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Hi, I think it's a great question and one I wished I would have asked when I got married the first time. For me, the most obvious reason I got divorced is that my ex was having an affair with a co-worker. I came from a pretty old-school view in that divorce was only an option if one of the 3 As was present (affairs, abuse, addiction). But knowing what I know now and having reflected a lot on my marriage (and being in a new great, healthy, communicative relationship), I would say that the affair was a symptom of our problems and not the root. We just weren't on the same page about anything, didn't have much communication, and had zero conflict resolution skills. The truth is we just rushed into marriage (we were in a long-distance relationship less than a year when when we got engaged) and were still in the infatuation stage. Then when the harsh realities of real life set in (job loss, chronic illness, parents' health issues), we had no groundwork on how to deal with problems with each other. I think the best thing anyone can do to prevent divorce is to choose wisely in the first place -- spend a lot of time with their future partner and see what they are like in a variety of situations and how you two navigate issues together. A great book I read (post-divorce) was "How not to marry a jerk" -- I highly recommend it.
The simple answer is that I wanted to stay married, but my ex-husband did not. After he moved out, it seemed kind of silly to still be technically married to him.
But I think a lot of the issue for us, as for sf_carrie, was difficulty in communicating/negotiating. My ex-husband has Asperger's (a mild form of autism), which basically results in great difficulty in reading social cues. So when we disagreed, he would not even know I was upset until I got to the point of yelling--and then my anger was so overwhelming to him that he would just shut down. He either agreed to what I wanted, and then felt resentful, or just did what he pleased without taking into account what I wanted. (Often, he did both--agreeing to do what I wanted, then immediately breaking that promise.) Thus, things that would have been minor issues if we had been able to talk them through and make compromises became huge.
At the time, I was very angry with him. However, at this point I really believe that he can't help being the way he is. He is not a bad guy, but he is not good at relationships. (I was his first relationship, and he has been through a lot of relationships since we divorced in 1996, none of which has lasted.)
I'll answer this...I am pretty open about my first marriage. It was an amazing learning experience for us both!!
We were young...23 and 22. We had done a long distance relationship for almost 2 years and he was about to graduate college. In March we sat down with his parents (who weren't crazy about me) and said we planned to move to Virginia after his graduation and live together. Being devout (ya right) Catholics they forbid us to move in together and said they would disown their son (very Catholic!!). We thought about it and said fine, we'll get married.
There was a lot of drama with the two families...We had never spent more than a week together as we lived 5 hours apart. The more his family didn't want the marriage happeening...the more it pushed us together. A month before our wedding his mother called mine and asked her to help call it off.
We were married for 2 years when we began to talk about having children. It dawned on me that this was NOT the man I wanted to be the father of my child. We were pretty good friends but we didn't have the chemistry (physically or otherwise). He was also a HUGE momma's boy and never stood up for me or our relationship. We tried counseling but we both realized we rushed into getting married and were NOT right for each other. I was blamed for many things after that (Him not pursuing his Masters) and his mother couldn't be happier that we were divorcing. His family preached about being Catholic but were sneaky, manipulative as well as many other things. Those aren't qualities of "good" catholics (and I'm not religious!!!!).
I found out my ex-husband was what I like to call a chameleon. He will adapt his personality to whomever he is with. I never got to know the real person. After the divorce he filled for an anulment and LIED on all his paperwork. I didn't fight it but I did tell my side and he eventually got his anulment and is remarried with 2 stepkids.
Never in my life did I expect to be divorced. For me...marriage was it, just once. I wasn't in an absuive relationship and my family didn't understand the divorce. But we only get one go-round in this life and I will NOT settle. I was adult enough to realize the mistake I made and learn from it. I'm a better person and have now found someone to share my life with.
I hop that helps you. No one EVER goes into marriage thinking it will end in divorce...and for some it's not an option. For me, living the rest of my life unhappy wasn't an option.
My ex husband cheated on me after 7 years. He hid it well. Divorce was not something I planned and not something I wanted but it takes two to be married. Cheating destroys many marriages imho. A vow is to be taken seriously.
