Post # 1
As you may know I’m a waiting bee and posted some vents about my waiting for the ring. Well, no news in that area, unfortunatly 🙁
Anyway, some bees asked me if I have a walking away date, like decide to wait another year or months and then, if nothing changes, just leave. That it’s not an option for me, and this thread is not about that.
The thing is, imagine this situation: you want to marry or be engaged and he is not ready for that next step, so you decide to walk away and find the commitment you want with another person, so, imagine that he regrets it, and wants you back and proposes, would you still marry this man?
I don’t think I would, since, if he wanted to marry me he would propose in the first place, without me having to threat him; and seconds, I think I would feel that I was forcing him to marry me, and because of that, that marriage of probably not work anyway. But then, I would like to hear your opinions in this 🙂
Post # 3
While it hasn’t happened to me, I would say it’s somewhat common for the guy to “wake up” and approach the girl with a ring or renewed commitment. The past few years whenever I met someone new I was always straight-forward in that I was looking to spend the rest of my life with someone and that they pretty much had one shot at it. I would not go through the breakup-get-back-together-breakup cycle with anyone.
Post # 4
If it comes to the point where I have to force my boyfriend into marrying me, I would save my dignity and walk out before even making such request.
Post # 5
@lsimpson: To me, probably I wouldn’t.
If I walked away, that means I didn’t love him as much as I thought I did. Also it’s not fair for your new SO to be the rebound and break up the engagement.
It really depends if you still love the man though.
Post # 6
There are a ton of other bees who have asked the same question. This thread:
This thread is also one of the million that have been posted about it that sticks out to me.It explains both sides and some bees have stated it beautifully about what it means to them as well as what they would do if the partner changed his/her mind.
Post # 7
I never had a “walk away” date personally. I wanted to be with my FI and if he never proposed, I would have found a way to deal with it.
That being said, I can understand the concept of walk away dates and I fully support Waiting Bees who have them. The problem is you have to stick with them if you make them. If he comes back and proposes, it’s just because he doesn’t want to lose you, not because he’s finally “ready.”
Post # 8
I “walked” about 6 weeks ago because I thought a proposal was coming soon and I found out that it wasn’t. A lot has happened since that day, he has talked to me like he never has before and has explained to me why he kept me waiting and where all the false promises came from, and we have been to counselling to talk through some of those issues.
Since then he has proposed I think 3 times and every single time I know that he was 100% genuine. I haven’t said yes yet because the time hasn’t been right, but when it is I will.
I just want to say though that I didn’t leave to blackmail him into doing what I wanted, when I left I was leaving with the intention of starting a new life without him.
Post # 9
I think it would depend on how long he waited to do so?
I didn’t have a ‘walk date’ but I did get fed up and came very close to leaving once. I was working on getting into an apartment when he found out. He knew I was serious about moving forward with my life but he said he didn’t know it was ‘that serious’. (that I would leave him)
He begged me to stay and told me he was working on it (I didn’t know till then). I stayed … three months later he asked. I often wonder what would have happened if I would’ve walked but now I am happier then ever.
I think this would be different for every relationship. If it appears that he ‘woke up’ and realized what he was about to lose – or made it visible that a plan was in process then I think I would think twice about leaving. Just because he didn’t wake up sooner doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. He has admitted since that he even wanted to do it sooner he just kept putting it off…when I ask him why he tells me he honestly didn’t know. It’s a big step for a guy – it’s pretty scary for them too.
I don’t feel like I forced him to marry me or that I ‘threatened’ him to ask me. I just feel like we had a little episode that got us both on the same page. I needed forward momentum and he didn’t want to lose me.
Post # 10
I know this approach has worked for some women (and some subsequently re-united couples), and more power to them! I came to the conclusion sometime ago that it wwasn’t the right tactic for me, however. I can understand a woman making this decision if she feels like her SO is “wasting” her time, with no intent to commit, and feels that she would perhaps be better off spending that time looking for someone who would commit to her (after all, sometimes love ISN’T enough, no matter what the storybooks say). In my case, I have absolutely no interest in seeking another partner; if I were not with my SO, I would prefer to be single (and not dating even casually), so I would gain no benefit by leaving him.
I have sometimes thought about moving out of our shared home, however. Not ending the relationship, but taking it back to a stage where I can say, “We now know that we can happily live together. I want us to be at least engaged before we start living like a married couple once again, since we initially made that move on the shared understanding that an engagement, and subsequent marriage, would follow once we had confirmed our ability to cohabit peacefully.” I’ve considered this because it’s very clear my SO is quite content with the current situation and has no motivation to change it/move forward at this time.
I think that if I completely terminated a relationship, though, then that would be the end of it for me. I’m not a yo-yo.
Post # 11
I had a “walk date”. I told him after 5 years of dating, I’m done. I’m over it. I knew he was the guy I wanted to marry but I wasn’t going to be what I felt was being strung along for years. He’s in his 30s and wanted to be a dad by 35. K, put a ring on it. 🙂 He agreed that 5 years is ridiculous for us and he put a ring on it after 3.5. He never had an issue with my 5-year limit because he’s really understanding like that. I wouldn’t make him wait for something he wanted for 5 years…so he didn’t make me wait.
If he wanted me back after that, I’d have to say nope. I would have said yes with no ring and all. I think it’s more of a principle thing than anything. It’s not about forcing anyone to do anything – I know a lot of bees keep their walk date to themselves. I’m just loud and vocalize everything, lol.
Post # 12
@Polyphemus: I agree with you!
Men can grow acostumed to have a “wife” and a married life without having to commit themselfs.
Post # 13
I’m not sure how I feel about this whole idea. If you won’t give me a ring…you can’t have me at all!
It seems very manipulative. If you leave the guy and he wants to be with you, the only option he has not is to propose or he loses you.
How is this fair?
Post # 14
I’d never want to feel I pressured him into marrying me, the whole marriage would be built on a highly unstable point… therefore I absolutely cannot recommend walking-away dates. I actually didn’t know if I was going to marry my FI for years… (whether I could really rely on him enough to be my husband for the rest of my life)…but that was not a reason to break up with him, either. Finally I realized I could rely on him. He felt he could rely on me. Now we are engaged. No browbeating on either side.