Post # 1
I am new to these boards. But I’ve followed some of your stories and have smiles with some and felt frustrations of the others as they touched on my story quite a bit.
I actually came here to make a post because I wanted to ask you ladies who are engaged or married about your significant other. I’ve always heard from happily married couples that when they met their husband, it was an instant “ah ha!” moment, like a bulb went off in their head and things were easy from the start. Was it the case for you?
I ask because I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 2.5 years. Things were never easy for us. We were different from the beginning – as my therapist likes to say “different class, different leagues”. But where I lacked strength, he had strength and vice versa, and somehow we made it work. Well, the time has come for me to think about family ( I am 27, he is 34) and my future. And to be very frank, I’d love to be married and have children, but I often have doubts if he is the right man for me especially when I talk to my parents and see their relationship.
They are truly best friends. They love the same activities, have differnt professions but relate on more of a common interest level. My boyfriend and I don’t. And I’m afraid I’m going in to comparing my relationship (x) to everyone else’s (y). So any time I see (y) that I wish I had, I kind of look at my (x) and get disappointed that that’s not how mine is. At what point do I slap myself with reality and say what I have is enough?
So without digressing further, I want to loop back to my original question – how did you feel when you first met your SO and how did your relationship evolve from there? I’d love to hear and read everyone’s experience with either having the “ah ha!” moment or developing a different meaning of that feeling with time.
p.s. I hope it’s OK I posted this under proposals. I’m thinking about engagement actively and this is a very heavy question that weighs in my mind.
Post # 2
Well when FI and I had our first date we felt such an immediate and strong connection that neither of us wanted the date to end. So we went on about an 8 hour first date. From there we quickly became best friends and couldn’t get enough of each other. We have similar interest and goals but his personality is very laid back and I am very controlling, so in that respect we work perfectly.
We fell head over heels in love immediately and I knew he was the one within the first month (i just didn’t tell him that). After he propsed a year and a half later he told me he had been saving for the ring since our first date.
my point is, when it’s right, you’ll know it. You sound like you are settling for “good ebough” when you should be reaching for extraordinary
Post # 3
My husband and I had a very rocky dating relationship. We dated, very briefly in college. We were never really friends but good aquaintances who got along great. It wasn’t a surprise that we drifted apart when he joined the Navy. We did stay in touch somewhat, we were facebook friends and all that. It was seven years later that we began talking seriously, and thus began dating. It was like a wildfire, hot and consumed everything it touched. He asked me to be his girlfriend and a couple weeks after that he flew me out to see him for three weeks. Literally, when I saw him the moment I stepped off the airplane, I knew. When we dated before, we were just kids. We had no idea what we wanted in a mate, and we had both matured & made something of ourselves in those seven years. He ran across the area right outside security, swept me in his arms and kissed me (For the first time between us.) That was when I knew that my life would be nothing without him. It wasn’t as much of an “Ah ha!” moment as a realization that I couldn’t live without him in my life.<br /><br />I hope you find what you seek. Everybody deserves a love like wildfire.
Post # 4
This is a fantastic question to ask, and I wish you and your boyfriend all the best going forward. When FI and I started dating, I was insecure and recently (as in 3 months prior) out of the only other “real” relationship I had ever had. I was a wreck, and had no idea what a healthy loving relationship looked like, much less what I wanted, or how to make a normal relationship work. <br /><br />Every time things got difficult, or I felt insecure, I would try and leave the relationship. And by this I mean I would be super dramatic and be all “I don’t know if I can handle this, this is not what I wanted”. I literally had zero idea what I was saying, and I was a complete mess. My fiance is the most incredible person in the universe for lovingly supporting me through all of this, while holding my hand and telling me that it was okay and we were going to do this together. We had been friends for years before, so he knew I wasn’t an actual melodramatic psycho, I just had immense trouble valuing myself enough to be in an incredible relationship with zero drama, and zero problems. It took about 7 months to get completely through this period, and ultimately we are a freaking ironclad couple as a result. Whatever happens, we are PARTNERS. It was not a strict ah-ha moment, it was a gradual… lessening of pressure. I slowly started worrying less that he would disappear like so many guys and friends before him. I slowly started relaxing and enjoying myself more without worrying about the consequences (e.g. when we first began dating I avoided holding his hand if my palms were sweaty – he then had to convince me that he wanted to hold my hands “sweaty palms and all”). And then all of a sudden I wasn’t jumping to silly dramatic exclamations at every opportunity, and I became more of an equal partner. Now we help and support each other equally – I just had a lot of emotional baggage to get over at the beginning, and that my FI was there for me and got me through that.. is something I will never stop finding incredible. The bottom line is this: relationships are so messy, and we never get that narrative from conventional media, or even from those we need to hear it from, e.g. our friends. People go through lots, and everything brings something different to the table in a relationship, and ultimately you have to wade through it all as a team. If neither of you are up for it – in the long haul – then that is when you call things quits and go your separate ways. Otherwise, buckle up!<br /><br />
Post # 5
FutureMrsHodgy: I just want to chime in again and say that she might not be settling. That is something truly only she can know for herself. The bottom line is that different couples are different, and thus present differently. FI and I are, for example, very independent when we’re out with each other. Sure we might squeeze each other’s hand every once in awhile, but we mingle separately often, and sometimes when we meet knew people, they don’t know we’re a couple because we don’t “cling”. There is only so much you can tell from a couples’ dynamic from outward appearance!
