Post # 1
I’ve been lurking here for a bit of time now so I thought I had better post!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He is 30 and I am a 22 year old law student. We have been talking on and off for about a year now about the possibility of getting engaged and we recently took a 7 week trip to Europe. I honestly thought a proposal would come then!
He had been taking me to jewelry shops and looking at ring styles for at least 6 months beforehand. All our friends and family were sure it was coming. Everybody knows I am obsessed with Paris and that for sure I would be coming home with a bit of extra bling. Before we left, his mother was telling anyone who would listen that we were getting engaged in Paris after a trip to the Paris Tiffany and Co. The problem was, we went to Paris. And we have even been to a Tiffany store in every country we have been in. No proposal.
My other half has since admitted that he always wanted to propose in Paris and he had been planning it for a year. Problem was he then said “and I just didn’t get around to it”. It really had me stumped. I wasn’t sure how to take it. I then learnt he didn’t even have a ring, and hadn’t even thought of any sort of plans despite the fact he knew we were going for 18 months beforehand.
I feel very sad and disappointed by his admission and I’m not really sure where that leaves us. I love him a lot and he has supported me through a very hard and trying 4 years (I have had multiple surgeries for several fractures and injuries from an accident). I feel like he just couldn’t be bothered with a proposal and that it’s all too hard.
Has anyone experienced something like this before with your other half? How did it turn out? What are your opinions on his actions?
Post # 2
MissMil: Hm, I’m not sure I didn’t have this kind of situation. I think you need to talk to him and find out what’s going on. Is he really nervous about proposing, does he feel he has to do something huge and grand? Is money an issue (I’m guessing no if you just came back from a trip)? I would just try to get a feel for why he might be stalling. When you have talked about marriage in the past has he seemed really excited about it?
Post # 3
I’m sorry, you lost me at: a seven week vacation in Europe? WOW! you’re a lucky girl!!
Post # 4
It sounds like it could be one of two things. Either:
1) He’s nervous about proposing and so he’s procrastinating.
2) He’s nervous about getting married and so he’s procrastinating.
Can you communicate with him more (and on a deeper level about what he’s feeling about marriage) instead of talking to him about jewelry stores or talking about just the potential engagement?
If it’s #1, maybe just propose to him! Or if that’s really not your style, just wait until he manages to get it done.
If it’s #2, immediately stop visiting jewelry stores and thinking about the proposal, and start focusing on your relationship and it what it needs to work toward a marriage.
Post # 5
Here’s a helpful article from A Practical Wedding (my source of all wise wedding-related advice) http://apracticalwedding.com/2014/09/its-okay-women-proposing-to-men/
Post # 6
I would have to say maybe he is just not ready yet and is enjoying dating you for now-although he knows he wants to marry you in the future. I have heard loads of stories of men dragging their feet…and not one of them includes a SEVEN WEEK VACATION IN EUROPE. You really are a lucky girl. I would say he does intend to marry you in good time, men with no intentions of that commitment dont take their girlfriends on a vacation like that.
Keep your waiting pants on, and enjoy your amazing courtship. It will come in due time.
PS-I just got engaged and we want to go on a 2 week honeymoon to Paris and travel Europe. Swooning at seven weeks!!!
Post # 7
My guy wanted to propose on a long weekend in Montauk, but chickened out. He said the ring bulged in his pants (lol) and he was scared to leave it in the hotel, so last minute he left the ring and we had this whole romantic weekend… No proposal. After we got back, he proposed the very next morning. Would a sea cliff Montuak proposal have been great? Sure, but I just wanted the man, and the question with a sparkly thing that means “yes I am serious”. So the blue box came at home and not in grandiose way but I LOVE it and him just the same.
I would just be honest with him- hey bf I’m not trying to be a brat, I loved our trip, but I honestly thought you would propose- all those Tiffany trips…. Why?! And if he says he didn’t get around to it- ask why again. And let him know you were mildly disappointed. Then drop it completely and let him work it out. I’m sure you’ll be engaged soon.
Post # 8
From a fellow waiting bee 🙂 My SO and I have been together for 4 years as well and I’m also a student. I couldn’t figure out what was taking my SO to start getting comfortable with the idea of engagement and marriage. Finally I got him talking and I mean really talking about our future and marriage and he blurted out “I didn’t want to put you through the stress of engagement and a wedding while you were in school.” I was shocked because that wasn’t something he had ever mentioned. Granted I work full time and I’m going to school full time (we’re also 27 and 29).
