Post # 1
Hello! My name is Keri-Ann. I’m brand new to the site. 🙂 Our actual wedding will be June 26, 2010.
I have a question for anyone who may have gotten legally married before the actual wedding…my fiance and I have decided to get married on Monday (April 13, 2009) by having my minister, parents & best friends here – we are getting married a year early because he has no insurance and needs surgery this year – and I have fabulous insurance and he can be put on immediately if we get married (instead of waiting until October for "open enrollment" and won’t actually be insured until January. (btw, we’ve been engaged since June of last year and we already own our first house together).
So anyways – my question is – how hard, really, is it to keep this from everyone? The only people who we are telling is (obviously) my parents – his parents – and our best friends (who’s my MOH) since she and her husband will be here for the ceremony on Monday – plus if she’d find out we did this and I hadn’t told her she’d never talk to me again! lol
But at work, there is <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">one person I told – my boss, since she’s the one who told me to do this (she herself "married" her ex 3 times/3 different weddings.) But I absolutely do NOT want ANYONE else to know.
How hard of a time have you (who’ve done this) had to actually keep it from people?
Just wonderin’ thanks!!!
Post # 3
Hi Keri-Ann and welcome to the hive! We actually got married on Nov.’08 and it was sooo hard to keep it from everyone! Our religious marriage will take place in October ’09. We actually got married at the courthouse just with the two of us and a friend as a witness. Needless to say, both of our families were hugely disappointed in us that we had basically eloped but i couldn’t keep my excitement to myself! I felt like i had to share with the world! which i now regret because i get some snarky comments like "your already married, why do you want a huge wedding for?" ugh.
But it was truly hard for me not to tell everyone because i had a huge surgery the following week and i wanted to share my feeling with my family esp. since i didn’t know what the outcome would be at the time. And if you tell one person at work…everyone will know too. I told my boss about it and she basically blabbed it to all without asking me if i wanted everyone to know!
But can i tell you? its the best thing that we did, getting married at the courthouse. it was a small, sweet ceremony and the fact that we are already married has made it a little easier on my crazy wedding planning. on days that i just want to give up the whole big wedding plans i think "wow, i am soooo glad that we’re married already" because I have those special memories that i can treasure just in case all this planning falls through! So i am definitely on the "you should do it!" wagon!
Good luck with your wedding plans!
Post # 4
thank you so much for the reply!!!! I know that it will be hard – mainly because I’M the one with the HUGE mouth and it’s SO hard for me to keep secrets! lol – but at the same time, I’ve already told my boss that I absolutely do NOT want my co-workers to know, and I trust that she will keep it.
course, another thing, too – my fiance is all about keeping this as simple as possible and not make a big deal out of it at all. he wanted to get married by a judge – i told him, no way – if we’re doing this, we HAVE to have my minister do it – she’s a family friend and would be SO hurt if she wasn’t the one doing it. so she’s coming down with my parents on monday and it’ll be us, my parents, and our best friends.
I did buy a new dress (which I LOVE and look FABULOUS in) but it’s just a simple cotton strapless sun dress – white with black flower pattern all over it. And I AM staying home from work so that I can get my hair done.
To me, I figure that while it won’t be my REAL wedding as far as rings, flowers, vows, etc goes – it IS legally binding and dangit – I want it to be special. I mean how many other brides are lucky enough to get to marry the (same) man of her dreams twice!?
But he wants to make this as "not-a-big-deal-as-possible" so that next june will be that much more special.
But he also knows me better than that, lol.
So anyways. yeah. again thanks for the reply and I look forward to hearing from anyone else who’s done this as well!!
Post # 5
Welcome!! Actually we did this as well! We kept our courthouse wedding a secret (other than from immediate family, of course) and asked everyone who knew to not tell others so that the actual wedding celebration feels more special for everyone.
I have to say it was very hard to keep it a secret but we did a pretty good job. Along the way my dad told a few other relatives but it was fine since they’re back in Asia and not here.
The hardest thing was not knowing what to say when my friends wanted to throw me a crazy bachelorette party. I didn’t really want to have one since I am legally married. In the end we had a nice going away dinner （I was moving to another state) with some friends and that was fun.
Post # 6
don’t you worry about a thing! we got married/eloped last year and only told my sister and a couple of friends. we then got ‘engaged’ in november with a wedding date of june 6th 2009. at this point, only our immediate families know – and they are not telling anyone, as they don’t want to spoil it for us. we will be getting married in a church this time, so as far as the church cares, our wedding in june will be our first and only marriage ceremony. btw – even if your guests find out, they will understand you had to do what made sense economically – these are tough times.
consider yourself lucky – planning a wedding when you are already married is fun. aside from the money we are spending, we are having a blast!
Post # 7
Our wedding was February 28, 2009 but we got married on October 24, 2008 at the court house because my honey had great insurance and I was (am) pregnant. My insurance through the university I attend doesn’t cover pre-natal care so we quietly took two friends and went down there on a Friday and got hitched! As of today, only my sister and my husband’s parents know about our "secret wedding." If you don’t tell people, no one will know! I hope your soon-to-be hubby’s surgery is successful
Post # 8
We got married by a justice of the peace in July, our wedding is this September. It was very simple. I didn’t want too much hooplah since we are planning a bigger wedding later. No hair done, no fancy dress, no parents. We had agreed not to tell anyone, but our moms. My mom has done a fabulous job keeping it a secret. His mom on the other hand had a much more difficult time with it. She cracked and told his side of the family. I have to remind his side of the family that my side doesn’t know. His job knows (he’s in the military) which they needed to know so for legality issues (he was going away on deployment). SO I almost feel like i live two separate lives. One as a wife when I’m with him on base, and one as a fiance when I’m home aorund my family and friends. I think the less people the know the better though.
