Post # 1
I am a mid-40s widow who lost my wondferul husband of 14 years several years back. I am now — I think — about to get engaged to a great man I’m in love with. Question is this: If we marry, would it be appropriate to ask my current father-in-law (father of my deceased husband, with whom I have a good, continuing relationship) to escort me down the aisle this time? I’ve read that previously married and widowed women are never "given away," but can ask a male friend or relative to escort them down the aisle. I thought of this as a positive way to include my mother- and father-in-law in my wedding. BTW, my in-laws know and like my prospective groom. Thanks for any thoughts.
Post # 3
I’ve never encountered this situation before, but your idea sounds like such a beautiful way to include your in-laws in the next segment of your life. I love that you continue to have a good relationship with them. I assume your own father walked you the first time and wouldn’t mind passing the duty on to your other father. Go for it! I hope your engagement works out the way you hope it will.
Post # 4
I second ErinSea’s comments!
Post # 5
i’m not the posterchild for doing or saying what’s apropriate so i cannot comment on if asking him is "appropriate" but i find your situation very touching!
i’m sure you will do what feels right at the time and i hope your late husband’s father accepts 🙂
Post # 6
That sounds like a beautiful way to transition from your previous marriage to the new journey you’ll be takinig…with acceptance and good wishes from your current in-laws.
How does your potential new fiance feel about it? If he’s good with it, then go for it. It is wonderful that you still have a good relationship with your in-laws, which isn’t always the case. I think people will think that is a very generous & gracious gesture on your part.
The reason I mention to check in w/ your fiance’s feelings is that I had a very difficult situation with my fiance’s former in-laws who were still "hanging" on to him. As the "new" person in his life, it proved to be a challenge, but all doubts were cast aside because my fiance always made sure I felt like I was first in his life.
Post # 7
I would second that you really need to make sure your FI is okay with the idea. It is really wonderful that you have a great relationship with your former in-laws. However, the idea of your former father-in-law escorting you to your new husband definately carries a connotation of you being passed from your late husband to your new husband, which may not be the image your new husband wants on his wedding day. As SoCalBeachGirl says, its important that your husband clearly know that he does come first – even though technically he did come second. It’s harder than you might think to be in that position, so I would try to be sensitive to his feelings.
Also you don’t say anything about your own father. Although presumably he did get to escort you down the aisle once before, is he just going to sit in a pew this time while another man gets this honor? And if so, is he okay with that?
Post # 8
Thanks for all your thougtful responses. You’re right…I need to consider first my prospective fiance’s feelings about my father-in-law escorting me…and that this action may somehow connote "passing" me from beloved deceased husband to my beloved new. Also, re: my own dad, he gave me away the first time. I love him very much, but I don’t want him to escort me now. He and my mom were divorced when I was young, and I was raised primarily by my paternal grandfather, whom I asked to give me away the first time and he wouldn’t (to avoid hurting my father’s feelings). I feel that my dad "gave me away," and now I’d like to do something else. If my prospective fiance doesn’t feel good about my father-in-law escorting me, I’ll ask my brother-in-law. Thanks again to all, and good luck with everything. Will post again if the proposal actually happens!!