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Actually we still maintain separate checking accounts and have a joint savings account. We split up household bills. I buy everything for the cat sanctuary and take care of my own needs. I am a generous gift-giver. He does not seem to mind that I make more money than him.
It is tough at times and sometimes I feel entitled to things b/c I do make more (about 4X my husband) BUT prior to marriage we split most things.... I guess I didn't live an extravagent life style so it was on par with what he would be doing. If **I** wanted a fancy dinner out, I would pick it up, b/c ultimately my husband wouldn't have been going if it weren't for me.
It got easier in marriage. We combined finances so it really is "our" money, and while he might make less he still gives 100%.
We have a joint account, and we are expected to put half of what we make in that account. That helps because its a percentage, so it kindaof evens out? It made the most sense for us.
I make more money, but I also spend more money! lol! Nights out together we use the joint...
I make significantly more money than my DH but neither one of us has really given it much thought. I tend to spend more and he is more of a saver so before we joined our finances we never really felt a difference in our personal finances. Sometimes he would pay for things and sometimes I would. But it never felt like I was treating him or helping him out. We were just both contributing to the relationship.
Now we've combined all our money so everything we both make is ours. It was a pretty easy transition for both of us. I guess we've thought about the money being "ours" for a while.
We all want to think we are so enlightened and that it doesn't matter if the woman makes more money than the man. But I think that idea not completely died. His pride might be more hurt than he is letting on.
That said, my husband makes probably 3 times what I do (I know, he's the guy) and it's just understood that he pays when we go out to dinner. I'll pay for a movie or the popcorn because that's what I can contribute. Also, I never ask him for cash because I budget my tiny salary in case I need my hair done or whatever.
So, I can see why you are irritated that's he hitting you up for money. He should be able to manage his own funds, no matter what. Definitely a talk is in order to spell out the expectations of the financial arrangement.
I make twice as much as my FH, and although his pride can take a hit sometimes, we manage. I let him know that his debt needs to be handled within the next year or two. I have student loans and he has credit card debt, but his debt hit his credit score much worse. When we first started dating, he was intimidated, but now we don't have many issues. He believes that when we go out, he pays because he is way more traditional than I am and he still wants to be the "man" in the relationship. We split the household bills and we have our own accounts. When we get married we will share a joint checking and a joint savings, but keep our own accounts for personal spending. To us, that's the easiest way to go. We're not taking out any credit cards together until his debt is paid off.
Now about your FH hitting you up for money, nip that in the bud now. Both of you are adults and he should be able to manage his own funds. Buying little things here and there are okay, but if it's constant then it needs to stop. I don't want to sound rude, but make sure that your FH isn't getting too "comfortable" for the lack of a better word. Treating him or picking up the bill sometimes is okay, but it should not be an expectation. Plan date nights on a budget so either of you can pick up the tab.
Good luck!
I literally make 6 times more than my FI, and in all honesty, it is a touchy subject. Between his own pride being hurt, and me being exhausted from working so hard my whole life to get where I am...it's draining. I actually have a degenerative disease which, in all likelyhood, is going to stop me from working at some point....and that's where I just get scared out of my mind...
But, I think once you get married, and if you guys decide to have one pot of money, that things will be easier. You need to both look at it like "your" money, and not either one of yours.
I don't make 3X or even 2X as much money as he does, but I do make a noticeable amount more (and I'm salaried and he's paid hourly, but that's a whole 'nother story). It was awkward in the beginning for the opposite reason - he wouldn't let me pay for ANYTHING because "he's the man". Once he started letting me contribute we (I) realized it was easier for me to use my credit card when we were out. Now he just gives me more than half of the expected grocery money, plus some extra, and I pay for everything with my card. His contribution usually covers ALL the groceries and dates though :P
Once we're married we'll combine all our money so it won't really matter any more :)
Sidenote: It DID bother him a lot in the beginning that I made more money annually (and in the interest of total honesty...it bothered me too). About 7 months in to us dating he started working SERIOUS overtime to get the extra pay...and it almost looks like he might actually make more than me this year.
@KatyInWaiting: That sucks you feel that way sometimes. It's almost like a "be careful what you wish for." All I can say is to try to be open about how you're feeling at the moment. If you let it fester, it's not going to be pretty when it blows up.
As for me, it's not hard to do this "his" and "her" money thing. We've discussed it early on so it helps. For instance, I'm in LA and he's in NY so whenever he's here to visit, I pay and vice versa. And when we get married, we agreed to have separate accounts for the things we want ourselves but a joint account for household items.
Good luck!
I make more than FH makes but it's never been an issue for us. We use the same account and my or his money is our money.
I've never had a problem with it and as far as I know he doesn't either.
