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FI and I combined our finances last summer and I am not happy with our current set-up. FI really wanted to just combine our finances together and I wasn't thrilled with the idea but decided to go with it to see if it worked. Well, 6 months down the line, I don't like how things are managed or well not managed.
Our current system is that we have a checking account for bills (mortgage, water, gas, electric etc) and a general checking account for everything else (food, gas, entertainment etc) We also have a savings account. My problem is that I partially wish I had some money that was just mine and also FI and I don't talk about money enough. He does all the bills (that's what he wanted) and I often feel out of the loop when money just starts getting moved around. I don't like feeling out of control with my finances.
So, if you have combined your finances with FI or husband please share your finance set-up and system with me. Also, how do you talk with FI or keep up with eachother's money activities? I really need help with this!
We have a joint chequing account where both of our pay cheques get deposited. We pay all of our bills out of this account and split the difference. The "split difference" gets put into our own chequing account. It works really well for us! Once we finish paying our student debt we'll reassess and determine an amount to go into savings, and then split the difference after that gets taken out too :)
What's the reasoning behind wanting money that's "just yours"? Do you feel like FI gets mad if you spend money on shoes, clothes, etc? Or is it an issue with feeling like you don't have independence?
my fi and i started combining finances after i quit my job, so our situation is different. he pretty much deals with the bills and the money too, but i don't mind it as much, first of all because he's bringing in the money, second of all because i just have no interest in it. we've discussed what the money goes to so it's not like i'm not in the loop, and if we want to make any big purchases he always asks me first. it works for us, but different things work for different people.
You should talk to him. You have to find a system that works.
Personally, for us, we combined everything and we both pay bills out of it... some, like his student loans, for example, I just let him handle. (We both own homes still, so we both take care of our separate mortgage payments as well).
I have a friend who has her hubby pay everything - she has a hard time with it as well, because she doesn't know what's going on... She's taking over again, and they are discussing things.
You have to find a system that works for both of you.
We'll have a joint checking account that will swallow both of our paychecks. The money in that account will be used to pay bills each month, with as much stuff automated as possible. We'll also have our own separate accounts, and each month, we'll get an allowance. This money can be used for individual purchases, i.e. shoes for me, XBox games for him; and gifts. After paying bills and doling out allowances, the money leftover will go into a joint savings account. That money will be used to pay for stuff like vacations. Each month, we'll try to allocate extra money to the loan with the highest interest rate, and as loans are repaid (mortgages, student loans, car payments), we'll reassess our individual allowances and perhaps allocate even more money to pay off the high-interest loans.
Hilsy- FI doesn't care if I buy things for myself and my spending is not extravagent anyways. I think it's more of a control thing for me. I am not used to someone taking $100 out of the atm and forgetting to tell me. He is not doing bad things with the money, but I feel like I am in the dark. This sounds dumb, but I think our bigger problem is not talking about finances often enough and I am not sure how to do that.
We have a joint checking account for almost everything - bills, groceries, going out to eat, car repair, his motorcycle, books, etc.
We also each have our own checking accounts, in which we keep a sort of "allowance." From the allowance, we buy personal stuff: I satisfy my clothing/shoe obsession, he buys his cigarettes, and we also use this for any time we go out without each other, like when I eat out for lunch or spend a day drinking at the bar with my mom (lol). Our allowances are pretty small right now, but that's because we're saving for our wedding.
Finally, we have a joint savings account.
To touch on the second part of your post, that you feel out of the loop and you don't talk about money with your FI, I agree with lara bee: you guys need to talk about it. Even if he's paying all the bills, you should know when they're due and how much they're for, and which account the money is coming out of, etc. Money can be a sensitive issue, but I think it's really important to be open and honest about what you guys are spending and how you're making payments for things. And it sounds like you WANT to be involved, which is a good thing. I bet your FI will be happy to bring you more into the loop.
We started with separate accounts, and got a joint account when we bought a house together. Since then we now deposit our paychecks to the joint account, and get automatic withdrawls to our personal checking, personal savings, and joint savings. We've also automated as many bills as we possibly could.
So, for example, all household bills are paid out of the joint account. Then my checking is for discretionary money, which for us includes eating out, gas, entertainment, any shopping, etc. Then the personal savings is for presents or toys (his fishing stuff, my whatever - right now wedding dress cause I went over budget).
You may feel more comfortable with a personal checking account for everyday expenses, and with automating the bill paying. I love FI, but I don't want him to know how much I spend at Starbucks each week, as long as I keep it off the credit card.
