(Closed) Question Regarding infants at best friends wedding

posted 5 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think people have the right to decline if their child isn’t invited and they don’t have options.

As for a whole group of people sititng out because an infant who isn’t going to remember the wedding, and most likly should be in bed not at a loud wedding is petty and worth runing a relationship over. After being friends for such a long time I really think it’s awful that people would not attended to make a “statement” which is essentially what your family and this other friend are doing. I don’t get what so hard for parents to understand that your child isn’t wanted everywhere. I understand because of age that is an issue.  But there seems to be layers in this situation where it’s about people being upset for not getting their way.

I also think parents take it personal and get offend. I don’t know about your friend, but my reasons for having a no kids event is simple, I’m having a black tie formal wedding, the cost per person is high and knowing how picky children are and the fact that they don’t eat as much it would be  waste. Finally with space issues I prefer my adult friends and family member whom my wedding means more to attend. Not to mention that I don’t want a baby or children making noise during my ceremony. So it has nothing specficlly to do with one person particular child.

I also think like the case of your friend he has options and chooses not to use them. Also saying your bringing your child to an event when they clearly aren’t invited is rude. I think attending ceremony, and perhaps leaving the reception early would be the best thing to do rather then missing a close friends wedding.

Post # 4
Member
5481 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

We are not having children at our wedding either, however, we are making an exception for nursing infants.  We are also understanding enough that if a friend is unable to find a sitter/doest trust a sitter/whatever, we will not be all butt hurt about it either.  We’re all adults, so there’s no reason to get in a twist if someone is simply trying to respect my wishes. 

Post # 5
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am not a huge fan of kids at weddings yet we’re having them because they’re family 🙂 I think in your case an infant is the exception. They mostly sleep and nurse all day!

I think your plan is fine. If they don’t want the baby at the wedding, inform the B&G who won’t be coming (your wife & family) but please don’t tell them that you don’t want to be there either if your baby can’t be there. I think that you can still support them and be part of their day and be away from your child for 1 day.

Post # 6
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you should try to avoid looking at it like, “My child is not wanted at the wedding.”

They do not want to do it to single you or the other GM out. I do however think that they should understand that if the baby is an infant, they should be okay with either:

1. The couple not attending bc they can’t leave the infant with a sitter.

2. They should allow the couple to bring the infant. Possibly offer to have wife sit at the back of the church or venue for easy access if baby cries.

 

You sound very level headed. I think you should talk to the couple/groom and explain that you understand that they do not have children and you respect the wishes for an adults only wedding. Explain to them that you cannot leave a 2 month old baby with a baby sitter, that they are too young, feeding, etc. Also, explain that you do not want and will not attend the wedding without your wife. Explain that you will either have to bring the baby to the wedding (maybe offer to have wife sit at back of church or wherever ceremy is and let them know that if baby begins to cry she will immediatly step out) or you and your wife will not  be able to attend because you can’t leave a two month old behind. Let them make the decision.

I think if you stay calm and continue to be level headed and respectful, there is less chance that people will be offended or hurt.

Post # 7
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

And yes, typically exceptions are made for infants. Toddlers and older don’t usually get an exception but an infant should if the parents are not able to leave them behind. Good luck and keep us updated with how it plays out.

Post # 8
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@thenuggetbride:  Agreed, and you may even go so far as to offer that your wife and the baby don’t attend the ceremony at all. Many couples live in fear of the notion of a crying baby disrupting their ceremony and vows, and so offering to have your wife sit outside or do something else for that 20 minutes or so might help.

I always thought nursing infants were the ‘standard exception’ to a no children wedding, so it seems to me that they are being the unreasonable ones in this situation. Of course it’s their right to institute whatever rules they want, but they need to see that by saying the infant can’t come, they are basically inviting you without your wife, which is not a very nice thing to do!