When DH and I met, I made about 5x what he made. As our finances merged, there was no issue, b/c even though he didn't make much, I wasn't all of the sudden living on less b/c he made enough to cover his own cost of living. I don't think I would have been as happy if I felt like sugar momma. DH worked part time and took care of all of the domestic stuff that I don't like to do. I loved it.
When that job ended for him, he decided to just "work on the house" for a while, and we started not getting along. Partly it was that he was around the house too much and accomplishing too little, but also, I didn't like reducing my standard of living to support him.
As time went by, he ended up working full time at a different job, and I was jobless/part time for a while so the tables turned. I HATED making way less than him. He never begrudged me any of the money, but when I was earning it myself, I felt like I had more of a right to spend it frivolously for my own wishes as opposed to worrying about what was best and fair for the team.
Now he makes about 2x more than me and I have not problem spending his money...lol. Actually we're both FT with good salaries so the difference feels like less big of a deal than it did when we were living closer to the limit of our means.
I will always kind of hate this coversation because I dont understand it I guess. I make at least twice what fiance does. Our money has been combined since we moved in together 5 years ago. What I have he has and vice versa. So the answer is no. He is a part of me and I NEVER think of it as "that is my money". Has never even gone through my head. And money is an issue for us too... but we work on everything together nothing in our lives is just "me" or "him" I think that is what good relationships and marriges are. Two people joining there lives completely.
@KatyInWaiting:I'm curious how you plan to combine your finances when you are married? On the surface you may be saying it's both your money but in reality, when you have completely separate accounts, your money can still feel as your own and you feel more who pays for what.
I think there are two most common ways to have joint finances and my thoughts on how those make feel:
TL;DR - You will likely feel it's combined when it actually is. When it's still separate, it's still separate no matter what you say.
See, I was worried that it would sound like he was "hitting me up for money." That's totally not the case - he needed cash for something (he usually uses his debit card for everything) and I happened to have cash on me. If the situation was reversed, he would have done the same thing for me.
I think I just have fleeting moments of "I made the money so it's mine" and then immediately feel guilty for thinking it. I could never say anything to him, because it has taken so long for him to even accept the idea that he would be the one in the relationship who makes less.
DH and I make pretty much the same amount but I had many, many times (probably at least 8x) more money in savings than he did when we got married.
We put all of our money into a joint checking and a joint savings (besides what I already had invested in mutual funds). We have no separate accounts and consider every penny that is to either of our names to be "ours". It doesn't matter who pays for dinner when we go out or if someone gets a bigger bonus at work or whatever - it all belongs to both of us, including all of the money I had saved before marrying him.
I make about $20k more/year than my FI. At first I think it bothered him a little, but now we're getting more and more used to seeing things as ours. It's been a slow process of finding where we're comfortable and slowly adjusting. At first, I was a little resentful because I pay for mostly everything related to the household. FI puts a giant amount towards his 401k, and also pays over what he needs to on his car, so he couldn't "afford" to contribute more. At first I wasn't thrilled with this arrangement, but now that we're getting married those things will benefit me too. And he's really concerned about savings and felt like he needed to contribute a certain amount each month, and he wasn't then it made him anxious. So I had to learn to relax and eventually decided it was important to make me happy and that we were both saving and paying for things for the betterment of our lives together.
Merging the finances is still a work in progress. We're going to slowly add my fixed expenses (like mortgage, car payment, utilities) to his bank account. I think we'll probably keep separate accounts for our "allowances" but I really want to get to the point where everything that's a joint expense is paid out of the joint account.
One question, maybe people have advice for me on - FI likes to do everything as a cash transaction. And he needs to limit himself to an allowance because otherwise he spends too much. But this frustrates me because when we go out to dinner we're still splitting the check. I'm not sure how we could change it, because he wants to make sure his spending money isn't coming out of the joint account, but out of his allowance. Any ideas?
It was harder until he was unemployed...
It's a little hard only because I have evil & disturbing fantasies about him leaving me for a gorgeous younger woman in 5 years, etc.
But when I thought about it if I want to get married then what's mine is his. And if he made more I think I would manage the money anyway.
@KatyInWaiting: If you're OK with sharing funds in theory, but in practice it's getting a little annoying to you (and be aware that this arrangement is probably no easier for him--I'm sure he doesn't relish having to ask you for money at every turn), you might want to consider having a similar arrangement to my husband and I. We're going to basically be pooling our resources since we have a pretty comparable standard of living and don't want to end up feeling like one person has more power in the relationship just because they make a little more money than the other. We'll be opening a joint checking account, where we'll put a percentage of what both of us make and from which we'll pay for living expenses (bills, food, when we eat out together, do things together, etc.). We'll also have a savings account, which we'll both put a percentage of our income into, and then we'll each have two personal "for fun" checking accounts (we'll agree upon the percentage of the overall funds will go into this). Money from the individual checking accounts can be used for whatever we decide, without consulting each other on every purchase, but if we use the joint checking account for anything unusual, we'll consult each other on that. And we'll agree not to touch the savings account.