We joined accounts when we bought our house. We both sit down and write out bills together. and whatever we have left over, we put 1/2 into savings, and then the rest we spend. We let each other know if we have spent anything out of the account so at all times both of us are aware of our account balance.
Ahh ok, so it sounds not so much like you want you "own money" but more that you want control in how you guys handle the money that you share. Which completely understandable--it's a little unsettling to have no idea where your money is going, how much he's taking out, etc. I really think t hat communuicating your feelings to him is important; he might feel like he's relieving you of the burden of worrying about money, when in reality you want to be more involved.
Our situation is similar to yours (or it will be, once we get around to combining accounts!): we're going to have one joing checking and one joint savings. All bills will be paid out of the joint checking, and we can use that money for anything else we need (clothes, games, dinners out, etc.). My FI handles most of the money (he's in finance and is good at it!), but I know what's going on with our money and how much we have, and we take turns paying our credit cards.
I have my own accounts but I sometimes still feel out of the loop regarding what's going on in our joint account because FH manages that. He doesn't do anything we haven't agreed on but I still feel not informed sometimes. So when I feel out of the loop and have time I go online and look at our joint accounts and see how much money is where and what it's been spent on. If something doesn't look right or I don't get it I ask him about it and we talk about it. But my FH loves to talk about money so that's not a problem.
I think if you have one person managing finances talking about it is key, key, key. Does he ever move money around without telling you? Does he not like to talk about money? Have the two of you sat down and looked at all your accounts? I'd recommend it.
I would also definitely set up personal accounts for the two of you. I think that helps a lot. It lets you have something that's just yours. It lets you decide on your own how much to save or spend each month and what you save is all yours to do with as you wish. It's nice.
You could also split the responsibility for bills, you take care of these and he takes care of those. If you had parts of your finances that you managed you would be in the loop and wouldn't feel out of control. That only seems fair to me.
Hilsy- I think the other issue here is that FI and I came into the relationship with totally different financial pictures. I have no student loans anymore, no car loan and no credit card debt. He has student loans, car loan, and about 15K in credit card debt. It's been a little overwhelming for me to deal with his financial situation as mine as well. I think we need to have a good long talk about everything because I often get lost in the shuffle of what he is doing financially. A good example is that he is trying to pay off the credit card debt, but I can never keep up with how much he is paying to that each month.
I do think that he almost doesn't want to bother me with the credit card debt, but I feel like it's hanging over our heads everyday!
FI and I adopted the attitude that there is no more his and hers when it comes to money; everything is ours. (We live in a community property state so legally it's that way anyways). Both of our paychecks go directly into our joint checking account. We use that account for everything: bills, daily expenses, luxuries. We don't control what the other person buys for themselves because it's their money as well. We do however talk about large purchases before we make them. Also, a portion of my paycheck gets deposited into a joint savings account and we set aside a portion of his paycheck for 401K and investing. He handles the day to day transactions of the 401K and investments but both our names are on everything and I know what is going on all around.
We are very open and honest about money and look at it as our money together, every last cent of it. Although my spending habits are more extravagant than his are, we've both learned to meet in the middle and I would never want to through away money that he earned in a way he didn't approve of.
We have a joint checking and savings and FI takes care of the bills. We also each have our own credit card which we use for all purchases, so technically, we don't see each other's every transaction. However, we do know what the other person is spending. For example, I know if he's going out doing something or if he's planning to run errands simply because we are usually aware of each other's schedules. If he wants to make some kind of purchase online or stop by the bank to withdraw cash, he'll mention it to me. Same thing with me. It doesn't feel like control on either side because we have the same financial goals and habits.
I think you should definitely talk with FI about finances, and don't treat it like a hard topic - this is something all couples talk about on a regular basis (or should, anyway =). I would just suggest trying to avoid making it sound like he is doing a bad job, because that could make him defensive . Just explain that you would like to be involved in the finances even though he can handle them himself because they're your finances. And then figure out how much you want to be spending vs. saving, what kind of transactions should be talked about before he does something (i.e. predictable monthly bills he can probably just pay without telling you, but if he wants to buy something out of the ordinary he should mention that.)
PS Just read your last message - I would definitely say you guys need to talk! If your money is going to pay off his debts, you should definitely understand exactly how much he owes, what the rates are, and what the plan is (agreed to by both of you) for paying everything off.
