Post # 1
I am so tired of being stuck in the middle.
My fiance is a wonderful guy, but for a numer of reasons, he’s having a really hard time finding a job. Ergo, my mother is pushing me to put the wedding off if he doesn’t have one by the time we will be sending out the invites. She and my dad are paying for most of the wedding, and they prefer we not marry if he can’t support me while I find a job.
My fiance, on the other hand, is insisting that we get married anyway. He feels that love is a stronger force than money, and lots of couples have a tough time starting out. Last week, he even gave me an ultimatim: marry him on our planned date, or he would never speak to my mother (who he thinks is manipulating me) again.
I am furious and heartbroken. I can understand both sides’ arguments, and I love them both, but neither of them seems to realize how much I love and respect the other. And as the invite date looms, I am terrified that I will have to choose one or the other, which will undoubtedly cause resentment in our family for years to come.
I don’t want to choose between my mom and my fiance! What the heck do I do?
Post # 3
Put them in a room together, explain that you cannot be the decision maker when in making a decision you unavoidably hurt someone that you love very much. Make them talk out their different opinions face to face instead of avoiding the confrontation by laying it on your shoulders. Maybe they don’t realize the jeopardizing position that you’re in. Have they talked to each other about it? (I realize this suggestion may be way easier said than done depending on your FI’s relationship with your parents.)
Post # 4
I think you should have a family meeting with everyone including your parents and fiance. You are stuck in the middle a little because your parents are paying and you dont have a job so you cant pay for the wedding. But again weddings are about money but marriage is not…its about love. And I say that if you want to be married on your date, get married…but maybe have the "wedding" at a later date when you can all afford to have such a big party. Good luck to you.
Post # 5
Are you currently in school or simply out of work?
Post # 6
I think it’s very insensitive of both sides to make you choose. How can you side with your parents over your fiance and vice versa? That’s like when parents get a divorce and ask the kid who they want to live with. I think you should do what you want to do and both sides should respect your desicion. This really is between you and your fiance unless your parents are worried that they will financially be supporting you both. Then I could see their concern. But in that case, you can assure them that you will both find a way to be self sufficient. Good luck!
Post # 7
I agree with the above advice – ideally you should get the family and your FI together and discuss this. But if you can’t, or even before then, I would tell them both that they’re putting you under a lot of stress and it’s not fair that they’re forcing you to choose between the two of them. They may not be completely aware of the position you are being put in.
Finally, I see what your FI wants, and what your parents want, but what plan do YOU want? I think you need to think over what you’d prefer (assuming you could do either without grief from others) and start building from there. Good luck!
Post # 8
I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I wonder how long you’ve both been out of work. How likely it is to easily find a job. How much you already have saved.
You said you see both sides. I do too. On the one hand, your parents are right. It will be difficult for both of you if there is no income. And are they worried you’ll be moving in with them? Or eventually moving in with them? What will you do without income? On the other hand there are plenty of families already married, who are right now facing no income. Yet they are still married, and trying to figure things out. Also, what if you cancel and he finds a job in 3-4 months? Do you have to start over and plan the wedding for an entire year from then? Perhaps your FI is speaking with ultimatums out of his own frustration and insecurities. What your parents are saying about him not supporting you, is maybe what he’s feeling too. Just a guess on my part , but I think sometimes being out of a job hits men harder than women, some sort of masculinity thing.
He certainly thinks your mom is strong arming you. So maybe the first thing is to make up our own mind on whether to marry with the lack of income. For me, I might be likely to wait, even though I wouldn’t wan to. But that would depend on how easily he could get a job (or me.) Good luck. Keep us posted.
Post # 9
Hey all, a little more background…
I’m in school, graduating (sort of) in May (I’ll be walking, but still need an internship). He graduated in December and has been unemployed since, so because he still lives with his parents, his loans have so far been deferred. However, once we get married, we will have to start paying them. We have no place of our own, no job prospects, and probably under $6000 between us. So you can see why this is stressful for everyone involved!
@ JennyBryde & D.Marie- I would love to get everyone involved together, but I have to admit, I’m kind of afraid of what would happen. The FI comes from a very stubborn family of mostly boys who are used to yelling out their differences, stomping away, and resolving it (or not) later, whereas my family is a lot more passive-aggressive and nonconfrontational.
@ lovelondonrain & Tanya123- I don’t think my mom is worried about supporting us– I think she’s just worried about us having no money or a place to live. I think part of it has to do with the fact that we’re marrying relatively young– this is the first time I will have been financially independent, and I’m not sure she really sees us as adults yet.
@ JeanL1984- I think I just want everyone to get along and love eachother! 🙂 But that doesn’t always happen, does it?
Thanks for all your comments and kind words.
Post # 10
Given that money issues are one of the biggest reasons for divorce, I can see why your parents are worried. You’re proposing to marry a man who has no job and lives with his parents. You also have no job. When you do marry, he will need to begin paying off his debt, and there is no money for that. Additionally (and you may not have thought of this) neither of your parents will be able to carry you on their insurance once you’re no longer students, so with no insurance yourselves you will be responsible for the full price of any medical bills that you have. I would be worried too – really worried.
And honestly, your FI is being unfair, and more than a little manipulative, and pretty immature. He is never going to talk to your mother again? How is that a reasonable threat?
Seriously, unless you think that living with your husband in his childhood bedroom in his parents’ house is going to be a great way to start a marriage, I would think really hard about your mom’s advice. If your relationship is meant to last, waiting a few months isn’t going to damage it in any way. And I would maybe try to talk to your FI in practical terms about a few of the things you haven’t mentioned here – like where exactly are you going to live? How does he plan to pay off his debt? How will the two of you support yourselves? I would think that you would want to know. Possibly the answers to some of these questions will help you with your decision.
Post # 11
I feel for you. I was there. Not so much with the parent v. FI thing, but I was losing my job (it was a long-term temp job) and he didn’t have one at all. It was terrifying. We together sat down and came to an agreement: if one of us couldn’t find a full time job, or at least a temp to hire job (we were both temps at the time) by April 1, we’d push it back. My parents ended up offering us their downstairs bedroom/bathroom for us to live in until we got our feet under us, just in case. Luckily, FI got a permanent job, so we’re still getting married.
But based on your position, I’m kind of worried for you. Your parents make an excellent point. Neither of you have jobs, and your debts will start being collected once you get married. It would be one thing if you had a job and he didn’t, but you’re both unemployed, and that’s not a good position to be in. At all. Your FI is also acting scarily controlling: he wants you to cut your parents out of your life just because he disagrees with their viewpoint.
Here’s the thing: your parents are paying for it. What if they refuse to pay, since you two can’t really start a marriage with no income at all? In your current state, you can’t pay for it yourself. You need to sit down and talk, all four of you, to figure out a plan of action. The one that worked for us was that we had until the invitations needed to be printed to find a job, and if we didn’t, we pushed it back. No harm, no foul.