- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Why is he asking if you are okay? Are you acting kind of sad lately? You probably shouldn't tell your BF that you are sad about not being engaged since that sort of puts the pressure on him to think you really want to be engaged.
MissAsB,
Yeah, I probably have been acting sad lately. Not to make him feel bad or guilty though but because I've genuinely been feeling depressed. Not JUST about us not being engaged yet although that definitely has alot to do with it, but about other stuff too. Mostly because we're in a long distance relationship and haven't been able to see each other much lately, and so this long distance thing feels like it's getting harder and harder. We've been long distance going on almost three years now.
I wouldn't lie to your boyfriend especially you are in a serious relationship. He should be your best friend that you can talk to about anything and while I wouldn't push the engagement issue and make him feel like that is the only reason you are sad talk to him about what is bothering you.
Why do you think that his asking if you're okay is related to implementing Mr. Bee's plan? I think honesty is the best policy - and if you're feeling depressed and strained in the relationship, you two need to talk about it. Just leave engagement out of it, because the focus should be on where your relationships is right now, not the hypothetical.
I completely understand and Im in the same boat too. Its very difficult but you can just tell him you've been in a funk lately. If he keeps pushing the issue of what the funk is.. be honest. Just tell him that you dont want to pressue him so you havent brought it up, but the distance is really taking a toll on you. I am also in a LDR and I am very honest to Mr. Tee about when Im feeling sad about the distance..
roxy & cinnamon,
Thanks for your input. I see what you're saying. However, it's sort of hard to leave engagement out of it. Reason being is that like I said this whole long distance thing is getting harder and harder for me/us. However, he's known for a really long time that I have a strong preference for not moving in together until after we're engaged. So, unless and until we get engaged, it feels like we're kind of in this akward limbo type phase where nothing is going to really change or progress until we actually get engaged. I guess though that I can still try not to bring up wanting to get engaged and just mention if he asks what's wrong that this whole long distance thing is getting difficult because I love him so much and really miss him when we're apart, and then just NOT mention engagement stuff like I normally would?
Thanks for the advice Ren. Have you also told your S.O. that you don't want to live together until you're engaged? Just curious...
Yes. I live in Atlanta and he lives in Pittsburgh and I have made it VERY clear that I wont move up there until there is some kind of ring on my finger..
Hmmm... I hear you about why you don't want to bring it up. But I think this falls back into the category that you need to decide if this relationship is for you. If he is not going to propose and you can't discuss the topic, how long are you willing to stay. I'm sorry to say it that way but you need to make yourself happy. Emotional support is a huge aspect of the relationship, make sure the person you are with is providing this type of support or it may be very difficult for a marriage to work. *hugs*
Thanks for letting me know Ren. If he'd asked me a year or so ago to have DD and I move in with him, I might have said yes. However, now that it's going on almost 3 years together, I feel like he should probably know by now (or should know very soon at least) whether or not he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me). So, at this point, I don't want to uproot my life and my daughter's life to go live with him without the commitment of engagement/marriage.
Roxy,
Yeah, I see what you're saying. I do feel like he's normally pretty emotionally supportive.
How long have you been together? Have you spent any time discussing where you are in terms of commitment? (Other than letting him know you won't move unless you're engaged.... He might not know that means you are ready.)
I like your plan though. I think it's OK to talk about why you're sad and the LDR etc.
My BF originally asked me back in Sept. of '09 to please go look at engagement rings with him. Yet, he never actually took me to look at them. He then brought it up again about a month ago, but yet again never actually followed through with taking me to look at rings. So, he says we'll get engaged and married but since he hasn't proposed yet and he's been really flaky about going to look at rings, I'm just not quite sure what to think. That's why I'm thinking it's probably time for me to start doing Mr. Bee's Backup Plan. If for no other reason than to help me focus on myself more so that I can stop obsessing so much about the whole engagement thing.
Tanya,
Our 3 year (dating) anniversary is coming right up at the end of May. He definitely knows that I am really in love with him and feel more than ready for us to get engaged.
Also, I really have been feeling genuinely sad lately so I haven't had to "act" sad since that's really how I've been feeling.