Here's a couple of things that help us talk about money/finances more often: First of all, we have an account on www.mint.com. It's a free budgeting/finance tracking website that basically synchs up with your checking/savings accounts. We both have the login information, so we can log-on at anytime and check the status of our spending for that month. The account lets you track by individual purchases, or by category of budget (like groceries, entertainment, etc...). It's really cool, and it makes it easy to see where our money is going every month and how to adjust our budget for savings, big purchases, etc...
Secondly, my husband and I have weekly "State of the Union" meetings. :) Just once a week, we put aside a little time before bed to talk about the next week's financial, social, etc... plans. Since my husband is in charge of finances in our house, he updates me on our budget and we talk about purchases for the next week ( what can we afford, what groceries do we need, do we want to go out to dinner or a movie...). During that time, I update him on things like doctor's appointments, pet appointments, and social plans so he doesn't forget what's going on in the next few days. I'm not sure if this will work for you, but it's made our household SO much more organized. I always know about what's going on in areas that he handles, and my husband gets reminders about the stuff I deal with. That way, nobody's left out of the loop!
Yeah, it's definitely important for him to keep you in the loop about all those payments, and I can definitely understand how that's frustrating for you when he doesn't. As someone who was in a similar situation to him, and who has a FI in your situation, I often felt/feel guilty that I'm basically giving my debt to him and making him responsible for it as well. Is it possible that he's feeling that way too? My FI always reassured me that it's "our debt" and he had no problem helping me take care of it, which eventually made me feel better about it.
I guess my point is, communication is key! :) and it seems like you're ready to sit down and talk about it--just take it slowly and try not to get stressed over the numbers and amounts.
We currently still have sep. account but will combine them after the wedding only because I'm the only one with a job right now and there are other things (automatic bill payments, savings, etc) that are tied up to my own accounts right now.
Miss Pencils made a agreat post about this yesterday that I thought was really helpful - check it out:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2010/01/11/finances-savings-and-expenses-oh-my/
We have a joint checking account that both of our paychecks are deposited into and all of our bills are paid out of. He manages all the finances, but doesn't do anything without either asking or telling me first. He has to ask if it's a big change, and just tell me if it's a minor change. He manages our stock portfolios, and currently we deposit $5000/year in each. He also manages our retirement fund. He is in finance and knows way more about this stuff then I do, so I trust him, also like I said before, he doesn't do anything without asking/telling me first. We have a joint credit card that we use for gas and big purchases. Each of us has our own personal credit card as well, part of having a personal credit card means that we have to pay it off every month and be responsible about it. We have a $300 limit. Each of us are allowed to spend up to $300 on a purchase/shopping trip, etc without telling the other person first. While we have that, it rarely doesn't happen. If one of us wants to buy something semi-expensive (over $100) we usually tell the other one anyway before we buy it. We both have access to our accounts online, so it is easy for both of us to see where our money is going.
If you feel out of the loop, I would work out a system that you do the finances together once a week. That way you can feel included, but he still gets to manage things. I think it's very important to be open about your finances with each other, so that your future financial goals can be met. Good luck, hope you get things worked out!
Thank you for all of the advice! I think that I haev realized through this post that I don't really have a problem with joint finances, I more have a problem with the lack of communication happening.
I love the suggestions on here and think we should give the weekly state of the union meeting a try! I somehow never thought combining finances would be tough, but it's been challenging so far.
If your money is going towards paying his debts off, you definitely need to have a more active role in the finances. I know you said it was him who wanted to take care of everything, but you should have access to everything and know that his credit card debt is being reduced. Especially if he's taking out more than $100 for each ATM visit. It also sounds like you need to establish more of a budget. Are your incomes fixed? Or do they vary from month to month? Establishing a budget, and sticking to it is the most key thing here. Not to mention talking to each other about when money is moved around in each account.
We have joint checking and savings accounts. I handle most of the finances, but my husband knows every password to every account, and I regularly update him when I transfer money so when he sees $5K being transferred from our savings to our checking, he knows that was for the roof we just put on our house and I'm not secretly spending $5K on some fabulous shoes!
We have a joint checking and a joint savings and then we each have our own checking accounts. Weve had it that was for 2 years and its worked well so far
I would have had major issues combining finances with somebody with that much debt. Student debt, yes, but CC debt? Not so much. YOu guys definitely need to talk (and you realize that). My other suggestion is that maybe you should pay all your bills out of one account. Food/gas/etc is essentially a "bill" ya know? Especially if you have a budget for it. Then, if you want, set up smaller personal accounts for a little bit of extra money here and there, maybe just a couple hundred a month.