Post # 9
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We are not inviting children but one friend who has a new baby (about 5 or 6 months at wedding) personally called me and asked if it would be okay to bring her daughter. Since said friend is traveling 9 hours by car and the closest family (she would only leave her  daughter with her in laws at this point) is still 4 hours away, I happily told her to bring the baby. I appriciated that she asked me personally and she also asked me what the set up was if she needed to step away with a crying baby. I don’t hae kids but I totally see your point of wanting friends to be there and understand it is hard to travel and then be asked to leave a young baby with a sitter. We also made the decision to not invite children knowing that any of our friends with babies needed to travel to the wedding and if they choose to do so, we would let the children come. 

Post # 10
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I like the “you made the rules, I’m just following them” response. If someone wants a child-free wedding, that’s fine, but they need to understand that some of their guests will feel that families are units that shouldn’t be divided, especially where nursing infants are concerned. If you attended the ceremony but bowed out of the reception, do you think that would be acceptable – or do you think maybe that would just succeed in making everyone upset with you?

Post # 11
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can understand both sides. I think everyone needs to stop being “offended” if the couple does not wish to have children at their wedding. Weddings are expensive, and exhausting work, and it is truly their right to exclude children if they want; so long as they are saying “no children under 12” or whatever, and not singling out specific children, there should be no cause for actual offense. And it is the misplaced anger over imagined offenses that ruins friendships.

You should be no more offended by their excluding children from the wedding than they should be over your choice to decline the invite based on your child’s attendance. You can be disappointed, or sad/sorry to miss the day, and you can disagree all you want with their choice, but do not be offended.  It is not any reflection on your child, your parenting skills, or your relationship to the bride and groom. It just means the couple wishes to set a specific tone/ambiance and that a tiny baby doesn’t fit in.

That said, I do think you’d be OK to have a polite chat with the groom, as long as you choose your words carefully.  Acknowledge the couple’s wishes and right to have whatever kind of wedding they want, and simply state the unintended consequences.  “I totally understand that you’re going for a more sophisticated event and that it’s hard to do that with small kids around, but I wasn’t sure you realized that some of your guests might decline the invites because their kids are too young for sitters. I might be among them, as our little one is really not ready to be left with a sitter. It would make me sad to miss your wedding and I was wondering if we could come up with some ideas on making this all work out.”  Perhaps the solution is as simple as the bride and groom hiring a good sitter for the ceremony itself, which is usually quite short, and having the parents split the costs, extending the sitter into the reception and possibly providing a playpen, in a remote corner of the reception area (quieter for babies, less stimulation) but still in easy proximity to parents.

Post # 12
Member
11242 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I guess I don’t understand why they can’t leave a 4 month old with a sitter for a few hours? Is that not what breast pumps are for? 

Post # 15
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t think it has anything to do with the child not being welcome, or wanted. It’s not always about something so simple as not wanting a baby to cry during a ceremony (though, I would hope that a parent with a small child would bring them to an area outside the ceremony to calm them down).

I cannot understand parents who take it personally that their child isn’t invited. If the child absolutely, simply cannot be left for a few hours with a sitter, then the bide and groom can choose to make an exception, or not. Or the parent can decide to stay home with the child. But taking it personally to the point that your entire family is threatening to boycot seems a bit over the top. If they didn’t want your wife there, they wouldn’t have invited her (or the rest of your family, for that matter).

You can talk to him about it and explain the situation that you can’t find a sitter/your wife is nursing/whatever. Offer to have her sit in the back with the baby, and explain that she will take the child out of the room if they start fussing. But be prepared for them to say no. You have no idea how many other people may have small children who weren’t invited that may be hurt if they see yours. Please remember it’s not only about you and your child.

Babies and small children don’t need to be at weddings. They won’t remember it, and they likely won’t enjoy it. I don’t see what there is to be offended about. You are still people outside of being parents, yes?

Post # 16
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@vorpalette I agree when I see people should make exceptions for infants I think maybe if they are just like a few weeks old. But at a month or older they have options. Like letting the person closer to the bride and groom attend, getting a sitter and breast pumping and leaving early. 

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