- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
I have three questions that are being squeezed into one post and I need your advice, Bees.
Original paragraph was way too long (I have multiple questions), so here is a summary for the first question:
They don’t know that it was begrudging, but we agreed to give my very single sister (she surrounds herself with what I would describe as losers – heavy drinking, drugs, etc.) and FMIL +1s (we had not originally intended on +1s unless the person had been dating someone 6+ months/engaged/living together/married). Not happy about inviting randoms since we only have budget for 80 guests, but whatever. I think we can manage that much for them despite discomfort.
Now my question about the +1 situation is because we are giving two immediate family members +1s, do we need to give everyone a +1? We have no intention of being lassoed into any more randoms as there is literally no more space on the guest list.
My second question involves the following situation (a little more detailed background information is required, I think):
It was taking FI forever to contact FMIL about family we need to include for his side. There are some people that FI is really not fans of who are long time friends of FMIL (they grate him the wrong way because of their ouspoken, sometimes inapproriate opinions). There is one family member in particular that I told him we need to include because she had been there so much for the family both times that FMIL’s husbands passed away (she was twice widowed). I feel indifferent about it, personally.
So I sent a message to FMIL providing a list of family and a couple of family friends (leaving out the names of her friend that FI doesn’t want because he wanted to see if she would name him in the first place). I also told her that if there were any added names that they would need to have played an important role in FI’s life because the list is so tight. I got a message back from her and she wrote that she has “two close girlfriends” that she wants invited, “if permissable”, “that have played aunty to my children over the past couple decades and who have been a great moral support to me over the many difficult years.” She literally ommitted any names so I (and FI) cannot make a judgment call at all. I personally found it quite strange that if she had two people who did play an important role that they should remain nameless, which gives the impression that she just wants two more invites.
I had FI read my response back to her prior to sending it, and he thought it was pretty fair and diplomatic. I told her that I added the family members she named that were missing from the list and her +1 (that was an additional 5 people from the ones we had sent her), but would she be able to provide the names of the two girlfriends and do they have a spouse or significant other? I then explained that our current list, with the additions, is at the limit and split fairly evenly (I have 39 on my list [24 of mine are family friends but mostly family, the rest are personal friends that include mutual friends with all but one that have +1s], FI has 41). In order to accomodate those additional 2-4 people FI would have to move that many people off the list he would otherwise invite. Then I added that I am not personally saying yes or no, but she should talk to FI directly about it as it is between the two of them but it would fully be FI’s discretion. I don’t want to play a role in that decision but I wanted her to understand where he would be coming from and I also wanted him to understand fully, as well, that there are some people he might not be a fan of but if they’d been there for him and his family that they should be invited (like a cousin of his that had been there after both his mom’s husbands passed away – he really did not want to invite her but I know that she did so much and she cares a lot through those times that we are inviting her).
The truth of the matter is … I don’t want to touch this with a ten foot pole (so I referred it back to FI). That being said, I feel like his mom should just come right out and name the people because it is hard to tell unless we know who she is referring to (it almost feels like a manipulation because she calls them important – but she has so many longtime and close female friends that it could be just about anyone). On the other hand, I know of one of her friends that has been around for a long time that has been a good family friend for a long time (I have played cards with them, etc.) but they have been at odds a lot lately with some things that have been going on in FMIL’s personal life. I feel that this person should probably get an invite but I don’t actually know what kind of role she has played in FI’s life. I also honestly think there are people FI could easily move off his list (people that neither of us hang out with but talk briefly at social events with large amounts of people and I think that these people would honestly be surprised that they even received an invite). I don’t want to touch this with a ten foot pole beyond what I have done already, but I am concerned that this could cause some major issues for him and thus me by arms length.
My second question is what would you do in the above situation?
My third question is that it is like pulling teeth getting addresses from my parents and FMIL (family that I don’t have any contact information for and neither does FI) – what is the best way to get the contact information that we don’t have?
If you are still with me now, thank you! Sorry about the length.