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Congratulations on getting engaged!! I married a Jewish man, and although I did convert, I can still answer your questions fairly well.
We're Reform Jews, and although I'm not sure what form of Judaism your FI practices, your best bet for a rabbi who will marry you would be a Reform rabbi. It varies from individual to individual, but most rabbis who do interfaith ceremonies are Reform. I would ask your FI's parents to ask around in the Jewish community to find someone for you, or you could even google it.
I know one of the Reform rabbis in town here used to have a website for his officiant duties because he did a TON of interfaith weddings.
You can have a chuppah and maybe you'd even want a ketubah, which is the Jewish marriage contract. You can check some of them out here.
If you can find a rabbi flexible enough to do an interfaith ceremony, he should give you a good amount of flexibility in what you say to each other throughout the ceremony. We did traditional vows, but that was because we chose not to write our own. I didn't think that I'd be able to make it through the vows without crying, so I figured we'd be better off sticking with regular ones.
Good luck with the planning!
I think if you are willing to do a Jewish ceremony (rather than an interfaith ceremony with Christian and Jewish traditions), it shouldn't be very hard to find a rabbi to marry you. We found some leads just by searching online and asking other interfaith couples on websites like this one. It might cost $500-$1000 (Based on my experience), and they are usually pretty flexible.
Most Reform rabbis will perform marriages for interfaith couples. You can check http://www.interfaithfamily.com/ for a list of references.
Wow, thanks so much for the quick and informative responses!
@QueenBecca037 Alright, to be perfectly honest, we haven't even been officially engaged yet, but I want to inform myself well about as much of the religious stuff as I can before getting into the discussions with his parents. Knowledge is never a bad thing, right? He is also Reform, so that should make finding a rabbi a bit easier. We haven't talked specifically about the ketubah yet, but I'm sure that will be something that is important to him. I also don't think I'll be able to read my own vows without crying, but it's still important to me, tears and all. Do you mind if I ask you about your experience converting? I don't plan on it, but again, knowledge! Thanks so much for sharing.
@GirlWithARing Yes, the ceremony will definitely be Jewish. I assume you're planning an interfaith wedding?
@spaniel Thanks for the link, I will definitely check it out!
@KiraBee
It's good to be thinking about this sort of thing before you get engaged!! Like I said, I converted before we got married, and because it takes a year, I started the process before we got engaged. Although I started the process under the assumption that we would be getting engaged. When my husband asked me if I was ready to start the conversion process I said "so is this sort of you preemptively asking me to marry you??" and he said yes. Haha.
The process took a year and I had to learn about and celebrate all the Jewish holidays. Our process was a bit more relaxed than some others I've heard of, because our rabbi was in Florida (at my in-laws synagogue) and we were living in Georgia where we went to school. We'd have phone dates with the rabbi once a month and we'd meet with him in person when we were home for the holidays. Overall it was a fairly easy and informative process.
I was never a hard core Catholic before, so converting wasn't a huge change for me. My parents were totally cool with it, which was sort of surprising, but I did it for the sake of our future children. I knew my husband wanted to raise our kids Jewish, and it would just be easier if we were all the same religion. We'll still celebrate Christmas, but it'll be about Santa and not Jesus.
If you have any more questions, just ask, I'm happy to answer them!!
I am a Catholic bride, and my fiance is Jewish. We couldn't find a Rabbi to co-officiate, so we just got a Cantor from a synagogue (Cantors have the power to marry in the Jewish faith), and I am in the process of getting a priest to perform the Christian portion of the ceremony.
Even though you aren't having an "interfaith" ceremony, a WONDERFUL book I have been reading is called "Celebrating Interfaith Marriages: Creating Your Jewish/Christian Ceremony" by Rabbi Devon Lerner. I cannot say enough about how helpful this book has been to me in planning my wedding. I got it on Amazon for like 12 bucks. It would be a great book for you to read- it's not all interfaith- there are sections in there for planning a Jewish wedding as well. It has been enormously helpful and can help answer many of your questions.
Best of luck to you! :)
I am doing the same thing as you; I am marrying a Jewish man and we are having a Jewish ceremony. We found a Reform rabbi in the area that frequently performs interfaith ceremonies and she told us that we can personalize parts, such as the vows, and we can add things as long as there are no references to Jesus (not a problem for us).