If he was able to summarize what he was doing each month/why, would that make a difference? or do you want to be MORE in the loop, like perhaps paying some of the bills or tracking them regularly? Excel might be a good thing for htat if you guys are savvy like that
Here is what we did. I had alot of debt from being on my own, paying for school and hospital stuff when hubs and I met. He essentially has perfect credit. When we got serious while dating, he took control of my finances and we analyzed my bills, debts, spending habits and went on a budget and figured a payment plan. This included student loans etc. The reason? We knew we were going to get married and his philospohy is when your married, its "ours" not yours or mine. He is the most unselfish person I know. The result? From 15k in student loan debt gone, 5k in CC gone and hospital bills gone. We just built our new home and start off marriage debt free. We have 1 joint account and 1 savings account. 10% each check automatically goes into savings. Everything is online so we each can see what is going on, but he actually handed everything back to me and I pay all the bills we have at the beginning of the month, budget our middle and end of mth pay and show him where we stand. We each do what we want in moderation, I learned about what you really want compared to what you really need in terms of spending, have a budget we go by and if we have extra, we put it into savings which has a high interest return. It works wonderfully for us and we look at money and our savings for the future, you dont know what tomorrow brings so you need to prepare. You guys definetly need to sit down and talk. He may be a bit ashamed but bring everything to table and I suggest you do it sooner than later.
ejs- I get what you are saying about the debt, but things would be even crazier if our finances were still seperate at this point. We own a home together and are getting married so we agree that finances need to come together now.
The amount of debt is not good and he realizes that. He is no longer adding more debt to his accounts, he is trying to pay the credit cards off. Call me naive, but I don't judge him or not trust him because of the debt. I am really going to try to talk to him and create a strong budget.
I totally understand your anxiety over not being in control. FI and I combined $$ soon after moving in together. Neither of us is extravagant, bot of us are good with bills etc...but when I check our statement online and see a check that I didn't write, I get all nosey and judgemental. He used his company FedEx acct to send a late Xmas gift to his parents last week and had to reimburse the firm for the personal charge. He wrote a check for LESS THAN EIGHT DOLLARS and I still wanted all the details. I just get panicky if money moves and I don't know the full story. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I've had almost 15 yrs of independant personal banking and am now suddenly trying to adapt to another cook in the kitchen. I'm not catching on very quickly=(
If you feel like your want "your own" money, have you guys considered paying yourselves an "allowance" each month from the joint acct?
Ugh. I can totally empathize. Combining finances was really, really difficult for me, even though FI has never been anything less than fiscally responsible.
We have two joint checking accounts and one joint savings account. Paychecks and his student loan payment go straight to Joint Checking One (aka The Pot). At the beginning of each semester a portion of The Pot is moved to Savings. Every month a set dollar amount is transferred from The Pot to Joint Checking Two (Expenses). We use that money to pay for rent, bills, food, going out, etc. Most bills are automated, including CC.
I just wanted to jump in and say I think its totally ok that you guys tried out one thing and if it doesn't work you'll switch to another. Sometimes trial and error is best.
FI talked a few months ago and decided that we would each keep separate checking accounts that our paycheck would be deposited into and then we'd each contribute equally to a joint account every month for bills/joint expenses, but that we'd keep everything else separate (student loans, car payment, insurance, personal spending, etc). We won't be married for a year but we just set up these joint accounts because we're moving in together in a few weeks. Already though, I'm feeling that this might not be the best option for us. I hate having to think "is this a me-purchase or an us-purchase? He probably doesn't care about the wall hanging so it's kinda for me, but it is for OUR home so its kinda for us..." etc. We decided we're going to keep with this method until we're married so we can see how we like it once we get used to it, then we'll re-asses potentially joining all of our money together or doing more like pp where we put all of our money into a joint account then take out equal monthly "allowances" for splurges.
Mr. Mary Jane and I still have our separate accounts, as well as a joint savings account for saving up for big things (honeymoon, anyone?!) Basically it works like this:
Me:
My own credit cards
My own checking account
My own savings account
Him:
His own credit cards
His own checking account
SHARED:
Target charge card for food
Gasoline charge card
Joint savings account.
Then we just divide up the bills. Not as in 'we each pay half', but we're each responsible for bills that we pay. Obviously we each pay our own credit/charge card bills.
We also each pay our own car loan. He pays for the food and gas chargecards, while I pay for our mortgage. He pays the cell phone, I pay the cable... and onward like that. He and I also each direct-deposit part of our check in to the joint savings account, which we don't touch for long periods of time (months/years).
