD but I think that talking to someone might help him to learn how to handle his anger.
Miss Lily, I know exactly how you feel. FI has PTSD pretty bad too..I can't tell you how many hours we've spent at the VA..how many medications they've put him on.
FI's gets really bad at night - he's ruined so many pairs of sheets because he just sweats so much. For the most part, there's really nothing you can do but be patient. It's really hard, and it seems so counterproductive, but honestly it's really all you can do. If he starts getting violent, it's time to rethink the situation. Is he still in the military? You can talk to the FRG (or if he's not in the Army, whatever the equivalent to that is in his branch). If he's out, and if he has a caseworker at the VA, talk to the caseworker. FI's caseworker has been so helpful for us.
FI also takes lorazepam (adavan) to help with nerves, and he's going to start therapy soon to help (we'll see how that goes) and we're going to go to couple's counseling as well. I try to be as supportive as I can with him, and it's hard. Somedays it's going to feel like an uphill battle (especially when they prescribe Ambien and he still doesn't sleep), but other days, it's worth it.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this too
Does the military have a therapy program? It would be a good thing for him to be in for a whole. Sending (lots and lots and lots of) love and well wishes your way, I can only imagine how hard it is right now.
I highly recommend having a conversation about him seeing a counselor/therapist. The military has a lot of options for counseling that would be free for the service member. PTSD is serious and potentially dangerous if not addressed. Take the signs seriously. Here are some resources:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
Even if he doesn't want to go to therapy, please consider it for yourself. You will get tools and resources to help you deal with it too.
I can't imagine what some of our service members go through. War is enough to drive anyone crazy. I'm really grateful for the job that your husband has done for his country and I think there are some good resources out there if he's willing to take the step. I think that you could set up a time when he's calm and not agitated where you could read a letter or prepare some thoughts about how his PTSD is affecting you and your marriage. Then ask him to consider pursuing a solution and tell him that you support him.
I wish I could help more - hang in there hon!
Thanks ladies! It helps just to know I am not the only one dealing with these issues.
@Dizzy- I have woken up in a headlock...not fun. Only happened once. Still scary though.
Hubs sleepwalks too which is the entire reason we are going through the whole MEB process...in the workings of his packet they discovered a lot of other stuff too...it's been quite the ride. He talks to a therapist but I am not sure how much that is helping since he can only get an appointment once every other month...I think it is time to pursue some other options...maybe some couples help? I just really can't take much more...I love him, but this is out of hand. He is on adderall and that helped for a while, but I think his system is used to it now. He's getting worse, not better.
<h2>@Lamb (oops I dunno what I did to the text..) I will try that. I think it's free for the family member to go too if it's a couples session. I think they have to provide therapy for the couple if it is endangering the marriage. We'll see.</h2>
Thanks again ladies for the input! (see? What did I do to the text again?!)
I have PTSD from prolonged abuse in my last marriage. I can't imagine being someone who has returned from war because it must be so much more traumatic. I hope that things get better soon.
I don't have any advice (i was worried about DH when he got back from Iraq, but he was only "mildly depressed" and snapped out of it in a month or so once he got back into things) but I do know that PTSD is no joking matter and it sounds scary. What you're dealing with is more than just his attitude--you've woken up in a headlock and they do tend to relive moments. I think it's definitely time to pursue some more options--therapy, counseling, SOMETHING to help him deal. He's sounding dangerous. Do you know what happened when he was over there? The FRG should have some information for you, or check out the branch's homepage. Good luck. If he has a slew of other issues going on, those all need to be addressed, too.
Once every other month is not nearly enough. Please help him find some counseling. I have PTSD and it has been a long journey into normal behavior. My parents were very abusive and I grew up locked in the house. When I finally had my own life (thank you, California Juvenile Dependency System, for all your faults, you saved my life), I didn't know how to gauge other people's body language. I often instinctually threw my arm out and hit people when crossing the street because I thought the people coming from the other direction were about to attack me. Try apologizing for that one. The good news is that you can get over PTSD, but it takes time and a whole heck of a lot of thinking about everything you don't want to think about.