Good luck in finding your Rabbi!
@Monkeygirl Thanks for the book suggestion! I will definitely look into it, sounds like it would have some really important and useful information!
@Miss Root Thanks a lot for that information, very helpful. I suppose it's mostly about finding the right rabbi for what we want to include in the ceremony. Did you find it difficult at all to find a rabbi to marry you and fiance (being that you are not Jewish)? And, if you don't mind me asking, did she charge any additional fee for the ceremony? I've heard that some rabbis charge a larger fee for interfaith ceremonies, so I was wondering if it might be similar for this situation.
Im jewish and my BF is not.. but more than likely we will have a JP marry us.. We both want certain things in the wedding from both of our faiths so to us it just seemed fitting.
kirabee- we didn't find it difficult at all. We actually took an Introduction to Judaism class last summer and she was one of the rabbis that taught the class. She had mentioned during the class that she performs tons of interfaith marriages, and I loved her teaching style, so she was a great fit for us. We don't know right now if there is going to be a fee (FI forgot to ask her when we met with her- oops!!!) but I suppose it's possible, especially since we are not members of her synagogue.
I would just check in your area for Reform synagogues and start emailing Rabbis to find out if they perform interfaith ceremonies. As long as their rabbinical organization does not forbid it, they should be able to perform your ceremony, particularly since you said you want to have a Jewish ceremony. And as far as finding out if the rabbi is right for you guys, I would suggest attending shabbat services some Saturday to check out how they speak in public. We were able to weed out some of our choices that way, since we were not impressed with some of the rabbis (some of them were kind of dry and boring).
I hope this helps!
We had a rabbi for our interfaith wedding. (Well, "interfaith" is a bit of an overstatement, since my wife has no faith at all, but she definitely is not Jewish.) We tried about four Reform rabbis who would not perform such ceremonies. (Interestingly, none of them had an issue with a same-sex wedding, but all had an issue with an interfaith wedding.) However, someone in the congregation of the last one we tried referred us to a rabbi who would perform such ceremonies. His fees were high, but he worked with us throughout the planning process, and was very flexible in the ceremony details. Checking with http://www.interfaithfamily.com/ or Googling "rabbi interfaith wedding" plus the name of the town may help you find rabbis open to performing such weddings.
i would definitely check out the book "the new jewish wedding" by anita diamant...it is very helpful in understanding Jewish wedding traditions and goes into depth about the ceremony, etc. I think you will find it very interesting (my fiance and I are both Jewish, and I still got this book for myself, our moms and sisters!)
If your soon-to-be fiance is Reform, then it's definitely possible that even his family's Rabbi could be the one to marry you two, especially since you mentioned that it would be a Jewish wedding and not an interfaith wedding...I would be very surprised if you had much trouble finding a Rabbi, as long as they are Reform...Good luck and def ask any more questions you can think of, it can never hurt!
I am so excited that you are wanting a Jewish wedding...I have never been to one but they seem to be so beautiful and really meaningful.
my fiance and I are Non-Jews but we live under the covenant of noah (Bnei Noahs/Noahides). our Rabbi, an Orthodox Rabbi, will be officiating our wedding! This is so exciting for us. I was just thinking if you live in the indiana/illinois area I could give you some suggestions.
We have yet to meet with him regarding details of the wedding because he lives 7 hours away but from what i have read it should be pretty flexible.
But we do plan our having a Chuppah and a Ketubah. Not sure if we can break glass and/or what the Rabbi plans on saying...I am so eager to know!!!
Congratulations!!
Just wanted to add to the discussion about the relative flexibility of a Jewish Reform ceremony. I'm a ketubah artist and have found that one of my most popular texts that I offer is the Apache Wedding Blessing (not exactly of Jewish origin!) http://www.customketubah.com/text-apache.htm. I've had it translated into Hebrew and use it on many of the ketubahs that I do. It's a really beautiful blessing. You can certainly make up your own vows and incorporate all kinds of streams of thought into it.
As far as rabbis willing to perform an interfaith wedding I often work with a rabbi out of New York who has a website: www.KetubahsandMore.com. He performs many interfaith ceremonies and would probably be a good resource.