Additionally since I do have my own savings account, I drop a small amount of money in to it every month ($100 or so). This is no secret - Mr. MJ knows about it. It's my 'emergency fund'. For those things that just crop up. Like if a friend asks me to be a bridesmaid and I need a dress. Or we need to call a plumber. Or Mr. MJ's course books cost more than we thought they would. Basically, it's extra money for the stuff that we'd otherwise either have to go in to debt over, or dip in to our 'real' savings to cover.
Basically to set this up, we just made a list of all of our monthly bills (and long term savings goals), looked at our bi-weekly checks, and divied everything up as evenly as we could while also maximizing our savings level.
The important thing to note is that our money is ours. It's not his or mine, even though we have separate accounts. If I run up short one month, he'll give me some money and vice versa. None of the "I wish my money was MINE" stuff...
Obviously, if one of us was coming up short every month, we'd need to revisit the finances. But so far, it's working well. It's really important to be open and honest with money.
We combined when we got engaged- we were also sick of all the checks I'd have to give him! What has helped us-
He made a new password so I could log in at any time- I don't have to call him to see if I can get my haircut tomorrow, etc. I can see where we stand.
We discussed limits- at first, I felt like I couldn't buy anything for myself. And when I needed something, I would ask. "Babe can I buy pants?" He thought that was ridiculous so we discussed it. We talk about BIG purchases beforehand, but if I need something, I buy it. We both have to be responsible with our non-bill spending.
We share a google calendar so we know when bills are due and when we are paid (mine is twice a month, his is ever 2 weeks... I HATE THAT!)
Also may I suggest, if you REALLY want your own money- you can do direct deposits from your paycheck into separate accounts. At least, I know you can to two accounts that are connected. I had $150 per paycheck going into my savings, for example. (Ha. If only I still did!) Maybe you can open a connected account and have some money deposited there- an agreed upon amount.
We have a joint checking account where both of our paychecks go in. This account is used to pay bills.
We have our own persoanl checking account where a percentage (~10%)of our paycheck goes in there for things we buy for ourselves. I like to use that account for clothes, shoes. He likes to use it for buying comics, cds, dvds.
We have a joint savings account where we put a percentage of our paycheck into there.
We don't have any joint credit cards yet so we both have our own individual credit cards.
EDIT: about the debt part that you guys are talking about. I do have a lot of debt both credit card and school loan but I do make more money than him so he's not paying for my debt. I am. He has some debt (mostly credit card and hardly no student loans... lucky him)
We have joined checking but seperate savings. I write the checks for the bills, but we sit down together and go through them all. Also, he gives me all receipts and such at the end of every day, and I tell him what I bought. I always let him know how much we have in savings and what is going to be coming out and stuff.
We have joint savings and checking. We also have individual credit cards which we are allowed to spend up to a certain amount of money each month. I think that you two need to talk about the financial situation. You should be involved in the money and know where it is being spent even if he is the one that is paying the bills. You should talk to your FI about this. He needs to work out a plan in order to pay off the debt with his money (not yours).
we are broke, i think it is easier when you don't have much to combine! everytime we get paid, we pay some bills, decide how much to spend on food for the week, and transfer the rest into wedding savings. any cash we get from teaching lessons goes into the honeymoon jar.
I just wanted to say time out! haha To be clear, part of FI's paycheck goes directly to an old bank account of his and is used to pay the credit card debt. This does mean that more of my money is used to pay everyday expenses, but that's what makes sense for us and I don't have expenses such as student loans and a car loan.
I also don't understand why some people are getting judgemental about the debt that my FI has. Yes, he has the debt, but he is a responsible person who wants to pay it off. Also, maybe my message came across wrong, but my FI is not trying to hide anything from me. I believe it's more him dealing with the finances and not talking with me about it. I think I will be more comfortabel if we begin to talk more about our money and where it is all going.
We have joint checking and savings accounts, then we each have our own checking account. His paycheck and my unemployment go into our joint checking then we divy it up from there. He pays the bills but he keeps me informed about how much we have, how much is going out, etc. We both have online access to our joint accounts. We also use our joint accounts for bills, food, and gas. Personal items and gifts for each other are purchased from our individual accounts. Our system works for us.
I love this thread! I'm going to be married in Oct 2010, but this gives me a great number of ideas to look through.
Thanks!
You really need to sit down and talk about this. Money is a huge part of a grown up relationship.
We have our own accounts as well as joint. We transfer $ for mortgage, bills, etc every paycheck and keep some for ourselves as well.
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