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he might surprise you...I asked a cousin the same question (more pertaining to no random girlfriends in family photos) and he was all "yeah, she's not going anywhere anytime this lifetime"
I say ask him over the phone
I wouldn't ask your brother anything. I really puts him in a tight spot and honestly isn't your business. It's their relationship and their relationship alone. As you said, an engagement may not be anywhere near his horizen at this point.
And honestly, since you aren't close to her, I wouldn't ask her to be a BM. As much as I can understand the setiment that she may be your sister-in-law at some point in the future, they aren't even engaged yet. What if (god forbid) 6 months after your wedding they've broken up? How will you feel looking back at your photos if you have your brother's ex who you aren't even close to in a ton of pictures?
If you were really close to her independent of her dating your brother I'd say go ahead and include her. Same as if they were already married or at least engaged. But as the situation stands now, I wouldn't ask her to be a BM. Maybe have her do a reading or pass out programs or something if you want to include her in the day?
@Mrs.KMM: Yeah, that's why I want to find out what his intentions are. My suspicion is that he does intend to stay with her, and eventually get married but that right now he'd be far and away the first of his friends to get married so it's not really in the immediate future. But if I *do* ask her I want to make sure that he's really thinking super long term with her and that it's not just 5 years of inertia.
@marlew: Probably better to do phone than email, I definitely agree. The only problem is making sure she can't overhear him when we're talking!
I agree on the looking back part that FutureKMM states but people unfortunately lose friends who were in bridal parties all the time. Don't you want to look back and remember a happy time in your life? Everything happens for a reason and people come and go for different reasons.
Like FutureKMM says maybe there's another responsibility you can ask her to do.
If he's at all not sure then i'd be cautious about having her in the wedding party. If they break up you'll be stuck with her in your photos forever! I'd say give her another part - usher, reader etc to keep it safe.
@marlew: But I think there is a big difference between looking back at pictures with a BM who used to be a really good friend (at the time of the wedding) but you've unfortunately lost the friendship with due to whatever reasons and looking back at a brother's ex who you were never close to to begin with. With the old friend, you have years of good memories despite whatever led to the friendship ending but you really wouldn't have anything to remember fondly with the ex other than "oh, she dated my brother for a while".
@Entangled: Just because you intend to stay with someone doesn't mean that it always ultimately works out (unfortunately). And I still say that it is none of your business what his intensions are and that you shouldn't ask him anything.
Hmm... I'm pretty sure we're not going to have ushers or readers or roles like that.
As it stands, I'm about 90-100 percent sure things are great with them and they'll start talking about getting married once they get a little older. So another ulterior motive in talking to him about this is to get a sense of what's going on and make sure he starts thinking long term. (Which I am sure my parents would love for me to do.)
@Mrs.KMM: You make a good point that there could be things that crop up that will make things not work out... like if they have different opinions on children or where they want to live or something like that.
I think you can certainly ask her to be a bridesmaid regardless of where your brother intends for it to go (after all, no matter what he tells you know, he may change his mind). Point is, she's in your life NOW, so invite her if you want! Lots will change through the years with friends, SOs, even people's husbands/wives, but you can't worry about all that when making your guest list.
I was in the exact same position when I was chosing bridesmaids. I asked my brother, he said he was planning to propose a few months later, and by the time our wedding came, they were engaged and I was very happy to have my brother's fiance as a bridesmaid.
Certainly doesn't hurt to ask. If he is at all hesitant, I would suggest not having her as a bridesmaid, for the reasons mentioned by others.
i dont know about you but im pretty close with my brothers, i would have no problem asking that....what else is family for but to put you on the spot and test your patience? :)
And being a girl, if my brother had been dating a girl for 5 years i would give him hell for not asking yet. haha but thats just me, both my brothers would take it pretty well i think
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My brother has been dating this girl, E for about 5 years and living with her for the past year or so. She is, to put it simply, awesome. BUT for most of the time they've been dating, I've lived pretty far away so I only really see her once or twice a year. She's super fun and very nice and someone I look forward to seeing, but we're not emotionally close or really friends because we don't see each other often.
However, if she is someday going to be my future sister in law, I would like her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. (My fiance's sister, who also falls into the super awesome, but don't see often enough to be close with category, is going to be one.)
My brother is 24. No one in his group of friends is engaged or married yet so it's probably not something that's really on the front burner for him. My inclination is to ask him straight up: "yo, you and E gonna get married eventually?" Probably via phone or email, because I won't see him until December and even then only for a couple of days. Good idea, terrible idea? Any ideas?
(as a sidenote - we currently have more groomsmen than bridesmaids. if I add one more bridesmaids, we will still have more groomsmen. I couldn't really care less about even numbers.)