(Closed) Question for those who legally married before the wedding…

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hi Keri-Ann and welcome to the hive! We actually got married on Nov.’08 and it was sooo hard to keep it from everyone! Our religious marriage will take place in October ’09.  We actually got married at the courthouse just with the two of us and a friend as a witness. Needless to say, both of our families were hugely disappointed in us that we had basically eloped but i couldn’t keep my excitement to myself!  I felt like i had to share with the world! which i now regret because i get some snarky comments like "your already married, why do you want a huge wedding for?" ugh. 

But it was truly hard for me not to tell everyone because i had a huge surgery the following week and i wanted to share my feeling with my family esp. since i didn’t know what the outcome would be at the time. And if you tell one person at work…everyone will know too. I told my boss about it and she basically blabbed it to all without asking me if i wanted everyone to know! 

But can i tell you? its the best thing that we did, getting married at the courthouse. it was a small, sweet ceremony and the fact that we are already married has made it a little easier on my crazy wedding planning.  on days that i just want to give up the whole big wedding plans i think "wow, i am soooo glad that we’re married already" because I have those special memories that i can treasure just in case all this planning falls through! So i am definitely on the "you should do it!" wagon! 

Good luck with your wedding plans!

Post # 5
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Welcome!! Actually we did this as well! We kept our courthouse wedding a secret (other than from immediate family, of course) and asked everyone who knew to not tell others so that the actual wedding celebration feels more special for everyone.

I have to say it was very hard to keep it a secret but we did a pretty good job. Along the way my dad told a few other relatives but it was fine since they’re back in Asia and not here. 

The hardest thing was not knowing what to say when my friends wanted to throw me a crazy bachelorette party. I didn’t really want to have one since I am legally married. In the end we had a nice going away dinner (I was moving to another state) with some friends and that was fun.

 

Post # 6
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

don’t you worry about a thing!  we got married/eloped last year and only told my sister and a couple of friends.  we then got ‘engaged’ in november with a wedding date of june 6th 2009.  at this point, only our immediate families know – and they are not telling anyone, as they don’t want to spoil it for us.  we will be getting married in a church this time, so as far as the church cares, our wedding in june will be our first and only marriage ceremony.  btw – even if your guests find out, they will understand you had to do what made sense economically – these are tough times.

consider yourself lucky – planning a wedding when you are already married is fun.  aside from the money we are spending, we are having a blast! 

 

Post # 7
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Our wedding was February 28, 2009 but we got married on October 24, 2008 at the court house because my honey had great insurance and I was (am) pregnant. My insurance through the university I attend doesn’t cover pre-natal care so we quietly took two friends and went down there on a Friday and got hitched! As of today, only my sister and my husband’s parents know about our "secret wedding." If you don’t tell people, no one will know! I hope your soon-to-be hubby’s surgery is successful

Post # 8
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

We got married by a justice of the peace in July, our wedding is this September.  It was very simple.  I didn’t want too much hooplah since we are planning a bigger wedding later.  No hair done, no fancy dress, no parents.  We had agreed not to tell anyone, but our moms.  My mom has done a fabulous job keeping it a secret.  His mom on the other hand had a much more difficult time with it. She cracked and told his side of the family. I have to remind his side of the family that my side doesn’t know.  His job knows (he’s in the military) which they needed to know so for legality issues (he was going away on deployment).  SO I almost feel like i live two separate lives. One as a wife when I’m with him on base, and one as a fiance when I’m home aorund my family and friends.  I think the less people the know the better though.

@contrarymaryI have to agree with you.  It has made planning a wedding (with my FI on deployment) less crazy.  I’m more at ease about  so many things.

 

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

What will you claim as you actual wedding day?  Your official wedding day must be used for all legal paperwork.  Will it really make a difference to keep it secret?  If there are extenuating circumstances where you need medical or for any reason, people will accept it.  If the info sneaks out, will you go backtracking to the person who spilled the beans, blast them, and extricate them from your life.  Bad way to start, don’t be deceptive and self-centered so that you start to have problems with all your personal relationships.  If you don’t want anyone to know, don’t tell anyone or make everyone else responsible to keep the secret.  This is suppose to be about you and your husband, not about the big party you have planned.  If anything, don’t diminish the wedding ceremony and vows as that is what you are pledging to each other.

Post # 11
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

We did the same thing – got married in February at city hall for immigration reasons and will have our wedding in August. We originally planned not to tell anyone except our parents, but then gradually just started telling people. It was too exciting not to! Also, my husband/fiance (confusing – I never know what to call him now!) decided he wanted to wear his ring after our city hall wedding. So obviously people notice. His family found out, mine generally doesn’t know, but really, I am not trying to hide anything. (My family all lives on the other side of the globe so it’s not too hard not telling everyone!) It started out as a secret but was too stressful, and we figured we would just be ourselves.

You should just do your own thing and let people go with it. Do what you feel most comfortable with – no one couple is the same. Our stories are now all the more unique and special!! 

The only thing I would point out is the name change thing. If you want to change it, definitely do it when you get legally married – the paperwork is much easier and usually cheaper with a marriage certificate than a court order. The follow up paperwork (SSN, license etc.) doesn’t need to be done until later. So, although I changed my namewhen we married, I won’t change the rest of my documentation – or the name I use – until after our wedding. 

I think the point @WindsorWeddings made is a bit overstated – the legal wedding day doesn’t mean much really. Apart from anniversaries, when is it ever important? Obviously the health insurance stuff etc. you are planning to use the legal date anyway, as you should. Otherwise, it’s not as though you are announcing your wedding date all the time anyway…

Post # 13
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Hello all we are thinking of getting married prior to our ceremonry date as well.  We will be having a JP doing the wedding for all the family and I was just wondering what are the differences in the wording during the ceremony?  Will anyone be able to tell that we are alredy married?  Please share. 

Post # 14
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

We got married both civil and religious ceremony in January 2009 and having our "ceremony"/reception in October 2009.  We have been together for 5 years so we already felt we were married before our real ceremony.  We told a few people and so far have been able to keep it quiet from everyone else.

Post # 15
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

We got married in a civil ceremony in January 2009 and are having our "white dress" wedding in September. Everybody knows and it’s not a big deal. In my opinion it doesn’t "have to be" special for anyone except yourselves, and you’re not ruining it if everyone knows your situation. The challenge is to make it special for yourselves, but this isn’t going to happen by pretending or lying. It’s all about your attitude and the symbolic things you do at the later wedding. Our civil marriage was very, very special and the September celebration will be too, IMO there is no need to hide anything from anybody on purpose (you can have a don’t ask don’t tell policy?), it will be special if you make it special.

Post # 16
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m in the same boat….we’ve talked about it briefly as I’m in the US and will be making the move to Canada so there’ll be some ppwk involved. Can’t do anything really until after we’re married and i’d hate to think that we’ll get married and i won’t legally be able to move there yet? what to do. what to do.

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