Post # 1
**Ack! I know this is poor etiquete but I just really dont know what to do!**
We are having a intimate wedding ceremony on May 16th with only 26 people and then having two bigger parties after the wedding so that we can celebrate with our extended family in a much more casual (and relaxed environment.)
I’m needing advice on what to do with my side of the family and if we should include the cards as guidance in our informal invites (for the party/reception a week after the wedding). Most of the family who will be invited do not know how to use computers since they are older which means they cant visit our website. They will and want to get us gifts, but honestly, they really don’t know what I need and can use. For example, my grandma regularly buys me “unique” items from the thrift store. Also, my aunt routinely gets me cookware from Wal-Mart which ends up breaking two months later. My other great aunt told my mom she wants to get me a really nice gift but I’m starting to stress that she is going to spend $300 on something we cant use or return (unfortunately my mom didn’t mention where we were registered and she doesn’t want to call back and tell her.)
I definitely don’t want to seem gift grabby, but they have no way to see our website. Also, I’m sentimental so I really hate throwing away gifts, but there is honestly no way I can keep every figurine, garden gnome, tchotchke or wal-mart flatware. I just don’t want my family wasting money on things we will be throwing out/cant use. Our apartment is SMALL and we just cant store stuff.
Post # 3
@sheepandbear: I do understand your concerns. However, in the US at least, it is not considered to be proper etiquette to include registry information with your wedding invitations.
However, it is perfectly fine for your mother and others who are very close to you to pass along information by word of mouth to any guests who may ask them where you and your Fiance are registered.
Post # 4
If you’re having a shower you can have whoever is throwing the shower for you to inform the guests. Or have your parents/bridal party spread word by mouth. Hopefully if you get stuff you don’t want/like you can return or exchange the item for somethine that you’d use. Your mom has to call your great aunt back! Ack… she really won’t reconsider? Otherwise, you have to graciously accept the gift :/ Short of a website I don’t know what to suggest for you. You can put a link to your wedding site and list where you’re registered on there… Mother-In-Law told elderly family where we’re registered since they don’t do technology…. can you have a different aunt or cousin or someome tell your great aunt?
Post # 5
If these are people you know and love and who YOU believe you can talk to about this sort of thing, jsut add a little note to their individual invites explaining things. Why would it bother them? Why would you seem money grabby? What does etiquete matter? You’re family. 🙂
Post # 6
@sheepandbear: These queries always seem faintly insulting. How much “older” are all these geezers who not only apparently cannot use the internet, but also cannot walk into the three or four most common registry-supporting stores and simply ask the staff if you are registered there? Or phone the stores, for that matter. Even if they are older than my eighty-year-old brother the system-support provider, they can use the same twentieth-century methods they’ve been using since the 1950’s for discovering where your registry is — registries do pre-date the internet.
But try to understand, they may not want to hunt up your registry, even if they are far more internet-savvy than they get credit for. No-one is obliged to follow the dictates of your registry when they decide to exercise the option of giving you a gift. They may think that they have good taste and be enjoying the thought of sharing their taste with you: in which case your oblique hints that you think their taste is shoddy — which is very well what they may infer when you include a card to tell them where to shop and what for — can be expected to rob their gift-giving of any pleasure.
The tactful, kind, gracious, hospitable way to make sure that your intimate friends and extended family know your taste, is to invite them into your home. Have them over for tea or dinner. Serve them on your good china, so that they know what your pattern is and what pieces you are missing. Cook your favourite dish and show off how rewarding high-quality cookware can be. Discuss with them over dessert the types of orchids you wish you could grow in your tiny window-side container garden that has no room for a garden-gnome. And then, if you still get “tchotchke”, console yourself as you throw it out with the thought that it’s the thought that counts — and you probably would have gotten the same thing even if you had decided to send the tastely little hint-card, but with the added chagrin that you had done something to deserve the tasteless gifts.
Post # 7
Thank you so so much ladies! What wonderful advice!! I definitely will be throwing those cards away. I will probably be calling all of my close relatives just to explain details to them and to make sure they don’t have any questions. If they happen to mention that they want to get me a gift, I can tell them where I’m registered as a suggestion unless they mention they have something picked out. And I’ll have my mom call back my great aunt for sure and if she doesn’t want to do it, I will ask my other grandma to do it (and I know she will because she understands how I feel about making the most out of money and not wasting.)