I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories. Getting the D-word out in the open really helps with my ongoing education of marriage, and it's great to have a forum to talk about it.
I think it's a terrific question, honestly.
In my case, I got married way too young (19) and not for the right reasons (he was joining the military, and we didn't want to be apart). We spent four years married, not so happily, but I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to prove everyone right that said we got married too young. In the end, he cheated on me and I left him.
I think studentbride's question is valid and I always love to read what the encore brides say. That sounds bad...but I mean it in a way that it's good because it's a dose of reality. Bad things happen to good people. Let's face it, LIFE happens. Learning from other's struggles helps us grow as a person AND, even better, be more sympathetic and understanding so that you can be there for others who have hardships in the future. I know when I was younger I used to be judgemental about remarries (that happens when you have parents who've been together 25 years and your aunt's been divorced like, 12 times--it kind of gives you only the worst perspective) and now i have friends dating men who are divorced and things like that that have happened...they're concerned we'll judge them and I like to think that a lot of the experiences i read on this board have opened my eyes and made me a better friend in the process.
I know i'm not saying that very well...I mean it with the best of intentions =\
I got married quickly - before I realized just how abusive he was. We made it through the first year or so (and my pregnancy) without too many issues but once she was born he increasingly became more abusive and controlling to the extent that it took me about 4 years to escape him (literally) and I have PTSD from all of the stress and abuse.
If I could have any advice for someone considering marriage it would be to:
It is a good question. And one I wish more engaged couples would seriously think about. I am sure all of the ladies above would tell you they never planned on getting divorced; I know I never did. And I am sure all of their stories are very different. And, of course, hind sight is always 20/20, right? Any flaws or cracks in your relationship will always be more apparent after it is over.
Now that I am planning my second marriage, I see things from a totally different perspective. I understand that it is not enough to just love each other. Love does not necessarily mean that you are compatible. If I had to pin point one reason why I got divorced it would be that. Yes, we were madly in love for the first three years of our relationship (one year dating, one year engaged and one year married). We were "old" enough (I was 25, he was 24 when we got married). Everything looked great "on paper," as they say. But, we were not compatible on many of the fundamental issues. I will preface this by saying that I met my FI on eHarmony and we are big, big believers in the 29 dimensions of compatibility. We are so alike in so many ways it is almost scary. Having met him, and then comparing our relationship to my previous marriage, I now see that we didn't have those 29 dimensions of compatibility.
We tried for three more years after the cracks in our marriage started to show. In the end, we both knew it was over. It ended amicably enough, although there was some eventual betrayal on his part. If I had to condense it down to one thing, though, I would blame it on communication and compatibility.
And I would just like to reinforce what ejs4y8 said above. Life does happen. Sometimes life just gets so crazy that you don't realize that your relationship is disintegrating around you until it's too late.
I really appreciate yalls insight into this kind of question. So many people around me are in bad marriages/have gotten divorced and the only advice they give me is "dont do it" so i know coming here i can get good advice into going into my marriage. I dont have anything i am worried about but like i said, after watching jon and kate plus 8 and then talking to people around me, it makes me wonder why divorce happens and i really appreciate the honest answers i got!
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I too wonder about this as I think about getting married and getting married young. I appreciate the advice and insights. I'm glad to hear you're all in amazing relationships now and I wish you all the best!
This is a really great thread. Thanks for all the insight, ladies. :) I hope many of us can benefit from the less-than-fortunate circumstances in your pasts!
It's a great question! I wish I had a place like WB when I got married the first time and maybe I would have had an outlet to express my concerns before we got married! I had dated a ton of jerks before I met my 1st husband. He was so kind and nice to me. I thought I had hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, it takes nmore than just a "nice guy" to make me happy. Before the wedding even happened, our *initmancy* dwindled to nothing and during my 3.5 yr marriage, there was none either. ZERO. ZILCH. BIG PROBLEM. He has issues in previous relationships and did not tell me about it. I tried counseling but he was never open and honest with the counselor. We also did not have a lot of things in common. I wanted to travel the world, while he didn't care to leave the U.S. His mother was also no help at all. Very manipulative and controlling and he always caved and sided with her. BIG PROBLEM!