I have read The Long Road Home apparently that is what has really got him screwed up. A lot of the guys who end up dead in the book, Hubby knew, as a lot of what happened in that book is about what happened to their unit. I know there is nothing I can do to make this any better for him, but I try to be patient and supportive. Maybe I need to talk to my Dr. about getting him a referral to talk to someone. i know Hubs won't ask for one if I put this on him...
Lily, I know what you mean. I woke up once with his fingers around my windpipe, and whenever I'd try to move them, he'd squeeze harder. He was completely unconscious (but on a medication that was *supposed* to help. SO far, I haven't heard of anyone who has seen positive side effects from it. It's called Seroquel). When he found out about it, he stopped the medication. It is scary to have to deal with it and to know that they see the stuff at night. :(
Basically it's a lose lose situation. From our experiences, FI hasn't been able to find a job (he was 11C Army) because most places don't want to hire combat vets. But if your hubby stays the military, his PTSD will get worse every time he deploys. It's hard to hear, but it's true (and I'm sure you know it too). Basically, youll have to talk with your hubby about his options. Does he want to stay this way (probably not, none of them want to)? Does he drink (that's a huuuuge factor in the realm of violence and PTSD)?
If he gets Med Boarded out, the Army'll try to say that the "personality problem" was there before he deployed (how messed up is that?). He'll still get his VA benefits, but it'll be harder to convince the VBA if he tries to get comp and pen.
From what you've said, you best bet is to talk with him about it and discuss his options and future goals. Either way, you should be in individual therapy so that you can get some tools to help you deal with it, like lamb said. You need to be strong, because when/if your hubby ever decides to "let you into his head" you'll be prepared.
@cheerful-I so KNOW it is not often enough!!! I don't think once every other week will be enough for a while. the army is supposed to be doing the psych eval on him soon...who knows when that will be. So I hope they discover he needs more help than he's getting. :( It's just so hard living with him sometimes. I want to start a family too, but certainly not until this is all taken care of!
Typically if you need more care, the military arranges it. Like if you need a specialist that they don't provide, you can see one but there is paperwork involved.
I think the fact that you know what happened makes you more sensitive and undersatnding to his situation.
The Long Road Home was based on something that happened back in 2004, right? Has he been like this for 5 years? or is my timing off? Or is it just now coming to light? I remember that book came out right when DH and I started dating and he was goign into active duty. Definitely scared me.
I really think he needs some long-term help. I hope everything works otu for you and you both are able to get the care you all need.
Yea, it happened in 2004. That was his first deployment. We didn't start dating until 2008, and at the time he had just come home from a deployment...So a lot of things he did could be explained as adjustment issues (it was a 15 month deployment.) I guess the farther we get out from the deployment, the more I realize that this is a long term problem, and the more it scares me. :(
I did talk to him tonight, with the approach of "I know you don't want to hear this, and I'm sorry but we need to talk about it" I know it hurt his feelings, I know he didn't want to face the problem. I know he realizes this is an issue and that we do need to do something about it. It's just going to be a long, emotional road. It freaks him out that I brought up marriage counseling, but like I told him; it's not just affecting him anymore. He's scared that I am going to leave. I highly doubt I could bring myself to do that. I love him and I am in this for the long haul. Whatever it takes. He has an appointment in the next couple weeks and he is going to ask about going somewhere else off-post for counseling. I guess 1-source has a lot of resources for him and for us. We'll see what that gets us. :)
Sounds like things are heading in the right direction for you! It was really brave of you to bring it up. He might be scared that you'll leave, but I think that your committment to getting him help for himself and help for you both as a couple is a wonderful thing that shows how important your marriage is to you. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck hon!