Post # 6
my gosh, please excuse all my typos. Darn iPhone!
Post # 7
It was so not live at first sight. I wasn’t that attracted to my fiance. He made me laugh so I kept going out in dates with him. Lol. I think he is the sexiest beast ever now…fast forward a year and a half to us moving in together. Opposites do nit attract. Different league, different class came out and reared it’s ugly head. I am from a militry father and a clean freak mother. He was raised by a single mom who was a straight up hoarder. It was a very rocky few months. I’m also an extrovert and he’s an introvert. I wish all the time that he was more outgoing, that his energy didn’t drain from going out and that he’d rrather stay home. I made a decision that I’d rather be oUT without him 4 times out of 5 and him be happy to see my when I get home then to not marry him. Not an easy choice and I do resent him sometimes for being an antisocial slob, but at the end of the day he’s my antisocial slob. Lol
Post # 8
HippyBunniesinLove: the fact that she is comparing her relationship to others and having doubts is what is making me think she’s settling. But you’re right that none of us know OP’s personal situation.
Post # 9
My BF and I met in a professional situation. I work in banking and I was assisting him with a major transaction that took over 6 months. The first day I met him I thought that he was funny and very silly. I was attracted to him but it was more of a he’s cute and fun to flirt with kind of way. Very early on in the transaction I met his father, I think it was actually the second or maybe third time that I had conducted a meeting with my BF actually. His Dad watched us interact and when he got home he told his wife of 38 years that we had something between us that was very special and he was pretty sure that he had just met his son’s future wife. He never told my BF about the conversation and he never mentioned it to me. The first time that I heard anything of it was a few weeks ago when we were all together for dinner. His Dad is a man of few words and when he was telling the entire family about this conversation it made me very happy. He’s someone who I have a lot of respect for and his approval of our relationship is very important to both my BF and I.
Fast forward almost 3 years, a failed engagment on his part, a serious relationship failing on my part, about 8900 text messages (I saved them all, yes I’m a sap), a couple of sort of maybe lunch dates and we ended up at dinner together on a random Monday night. He was just my friend, we were always flirting, we would text each other silly things but I never thought anything would come of it. I fell for him that night and hard. What I didn’t know is that for the ENTIRE time that we were friends he always had a thing for me. He never said anything, he never acted on it and he was always very respectful of my relationship at the time. I didn’t know right away. It didn’t sock me in the face like I thought that it would. But I know that he is my one and only.
I don’t doubt it and when I compare our relationship to others I do see that we have strengths and weaknesses. But we are us, we are happy, we love each other dearly and we want our relationship to work. I think that is the most important part.
And btw, I have 95,000 text messages and counting. He has no idea I have them all and he has mentioned several times that if we could have a book it would tell our story from the start. So for our wedding gift I’m going to have them all bound in to a book. I hope to have them all until the last few days before we are married. On the last page I’m just going to put, And they lived happily ever after…
Post # 10
FutureMrsHodgy: You’re right completely about her making comparisons to others’ relationships, but I do want to sort of empathize because I did that quite a lot when FI and I started dating – it was an insecurity thing which I worked over, but it did take time. My concern is that when FI and I started dating we were very young – this sort of insecurity should be worked through by now for the OP
Post # 11
I think a good balance of having things in common and having your own thing is important. Each couple is different though as to what the balance is for them.