It took me a long time to decide that I wanted to be married again and this time around is so different. Wedding planning is bringing us closer together and even when we are under stress, it brings us closer instead of tearing us apart. I know we will be growing old together:-)
My ex was an alcoholic and drug-addict. When we met I thought I could "fix" him. I was very, very naive. He did eventually go to AA and NA at my instigation but the thing is, the programs don't work if the participant isn't commited to working the program. Shortly after the birth of my daughter he found he couldn't cope with the stress and work that comes with being a parent. He fell back into his addictions.
I tried to make it work. We had two more children. As he fell deeper into his addictions I became a victim of emotional & verbal abuse that eventually became physical. I stayed for years.
The decision to leave was instantaneous - the minute he raised his hand to one of my children we were gone.
Had to add:
I was one who dated my xh for over 2 years and there were absolutely no warning signs at all before. Now then again he went to college out of state so I didn't know any "common" friends except for his room mate.
I wish I had kinda a background on him earlier. I might have then heard about how he had cheated on EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND he had ever had, including a fiance before me too. That might have made me re-think my options.
But seriously there were no signs. Nothing. Not until about five years after marriage. Apparently I've been the woman he was faithful to the longest (his present wife included too). We travelled, he was attentive, he was always buying me flowers and jewelry, and we got along great. I literally saw no warning signs until they were literally going off all around me at once.
I would say the only thing I didn't know was his past with regard to girls. In my life he was the guy from out of town who came into town and we all knew nothing about him. He fit in w/my friends and family. But there was no evidence at all of him being a serial cheater.
I think it is one of the hardest things for unmarried people to hear--that there are no guarantees, no matter what you do. I did everything "right" with my first marriage. We knew each other for seven years before getting married. I had no doubts going into the marriage. I was determined to make the marriage work, to the point that I lived without sex for six years of our marriage because he wasn't capable/interested and I went into therapy for several years trying to make the marriage work. But the fact is, you cannot know everything about someone before you get married, and even if you could, people change after they are married. Those who are convinced that divorce can never happen to them are deluding themselves.
I like this question.
My first wedding took place when I was 20 and he was 31. In a nutshell we divorced because I grew up while he stayed the same. We did not have the same life goals (I wanted children, he didn't; I wanted a spouse and life partner, he wanted a maid with benefits, etc). We had trouble communicating and virtually nothing in common except the house that we both worked on, so we had a lot of "stuff" but no real substance. He was also an alcoholic that, like Serya above, I thought I could "fix." That lasted until he started hitting because I no longer fit into his image of the perfect little wifey. Then I gave up on trying to make it work. It was the most difficult decision of my life.
I have also been engaged-to-be-engaged since then, and I called that one off because I didn't see us having the same life goals. I feel badly about it because he IS a good guy and he took it really hard, but we would have made each other miserable eventually.
And then I met Tim...and it all just came together. I went from feeling like I was never going to marry again and doomed to die as a crazy old cat lady, to feeling like I am back where I should have been when I was 20. I get a "replay," and I am doing everything right this time. He constantly amazes me even in little everyday things, and we communicate really well and both have the same view of gender roles and the purpose of marriage and both of our families are fully supportive.
I don't understand the people that say nobody should get married, honestly. I really LIKED being married. Not the bad parts of it towards the end, but if I was in trouble I absolutely trusted that he would help me out. It's a powerful feeling to have that kind of security.
I married too young and for the wrong reason the first time - because I was pregnant. We really didn't know each other as well as we thought we did. After the baby was born, she had serious medical issues and I was left alone to deal with everything while he continued to go out and eventually I found out he had a girlfriend.
With husband two, I made the big mistake of mistaking LUST for LOVE. When the dust settled, I found out I married the most financially irresponsible man on the planet and he almost totally ruined everything I worked so hard for. He was so insecure, he would get jealous when I went to work or even read a book!
I have never been so confident as I am with my new husband. Every day I give thanks for this gift of a truly loving, mature relationship! Better late than never!
