(Closed) Question for the Men – Why the Emphasis on “Surprise”?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t think it’s so much a mind game–I think men in general love surprising women with gifts and a surprise proposal is the “ultimate” to them. Just giving it to you isn’t ideal in their heads. 

Or maybe he doesn’t want to propose to you until the bawling/flailing/ugliness of the situation calms down. Do you really want him to throw a ring at you and say “ok let’s get engaged, you got your way”. ThAT would be controlling. My advice is to take a step back for a little bit and realize you’re getting really wrapped up into it. He’s going to propose, right? It’s just a matter of when. You don’t want to look down at that ring on your finger and feel guilty that you “stole” the engagement from him. I’ve seen a bunch of people go through that, and I’m sure it’s a miserable feeling.

Post # 4
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It seems we can’t win. Women expect these amazing proposals yet at the same time, they just want the guy to do it. What’s more important to you? The ring/proposal or the promise? I’m sure you would be upset if he just handed you the ring box and said, “Okay, I love you. Let’s get married.”

We are only trying to surprise you because 1. It’s nice. It’s nice to know that we can do something to surprise you. It gets a little old when we constantly have to listen to you talk about your ring, when it’s going to happen, how it should happen, ect. 2. Some of us feel pressured to come up with this amazing proposal. What girl wants to go back to her mother and say, “He just gave it to me while we were in the car.”?

Don’t ruin your relationship waiting for a ring. The ring is a bonus. Have you spoken about marriage? If he’s serious, then leave him alone about it. We, at least not I, don’t need to talk issues to death. If I say I’m going to marry you, then I’m going to. If I have a plan, just trust me.

I know some bees are going to attack, but that’s how I feel.

Post # 6
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Mr.Tatoo- I didn’t expect an “amazing proposal.”  In fact, it would have felt inauthentic to me.

It sounds like there is some sort of disconnect in the way the two of you view the role that the proposal should have in the engagement.

In most cases, I don’t think it is mind games.  If you think your SO is playing mind games with you, that is problematic.  If you are uncomfortable with a big, grand scheme, you should try to talk to your SO about that.

Post # 8
Member
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think men want their proposal to be a surprise because that is the way they have always imagined it being. These things are important to men the same way walking down the aisle on their father’s arm is important to most brides.

That said, I understand your frustration. A while back I really felt like my boyfriend had my whole life on hold. It’s frustrating feeling like you have no control over something as important as when you get engaged or married. Everything else in your relationship, you decide together and move forward together. The proposal though? Traditionally all up to the guy. It is a bit aggravating.

I feel like at least having some sort of timeline is important. My boyfriend and I decided mutually a while ago that we want to get married in winter 2012. After we decided that together, it was much easier for me since I knew we were on the same page. I know that he is working towards getting married in 2012, so I know he will propose. Now I just get to sit back and anticipate! 

Have you set out a timeline with your SO? If so, I would just try and relax. Try and get your mind off it and before you know it… it will be happening!

Post # 9
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

As big as the moment of “getting engaged” is for a women, it is the same for the man.

They want it to be a surprise b/c they are tyring to make it a memorable moment. Why do we wrap christmas presents? B/c we love the anticipation of a loved one finally having that special and memorable moment.

And lets face it, most women do majority of the wedding planning, and the engagement is all about the man’s plans. We should let him have that Wink

Post # 10
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Well, I think you just have to be patient then.  He wants to marry you, and plans on proposing soon.  I know it is hard, but I think you just have to trust that. 

The one thing I will say is that I would have been really embarassed and upset if FI proposed to me in public.  My FI knows this about my personality, so it didn’t even have to be discussed.  I’m not clear from your post, but if you are more of a private person (like me) and your SO is intentionally disregarding that, I think that is a bit insensitive and you should talk to him about it.

Post # 11
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The ring is for the woman. Women…not all of them…place emotional feelings into objects. Women say all the time how its not real without a ring.. Nothing changes when you get the ring. My feelings haven’t changed. I don’t consider engagement as a level. Its the time that you are planning a wedding. I am just as committed as I was before the ring. I told her that I was going to marry her and that was my promise. Of course we are made to feel that we have to get a ring for it. Women go to town on others who are engaged without a ring. This is one thing we get to have control on. I am not saying it shouldn’t be discussed but the proposal part should be for the man. We have to listen to you guys gush about this proposal and that one. Do you know how many times I had to watch that iPhone proposal? how can you competet with a guy who wrote a song!

Post # 13
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

There’s suprise and then there’s SURPRISE.  If I’m going somewhere unsual on my birthday, being driven by my SO who never drives, I’m going to know soething is up.  Now, if he were to, several months before said birthday start driving instead of me on a more regualr basis, and we started going new places, then I might actually be surprised that special day.