Kudos to you for being brave and initiating that conversation. Good luck - as my husband knows, it's hard on the partner as well. My husband really helped me by being understanding when I freaked out at seemingly small things. Once, he walked up to me from behind and tapped me on the shoulder and I screamed and cried for an hour. My husband has been patient throughout and helped me to talk about things.
Oooo yes, I agree. He probably hasn't realized how intense his ptsd was because he hasn't been with someone as much as he's with you, now. Or, the second deployment brought it back. 15 months is a long time--there was definitely an adjustment period when DH got home. It's such a shocker. You're doing the right things by encouraging him that you aren't going to leave, but you want him to be better. I mean, long story short, you probably WOULD leave him if things stayed the way they are right now, this very second. It's not safe. But you know that if you two work together, he will get better.
I have every ounce of faith resting in the thought that he will get better. I thought he was going to cry when I talked to him about it. :( Poor guy. All he could really say was "I thought I was getting better" and "I'm scared." I guesss scared that he isn't going to get better? Scared that this might be the best he can do? Don't get me wrong, it would take a lot to get me to leave him. I love him too much to just leave him alone with all of that going on in his head. It just seems like he does so well for a long time and then he plateaus and gets worse, then I talk to him about it and he gets better for a while again...it's a vicious cycle. He doesn't drink either by the way...he used to drink a lot, but he said that he quit because it gave him flashbacks. I know he has gone home to MN and had a night with the guys and had a few here and there, but he only does that when he knows I am not going to be around, and very rarely even then.
You know, I was just thinking too...He wasn't big on the whole "marriage counseling" idea, and I tried to explain that I don't think we need Marriage Counseling per say, but I think i need some tools to deal with the PTSD, and to know what to expect. He just keeps focusing on the fact that we've been married 15months and I'm talking to him about what he wants to call "marriage counseling" But, there's only so much I can do for him on my own...
Are you getting married in a church? My husband (not in the military) would be very reluctant to do counseling but since we got married in a catholic church we of course had to do some with the priest. It was very pleasant, so maybe he would be OK with counseling in that context. Also some churches have counseling available through them even if you're not directly associated with them or at least have resources that might be able to point you in the right direction.
*Hug* A very close family member has PTSD and it is hard. I hope that counceling can help, but I can related with the ups and downs of loving someone with PTSD. Even if he won't get help you should think about talking with someone yourself. A counselor can help you deal with this issue and help equip you with tools. My prayers are with both of you.
The only bad thing in this situation is that getting counseling is going to be a lot of work...with Tricare you have to get a referral for EVERYTHING! It's frustrating, and they don't let you choose someone you want to see, they choose for you. Gotta love the Military! Also, we don't have a church here in TX, we're from MN and nothing down here really seems to "fit" like our church back home. :(
Like I said he's just upset that I mentioned "marriage counseling" and we've only been married 15 months. He thinks that means we aren't going to make it. But I have every hope that we will be ok. There's really no reason we shouldn't.
I feel you on the whole Tricare bit.
Check out Military One Source. It is made with the military member AND the family member in mind and has TONS of great referrals and counseling. From their site:
"Education, relocation, parenting, stress - you name it - Military OneSource is here to help you with just about any need. Available by phone or online, our free service is provided by the Department of Defense for active-duty, Guard, and Reserve service members and their families. The service is completely private and confidential, with few exceptions."
PTSD is a big issue that the VA and the Military (all branches) are trying to address head on. Ask him if he's talked to any of the doctors at the VA or on the base about this. PTSD can get out of control and create a lot of havoc both for him and for your family. Make sure he nips this in the bud and starts treatment (I'm not saying it'll go away with a magic pill, but therapy and meds could help).
Bella
I just think the Army is doing kind of a crap job at addressing the issue. "here, take this. It will help" is not the way to deal with PTSD. If they can't get people in to see a psychiatrist more often, then they need to figure something out and fix that problem. I'm completely aware that this is going to take time and a lot of patience.