@contrarymaryI have to agree with you. It has made planning a wedding (with my FI on deployment) less crazy. I’m more at ease about so many things.
Post # 9
I really appreciate reading all of your stories!!!! It makes me feel SO much better and a lot less like what we’re doing is something that no one else does – lol – but I’m actually happy with what we are doing. We were talking about all this last night and he keeps reminding me that I pretty much came into his life at the perfect time and without me he wouldn’t know what to do (both emotional reasons as well as mainly the physical/reason-for-surgery reason).
I know we are absolutely 1000% doing the right thing. Since we are not exchanging rings yet – and I’m going back on forth on whether I’m changing my name yet (it might be easier to keep the secret if i don’t until next year)…I really don’t think it’ll be too hard…other than the fact that all my co-workers know that he NEEDS surgery yet doesn’t have insurance because I’ve been trying to get him on my insurance and so they KNOW what’s going on in that aspect…so come October – when "open enrollment" is going on – I’m gonna have to talk about putting him on …lol
Other than that, there is no reason anyone should find out. I think, for me, the reason I want to keep it a secret is just so no one is all "why have a wedding when you’re already married, isn’t that selfish"? I just don’t want to hear that…
Plus I’m still going to have so much fun planning the wedding itself. 🙂
Post # 10
What will you claim as you actual wedding day? Your official wedding day must be used for all legal paperwork. Will it really make a difference to keep it secret? If there are extenuating circumstances where you need medical or for any reason, people will accept it. If the info sneaks out, will you go backtracking to the person who spilled the beans, blast them, and extricate them from your life. Bad way to start, don’t be deceptive and self-centered so that you start to have problems with all your personal relationships. If you don’t want anyone to know, don’t tell anyone or make everyone else responsible to keep the secret. This is suppose to be about you and your husband, not about the big party you have planned. If anything, don’t diminish the wedding ceremony and vows as that is what you are pledging to each other.
Post # 11
We did the same thing – got married in February at city hall for immigration reasons and will have our wedding in August. We originally planned not to tell anyone except our parents, but then gradually just started telling people. It was too exciting not to! Also, my husband/fiance (confusing – I never know what to call him now!) decided he wanted to wear his ring after our city hall wedding. So obviously people notice. His family found out, mine generally doesn’t know, but really, I am not trying to hide anything. (My family all lives on the other side of the globe so it’s not too hard not telling everyone!) It started out as a secret but was too stressful, and we figured we would just be ourselves.
You should just do your own thing and let people go with it. Do what you feel most comfortable with – no one couple is the same. Our stories are now all the more unique and special!!
The only thing I would point out is the name change thing. If you want to change it, definitely do it when you get legally married – the paperwork is much easier and usually cheaper with a marriage certificate than a court order. The follow up paperwork (SSN, license etc.) doesn’t need to be done until later. So, although I changed my namewhen we married, I won’t change the rest of my documentation – or the name I use – until after our wedding.
I think the point @WindsorWeddings made is a bit overstated – the legal wedding day doesn’t mean much really. Apart from anniversaries, when is it ever important? Obviously the health insurance stuff etc. you are planning to use the legal date anyway, as you should. Otherwise, it’s not as though you are announcing your wedding date all the time anyway…
Post # 12
I’m not too concerned about people being mad at me – if they are, that is their problem. The most important people who need to know will (my family – his family – our best friends).
Now – as far as the name change…what exactly is "ok" to do now and what is "ok" to do later?
Obviously, since I’ve never done this before, I do not know exactly what legally needs to be changed and what does not. I will still go by my maiden name at work (for email puproses / my nameplate on my cubicle) but I’ve already spoken to HR and they said that shouldn’t be an issue, but my stuff with finance will have to be changed, if I change it with the SS office – and it’s not like anyone else sees my checks so they wouldn’t know! 😛
Thanks again so much to everyone’s replies!
Post # 13
Hello all we are thinking of getting married prior to our ceremonry date as well. We will be having a JP doing the wedding for all the family and I was just wondering what are the differences in the wording during the ceremony? Will anyone be able to tell that we are alredy married? Please share.
Post # 14
We got married both civil and religious ceremony in January 2009 and having our "ceremony"/reception in October 2009. We have been together for 5 years so we already felt we were married before our real ceremony. We told a few people and so far have been able to keep it quiet from everyone else.
Post # 15
We got married in a civil ceremony in January 2009 and are having our "white dress" wedding in September. Everybody knows and it’s not a big deal. In my opinion it doesn’t "have to be" special for anyone except yourselves, and you’re not ruining it if everyone knows your situation. The challenge is to make it special for yourselves, but this isn’t going to happen by pretending or lying. It’s all about your attitude and the symbolic things you do at the later wedding. Our civil marriage was very, very special and the September celebration will be too, IMO there is no need to hide anything from anybody on purpose (you can have a don’t ask don’t tell policy?), it will be special if you make it special.
Post # 16
I’m in the same boat….we’ve talked about it briefly as I’m in the US and will be making the move to Canada so there’ll be some ppwk involved. Can’t do anything really until after we’re married and i’d hate to think that we’ll get married and i won’t legally be able to move there yet? what to do. what to do.