As for my SO and I, I can still see him walking into the restaurant for our first date. It was love at first sight on both our ends 🙂
Post # 12
it sounds silly, but my first thought the first time I saw my husband was “I’m going to marry that man”, and here we are less than two years latter, happily married. My Mom says she actually had the same thought the first time she saw my Dad and they were married within the year, and are coming up on their 27th anniversary next much.
Our relationship has not always been easy, we’ve had our challenges, but I never doubted whether he was the one through any of it. We had an immediate connection, and I can’t imagine life without him. He is absolutely my one great love, somehow my gut just knew it from that first date, and he felt the same way.
With that being said, you really need to stop comparing your relationship to others. Everyone’s relationship is different. What you really need to do is think about it objectively. Do you love your boyfriend? Are the challenges in your relationship worth it? Are you happy? And can you picture what your relationship will look like in 5, 10, 20 years? Will you be happy with your choice then? You shouldn’t be settling for good enough just because you’re feeling like you’re ready to start a family. If you don’t know after 2.5 years I have a feeling he might not be the one, but that’s ultimately for you to decide.
Post # 13
Nope. He says I turned him down 3 times before agreeing to go out with him. I did, kinda. Not on purpose. But I did cancel 3 times. He kept asking.
And the first time I met him, I didn’t think much of it. He didn’t take my advice (he admits now he should have!) The next time I couldn’t figure out why he was eating with us. I knew him for almost a year before he asked me out.
It took a number of dates before I thought ‘oh, this could be very, very good.’ I liked him. I thought he was smart and a really nice guy, but it wasn’t ‘OMG, I need to marry you and have your babies” at the start.
We don’t have all the same interests (he’s currently comcasting old rugby highlights. I will never understand that.) We do have some overlap though. The overlap is nice to share, the differences give us something to talk about.
What we do share is our outlook on life, marriage, family. We laugh, a lot. At very inappropriate stuff. He has my back. I have his. I genuinely want to make him happy everyday and I think he feels the same. Our similarities give us common ground to meet on, our differences make us interesing to one another, I think.
Post # 14
I really don’t think there is a right way to feel at the beginning….and I think a lot of has to do with each individual person and their past. My DH is my brothers best friend. I always thought he was funny, but didn’t really take him seriously as I was older and wrote him and all my brothers friends off (not in a bad way, just never considered dating them). Then we hung out one weekend 5 years ago with my brother and continued to hang out after that. I just REALLY liked him, but we did hit a few rough patches. I always knew that if I didn’t make it work I would regret it.
But did I know he was my future husband? Not really. We took it really slow. We didn’t want to make his friendship awkward with my brother if it didn’t work out. We didn’t say I Love You for 6 months. Everything just developed naturally and I didn’t really think about marriage, which honestly, was a relief. I spent 4 years with someone in college and that’s all I could think about! With my DH, I just enjoyed being with him.
There were no “fireworks”. Not to say we weren’t attracted…we were, trust me. But it wasn’t this big amazing romantic thing. I didn’t have an “aha” moment- i just enjoyed him so much. He didn’t sweep me off my feet….he made me LAUGH. We would stay up for hours and kill ourselfs at work the next day for being soooo tired. I always knew if we decided to get married, we would do it for all the right reasons, and I knew I wanted to make it work more than anything. Maybe I was guarding myself because I had always known him as my brothers best friend. I don’t know. All I know, is that we’ve hit some rough patches, but our relationship gets better every year. We became best friends before anything, that was and is the most important thing to us. Our romance and intimacy stems from that.
Really, only you can know if it’s right. It doesn’t matter what other people’s experiences are, because we are all so different. My best friend knew she was going to marry her DH within the first week and they were married a year later. There is NO way I would be able to do that…it’s not really how I work, or my DH. Does it make their relationship better? Of course not! We are all on different journeys:) you just have to know what is right for YOU. Good Luck!
Post # 15
MadamMiko: From day one I felt like this was too good to be true. Close to two years later I still feel like this is too good to be true. We definitely have the same interests and personalities and even now I still get excited to hurry home and see him. it was definitely the spark and lightbulb moments from the beginning. There was also a lightbulb moment about my past relationships where I realized just how hard I had tried to make the wrong situations work and it just clicked that relationships didn’t have to be that hard and that all of my doubts were there for a reason.