By the point that the man has pretty much told the woman that an engagement is coming, and even agreed on a timeframe for a wedding, it’s boggling to the woman to be then told to be a good girl and sit back and wait.  Its like, “Hey, I know you’re hungry, and I have a cheeseburger for you, but I’ll give it to you when you’re not expecting it.”  Huh?

If I’m hungry, and know you’ve got a cheeseburger for me, then delaying the giving of said burger is almost torture an makes everything feel like a test of worthiness.  It’s like dangling somethign above a kid just out of reach – they know you have it, you tease them about having it, but refuse to give it to them.  The man thinks he’s doing something sweet and memorable, but after the anticipation of the woman (which sometimes can’t always be controlled) reaches a point like a teakettle hitting boil, the “fun” anticipation gives way to anxiety, self-doubt, worries, and wondering WHY, if he loves, wants to marry by such and such upcoming date, hasn’t he done it?

That said, Flutter, I think you’ve still got two major holidays to go, and your man might still be planning something for them – surely you can manage to hold out for 8 or 9 more days and try to wait and see – or if you’re able, give him till Valentine’s and then give him a calendar with the date you’re not expecting anything marked 😛

I know you’re venting here, partly to allow you to wait better whn interacting with your SO.  Instead of crying and trying to plead with him, look up som basic things in a matter of fact way, like how far in advance cetain things need to be booked, like you venue and hotels and so forth.  It can take 6 months alone to purchase and have a dress altered, and since summer is a big time for weddings, it’s best to do this as soon as you can.  He simply might not be aware of the multitude of details and requirements for planning any wedding, and how long thigs will take.  My SO is a notorious procrastinaotor, waiting for the night before a trip to get thigns he needs, waitintg for a day before my birthday to worry about gifts – I’m convinced he’s going to wait until I’m on my deathbed to ever proposed, simply because I can’t think of any other “last minute” scenarios.  So, I think many men think you can plan a wedding in a month to 3 months, but unless your destination is Vegas, I’m not sure that will work for what you want.  Heck, church-based pre-marraige counseling (where you don’t say “I do” until they say you can) alone can take several months in some places. 

Post # 14
Member
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Well, things do change when you get the ring though (Or become “officially” engaged, even without a ring). My boyfriend and I are “engaged” pretty much (We’ve decided we’re going to get married) The COMMITMENT does not change because we have already made that commitment to each other. However, my boyfriend does not actually consider us “engaged” until he proposes (that shows that he thinks of it as being a separate level as well). Some things will change once he actually decides we’re engaged.

I will actually openly start telling people I am engaged. I can start celebrating it with family and friends. People will take us more seriously as a couple. A “girlfriend” is someone you could have been dating for only 2 months. A “fiance” is someone you are going to get married to. (I do not mean to stress the importance of the title “fiance”, I mean more the fact that people will take your relationship more seriously if you are engaged than if you are just dating.) My boyfriend will let me really start planning (calling the venue we’re interested in, going dress shopping, ectect). 

Most importantly, I will be able to wear the commitment between my SO and I on my sleeve, which I think is important to a lot of women. Women want you to tell the world that you are devoted to them. That is what getting engaged and married really means to women. To women, that just seems like a more solid commitment if you’re willing to let her take your last name.

It does kind of suck that I do not get to decide when I can act openly engaged and do all these things, he gets to decide. If I had it my way I would be telling people I am engaged already (because I mean, really, I am.) but it is important to my SO that he propose to me “properly” first. Can you at least understand how that might be just a tad frustrating?

Post # 15
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We just think differently. I don’t know why women feel like we should think the same. your posts says to me you want the ring to show it off and have the spotlight on you. as soon as you said its about making a statement…thats a woman thing. None of my guy friends gushed over her ring. They said it was nice. I asked my best friend to be my best man over xbox. No cute cards or videos about it. Women like to make a show of things. Nothing wrong with it. Its all pretty in the wnd…but to us its just showing off and I’d rather get married tonight than have to watch her stress out over seating arragements for a year. Just be patient. It sounds like he has a plan. nothing will stop a man from proposing once he is 100% sure this  is what he wants. 

Post # 16
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

This whole conversation is why I don’t want to know “when” – or when he’s got the ring.  I know I’m completely in the minority here, but I want a surprise.  I mean a total and complete surprise.  I feel like although I’m obviously “waiting” and “wishing” or I wouldn’t be on these boards, it would be even worse if I knew he had the ring, knew that he promised to do it by X, and I was just waiting and waiting.  Isn’t that anticlimatic?  Just my opinion.

My SO knows I want to get married one day.  I did ONE TIME give a timeline.  (it’s not up until next summer).  But I said it once and that’s it.  He is in the camp of “I have to do this when I’m ready, not be pushed into it.” 

I feel kind of alone on the boards here because of my opinion on this, but it’s just the way I’ve always envisioned it.  An out of the blue surprise. 

Anyone else feel that way??  I know it’s a big decision and you should be able to talk about anything, and communication is the key.  I just want the whole fairy tale.  White horses and surprises. 

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