Even though you aren't converting, I think it's great that you're exploring a Jewish wedding ceremony. I can be incredibly meaningful and I hope you find what you need to make it your own.
I'm a very liberal but devout Christian; MNbf is Jewish. We're not engaged (so I'm with ya @kirabee!) but we have discussed marriage, and we would both like a ceremony that reflects both of our traditions. Privately I wondered if we would be able to find a rabbi who would be willing to co-officiate for a wedding like this, considering I would not convert to Judaism.
Mostly it's just nice to know that other people have found it possible and beautiful!
Oh, and I forgot to respond to your question about the vows. Traditionally, there are no vows at all in a Jewish ceremony. If the man gave the woman the ketubah and the ring, and she went with him into Yihud instead of dropping them and running screaming from the room, they were married. Ok, I exagerate slightly, but seriously, there are no vows in the traditional Jewish ceremony. However, many modern Jewish couples do want to have vows, and there is no objection to them in traditional Judaism--they just aren't required. The benefit of this to you is that if you want to write your own vows, you aren't going to be running into a rabbi who tells you that you have to use some set formula, because there is no set formula.
I am Jewish and married a non practicing Christian. We found our Rabbi online :) I believe he is affiliated with this group
A rabbi from this group actually performed my grandmother's funeral service and he was fantastic (a weird thing to say, I know, but he made it very special) and i LOVED our rabbi.
The nice thing about an interfaith service is you can do whatever you want! The religion doesn't really recognize it as a Jewish wedding (I don't believe, ours wasn't at least) so you can play around with it. We had a lovely interfaith wedding, and it really reflected US which was super important ( but did not reference JC)
My daughter, not Jewish, has been dating a Jewish man. He is not observant but his family is Conservative. He and my daughter agree that she would convert because it's important to him that his children be raised as Jews. My question is this, I know it takes a year for a conversion and no Conversative Rabbi would perform a wedding if my daughter is not converted. However, if they can find a Reform rabbi to do a Jewish wedding before conversion, would this wedding be recognized in the Conversative branch ? My daughter would not discuss this with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to pressure or rush him. But I want to know.
@kirabee I am so sorry I didn't see this sooner. My rabbi is Rabbi Devon Lerner. She's in Arlington, MA and specializes in interfaith weddings--she's even wrote a book on them. We are loving working with her and have been very impressed with how she has brought our faiths together in a beautiful ceremony. Contact me if you would like her information. You may also want to check out her book CELEBRATING INTERFAITH MARRIAGES, which is wonderful and full of explanations for lots of different traditions.
Also interfaithfamily.org has lots of resources and a referral service for rabbis who will perform interfaith and/or co-officiate with clergy of another faith.
Thanks for all the great information, everyone! I just wanted to add a few things since it seems there are some other people looking for info here.. Just to clarify, my boyfriend and his family are actually Conservative (shame, shame on me for not knowing that).
Professor - Thanks for the local info! Unfortunately, though we live in Boston now, our wedding will most likely be in Philadelphia near my hometown, or LA near his.
For any other Boston area ladies seeking information about Judaism or interfaith marriages, definitely check out the Jewish Discovery Institute (http://www.jewishdiscoveryinstitute.org/). I was tipped off about them through Mrs. Hot Cocoa, it's where she went through the conversion process. The have classes for couples seeking information and apparently there is no pressure to convert. If i planned on being in the area more than six more months, I would definitely be signed up!
Also, thanks to those suggesting books and websites, definitely helpful!
Hey! Just wanted to add my 2 cents....we are having a friend officiate for us. He is half christian but was bar mitzvahed so both sets of parents are comfortable with our decision! I know that reform rabbis will perform marriage ceremonies for interfaith couples. Also, we will be have a chuppah because we love what it represents.
@Momma: She charges $1000. Most rabbis FI and I interviewed were charging $850-1200.
@kirabee: You will probably not be able to find many Conservative rabbis to perform this ceremony. This is because United Synagogue (the official organization of the Conservative moevment) has a policy against performing intermarriages. Your best bet is to find someone of another branch or a rent-a-rabbi who does not have a pulpit and a congregation to answer to.
