Post # 1
Hi, please don’t take what I’m asking the wrong way or think I’m trying to be mean, cause I’m not, I’m just honestly curious.
I never grew up wanting a proposal and honestly wouldn’t have liked to get one. Marriage is a commitment between two people and I don’t understand why only the man gets to make the call in most cases.
People tell me “we both talked about getting married, it’s just that it is official with the proposal”. Why?! Like, you’re with someone, and you have settled that you guys want to marry for sure in the near future, and you can’t plan or tell anyone about it until HE decides that it’s a good time to pop the question?
I see strong women, with awesome careers, that have done plenty of things, and yet they suffer in silence waiting for a ring even though they’ve talked about getting married. I just don’t get it! Why turn something good that will change both of your lives into something 1) shameful (not talking about with him to not pressure, pinning in secret, etc) or worse 2) a power struggle (giving timelines, dropping hints, having fights about it).
I get that most of us like surprises and romantic gestures –but why tied with something so important that we should be a part of?
Can someone elaborate, please?
(Now, for the poll. I promise I understand that most of us just married or getting married are more than happy with the way things are, but looking back, and thinking of how you were at the time you were waiting for a proposal…Would you have liked to decide together when to get engaged?)
Post # 3
I don’t know what happened with the font, sorry
Post # 4
This is the million dollar question. Every guy has a different reason, but in the end I feel like a guy dragging it on forever when a girl is ready is only going to cause strain in the relationship. Now, if it’s still really on in the relationship, I can understand waiting a bit, but once a significant amount of time has passed it starts to get ridiculous.
My opinion is that since this is a commitment that involves 2 people, both should have at least some say as to when the proposal happens. Maybe not exact timing, but at least if both agree that they want to be married I think it would be nice if the guy would just do it already instead of waiting for–whatever. More money, a house, new job, etc–you can always be waiting for something better, but why not just propose and then celebrate each milestone together?
Post # 5
@yellowlace: yes, that’s what I think. I just don’t understant why a girl would stick around waiting for her SO to finally make the call for both of them.
Post # 6
I never wanted to get married when I was a kid. I started dating and came around to being with one person for the rest of my life, and then I fell in love with FI. We dated for a couple of years, moved in together, and then started talking about getting married. We were both still in school, but we definitely wanted to be together forever and have a family. We started ring shopping and psedo-planning to get an idea of cost. We found a ring, and then I left it in his hands to purchase and propose.
There’s no why. We decided to get married, chose a ring, and that was that. He wanted to propose, I wanted a proposal. Why would I not want the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with declare his love for me and ask me to marry him? I’m not sure that I was ever “waiting,” unless you count the time between finding the ring and him actually proposing (2-3 months). We didn’t have a timeline or fight about it. I wasn’t hiding my planning because we were looking at things together. We didn’t hide the fact that we wanted to get married, and he didn’t hide the fact that he’d bought the ring (except from me…he told basically EVERYONE else lol! how they kept it a secret, I have no idea).
Post # 7
@vorpalette: This is so similar to me!
My fiance and I always knew we’d be married. We just were certain that it would happen when it worked out best. I am a very feminist concerned woman, and this was something I knew he wanted to do on his own and this was also something I wanted for myself. To be asked. I knew at anytime I could have been the one to pop the question, but it wasn’t right for us.
The biggest thing with proposals is either it’s a TOTAL surprise from one party’s end, or it’s a conjoined effort. I didn’t plan HOW i would be asked, but the decision to get married was from both of us.
The proposal doesn’t spark the want to get married, it starts the beggining of the wedding process.
I agree with the commentors above that if one of the parties is pressuring a lot then something ain’t right.
Post # 8
I like the element of surprise. We talked about getting married, and we looked at rings and I got to pick it out, so there was some agreement between us, but he wanted to surprise me by asking me. I thought that was adorable and wonderful.He was able to create a beautiful slideshow and professed how much he was lucky to have me. That was my moment of glory, to be the one doted on, and I can always go back to that moment I saw “Will you marry me?” on my video slideshow, and I can watch it over and over. Had there been no proposal and just gone to the jewler and bought the ring that’s all I’d have.
Nothing was as special as the moment when my DH got down on one knee with the slideshow asked me to marry him and he was smiling and crying.
Post # 9
@DarthBetty: Ha, yes. I’m a very independent person. My FI has low self-esteem and thinks he needs to be able to “support” our family, but I’m like, “I DON’T NEED NO MAN TO SUPPORT ME!” He says that he knows that, but HE needs to feel like he can. I just tell him that we’re a TEAM, and that as long as we’re going okay, we’re good.
Post # 10
My FI proposed without me “waiting.” I dont think I had really thought about it bc we werent dating for many years and we also dont live together.
Post # 11
I don’t feel like I waited. In fact, we just naturally fell into the decision that we were going to get married and I went ring shopping. My concern about his proposal timing was more along the lines of “omg I don’t want to have a wedding during crunch time at work!” than “omg when is he ever going to get around to it?”.
I disagree with a lot of the Waiting board threads. I don’t go on there, but sometimes a thread or two would show up on the main and I have to refrain from commenting. I just think it’s ridiculous that people want their boyfriends to propose, refuse to do the proposal themselves, but won’t shut up about it and let him handle it on his own time. lol *headache*
Post # 12
yes 100% – I would have liked to have a say in the timing becasue he just doesn’t understand planning or timing of a wedding at all!
Post # 13
Interesting question. We, in fact, did decide together that we were ready to get married and the whole process was very natural. We had set a date and done some preliminary planning before the idea of a “proposal” ever arose. One day he mentioned to me that he couldn’t wait until we were officially engaged, and I thought “hmm, I thought we were already engaged.” And from that moment forward, I became a total nutcase about it. When will it be? How will he do it? The works.
I didn’t feel any shame about it, but he outright told me to stop asking about it because he didn’t want me to ruin the surprise/effect or whatever.
…and that’s when I joined the bee. Lol.
Post # 14
Just to clarify:
though it is something I never wanted for me, I don’t have a problem with the stories that you girls are telling, like “we talked about getting married,picked a ring, and I still wanted a surprise but it happened pretty soon”
What I DON’T get is the actual WAITING. Like, you’re all ready to get married but you have to wait, sometimes YEARS! until the guy what? gets the gut? I don’t understand!
Post # 15
@Overjoyed: but you already had a date. This is what seems natural to me: talk about getting married, setting a date
Post # 16
I don’t consider myself to have ever been ‘waiting.’ We got engaged after dating for 10 years and that was fine with me. We had talked about marriage a lot and we both knew we wanted it and that it was in our future together. We also wanted to be stable and financially secure when it we did it. I never asked him when or how it would happen because I was never that little girl who dreamed of getting married and started planning her wedding from when she was 5-years-old. I actually suggested that we wait and buy a house and take a couple of trips to Europe instead (so yeah, I guess I had some influence on when it happened). That being said, I’m still a romantic and like Vorpalette said, I wanted that grand declaration. I make a lot more money than FI and am extremely independent, but there are some traditions I still find awfully charming.
If I were, as you said, pinning in secret (haha), dropping hints and pressuring him then that is not the type of relationship I want anyway. I don’t want to pressure someone into asking me to marry them or to hurry and buy the ring already. I want them to want to marry me as much as I want to marry them. I understand why girls are ‘waiting’ and why they’re excited. Its a major life event and lets be honest, planning a wedding can be fun (sometimes). But at the same time the ‘waiting’ posts kind of make me sad too 🙁