However, if I try to think more positively and "act" happier or maybe even genuinely start to FEEL happier regardless of our currently unengaged status, won't my BF think why change anything and get engaged since she already seems perfectly happy right now with the way things are?
Also, my BF had originally said that we'd definitely be engaged be engaged by the end of '09 which obviously didn't happen. He then said we'd get engaged by the end of either January or February which didn't happen. So, I'm starting to get a bit nervous that it kind of seems like he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear in order for me to stay with him (i.e. that we'll be getting engaged soon), yet maybe he doesn't have any actual intentions to propose to me anytime soon if ever. I really hope that's not the case, but it's getting to be hard not to worry about that when he keeps giving me these timelines and then missing them and when he's asked me a couple times to please go look at rings with me yet then comes up with lame excuses for not going to look at them after all...
Just because people are ready for an engagement doesn't mean rings get put on anyone's fingers. My husband waited until 3.5 years although we knew we wanted to get engaged--there are other factors going on, ESPECIALLY in a long distant relationship. I felt like that seriously played into things for us.
Just tell him you're bummed and the LDR is hard.
Do you really think being engaged will magically make you happier? Or is there something else going on? Because while I understand wanting to get engaged, it shouldn't make you so depressed it affects your life.
In regards to the "if i start to act happier, he won't want to get engaged"...well, if you act depressed all the time, why would he want to propose to you? Also, changing the way you act in order to get your boyfriend to do something just sounds like you're playing games to me. Just be honest with him. Even if he proposes to you, what if you're sad a week later?
I think you SHOULD focus on yourself though. Push comes to shove, sometimes proposing to their girlfriend is VERY overwhelming for a guy. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you and/or wants to marry you.
Most of your posts about how sad/depressed/bummed/frustrated you are about not being engaged. I understand that to an extent, but don't let it rule your life. Focus on other things. Or, just have a man to man type talk with your boyfriend. Call him out on the flakiness. Don't beat around the bush. For us, that is effective because we are relatively straight fowrard communicators.
Thank you very much for your input ejs.
I think one of the biggest reasons I get depressed about not being engaged yet is not only because not seeing each other very often is getting to be really difficult, but also because I think we're at the point now where one of two things is going to happen. That we'll either be getting engaged prettty soon or breaking up pretty soon. Now, I love my BF so much and I definitely don't WANT us to break up. However, I don't know if I can see myself investing much more than 3 years in a relationship with him if he still doesn't know by then that he wants to marry me. Like ejs, I would maybe wait longer such as 3.5 years if I felt I had good reason to believe that engagement/marriage were definitely on the horizon, but because of the flakiness my BF has shown, it's hard for me to feel confident that we're definitely going to get married.
Also ejs, yes I can see now why my BF might be hesistant to propose to someone that acts depressed alot of the time. He actually even told me recently that he's a little worried that if we get married someday I might cheat on him and/or leave him. I was COMPLETELY shocked that he said that as I have never in my life cheated on him or on ANY guy for that matter. So, I asked him why he was worried about that. He said that he worries a little bit about that because since I seem depresed alot of the time, he kind of worries that maybe I'll never feel truly satisfied, and he thinks if I'm not truly satisfied that I might cheat on him someday and/or leave him. It made me so sad to hear him say that as I would never, ever do that to him since I love him so much. For some reason, it seems as though he has somewhat of a fear of abandonment. Not quite sure where that stems from as he has a great relationship with both of his parents (who are still together), and he never had a girlfriend that left him. However, he apparently like I said is worried that I would maybe leave him someday due to unmet needs.
Buzzingbee,
I think the idea that a man won't propose if he can get away with not proposing (the why propose if you are happy question) is way off. Men frequently want to get married. Surely you want him to want to get married. I don't think you being happy will put off the proposal in any way.
Arachna,
Thanks so much for your input. What you said really made alot of sense. 
You know what, I can TOTALLY understand your SO's concerns.