We're doing it this way because money was a CONSTANT issue for DH's mother and father. His father was the "breadwinner" and his mother had to go to him to ask for any money at all. She always felt like he was holding money over her, like she didn't have any independence from him, and he was resentful to her whenever she *did* spend money. They split up for a number of reasons, but finances were a big part of the problem. We wanted to avoid one person feeling like they owed the other something (or like they were owed something), and so this system will allow us to have a "what's mine is yours" mentality while maintaining some level of independence.
Wow, that was a forever long response! Lol.
ETA: Sorry, I didn't read your initial post closely enough and didn't realize that you're not yet engaged. That makes things a little trickier, and would also make me a little more uncomfortable about paying for things regularly, as you describe. I'm not sure I would've been comfortable consistantly sharing my finances with my husband while we were dating. This probably isn't that useful of advice, but if it does bother you to constantly pay for things, I would recommend talking to him about it (chances are he feels just as uncomfortable) and working out ways where both of you are going on dates within his means (for the majority of the time), so you can split things more evenly.
@KatyInWaiting I think you have completely described mine and SO's relationship. I make about twice what he does (and we essentially do the same thing). I know how much it bothers him that I make more than he does, but we are working through that. We also aren't engaged yet and it's even more difficult because we don't live together so our finances have to be separate. I feel that way sometimes because I pick up the majority of the tab for things. I know he loves me and I try not to let those feelings bother me but sometimes I do, I think in some ways it is normal.
We didn't combine finances until after the wedding, but for a good 2 years into our relationship I made a significant amount more than DH. I could tell he was insecure, but we never really talked about it - I think he intentionally avoided the 'how much do you make' conversation because he didn't want it out in the open.
Since we didnt' talk about it, I had certain tricks I used to not make him feel bad and hide the fact that I was actually paying for a lot of things. First of all, I never suggested doing anything expensive like going out to dinner. But if we did happen to go out somewhere, I would either let him pay if it was less than around $50, or I would just put my card down and split it with him. Of course, this was after the initial courting period when I let him pay for everything - about 1 month.
He practically lived with me after only a few months of dating (didn't move in officially until 1 year) and I would intentionally wait until he was spending the night at his place to run all of my errands, buy groceries etc. I was really shopping for 2, but I never let on to it and if he picked up on it he didn't say anything. I think that was a HUGE help as far as balancing things out because groceries and household items like cleaning products are crazy expensive in NYC - so this saved him a lot.
By the time we got married, DH had gotten a new job and is paid almost exactly the same as me so it just took care of itself. And now it really is 'our money' so even if I get some huge raise or bonus - it doesn't matter.
We are keeping funds completely separate. I make 2 - 3x what he does. That is not the part that bothers either of us. It is just that he spends A LOT he has no idea of the concept of denying himself if he wants it. In fact, we had to work out a plan in order for his debts to be straightened out before he would ask me to get married. Wasn't that a fun discussion. 
This way, as long as I pay those things on my list of bills and he pays the things on his list of bills, no one cares what the other spends their remaining on or if they spend it at all.
I think the bottom line is no matter what "method" you use, you and have to really and truly be on the same page. If you tell him it doesn't bother you, but then still feel annoyed about it, I'm just concerned you're not being totally honest with yourself and then possibly risk setting him for failure later. For example, is it going to bother you if, for the rest of your life, he will always make 1/2 of what you make and that this will be the way things are forever? If the thought of that makes you uncomfortable, then perhaps you need to explore those feelings more with you boyfriend. Because it would be unfortunate if later it really bugs you and then he says "but I thought you didn't care..." The point is to have agreements on how your finances are structured and what your spending priorities are. This should be a MAJOR part of your pre-marital discussions and you should come to an agreement before you wed.
For example, we've always agreed that we would have 1 shared account for all of our household expenses and that any and all money and liabilities we came into the marriage with would be ours. As part of our religious beliefs, we also agreed to always give a certain amount to the church based on our gross income, we believe in paying back our creditors ASAP, and - as controversial as this may sound - we agree that as long as DH is physically able, we will live on what he makes. My salary goes towards paying over and above whatever minimum payments we owe on our debts, and once those are paid off, my income will go into savings or non-essential expenses and extras. If his income temporarily dips, then obviously my income supplements to cover those basic needs. But if it becomes a more long-term reduction in pay, then we agree to adjust our standard of living to his income, or else he looks for additional sources of income.