I am a first time bride, but I wanted to thank all the encores for being so open and honest here. I have really enjoyed reading all of these stories and personal journeys with marriage.
The topic of divorce has been on mind mind recently because one of my close college friends is getting divorced after only two years of marriage. She got married immediately after graduating college two years ago and things have really fallen apart between them. I don't fully understand it, but do think that they were really not compatible for each other. In any case, it has been helpful reading this post about other people's experiences!
Ok. I have read this whole thread. I am an encore. I am 33. My ex-husband is one of the best, most kind people I know. We are still friends. We could still be married if I knew then what I know now. I was the one who cheated. Yep. You read that right. I did not know myself, I lost a lot of weight very quickly, I did not understand what "marriage" required, I did not understand the stages of love, I did not understand the differences in our personalities, and we were living in 2 separate states (jobs). Good people do bad things, sometimes....even wives.
That was me....many years ago. I read almost every book out there. One of the best I found was "The truth about love" by Dr. Pat Love (I know, I know...but it's awesome). I went to counseling. Even the best marriage is hard work. The second time around my eyes are wide open. My self-esteem is not linked to anyone else. Your question is excellent. Why do people get divorced? There is no simple answer. Abuse and alcohol aside, affairs are usually a symptom of something that has long been wrong. I divorced my ex....not the other way around. If you have time to really get to know someone and you have passed the "lusty-magical" phase; if you have communicated about all aspects of life: children, money, sex, morals, life goals, etc; and if you have enough maturity to compromise in a healthy way.....I think your chances are good.
there are many more reasons... and now that its been 2 years since we were together, it pisses me off that he's back to being the person he was when we dated when i just want to thoroughly dislike him.. and i have no reason to.. because mature people get over it once they are free of it!
I have to disagree. We didn't have at all anything wrong with our marriage. It was him who had secrets..and he is simply unable to be faithful.
Being unfaithful doesn't mean you're a bad person at all, but my ex has some character issues that do make him a not so wonderful guy. For any woman, he just won't be a good marriage partner. As wierd as it may seem. I really wanted he and his present wife (they're separated now) to work out. I wanted to see him finally settle down and be a good husband.
I do have to add, infidelity is not directly related to there being a problem in a marriage and it going unchecked. Ours was a good marriage, and had I not found out, and he didn't want me to find out, I might have still been married to him today. I wasn't a reason contributing to his negative choices. And his present wife didn't contribute in him continuing the cheating on her either. You can go check out the boards at www.marriagebuilders.com and their general questions area and its filled with people who were like me and how sometimes it's not about there being any real problems with a marriage. Sometimes, it is due to an underlying issue that never got resolved, but that's not always the case, as it wasn't the case with me.
My ex has entitlement issues, and thinks he has to be entertained and amused at all times and that basically people are there for "him" and him only. He is one simply incapable of being faithful or in a committed relationship or marriage.
Sadly, there are some situations like that and people like that. When it happened to me, and I found out about what he'd been doing, we had built a dream home, and were trying actively for a second child. We'd just even come back from a week in the carribbean. It was like the rug was pulled out from under me. No warning whatsoever.
I'm glad I waited as long as I did after the divorce to date. I took a 2 year sabbatical from dating and just hung out with my friends and family. Enjoyed travelling with my son and doing all kinds of fun things with him. When I met T, I'd been divorced five years. I'm glad I had that five year time to get to know me again, just as I am, and start life over on my own terms.
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Well, i dont want this to sound rude or anything but i was wondering why some of yall got divorced the first time around?
Im a first time/only time bride and yesterday i was watching the season finale of jon and kate plus 8 and i was really interested in why some people get divorced? I guess its always something in the back of my mind since so many people around me say, why are you getting married? whats the point?
Am i scared of the "d" word? no, not necessarily but i am worried that there may be some issues we might not be able to get through and i just wanted some advice from people who arent so hardened by a bad marriage, and ARE getting remarried. So i dont want anyone to take this post as a mean thing or anything, but i honestly have questions. Thanks!