@Mssushi- Thanks for the links and insight, Hubs pulled that up on the computer the other day but hasn't done anything about it. I have put the ball in his court to find someone to talk to about all of it. We'll see
Miss Lily, Good on you for being so brave and addressing the issue. I know its tough, My FI and I both Mil, so is my Brother, my parents dont even know that he has it and EVERYTHING that happened and my brother saw RIGHT after 911 when he was over there. I just know, and know what movies,books, things not to say around him etc...he actually just got recently engaged and I had to call his new FI to make sure SHE knew, and things to avoid and what not. Horrible, horrilbe thing.
I also have a few friends and what not that I have seen struggle with this. Nothing like having one of your friends freak out at a city parade and curl up by a drain rocking herself repeating over and over that she wants her gun.
I feel you on Tricare, i know it all can be a timely process. They should have someone at like every hospital that is there for post deployment couseling and PTSD matters. I guess it would surprise me if there was not. Like someone else said also, church on base? I know you said you dont have one in TX, I am in WA but I am actually alos from MINNESOTA (yay!) and have the same prob. cant fine one the "fits" like my church back home.
Best of luck to you dear, i know its a hard road to have to travel! You sound like a strong women and are handeling this well already!
Thanks. Everyone knows about his PTSD, so it's not hard to deal with family, except his little brother. He thinks it's funny to scare my hubs. (He obviously doesn't have to sleep with him), maybe I'll tell him he gets to sleep with hubs if he scares him...lol.
We've changed a lot of things about everyday life, we can't watch fireworks, so whenever people celebrate with them (like July 4th) we go to a movie. It works out, but it's frustrating. I like fireworks, but it's not worth the freak out I know he'd have.
Anyway, I feel for all the troops and families going through all of this. We are doing the very best we can. I guess we'll see how it goes
You're doing an awesome job Miss Lilly! You're a strong woman and your husband is very blessed to have you!
Miss Lilly - You may want to look into group therapy. It helped my mom out a lot when my dad was sick and it could also help him if he found the right group. They meet regularly which can sometimes be better than waiting weeks for an appointment and its always nice to talk to someone who is going through the same thing.
FI also has PTSD from Iraq. I met him when he was receiving treatment. For us, he's "suicidal, not homicidal" so I do occasionally worry that - even though he's on a medicinal regimen that works for him and he's very in touch with his feelings and has had in depth therapy and goes to support group meeting and even though he's sworn up and down that he never ever would - that one day he'll...you know. Hurt himself. I guess it's like that for anyone who loves someone with a history of depression.
For those that are dealing with the job issue, FI did as well. Eventually when he was diagnosed, he was given the clasification of "disabled veteran" and he started receiving benefits from the VA that helped him to live on. Then social security got involved, so he doesn't have to worry about trying to find a job that won't freak him out. Especially since he's going to school on the GI bill.
*HUGS* I definitely don't know what you're dealing with as my FH hasn't gone to such crazy deployments like that, but I bet it's really something. I guess the best you could do is talk to him or suggest he attends counseling for his PTSD. I know the military usually offers this kind of help to their soldiers, especially after traumatic deployments. FH's command had a marine die on them after struggling with PTSD for more than a year--it gets really bad!
Hope your hubby gets better!
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Anyone else dealing with PTSD? It seems like Hubby and I get in arguments all the time! It is stressing me out, and I know that isn't helping the situation.
For instance, this morning the dog was being all crazy and hit me in the eye with her paw and I said ouch...before I could even do anything about moving her away from my face, he had flown off the handle and roughly moved her across the bed. :( I told him to chill (which I know also did not help) then he freaked out at me for always telling him to calm down ?! I guess my feelings are HE NEEDS TO CALM DOWN. I'm pretty easy-going and I never yell about any of it, I'm just scared that one day this is going to really make me mad and I am going to yell.
I feel so bad, and I can't do anything about his PTSD except be there for him...I try, but sometimes it's a lot...Any suggestions?