I realize our method is a bit unconventional, but the point is we are 100% in agreement with it. I brought in more money when we got married than he did because he was still in the process of finding a job, so we had to put our agreement to the test right away. It was tough for a few months, especially because my income went to zero over the summer and DH hadn't found full-time work yet, but I became an extreme couponer, we spent as little money as we could, tapped into our savings a bit and we made it through. It was hard, but we also never fought about money, we never felt annoyed or resentful towards each other.
I encourage you to have more conversations about what you and your boyfriend want ideally in the future with regards to money and see what you can do to come to a place where you both can be comfortable regardless of how much money is coming in.
@Future MrsB: Do you not contribute the same (or more) as your FI does to your 401k? That's the one thing I'd urge you to figure how to do on your salaries. You'll need it later on.
My finance and myself work at the same company. I do make more than him, but I've also been at our company 8 years longer than he has.
When we started living together, we had a joint household account. This was fine, because we split household expenses 50/50. This also meant I had to live within his budget of what he can pay.
After we got engaged, I was comfortable with combining our money. We put 95% of our pay into our joint account, and the other 5% goes into our separate personal accounts (for junk, or surprises, or whatever.)
With our accounts combined, I'm not "stuck" living within his budget. It's "our" money, and "we" spend on what we need. We're planning on moving to a larger place, something we couldn't do before, since I was tied into what he could contribute.
The fun part about putting 5% of my pay into my own account- because I do make more $$, I feel "justified" and "entitled" to buy the crap I like, without having to explain to him why. The same goes for him- if he wants to blow his money on a game or something- he can, without the worry of explaining it to me.
We also have a set spending limit of what one can spend without asking the other. This is nice- because we don't have to consult each other on every little purchase. For the bigger things- we can talk about it. If one of us says "no," then the answer is no- no whining, no nagging, no tantrums.
Our premarital counselor suggested we handle our finances like this- and it's worked well.
@KatyInWaiting: IT was hard for me at first to get used to that fact. Just to get over the "man pays for everything deal". After we started living together he had some some bills to pay for the house and I had others. At this point we have joint accounts and I am completely over it, so his money is mine and vice versa.
I think it takes a while to get used to that, sometimes I even felt guilty in a way. But if this is the man of your dreams, I promise you guys will figure it out.
We combined 100%. We have lived together for 4 years and its what works for both of us. I know a lot of people disagree with this method but its definately what works. I can't imagine having it any other way.
@MrsChuckles: That actually sounds like a really good idea!
I've always been the main breadwinner in the relationship - he's been out of work on and off through the entirety of our relationship. It can be very frustrating but he helps out by taking care of the house and doing all the things I am too tired to do after working all day.
We will definitely combine our money once we're officially married and have agreed to each get a weekly "allowance" to spend as we wish. Anything beyond that, we have to discuss together.
Right now, he contributes to the bills but he only pays the percentage that he contributes to the household income. IE: Of our combined income, I bring in 70% and he brings in 30% so that's how we divide up the household bills. He pays one mortgage payment a month and pays 30% of our utilities and groceries. He takes care of his own student loan and has no other debt. This way seems to work out the most fair - I don't think it's fair to split things 50/50 when I make so much more money than he does.
I wish he made more money but I dated lots of guys who made more money but none of them ever loved me like he does, so it's just something I've come to accept and learn to deal with. Our bills always manage to get paid and we love each other to death - I'd hate to see our relationship end because of money so we keep the lines of communication really open about anything money-related.
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Let me start off by saying that I am not even engaged yet - I spend most of my time on the "waiting" boards. :) However, I do know that it's coming soon.
One source of stress on our relationship has always been money - in that I make almost double what my SO does. I made it clear to him from the beginning that I don't care about money - I would never be with someone just because they had it and I would never leave someone just because they didn't. Over the course of the past 2 years I've somehow managed to get around his pride a little and he doesn't really argue or get upset when I offer to pay for things or buy him little things that he needs.
At first, it was a HUGE relief that we finally started to make progress. I explained to him that it's WE not "I" and "I" and he seems to be closer and closer to totalling getting on board.
Well, now I'm starting to feel weird about it. He is not using me or abusing my offer by any means, but sometimes I feel myself getting irritated if he assumes I'm going to pay when we go out to dinner or asks if he can borrow money until the end of the week.
So my question to any of you who make more than your other half - was it hard for you to let go of the "its my money" thing? I love, love, love this man and want to share my entire life (including finances) with him - I'm just finding it hard at times and I'm not quite sure why...and I feel so guilty about it!