I would still recommend interfaithfamily.org, because their referral service is national. I also recommend posting notes on places like the Philadelphia or LA boards of Weddingbee and the Knot to get names of rabbis in those areas. Many rabbis will travel for you, but that of course, ups the $.
Good luck!
@ Professor- that's awesome you are having Rabbi Lerner!!! If you scroll up and see my previous comment, her book is the one I've been suggesting. It is a beautifully written book and a "must have" for anyone having an interfaith ceremony- or even a Jewish ceremony, for that matter. You are so lucky! :)
@Monkeygirl: Thanks! I agree about the book. I actually used it years ago to write the ceremony for my brother and sister-in-law (I served as JOP) and then someone gave me Rabbi Lerner's contact info when I got engaged.
Monkeygirl and Professor - I just ordered Rabbi Lerner's book! Can't wait for it to get here!
Oh, Kirabee, you are going to LOVE it. I just finished writing (actually typing) out our wedding ceremony from ideas that I pulled from Rabbi Lerner's book. I hope you will find it as helpful as I did. It is an interesting, quick read. I have recommended it to many people. Good luck! :)
@Professor- if Rabbi Lerner is anything like her book, you are going to have an AMAZING wedding. So jealous! (ha, but in a good way).
@Momma - a wedding performed by a Reform rabbi would be recognized by the Conservative movement - there should be no problem getting married before the conversion
Thank you eriqua.
I may also get Rabbi Lerner's book just for my own information.
Mommalita - There are several used copies available through Amazon. Mine was a little more than a dollar plus 3.99 shipping. Can't beat that! And I can't wait for it to get here!
@ Kirabee: I'm so sorry I didn't see this thread til now. I'm so glad you found JDI; they are a great resource. I know you said you don't plan to be in the area long enough for the course, but if you'd like to chat about it or the conversion process, please PM me.
@ Mommalita: Regarding your question about "recognition" of reform ceremonies by conservative Judaism, this is a complicated question that largely depends on for what or whom one wants to be recognized. The only times anyone will ask for proof of anything Judaism-related, I think, will be for proof of conversion -- for the purposes of having a conservative rabbi perform a wedding ceremony, enrolling one's kids into a conservative Jewish day school, maybe to join a conservative synagogue (though probably not even the latter), and for burial in a Jewish cemetary. Other types of recognition -- like being recognized as "Jewish" for the purposes of immigration to Israel -- someone who converted to either conservative or reform judiasm wouldn't meet anyway; only orthodox conversions (and only certain kinds) work for those purposes.
I converted through the conservative movement, but we got married by a reform rabbi, whom we chose because she's a family friend, an incredible spiritual advisor, and a feminist pioneer in the rabbinate. We asked her to perform a conservative-style ceremony (in Hebrew and English) and we used a conservative ketubah. No one, not even our modern orthodox friends, have ever questioned the legitimacy of our wedding.
That being said, even many reform rabbis (like ours) would not perform interfaith ceremonies, so your daughter will probably find it easier to plan her wedding if she finished her conversion before the wedding. Plus it's so beautiful to be wed in a ceremony that is "your" culture, if that makes sense. Please feel free to have your daughter PM with more questions. I'm by no means an expert, but I have been dealing with a lot of similar issues, so I'm happy to help in anyway I can.
Not every reform rabbi will perform a Jewish ceremony for an interfaith couple. In our state, there are only a few reform synagogues, and none of the rabbis agreed, unless we join their congregation! You can find an interfaith rabbi online, and they will travel to your wedding for a fee.
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My wedding is still in the very early, preliminary stages of planning, but I'm already concerned about how we are going to find an officiant. My fiance is Jewish and would like to have a Jewish wedding, which I would love. I think Jewish weddings are beautiful and deeply meaningful, and I would love to have a chuppah. I am not Jewish (was raised pretty much religion-less, but celebrating the major Christian holidays), and don't plan on converting.
Does anyone have experience in finding a rabbi to marry a Jewish man to a non-Jewish woman? We will most likely not be getting married near his hometown, so asking his own rabbi is not really an option.
Also, it's pretty important to me for us to write our own vows. How much of a Jewish ceremony is flexible?
Thanks for all the help! : )