DH was sorta depressed in the army. I sat him down and we had a chat. His "blue days" had turned into some "blue weeks" and while i told him i did want to marry him, I didn't want to be with someone that couldn't be a happy person. Who let their depression poison their life. He didn't want meds, he just sorta wallowed in his bum moods. I understand he was depressed, but i also told him in a year or 2 i didn't want to be having the same discussion with him--why don't you want to go out? why can't you be happy about anything? And yes, if he's depressed all the time, i take it personally like he's not happy with ME. So we came to the conclusion that if/when he hits that point and I feel like it's affecting OUR lives together, i have the authority to essentially make him see a therapist or psychologist at some point. It's my call to determine how badly it has affected us. Since getting OUT of the army, i have not seen this side of him. I think his fear of you cheating because you're unhappy is valid! not necessarily a fear of abandonment. I had the same concerns with DH--if i can't make him happy, what will? And, at some point, would he seek happiness THERE? I know depression doesn't work that way, but i coudln't help but have that thought creep into my head sometimes.
It doesn't seem too off of a concept to me. Work on making yourself happy and your boyfriend will follow. If you think you are THAT close to either get engaged or break up, you probably do need to have a serious talk with him. I usually don't like doing that, but I know DH and i had that talk before he got deployed. We knew we loved each other but we had yet to have That Talk and it wasn't unreasonable that, if i was going to graduate college and move where he wanted me to (ST. louis) for us to talk about lives together, our futures, together. Otherwise, why in the hell would I stick by him during his deployment if there wasn't something "together" on the other side? I imagine it's the same thing with you--uprooting your life with your child and moving to be with him.
But if you are unhappy in general (are you depressed?? or is it just engaged stuff getting to you?), then is a ring on your finger going to fix anything? Sometimes it's easy to say "oh i love my boyfriend, if we were engaged that'd fix everything! i'd be happy!" but in reality it doesn't.
I don't think that he is going to think that you don't want to be engaged just because you start to actually not be completely depressed about life overall. He knows that you aren't happy with the long distance because no one is happy with long distance over the long run. But it might be good for you to try and get out so that you aren't sad all the time.
ejs & MissAsB,
Thanks so much for the input you gave me in your last posts. You both gave me alot to think about.
I have an ever so slightly diff perspective but believe Mr. Bee's approach is right on!
If I were truly miffed and at the end of my rope waiting to see what my guy was going to do (engaged or not), then if he asked me and I was not feeling happy, I might be obliged to say something like this- "Well I just have alot on my mind and am doing some serious consideration about things." Then I'd leave it a bit vague. I know he'd wonder what was I considering. Was I considering how long I'd be willing to wait on him? Was I considering cooking meatloaf for dinner? Was I considering breaking up w/him because he is taking too long?
I'd let him wonder. But I'd also not let him see me wallow in being upset about not being engaged. Who wants to marry a gloomy gal?
that's just what I'd do.
Btw, I waited almost an entire year longer than I thought I'd have to wait to get engaged, but stuck it out and actually began to enjoy our "pre engagement glow" towards the end of my waiting b/c he was so worth the wait and b/c I knew we were both on the same life path.
Well said bellenga! I like the being vague thing so he would mull it over in his own mind and you wouldn't have to outright say that you are annoyed about not being engaged.
And BTW I was waiting for the proposal for a year past when he had the ring too. He just wanted to make it special.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| hisgoosiegirl | 24 |
| Gemstone | 23 |
| Beckster329 | 23 |
| MissBoPeep | 20 |
| Rivendeler | 19 |
| Mrs.KMM | 16 |
| Rojocameo | 16 |
| couawilou | 15 |
| beargoose | 15 |
| BetterSherm | 15 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 3 |
| MsMamaBear | 2 |
| batwoman | 2 |
| LittleMusic | 2 |
| bellasperanza | 2 |
| killerQueen13 | 2 |
| Mrs.KMM | 1 |
| KatNYC2011 | 1 |
| Wonderstruck | 1 |
| bookworm88 | 1 |
What should we do if while instituting Mr. Bee's Back Up Plan, our boyfriend asks us are you okay? What do you ladies (& Mr. Bee if he sees this post) think is the right thing to say to that? Should we say fine or great even if we're actually feeling pretty depressed about not being engaged yet?