Post # 1
This has been a hot button between FH and I since we started planning so I have decided to turn to the bees FH and I are planning on having a destination wedding in the mountains (we figured that since each of our families – and most of our friends – would have to travel, why not have it be a weekend getaway?). I have been looking at some B&Bs as well as some places that offer cabins. I think that I would like to include the lodging of *immediate* family in our budget (a lot of the B&Bs would need to be rented out for the weekend anyway….). FH would like *us* to foot the bill for *everyone* since, the weddings he’s been in have paid for his room (as part of the groomsmen gifts, I assume).
Please help! What has been your experience? Everyone I ask IRL is always shocked that he would want to consider that, but he’s not phased.
Post # 3
We’ve had a similiar discussion as 80% or more of our guest, both friends and family, are going to have to travel to get to our wedding. He’s from the East coast, I’m from the West and we’re military so our friends are spread across the county. We thought about doing a block of rooms at the hotel where the reception is taking place, but wow, that would nearly double our budget! My hubby made a good point when he said that we are all adults here, our friends and family have jobs and most importantly, I bet they are already expecting to have to pay for a hotel room. You’re already paying for their dinner and drinks for the evening. As for the bridal party, you’re getting them gifts, the rehearsal dinner and a good time. We decided that they will pay for their own lodging. However, if you were to do one of those cottages, splitting the cost of that between however many people will surely bring down the cost. Just give them plenty of time to budget for it and you should be fine. Don’t put the burden on yourselves.
Post # 4
Yikes! We rented an entire B&B, 7 rooms, and paid for the lodging for whoever we chose to put in those rooms. But I’d never consider paying for everyone’s! As a guest, I might even feel weird accepting that.
Maybe he needs to talk to some people IRL to see how generous, but outrageous, this is. Like Aeast mentioned, you do enough for your guests in the course of a weekend wedding to really offset some expenses they’d incur in travel.
Post # 5
We’re not paying for anyone’s lodging, unless they’re staying at our cabin with us. It’s a really nice gesture that your FH is making, but it’s not required. When you accept the invitation to attend a destination wedding, a wedding outside of your area, that is one of the costs that you expect to inccur. We figure since we’re basically paying for all of their food, beverage, and entertainment for the weekend, they’re making up some of their expense.
Post # 6
My first reaction is to say, you certainly do not need to offer to pay for people’s rooms. But how many people are you talking? It kind of sounded like, you are having just your immediate family and bridal party. To be honest if you are going to pay for your immediate family, but not the bridal party, I can’t say that I necessarily like that idea. Also, I’ve read that the bride and groom should pay for accommodations for the ir attendants. However, it seems like the etiquette experts are divided on that one.
Post # 7
Thanks for all the responses and please keep ’em coming I can clarify a couple of things that have been asked. How many guests? About 50 or so. The bridal party (2 BM) and the groomsmen (2) are both immediate family and would be staying with us either in the B&B (if that’s what we decide to go with) or the grooms family cabin and the brides family cabin (if that’s what we decide to go with).
FH is wanting us to pay for *everyone* – all people that attending. I just think that’s nuts and while don’t think it’s expected by the guests, he does.
Post # 8
How do his parents feel? Maybe they could convince him. (Not that your opinion doesn’t matter. Just saying other people close to him might be able to make him budge.) Also, if his accommodations were paid for, because he was in these weddings, maybe you could show him this etiquette thing about how that was proper etiquette for people in the wedding party. Then show him how paying for every guest’s lodging, was not required.
Is he concerned that some people won’t come or can’t afford to come if you don’t pay? Maybe he is looking for a bigger reception and wantsto make sure people come. Would it make him happy if you pitch in money to offset the costs? And the guests make up the difference?
If he is so set on it, maybe you two can sit down and see what the cost will be, and how you will work that into your wedding budget. What will you give up to do this? Maybe he’ll see that paying for their rooms just can’t be done. Or maybe you can swing it to make him happy.
Post # 9
Oh, I totally don’t think it’s necessary to pay for EVERYONE. Family and Bridal Party I think it is a nice gesture/almost a requirement (well for me it would be). If i was you, I would cover that. But, I’m also the bride who paid for her bridesmaid dresses and hair and whole shebang.
It’s not that you’d have to get rooms for everyone, but you’d have to take into consideration people/friends deciding to room together and some people not, etc. What a pain. What if someone says they’ll come, then backs out? YOU guys get penalized! Sucky.
Why don’t you just pay for breakfast for all your guests in the morning? Unless that’s included since it’s a B/B?
Seriously, just put nice baskets with snacks and a bottle of wine in your guests’ room! Then, you’re still being REALLY hospitable, but you’re not literally paying all that money for their rooms. It’s not all or nothing, there are some in-between hospitable things to do that your guests will appreciate.
Post # 10
Hmm.. good question. Depends on the number of people involved. We are having one, and the guests are paying for themselves. But we are paying for their transportation from the airport, which would be 20pp each way otherwise, minimum. Do what you can to make your guests comfortable but don’t blow your budget or put yourself in a bad place – if they can’t afford it, they probably would decline the invitation.
Post # 11
Wow Med, I’m in the same boat as you!
Since we want to run away to Hawaii and get married, the thought of inviting our parents and paying for their lodging and transportation was a given.
However, since it would be a small party (think 6 friends on each side), FI wanted to pay for all lodging costs. If he could, he would pay for their airfare too! However, I made a point to stress is that if his friends truly wanted to be there, then they will. He thinks that it’s such a huge hardship for his friends that he has to pay for them (which brings up, his friends get a free ride and mine don’t?!).
Being that they will know a year in advance, I’m pretty positive they can figure it out. We may end up giving an "allowance" of some sorts via gift card or paying hotel.
It’s hard b/c as much as friends want to be there, if you knew their financial situation wouldn’t allow them to be there, you’d still understand just the same.
Post # 12
Thanks for the responses ladies! I think that we *may* have found some common ground (we’re really good at compromising LOL!). No matter how we slice it, we will be covering immediate family and since the bridal party and groomsmen are all immediate family, then we have taken care of them as well 🙂 If we have extra rooms (depending on whether or not we choose a B&B or a cabin type set up), we’ll divvy them up. Otherwise, we will try to work out a block rate with a hotel nearby.
Post # 13
Yeah it’s super generous if you’re able to cover everyone but I don’t think it is necessary at all. I’m glad you and your FI found some common ground. 🙂
We only covered our parents, the guests all paid their own hotel rooms. We searched for good rates for our hotel as well as nearby hotels. When we noticed Expedia was having a sale (cheaper than the blocked rate the hotel gave us), we emailed everyone so majority of our guests stayed in the same hotel.
Post # 14
We are also having a "destination wedding." We have rented a 7-bedroom house to accomodate ourselves and bridal party. Everyone else is on their own.