- 3 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
So…. on the weekend DH and I were on the topic of a few things after baby is born because we had some friends visting with their 6 month old and we also did some “pre” shopping….
One thing I’ve been wanting to bring up to him just to have an open dialogue and let him know my feelings on the subject (then we can talk and compromise) is the fact that I dont want every single weekend dominated by his family. I’ve heard more then enough people rant about how hard it is in the beginning because everyone is obsessed with the baby (especially the first grandchild) and how your just so physically and emotionally tired that a lot of times you end up getting stuck in the pattern of just “giving in” because its easier then arguing with them. I have a lot of friends with kids and I dont want to end up like the ones who have martial problems because “outsiders” are being too intrusive and the the person who should be dealing with it…doesnt…and you end up just doing everything to please everyone else at the expense of your own marriage/relationship. I know I posted something similar before but this one is more about something DH said when we talked.
Yes family is important and yes we will be spending double if not more time with family when the baby comes but Im NOT planning on over-extending ourselves to make them happy. I want breaks! I think that as a general “rule” a reasonable expectation is every second weekend we have a day to spend with them, and that way WE get a day every second week to just be a family (just us) without constant visitors or having to pack up and go here all day! If the only time I see DH is when he gets home at night and we “may” spend a few minutes together before he takes his turn and gives me a break… then for ex: say saturday is our “try to do shit” day…. thats not really spending quality time together…..my DH tried to tell me he thinks that IS quality time?????
Basially when I brought it up he immediatly got defensive of his parents (as usual) and I was explaining to him that Im not attacking them and its not that I dont like them… Im trying to make sure that we are just making time for us too so we have a bit of balance in our life….. is that a crime? I dont want our “quality time” together to be limited to him watching the baby while Im comatose on the couch on weeknights until he has to go to sleep…and have our “running around” on saturdays being classified as it………. like really? He kept saying well my mom would come down to help clean and cook this and that…and again….Im trying to explain to him thats not the issue…. the issue is us having time WITHOUT OTHER PEOPLE PRESENT. Yes Im sure she will gladly come help etc…in the beginning but after the initial “omg dont lift a finger you just had a baby” wears off, they’re probably going to get sick of doing that….and become resentful if were always asking them to come “help” with stuff….at some point things will be “normal” again and I want to have a bit of a rhythm going so they understand “they get some time…..WE get some time….they get some time….WE get some time”. If we start off doing every single weekend guess what… they’re going to expect that to continue (I know my inlaws)!
My DH wants to think the best of them and thats fine…and he thinks his mom will be totally cool but I think that sometimes I hear her comments more clearly them him lol. There have been plently of times she has made comments about expectations when there’s kids finally in the picture (and in my head screaming “LIKE HELL”) and DH has conveniently “no recollection of it” and more of less thinks Im insane lol.
I guess the question is…. (sorry for the book of a post) would you consider the small amount of time when your too tired to even talk during the weeknights and the times when your running around tag teaming errands as your “quality time” or do you/will you insist on making an effort so you can actually enjoy eachother on say a weekend? (vs. time you have to spend with family)