We’ve traveled the globe together and every trip my family waits to see if I’ve got new bling 😉 I’m trying to enjoy the courtship and patiently wait until I graduate (May 2015). I know he’s the one and he’s told me numerous times I’m the one for him.
Obviously everyones story is different, maybe he’s got something he needs to get through before he can pop the question? Have you talked about children? You also mentioned your being together 4 years and your 4 years being very trying and tough, maybe he wants to see how a few years without craziness go? Has your age ever been an issue for him?
Post # 9
It is true as the other PPs say that he may just not be ready yet. If he isn’t than it makes sense that he wouldn’t have thought too much about it, especially as much as you were.
I was getting torn apart by the “waiting” process because I didn’t understand it. If he knew he wanted to marry me and I knew I wanted to marry him what were we waiting for? Well you can read my proposal story and see how everything worked out for me. Sometimes men are just clueless about the logistics of things. Maybe he needs a push in the right direction. A conversation about where exactly you stand and a timeline of sorts probably would not hurt.
Post # 10
MissMil: To me, it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. 18 months is a LONG time to get a ring, and if he wanted to he would have made time. My FI planned when he was going to propose to be after we’d been together for like 5 months, then when the time came he had everything ready. He’s also a doer… not sure what your BF is like. Maybe he legit got busy? but still… 18 months is a long time to not arrange something that important.
Post # 11
wow – thanks for all the comments! I really didn’t expect so much. The seven week trip in Europe was amazing regardless of ring. We went for my cousins wedding in Germany (my mother is German) And we spent two weeks with family, the remaining five travelling on our own. I am not sure if that had something to do with it or not. Sometimes I feel like I am making excuses for him!
Our age has never been an issue. Quite often I am the more mature one, lol! He seems to drag his feet a lot in a lot of ways. For example he does not own or rent a house and has been dragging his feet on this for the five years I’ve known him. Another frustration but another story in itself! I am trying to be patient but I am beginning to reach the end of my tether. I have spoken at length to him about this, explained I am saddened by what has happened and he repeatedly brushes me off or gets annoyed and won’t continue the conversation. I have left it alone now but I still can’t help but get down in the dumps about it, especially when all my friends are recently engaged to their partners of less than a year.
Post # 12
That is a strange situation. He sounds unready for marriage. 🙁 But I also think sometimes guys are clueless that we get so tied up in thinking these big trips are guaranteed to equal a proposal. I think they have no idea the disappointment their SO feels returning from a trip that to the guy was just a vacation without a ring.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2015 - Laguna Hills, CA
MissMil: I dated my husband to be for over 5 years before he proposed & during those 5 years we have traveled to 12 different countries. Every time we took a trip I would think a proposal might happen, but it never did. I won’t lie.. it frustrated me at times!! When it finnally happened it was perfect. He proposed at a beach here in California.. it was early in the morning so it was just me & him.. and after we celebrated with our families. You just have to be patient with him. If you truly feel that he is the one.. it will happen & you will feel like the happiest girl in the world 🙂
Post # 14
To give a reason as to why he didn’t propose in Europe, I think alot of men worry about carrying the ring around on holiday for so long – going through customs etc without you noticing it! I would also be terrified of it getting stolen or lost and debating whether it would safer to always carry it on himself or leave it in the hotel room. For alot of guys I think the idea of proposing abroad is quite scary for these reasons.
That said, he hasn’t bought the ring yet. Maybe you need to sit down with him and ask if he really feels ready or if he is pressured. Re-assure him of the reasons you want to marry him. Some men get so swept up in the stress of proposing and finding the perfect ring (within a budget) that it takes them a long time to get around to the actual proposal.
Post # 15
MissMil: My FI said those exact words actually when we went on a weekend getaway where I was sure he was going to propose. When he didn’t and I got upset he said he had been planning on doing it that weekend but he “didn’t get around to getting the ring” yet.
We ended up having a long talk about it and how I felt that him not being bothered to go get the ring made me think he wasn’t serious about wanting to get engaged. I don’t think he realized that I felt that way until I told him. I also said I wanted to stop talking about getting engaged/married etc. because I felt he wasn’t serious and it hurt to much to keep talking with no action.
Anyway, when he got home apparently he immediately went out and got the ring, asked my dad’s permission and he surprised me with the proposal less than a month later. He said the whole thing was a wake up call for him and he realized how silly he was being about putting off getting the ring.
Sorry for the long reply. My point is tell him how it makes you feel that he couldn’t be bothered to follow through on his initial plans. Have a conversation about your disappointment and feelings and I really think he’ll have a “lightbulb” moment about how silly he’s being. Good luck!