Just came back to read some of the other replies… there is some FABULOUS info here from other Bees who have also seen a lot of life, and not all of it pretty. I think all would agree that DIVORCE SUCKS… it is a huge feeling of emotional loss and failure (tears families apart, and extends outwards… eveyone is effected… Kids, GrandParents, Friends, Neighbours… EVERYONE in your life is effected by it… nothing is ever the same again).
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy… so one of the reasons I am willing to share so much of my life experience here on WBee.
@MariContrary: is right the little things DO count. More than we realize. Saying THANK YOU is HUGE…
I say Thank You to Mr TTR all the time in our Relationship… he really appreciates it.
Makes the “mundane routine” stuff more worthwhile.
@lionsheart: also made some good points. And yes it is a tough one to make a call on. Kids vs Spouse. In reality you only get one kick at the can with kids… 20 years at the most. Then they are gone. What you do everyday with them matters in their development and how they turn out as people… it is tough (and exhausting)… because you can’t just “let something go” with plans to get to it later / next week / next month / next year. It doesn’t work that way. They build upon everything / every experience. It is a hard thing to manage, and the more kids you have, the harder, more exhausting it is (Moms are sleep deprived for a reason).
Marriage too is a balancing act. Because in the end if you ignore your guy for those 20 years of childhood, he won’t “be there” (either at all… or emotionally) when the kids are gone and you are ready to reconnect.
That is WHY all those things like flirting, date night, and dirty weekends are so dang important. You have to keep the spark / flame alive. Then when the kids are gone, and you are still relatively young, you can reconnect like you did when you first met, and enjoy the those “inbetween years” … when you have your LIFE PLANS organized, and money figured out for the long term, kids away at college etc, and BEFORE the Grandkids come (once Grandkids come you tend to want to not travel as much, cause you WANT to for example spend Christmas with the Kids & Grandkids etc)
And @mypinkshoes: is soooo right about giving more than you get (and yet, not keep score). I’ve always said that a Healthy Successful Marriage is about both Partners giving more than 50%… it is giving much more. So that when times or bad, or the other person just cannot give as much as they’d like to… the other person can share the load, and carry the relationship forward.
But as I say, you cannot keep score. Competition has no place in a marriage. Keeping score on who did what… is deadly.
@Kate0558: makes a good point about joint finances too. Having gotten screwed over in my Divorce after a “modern relationship” where things were split 50/50 (by percentages) I found that out the hard way.
My motto now is much closer to the Generation before me… ALL THAT I AM AND ALL THAT I HAVE I PLEDGE TO THEE.
If you come into a marriage and don’t believe that, then one is setting themself up for failure. A Marriage is a Partnership / Team. You can’t be a team if you are still retaining a huge part of “MINE” not OURS attitude. And as Money is one of the leading causes of Disagreements, Fights & Divorce… I think that not being willing 100% to share is a HUGE RED FLAG
And as to make it totally an equal playing ground, no matter the time in ones Marriage… Newlyweds – New Parents – Stay at Home Mom – GIGANTIC Career Success – Illness – Retirement… whatever comes down the pipe, I am now in favour of an all in then 50/50 split to money (ie 2+4 = 6 / 2 = 3 each) no matter what the numbers… this is ALWAYS the most fair to BOTH people in the Marriage. Together equally in good times or bad. What I have come to call the A-L Method here on WBee that I first heard of from Gail Vaz-Oxlade from “Til Debt Do Us Part”
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Lol, And as we’ve all said it comes down to COMMUNICATION.
For true longevity a couple MUST be on the same page all the time, and that means staying connected / talking. It is the only way.